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I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I know everyone's answer will probably be different, and colored by their own experience. There is no "right" answer - but in a pefect world (no waiting on a guy, no money issues, etc), how long do you feel you need to date someone to know them enough and be comfortable enough in the relationship to move it to the next level? What's TOO little? What's TOO long? Or is there no such thing in your book as too long or too little?
I ask because, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years (lived together for the past six months) and have a feeling he will officially pop the question anytime now. I think this length of time was perfect. But, I have three or four girlfriends (my age - 27 - or a year or two younger) who have been dating their boyfriends twice as long as I have been with mine - six years or more! They are also in waiting limbo, and I am sure it will happen for them soon, too.
Part of me is afraid that, if I get engaged first, they will be thinking in the back of their minds "oh, they've only been together THREE years! They don't have as strong as a relationship as we do..." and I kind of wish we had a marathon relationship to REALLY REALLY know if we are still into each other around that 7 year itch...not that I doubt it, but I come from a divorced family, and more time can't hurt, right? But where I am age wise, I want to start having babies pretty soon, buying a house, settling down!
My girlfriends who have been dating their guys for 6+ years all started dating the guy in college - around 19/20. I started dating my BF at 24. I think this explains the shorter dating experience, and doesn't necessarily make it less valid..obviously you date through college, want to establish your career, get on your feet, whatever. My BF and I were already graduated and in a career when we started dating. We had already bar hopped/dated around/had other serious relationships - and I feel that maybe this is also what cut our time in half. I also have a 32 year old girlfriend who was dating her guy for less than a year and got engaged.
I do think age has a lot to do with it, but I think once you're out of college (22 or so) I think you really only need to date 2-3 years to know the person. What else are you going to know afterr that? I mean, if it comes down to other factors you are waiting for, like getting a better job or saving more money, I get it, but relationship wise, I think you should know enough to propose around that time frame. Just my two cents and I am curious what everyone else thinks!
I used to think around 2 years would be ideal, but I knew my DH was the one and was ready around a year. We got engaged at about 1 1/2 years. Looking back it seems fast, but it was right for us. I don't think anyone could ever put an ideal time on it, like you said it's different for everyone based on their own individuality.
I think 2 and a half years is perfect. The only case is if you are in high school when you start dating. Then maybe 4 years or more. We started dating in college and got engaged after 3 years and 9 months of dating.
2 yrs
We'll be at 2 yrs this Saturday. JUST the right amount of time from my personal timeline before I even met him!LOL I always said I wanted to get engaged in the 2nd year.
In my mind once a couple has gotten past the 1yr mark, I feel they are heading into the "ok to get engaged zone"
Every situation is different but I personally feel that the couple should date for atleast a few years before becoming engaged. FI and I had been dating for more than 5 years and had lived together for more than 4.5 by the time we were engaged.
We set up one of my best friends with one of FI's best friends at around the 3.5 year mark of our relationship. They hit it off and 6 months later were engaged, then 6 months after that they were married. I thought that this was WAYYYYYYYYYY too fast.
ETA: I submitted before I finished my thought... I was going to say that while I thought it was too fast then, they made it work and are very happy now. Given they've only been married for about a year but they just had their first child and seem to be doing well. Was it something that I would have done 6 months into my relationship? NO WAY but everyones different.
we got engaged at right about 18 months. for us it was the perfect amount of time. we were at a great place in the relationship and we had the finances to do it. honestly i think if we had waited more than 6 more months it would have started to take a negative toll on our relationship---i was 26 and he had just turned 30 when we got engaged.
We were one month shy of our 9 year anniversary when FI proposed. I was 24 at the time and my FI was 25. We were high school sweethearts and wanted to be done with school and be able to do our own things before we got married. Glad we waited until it was the right time for us!
I voted If it feels right.
But it also depends on age and experience, at 22 I knew when I met FI that I wanted to marry him, and he knew as well because he bought the ring 4 months after we met. But he didn't ask me until over a year after that, so it's a nice healthy mix of 1=if it feels right and 18 months :D And we'll be engaged for 23 months when we marry :D
I chose if it feels right, because I was engaged after a month, and previously, I had always been a 'have to date at least a year' kind of girl. I was actually going to do a persuasive speech about it for a class right after I met him. I was never able to go through with it, because I had a feeling that it just wasn't going to happen that way. Sure enough, we were engaged a few weeks later.
I surprised even myself when I wanted to marry him right away. My husband and I were married 8 months after we met, which was 7 months after we started dating.
I voted other...I think I was ready after my FI and I had some serious conversations about the following
For us..it happened pretty quickly. We got engaged after 2 months but have been engaged for 4 years.
I said 4-5 years even though DH and I got engaged right before 4 years. I had always imagined myself dating my future husband for at least 5 years before getting married. Even though DH and I had been together for less time than I had predicted, we had been living together for 2.5 years at that point and we felt ready. I feel like in the 4.75 years we were together by the time we got married we have been through enough to know that we can last. Thats why I think 4-5 years is a good amount of time. You are able to experience the true ups and downs of a relationship because any relationship goes through cycles. You are also able to see how well you can move forward from any hardships and work together. Thats what was right for us but I know thats not whats right for everyone!
I really dont think there is an "ideal" time. I think that the right time is different for each person.
first of all, you shouldn't worry about what other people think. if they're really your friends, they'll be happy when you get engaged, no matter what. and, you've already stuck around longer than i would have. after the 2 year anniversy if a guy still didn't even want to talk about or bring up being engaged, i would walk away from the relationship. my DH and i only dated a couple of months before we got married, and yes, i wish we had lated longer, but we're in it now. i think a year to a year and a half is a good time to propose.
I voted for 2-3 years just because that was when I really started wanting him to propose. I definitely think it depends on your age/life circumstances at the time though. We met when we were still both in college and we wanted to make sure we could handle the real world together before making such a big commitment. I think if we had met after graduating, that our relationship would have moved much faster.
I think at least 3 years is ideal simply because that second year seems to be when you start dealing with real issues in the relationship. You're no longer in that "so in love" honeymoon stage, and any personality/value issues will finally come up. You have stopped thinking that the other person can do no wrong and see them for who they really are. I think this is an extremely important stage to go through before deciding to marry someone!
I think you really need to get to know the person well before getting married. You shouldn't marry someone if you don't know who they are. It's about more than just puppy love. I voted for 2-3 years. I got engaged after 4 1/2 strictly because we wanted to feel completly financially stable enough to support getting married, buying a home,etc.
there is no "ideal" time that applies to everyone. it's very personal. a better poll would be "how much time did you and fi date before getting engaged?"
I voted for "If it feels right--immediately." DH and I were together for four months before we officially got engaged, although we started talking marriage about two months in. I've taken a lot of crap for that from other people who are cynical and/or bitter, but it works for us. We knew we were compatible right away and were willing to make that decision. Now, two and a half years later, we have yet to have a major fight, and I can count on one hand the number of times we've had a serious argument. We made sure to talk about all the major issues before taking that leap, and we periodically check in with each other and have discussions to make sure we're on the same page with everything.
There's no hard and fast rule, and I do think age has a lot to do with it. If my FI and I had waited 5 years, I'd be 37 by the time we married and since we both want children, that could be a major problem. On the other hand, if we were in our late teens or very early twenties, I'd rather wait the 5 years, just to be sure we didn't end up growing apart during those crucial "growing years" of your twenties.
As far as knowing whether you want to eventually marry your partner? That I give a year, two years tops. If you're still unsure about your partner after that amount of time, they're not the one. That's not to say you shouldn't or can't still wait, however, just to make sure you're truly compatible.
I really think 2-3 years is ideal! I would be hesitant to marry someone before dating them for 2 years because at the 2 year mark your relationship changes. At that point the honeymoon stage is over and what is left is real.
And I think it should be 2-3 years after college! Relationships are just different in college and high school.
Age and maturity are a HUGE factor in this. DH and I started dating at 18 and we got engaged when I was 22. If we'd been older and circumstances were different (not long distance, no deployment, etc etc), that number easily could've been shorter. But it was good for us.
It really depends. We have been together for 3 years, but I felt ready at 2 years (finances are the hold up). My grandparents married after 6 months of dating and we married for over 40 years :) And my parents got engaged after 1 year of dating.
I voted "other" because I think think this is different for everyone. I knew after only 4 months that I was ready to be married and FH knew pretty much right away, maybe after 1 month or so. We got engaged at 7 months and we'll be at 1.5 years when we get married. I never thought it would happen so fast, but it did!
A lot of people expressed sentiments about dealing with major relationship issues at certain years along the way. We both were experiencing some major life changes from the start of our relationship. The communication and support through both the good and bad times we had together strengthened our bond immensely and I feel that is why we moved relatively quickly.
Two of my close girlfriends are both engaged now too, one after 7 years and one after 3 years. I would hate to think that they think my engagement is any less valid or worthy than theirs because of length of time. I don't believe you can judge someone else's relationship based on amount of time they've been together.
Honestly, I think at a bare minimum, people should date for a full calander year before getting engaged - experience all four seasons together. The ideal in my mind is 2-3 years but IMO, anything less than a year is too little.
I feel like it should always be more than 1 yr. The first year what relationship isn't great? I feel like you need to get through some rough parches before vowing your life to someone after 1 year. We were dating 3 years exactly when he proposed and I think if he had done it any sooner I would have been alarmed. LOL
@Mrs.KMM: that's so funny, I'm totally into the whole "experience all four seasons" rule. I think it's a good rule of thumb.
@superplannerbee: you'd be surprised, we've actually had some bees here admit to having a very rocky first year, yet still becoming engaged to their man. It's usually the younger bees. Go figure.
@Bostongrl25: My grandparents married after 6 months of dating and we married for over 40 years :)
I see this comparison a lot on these boards and it kind of bugs me. Times were different for our grandparents. Children grew up a lot faster, as they were far less sheltered than teenagers/young adults are today. Thus, your typical 20 year old in the forties was likely far more mature than your typical 20 year old today. People also tended to look at marriage differently in those times. Women were far less independent and thus a lot less likely to leave their husbands if they were unhappy. Given all those factors, that particular comparison just isn't valid anymore.
We dated a little over 3 years before we got engaged and lived with each other for a year. And there were times when I was like, 'wow, can I put up with (name issue) for the rest of my life'...these things crossed my mind but the positives far outweigh the negatives.
I think anywhere from 2-3 years is a good timeframe.
@phillygirl629: My husband and I experienced many life changes in the beginning of our relationship too. We dealt with anything and everything from school, living situations, jobs, deaths (one for each of us while dating), major family issues on my side, to small things like me graduating from college and temporarily moving back to my dad's house (it was horrible) and then my mom's apartment. We stuck with each other through all of it, and that made it all the easier for us to bond. We've been together for 2 years now (dating and marriage), and we're still going though a lot of this.
I'm not trying to jump on anybody, but I think it depends on what circumstances life hands you and when. For my husband and myself, it was early on. For others, it might be after being together for years.
i use to think 2-3 years would be ideal, but it really depends on the person and their relationship. After i met my hubby, i knew probably after a year and a half that he would be the person i'd wanna marry.
@lezlers:People also tended to look at marriage differently in those times. Women were far less independent and thus a lot less likely to leave their husbands if they were unhappy. Given all those factors, that particular comparison just isn't valid anymore.
Geez, relax. First of all I wasn't comparing my 80 year old grandparents to couples today. The first thing I stated was that its different for everyone. There are people who get engaged after 2 months or after 20 years. I was just stating a fact.
Second of all, I agree with you that times were different back then but I don't agree that people were more mature. I think 20 years old today are able to experience a lot more and also move out on their own a lot sooner. Women back then didn't "leave the nest" until they were married and then normally stayed home and raised the family. Today, its common for children to move out at 18, live in other parts of the country/world, have multiple jobs, etc.
And FWIW-my grandmother attended college and worked full time before and after she was married. She was (and still is) an independent lady.
I'd say if you meet post-college, then 1-3 years. If you meet in high school or college, then at least one full year after college graduation, if not two...so much happens and changes in that period, and so many couples come to the realization that they're headed in different directions. Most of my friends who met in HS/college dated a lot longer before getting engaged than those who met after the age of, say, 25. From my own experience (was ready at a year, got engaged after 18 mos), it was a lot easier for me to know whether someone else was right for me when I was older and had a better sense of who I am and what I want. Some people have that at a younger age than I did, though...I've had a looooong extended adolescence here in DC, playground for twenty-somethings.
While I agree that there is no "right" length of time that applies to everyone, I think as a general rule, it depends on age. If I had a 30-year-old friend or relative who became engaged after a year of dating, I wouldn't think much of it. If this friend or relative were 18 or 20 though, I would be concerned and would want to talk to him/her about it.
We met when we were 22 and got engaged at 26/27. We'll both be 28 when we're married.
@stephinPA: "And there were times when I was like, 'wow, can I put up with (name issue) for the rest of my life'...these things crossed my mind but the positives far outweigh the negatives."
That is exactly how I feel. I feel like having a longer relationship (and living together) gave me the opportunity to analyze some of my SO's faults objectively without feeling resentful. i.e. if we were married and I realize he is really, really messy, I think I would feel more like "Gah, I have to put up with THIS forever?" whereas not being married and seeing all those things..I was able to say to myself "Can I put up with this? I can still walk away". But then realizing that all his good traits outweight the bad and I know I can live w/them and it is my decision bc I know probably the vast majority of his faults, and he mine.
I do think in general HS/college couples should wait - I remember one of my friends got married six months out of college to her BF of almost 2 years, and I remember I looked at it as strange. But having my 30 something friend get engaged after less than a year didn't seem that weird.
Like others have said, I feel like that time after college is crucial as to where people either go in different directions or stay together. I dated my college BF for a year and a half but broke up with him when I graduated - he was good to date in college, but I realized long term there was no way it would function because we were both so different and wanted different things.
Nonetheless, sometimes I think relationships drag on too long nowadays - not that it's bad at all....but after 5 years, what else do you need to know? Obviously some people wait to finish grad school, buy a house, etc., which totally makes sense, but I am talking more about some guys just want to drag relationships on and on forever without marriage and no good excuse not to get married.
The older you get, the lesser the time I would suggest. People do - in a way - get wiser as they get older. Especially about who their partner will be.
-- Young and waiting for many years --
I had a long-ass relationship starting at 15 (H.S.) that lasted me until I was 25! The guy was wishy-washy about marriage and broke up with me. I was not pressuring for marriage. I think I had only mentioned it 2-3 times at most about "our future together, our future family", etc.
-- Getting older and putting a timeline --
After that devastation, I met another guy almost immediately. He was a friend of a friend who knew I just came off a bad relationship and immediately courted me. I didn't want to wait past 27 to be married. This guy turned out be a real a-hole! Abusive and such. Broke up and now I was 26.
-- Getting older and tightening that timeline even MORE due to two main factors --
During the end of that relationship, I had made a new friend. I had no intentions of dating this guy but we ended up in a relationship just maybe 2-3 weeks after my previous one. Now I had placed an even shorter time limit. Basically in my head, I was getting fed up of dud relationships and also was aware of my biological clock ticking. I wanted to be married by 29.
I am past 29 and not married yet, (Got engaged at 28 after 2yrs + 3mths of dating). I knew deep down inside that this relationship was definitely 'it' because the guy is amazing.
We were ready to marry less than a year into it but we waited due to circumstances. But this worked out better since we got to know eachother even more than what we thought we knew. So the answer is 'get engaged when it feels right.' Would it have been okay to marry right when we wanted to? Yep. Because we knew enough about each other to cross that bridge and that knowing part is VERY RELATIVE to each person. I didn't know my previous bfs for years! But this one I knew almost IMMEDIATELY.
Based on personal experience (duh) and friends' experiences, I voted 2-3 years. FI and I dated 2 years and 9 months. My best friend and her FI dated 3 years and 3 months.We were in college for the majority of these relationships, which is why we wanted to date longer. I can say I "knew" after about 6 months and so did he, but we chose to wait several more years before getting to that level. I'm so glad we did.
I just think that (considering our age = early 20s) that you should date for over 2 years. I have friends that dated a year, got engaged and got married within the next, and are now divorced. I just think the younger you are, the more you should probably date before you get engaged.
We will have been together about 4 years on our wedding day. Of course, everyone is different. Not saying we are "right" or that getting engaged soon while young is "wrong," I am just really glad I had that extra year and 9 months past the 1 year mark to get to know FI. We've also been living together since our 1 year.
"you'd be surprised, we've actually had some bees here admit to having a very rocky first year, yet still becoming engaged to their man. It's usually the younger bees. Go figure."
Whats wrong with having a rocky year and then still getting married?
@Bostongrl25: Geez, relax.
It is possible to disagree with someone without being upset. Rest assured, no relaxation is needed. As for the rest of your post, the intent was certainly not to offend, I was merely giving an opinion as to that comparison, as I see it quite often on these boards. I feel the same way about the whole "I wouldn't invite 2 people to my home and make them bring their own beer, therefore, you need to spend 5,000 on an open bar or have no booze available at all at your wedding" argument. It's simply not logical.
I think 2 yrs is a good length of time. I think after 2 years in, you've had a chance to really assess the person you are with. The bf and I have been together for almost 5 years though lol.
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