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Personally I don't think it should be up to one person weither or not your engaged, I know thats a very unromantic opinion but it should be something that people decide together, that being said I also think kids should be a mutual conversation with the woman having the final say ofcourse since you will be the one who is actually going though pregnancy.
Don't take this the wrong way... but that sounds like a terrible idea....:( Maybe it is just me but i don't think anyone should pressure anyone in to haveing children, male or female. If it happens it happens, but "Pressure? Kinda sounds like entrapment.... Sorry.....
It should be an equal desision...for both the marrage and children
I REALLY want kids. It has only hit me in the past month or so, but I dream about babies every night! My FI on the other hand wants to wait at least 5 years. I totally see where your coming from, but I still think pressuring him might be a bad idea. You'll most likely end somewhere in the middle! :)
I don't really agree with this one, babies must be a mutual decision. I currently have a friend in this position and he's none to happy about becoming a father already, even though they have been married for 2 years, he was not ready.
But for me, if he decides when to get engaged then I get to DECIDE the wedding date and do all the planning. Haha, he told me that I can have anything I want for the wedding (within budget/reason of course)!
@shinythingsrule:The longer he takes to propose, the shorter the time will be before I "pressure" him to have kids after getting married
I agree! The ticking clock doesnt wait just cause he wants to wait to get married. If you (both) want kids by a certain age, then naturally, the longer he takes to propose and get married, the shorter the marriage time before having kids will be!
I agree with the logic although in reality there def will be more discussion about when to actually TTC but I think you already know that :D
So, I'd comfortably say I GET WEDDING DECISIONS!!!
Yeah, I get the wanting babies part. They're pretty awesome :)
But seeing as you can make em without his help, I would find a nicer way of phrasing this "compromise" to him. People don't like feeling pressured into making life-long decisions and you are using a baby-deadline to get a prompt proposal. I can understand your frustration, but do you see how this might be taken the wrong way by your SO?
There's a lot to be said for "letting the cards fall as they may" so to speak...
So relax, dont give him any crazy deadlines and everything will probably work out pretty close to what you wanted anyway :)
ps- we have the same birthday!
I personally struggle with the idea that he gets to decide when we get engaged. It may be the control freak in me, but decisions like this are huge and should be discussed together.
I get what you're saying, though I will admit it wasn't worded as smoothly as it could have been :) The mister and I both want kids and I wanted to wait at least 2 years after getting married to start trying but that was before I turned 30. Now that I'm 30 and would like to have kids before I'm 35, the timeline has gotten a bit tighter, especially since I'll be 31 by the time we get married if we marry next year!
Whoa! Not what I expected... Having a kid isn't the same as buying a new vacuum, you're kinda stuck with it for... 18 years (that sounded bad, but if you're not ready I bet it feels like you're "stuck" with a little dependant baby that you love like nuts).
I think this one one of this "we" issues. Maybe you can pick... wedding colors?
i get the feeling that the responses to OP are taking this more seriously than OP might have meant them to...
anyways, i would say it is perfectly legitimate of you to feel like you want kids soon, and if an engagment is farther off, then that means you would likely want kids sooner by the time you are actually married. however, your man may not understand that. just make sure he knows what age you'd like to be TTC around, and see what he says. he might decide to move up engagment, if he feels like he wants more married time alone without babies on the mind. XD
@shinythingsrule: I LOVE IT!!! HAHA!!
I totally agree with you. I am not married yet bu I am in agony waiting for my ring. In our relationship I pretty much make all of the decisions.. but when it comes to the BIG stuff he decided like buying a house, getting engaged, getting married... I guess you could place kids in the BIG decision category but after all.. babies are little :) so it should me my choice instead :P
It is up to the both of you to decide on children not just one of you. Don't forget it takes two to make a child and care for it and the decision if you BOTH are ready should be made by the two of you, you can't decide for him and vise-versa. That is a very large commitment an 18 year long one.
I completely understand your logic and it makes sense, although if he isn't ready to have kids despite the shortened time line it will obviously lead to a bit of trouble. Here's hoping he is agreeable to your suggestions. :)
I am the opposite in a sense. I fully intend on being married for several years before having children and as he took six years to propose that just delays the baby process. I am guessing we will consider having kids in about 5 years or so, although he would like them sooner.
I always find it comical that people label having kids as an 18 year commitment. As if on their 18th bday you cut ties and never have to do anything for them again. Come on now, it's LIFELONG. Not to mention grandkids, maybe even great grandkids that you will also be helping out when the time comes. Starting your family is not something to be taken lightly, it changes your life forever and both parties need to be on board for baby making.
But I'm guessing OP already knows all this ;)
As long as she doesn't phrase her timeline the way she did here, I'm sure it will work out for her!
I did something similar... We are both 23 right now and about a year ago we were seriously discussing marriage and engagement. My boyfriend wants to be 25 when we get married. I said fine, but if you agree you want to marry me then can we please be engaged by the end of the year so we have that official commitment? He was fine with it and I figured that was fair - it's a joint decision anyway!
I think to any previous posters taking this seriously, I am sure OP only meant for this as some fun and not really use child making opportunities as leverage over her SO and his control over the engagement!
I think I would choose the things I always wanted for the wedding, whether he liked them or not, bit of selfishness for my big day!! :D
I think I get that you might have intended this to be lighthearted and funny. If so, I wish I had thought to tell my FI this, maybe it would have sped up the proposal?! hehehe .... and, well, if you were being totally serious, there are a lot of other opinions on that up there ^^^ ;-)
I totally agree with this, you don't want to be a old mom that can't keep up with her children
@shinythingsrule: People need to chill out. I love the half funny/joking, half serious note of this post. Go for it! I'm sure he knows with your engagement/marriage come kids!! :) Good luck!
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...when we have kids.
Haha. It's only fair! The longer he takes to propose, the shorter the time will be before I "pressure" him to have kids after getting married ;)
We've talked about marriage and kids, and he definitely wants both, but I just turned 26 yesterday and thought I'd be married with at least a bun in the oven by now. Lol. So for each day he adds on to the proposal (and therefore, wedding/marriage/kids), I will take away a day from my "1 year engagement/ 1 more year for kids" timeline.
It's all perfectly logical.
Those of you who don't have kids yet, seems fair right?