If he doesn' propose in Italy, I will be crushed….

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Go to Italy simply to experience Italy, and break up with him after the trip. I say this because your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s healthy, but I’m just a stranger on the internet.

Post # 3
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t even know where to start on this one. I remember many of your previous posts about your resentment and bitterness about not receiving a proposal. If I remember correctly, a friend of yours got engaged and you, as you stated in this post as well, became a ‘raging lunatic’. Seriously–this is not healthy. For you or him. You are basically stopping your life and pining away for a proposal–a proposal which even you have stated might not even satisfy you because your resentment is so deep-rooted. In all of your posts, you never really talk about how much you love your SO, just how much you resent him for making you wait. I think in one post, you even said you didn’t care about the marriage so much as getting the ring and getting engaged for symbolic reasons. It sounds like no matter what he does for you, unless it’s a proposal, it won’t ever be good enough. There’s more to life than a diamond ring, but you’re so focused on that end goal that life is passing you by, event by event. 

 

At this point you need to really ask yourself why you are still in this reletionship. I suggest either moving on or getting some counseling. It’s not fair to you or to him (he’s paying for *your* trip of a lifetime and you’ve pretty much told him you’re going to be miserable during it) to be stuck in this unhealthy limbo. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 4
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Stranger516:  Sorry to hear that. Really doesn’t sound like the two of you are in a happy relationship. Seems like you are not on the same page 🙁 Sorry if that’s too personal: but have you been diagnosed with depression and are you taking medication / seeing a therapist? Or do you mean it more in the general “depressed” way? I believe that you are responsible for your happiness… no partner, no marriage, no kids can make you happy, you have to make yourself happy. <br />Would he go to couples counselling with you? <br /><br />About the Italy trip: I am usually one to not miss any occasion to travel. So I’d definitly say, go to Italy, enjoy it! But if you really don’t want to go with him: don’t. You can go to Italy by yourself and have a great time. Have you booked flights / hotel etc. yet? <br /><br />

Post # 5
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

You seem to realize that you are obsessing. And you even seem to agree with your SO that even after he proposes you will start obsessing and being depressed about something else? If this is true, you need to start addressing these issues with a professional. 

The fact of the matter is that no one likes to be around mopey whiney people. You need to find a way to move out of this cylce you’re in or he will get fed up. I know I would. I wouldn’t have stuck with you as long as he has!!

Go to Italy and enjoy it. But WITHOUT any strings. Not being proposed to in Italy doesn’t make the trip meaningless!!! Go, experience a wonderful place, and STOP obsessing. But in the meantime, get yourself a therapist.

Post # 6
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You realize that a lot/most guys like to plan engahements, right? Many like to map it out and make iT work, rehearse, make sure they take you to the perfect spot… Not happening in Italy. There is just too much else to do in there.

if you can’r do the trip you have always wanted, all expenates paid, without being in a big funk from not getting engaged… Let him go with someone else.

Post # 7
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

you should see a counsellor – you know your behaviour isn’t healthy and is damaging your relationship, but you can’t stop. so you need to look for some help – no shame, but that’s where you’re at. you know you can’t keep having this cycle of emotions and have your relationship stay healthy. 

can you get a journal to write in when you feel overwhelmed/upset about the engagement issue? also – if he was planning a proposal in italy, i don’t think he’d tell you, so you’re just winding yourself up when you say ‘he didn’t indicate he’d be proposing’. 

my fiancé proposed in spain, and although i had a hunch it was coming on that trip, on the actual day in spain i thought for sure it wasn’t – he may still be able to surprise you, but it seems like that is a secondary issue at this point. 

Post # 8
Member
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree that it would make sense for you to see someone & get your depression treated.  That really has to come first.  Until the depression is treated properly, be that with meds & therapy or just therapy, the rest of your life just isn’t going to work as well as it could.

Please take care of yourself.

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Stranger516:  You are obsessing about getting engaged so much that you are willing to miss your dream vacation to Italy just because you might not get engaged there. I want you to re-read that and try to see how ridiculous that is. You are sabotaging yourself; acting like this is probably going to make him think even more about whether it’s right to get married or not.

There is more to life than getting engaged. It sounds like you have not only depression, but some obsessive traits that really should be addressed with a therapist. The fact that you are already priming yourself for obsessing about kods after you get engaged is a problem. 

Go on the trip, but first talk to someone and work out what is going on with you. This is really important before you get married because you don’t want to be pulled down by this your whole life. It will affect your marriage and your (future) husband. 

Post # 10
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Stranger516:  can I pick an unlisted option? Dump him. He’s not going to be your husband. He’s dangling an engagement dependant on your performance- that’s bullshit and honestly pretty cruel. You’re a person who struggles with depression and you need a man who will accept and support you in good times AND bad happy AND sad- not some jerk saying “wellll we’ll see if you can change and act up to my standard and mayyyybe I’ll propose”

Bail. Go to Italy with your bff/brother/sister/mom/cousin. 

Post # 11
Member
2720 posts
Sugar bee

Suck it up and enjoy yourself. 

Post # 12
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Stranger516:  It is Italy. You can definitely enjoy it without being engaged.

Post # 13
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

MrsBuesleBee:  I am not sure I agree. Living with a perpetually depressed person is very difficult. If I were in that position, I would to see ay least some attempt to get past this.

Post # 14
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

nycsa:  yes it’s difficult and I totally think she should go to therapy and learn some tools and get better but I also don’t think she should want a proposal from a guy who’s like mehhhh lets see how much you can change. 

Post # 15
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

I say go to Italy first and see what happens. If he does propose then good for you. If not, then leave him.

In either way you get a free trip out of this.

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