Post # 61
This just sucks so SO much. Honestly, I would just 100% stop having sex with him until he agrees to use condoms. It might feel different for both of you, but his options should be a) protected sex b) no sex c) vasectomy (with your consent and not as a tool to manipulate you with)
You don’t want this man to accidentally get you pregnant and then resent you and/or the child for it just because he was too much of a baby/idiot to wear a condom. That is no way to start a family, and that is no way to raise a child. You don’t want to explain to your daughter one day that 1) she exists because daddy was too selfish to wear a condom 2) she also exists because you were too much of a pushover to force daddy to wear one 3) once you got pregnant daddy bailed because he didn’t want the responsiblity of actually raising a child.
I react HORRIBLY to birth control. I had my gallbladder removed due to side effects of the pill, and my sex drive vaporized on the iud. I’m lucky in that I’m child free by choice, and so is my partner. He had a vasectomy which has been great for us.
There is a lot going on here, however, besides just birth control. Your husband doesn’t seem to think your health is important which is a huge red flag to me. Has he always been this selfish or is this something new? My partner offered to take me to the clinic this morning because I woke up with a uti. I get them pretty regularly (once every few months) after sex. I told him he didn’t have to come but he still got up super early and poured me some cranberry juice and made me breakfast. Sure it’s not his uti, and it’s not his fault, but I only get them after sex, so he feels bad and doesn’t like to see me in pain so he takes care of me. Why isn’t your partner taking an active interest in your health / helping you be healthier??
Also, I think you need to have a frank discussion with him about both a) couples counselling and b) children. It doesn’t sound to me like he is someone who wants kids, at least not within the same timeframe as you do. This is a major issue and you guys need to come to some sort of clear agreement about this, and counselling might be very helpful. If he refuses counselling are you religious? Could you speak to a priest / other third party?
Good luck bee!
PS: Sorry if this sounded harsh, reading about him just made me so angry!
Post # 62
Tell him to get a vasectomy then if he wants to be a dinkadoo about your health and body. It’s reversible! These men sometimes, they don’t know how easy they got it!
Post # 63
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
dsaasd : No it’s ok, all good advice. He actually did not come with me to ANY doctors appointments, ever, in my life. But he did use my liver disease as an excuse to get out of covering another supervisor’s shift one night. So apparently it’s all about convenience for him.
blondie603 : I’ve looked into the costs of vasectomy and reversals – he has a healthy savings account, so not really real health insurance. It would be between $400-$1000 for the vasectomy and up to $10,000 for a reversal. I 100% do not want him to get a vasectomy.
Post # 64
I’m glad to read your update that you are putting your foot down about not going back on the pill. Good for you. He’s part of this relationship and he really needs to be part of the solution. I really hope reading the book and counselling will help. Best of luck.
Also, I think you should ask him to get more involved in your overall health. He should know a lot more about yournkiver disease and be a better support. Can he come to a doctors appt so he gets a better understanding?
Post # 65
FutureDrAtkins : If you follow all the rules of NFP, it is just as preventing as the pill. And, you do not need your man to cooperate. You do it yourself, you say “no” to sex when it is not a good day for you according to what your body has said. If he is not happy that day there is no sex, he can go wash his head. I like the natural way because it reminds them that I decide when I have sex not them. Also, it depends on knowing the woman body, all these other ways keep you in ignorance. I had the pill since I was a teenager, for years and years. Never again will I put the chemicals in me, take a pill like I am sick. My body is perfect just how it works, and it gives me all the information to not get pregant if I don’t want. It doesn’t need a medical device or a medicine like it is damaged some way. It is men that say the woman body is sick just for what it does normal. They used to think this about the period and bleeding with it as well.
Post # 66
I just want to note that given the cost of reversing a vasectomy, it would probably be cheaper just to store some sperm for the 3-5 years. And then you wouldn’t need to worry about birth control again.
Because as much as your body is your decision, his body is ultimately his decision. If he really wants a vasectomy because he thinks it will make life easier, I don’t think it’s your place to stop him. If he was really just threatening out of spite or to convince you to do what he wants (which is honestly what it sounds like), then I doubt he would go through with it. But if it’s seriously what he wants, I wouldn’t reject the possibility out of hand.
Post # 67
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
BookishBee : This is true, but a vasectomy has no medical benefit for him the way that stopping BCPs does for me. I just feel like that if he gets a vasectomy then our fate is sealed, and I will remain childfree for the rest of my life. In the past year or so I have really come to terms with the fact that I want to be a mommy someday.
Post # 68
blondie603 : Reversing a vasectomy doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be able to conceive after. If both of them want to have children, having a vasectomy that needs to be reversed is not the smart way to go (for cost reasons as well as the fact that a reversal can hinder getting pregnant later).
FutureDrAtkins : I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. You do not deserve this. I’m glad that your health is your #1 priority, as it should be.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if you are looking into alternate methods of birth control for yourself, in addition to considering NFP and condoms, it might be worth looking into the Skyla IUD, which has a much lower level of hormones than birth control pills, especially since it’s right in the uterus so most of it would stay there and only a tiny amount would get absorbed by your body. You can also consider a diaphragm, which isn’t hormonal at all. I don’t think that birth control should solely be your responsibility, but those are some options as well.
However, more importantly, it seems like this is stirring up major issues between you and your husband, and I hope you can resolve them. You deserve the best.
Post # 69
He is putting his sexual wants above your health needs- and he’s trying to gaslight you! Would you want your best friend staying in a marriage like this?!
he would rather keep you on the pill and destroy your liver just so he can have sex?!… How is he going to treat you when at 35 you’ll have to wear a bag or diapers?! What if the liver damage affects pregnancy?
Post # 70
yupmarried : they have some serious conversations and questions to work though. But seriously? Jumping straight to “leave him”? That’s crappy and premature advice.
Post # 71
FutureDrAtkins : yikes did not realize a reversal was so expensive. A vasectomy (which may 100% be covered by his insurance tbh) would lock you guys in to paying ~$10k or so if you want a kid.. yikes.
If you’re the sort that likes to play chicken, you could always counter his vasectomy threat with a pleasant “thats fine. We can just find good donor sperm when we’re ready to have kids.” 😛
ETA: Given your husbands tendency to get emotional and manipulative, I probably wouldn’t actually say that to him. It’s fun to think about, but I have a feeling he’d start accusing you of wanting someone else to father your children or some insanely off-topic shit like that.
Post # 72
FutureDrAtkins : How would your liver disease impact pregnancy–both your health and that of the fetus? Please take care of your health and don’t be manipulated into having unprotected sex.
From an outsider’s perspective, your husband is not sure about ever having children and you want them in the near future. The birth control issue is really not the biggest issue at hand, but if he can’t orgasm wearing condoms then condoms aren’t a long term workable solution. I would recommend making an appointment with your OB and discussing all the potential BC options available to you and how your disease will impact a potential pregnancy. Being able to present all the options to your husband is hopefully helpful, but also having the same timeline re: TTC is the larger issue at hand.
Post # 73
chocochai : did you read her update where he pulled out 5 times and then the 6th unprotected sex session he came inside her and told her “that one’s a freebie!” -? He treats her like shit! This is total manipulation, he’s got power issues and I wouldn’t doubt he’s controlling over other parts of her life as well. He’s shown complete disregard for her health WTF a woman should never be pressured to compromise her health for the sexual gratification of her partner!
Post # 74
FutureDrAtkins : PPs have pretty much covered everything I could say so I just want to add my indignation to yours and send you lots of hugs.
Your husband might not be an ass but he’s definitely acting like one. And he probably loves you very much, but he’s not acting very loving towards you right now.
It’s time to address the behaviors (yours and his) that are endangering your health, ok Bee? And hon, even if you wanted to get off the pill just because – you would have every right to do so.
Regarding the couple’s counseling thing…I always tell people that therapists are just like medical doctors in one very specific sense: if you have a funny feeling in your chest at first, you might not think about going to the cardiologist right away. But if you let symptoms pile up and years go by…by the time you DO go to the cardiologist s/he might not be able to do much for you. It might turn into the beginning of the end. Most couples don’t think of counseling as a first resort either. And if they let years go by and problems pile up (maybe like his parents?) then yeah, his fear would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is that what he wants?
Post # 75
I agree that this is totally your decision. Charting + pull n pray or condoms.