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Maybe someone can answer this for me... My BF is one who likes to keep things a surprise. He already knows that my answer is "YES" if he ever gets around to proposing. Did I ruin the effect he was looking for? Would guys rather know their girlfriend will say yes, or do they want to find out when they finally pop the question?
My BF is the same; he wants the proposal to be a complete surprise without me knowing when it will happen. He knows that the answer will be yes.
I think it's probably reassuring for a guy to know that if he makes all that effort to buy a ring and planning a nice proposal, the effort will be worth it... so I don't think you're ruining anything by being clear about what you want.
My FI and I had talked about marriage many times before he proposed. I thought that he knew my answer was yes, and was very surprised when he was SO NERVOUS during the actual proposal (which was insanely romantic btw). When I asked him about it later on, he explained that even though he was pretty sure I would say Yes, it is such a monumental step and a right of passage that he did feel nervous.
It's fairly common that the guy wants to surprise the girl... but I've never heard of a guy wanting the response to be a surprise! I can't believe there are that many proposals going on where the guy literally thinks her answer is a 50/50 tossup.
Growing up, the way proposals are portrayed in movies, I always thought the guy suprised the girl by asking & she had no clue he would ask & he didn't know what the answer would be. However, I talked to quite a few people about this & I've been told its very important to talk about where your future is headed with your SO. You want to both be on the same page... or else he may never propose & he didn't know that's what she wanted or she may get asked & not be ready for it. Its very good if you talk about it before. Before my now husband & I started dating/courting, we talked about how we both felt the other person was the one we could potentially marry someday. I don't remember how the subject came up, but 5 months later we told each other that we knew we would one day marry each other (not like in a proposal kind of way). 1 month later, he proposed. :). I don't think a guy would ask a girl to marry him if he didn't think the answer would be yes.
I think for a lot of guys I know they have an irrational fear that the girl might say no and they'd be mortified. My FI was one of them--all nervewracked that I'd turn him down even though he knew I wouldn't. He appreciated that I told him that I'd say yes.
I think a guy should assume the girl would say yes when he asks. That's an expensive purchase if he thinks it's a 50:50 chance!
I also believe marriage is a decision both parties should discuss before a proposal - yes less romantic but sensible!
I think that saying NO would actually ruin the proposal way more that knowing in advance you're going to accept!
I also think that couples should make sure it's the right choice/time. Communication is key when making a life decision. And yes, my BF knows I will say yes. In fact, I told him if he didn't get around to it, I'd propose to him! But I know he will be nervous hehe.. it's going to be so cute!! He's adorable when he's nervous. :)
I think most guys would get more nervous trying to make sure everything works out/you're surprised/things go as planned. Most aren't as worried about your answer, at least from the guys I've talked to.
I think guys that are into the surprise are all about surprising their girlfriend about the exact moment he is going to propose or how he is going to do it. I kind of doubt that there are that many men out there proposing without anticipating the girl saying yes. I think that it is why it is so hard for guys who are into the surprise aspect to actually do it. In most relationships, both people know that the time is right, so the 'surprise' guy is waiting for the right moment to catch her off guard.
Its a mutual decision that should be discussed ahead of time... but that doesn't mean its any less romantic!
Guys LOVE spoiling their girls and feeling like the macho provider who made his girl proud, so the surprise factor would most likely come from his method of asking and your reaction, not your feelings about marrying him or not.
No way I'd ask if I didn't know the answer for sure! But, that's just me :)
@MazipanMrs. I think that is a great answer. I feel like the ball is in court now until he proposes. So he's knows I'm just WAITING for him to do. He knows I'm excepting it. So where is the surprise??
@sdjurado84: Yeah, if he knows for sure you know its coming and are waiting waiting waiting, I would think the best way to get him moving is to just be happy, not talk about engagement, wedding plans, etc. and let him *think* you will be caught off guard. :) It is cute that he really wants to surprise you! He probably has something special planned.
I asked my FI the same question and his response was "Even though I was pretty sure of the answer, you just never know. There are just some things you shouldn't always assume." I guess, that's the point of asking in the first place. ;)
Not sure if he has anything planned. But I do get some weird comments every now and then. We have a special restaurant we both LOVE and he mentioned us having our engagement party there. Like out the blue. I also found a bank account that was for an engagment present/wedding present. So we will see..
My guy told me on a couple occasions that he thought the proposal shouldn't be a guessing game. It was too important of an event to take a chance- just like you shouldn't hope about an "I do" at the ceremony.
Hearing from my engaged/married friends, they all talked about it ahead of time, they didn't know the exact day it would happen but they definitly talked about when they wanted to get married and the guys built a timeline around it.
I think if the guy thinks that "NO" may be an option, he shouldn't be proposing. There should be no doubt that you are spending your lives together before that question gets asked.
I just asked my fiance, and he said it absolutely did not ruin the proposal - he also said the he wouldn't have planned something nearly as big/elaborate if he wasn't sure of my answer. He proposed when we were on a cruise, and it was so special, and he said that if he hadn't been positive I would say yes, he would have done something much smaller in scale (for example, if he would have proposed on the ship and I said no, it would have ruined the entire vacation! In our case, it made the vacation that much more awesome.)
He said that if he didn't know I would say yes, he would have just taken me out to a special dinner, etc. and not have planned something so big and elaborate. So, I'm glad he knew! :)
I'm a big proponent of open communication about the timing of marriages, proposals, etc. So while the details of the proposal could be a surprise (like in the park or at a fancy dinner, etc.) I would be really concerned about the communication skills of a couple who had not talked about marriage and where the answer was really uncertain at the moment of the proposal.
It sounds like most/ all guys know that the ladies will say "YES" before the question is asked. But then that brings up another question.. Is popping the QUESTION now just TRADITION verses actually ASKING A QUESTION??
just a thought...
Straight from the BF: Nope. :P
It's still going to be a surprise for me but he already knows what I'll say. :)
I asked FI this and he said 'why would you ask someone to marry you if you didn't know for sure they wanted to marry you?' I don't think it ruins anything; proposals are rarely true surprises (as in never spoken about and out of the blue) - usually both partied have already spoke about wanting to be together/get married.
I dont even understand the concept of a true surprise proposal. Like seriously, I hope that doesn't really happen.
I had a true surprise proposal. A guy I had been dating for 6 months proposed to me with a 2 carat ring while on a romantic vacation in Europe. We had never discussed the future in any way. It was beyond awful. He is not the guy I am marrying now. We became engaged during a mutual discussion in our backyard. A few weeks later I picked out a ring.
He knows, I know...but that doesn't mean I make it easy on him! I can't be the only one that blows their SO off on purpose whenever they start talking about the future. It makes him so nervous, it's hilarious. :P He tried to ask me what cut I'd like for side stones and he was sweating bullets. Muahaha! No sweat, ladies in waiting, we're still the ones in control. ;) We don't have to say yes; it's not inevitable and it's still an important question, regardless of how sure we are.
i honestly couldn't imagine being proposed to without having previously discussed marriage! i don't think knowing the answer before hand ruins the proposal. he'll still feel the same rush of emotions and nerves surrounding the entire experience
I personally think the whole romanticized idea of a "surprise proposal" is quite unhealthy.. this is no longer the age of the woman looking for an appropriate suitor and the man trying to woo her and sweep her off her feet. We are two adults in a grown-up relationship; there should be nothing hidden and no surprises when it comes to where we stand emotionally or what we want from the future. Sure the "moment" can be romantic and a surprise, but I believe a couple should already have discussed this way before that happens!
I agree completely with Miss Boston and Sweetpea (and anyone else who said it), I don't think a surprise proposal is a good idea. I'm not the type that would wait and not bring up the subject of marriage. We are both open and honest about where we've been in the relationship as we moved through it. He knew I wanted to get married and we discussed when was a good time to get engaged and married based on other future plans. Things are falling into place right as he and I planned them together. Marriage is a partnership and I don't believe it should start when you say "I do" - it should start with the decision to get married together.
Whoa. You should definitely talk about marriage (and many other things) before getting engaged. If you are playing games, or trying to make the other person think you will say "no" or are "on the fence," you are in big trouble, IMO.
My opinion is that they would probably feel more comfortable asking such an important answer if they know the answer will be yes. Think about it...for one, engagement rings are not cheap. Would the guy/girl want to waste a ton of money for someone if they weren't completely sure? And two and more importantly, this is the forever. This is the rest of your lives. I don't think a guy/girl would want to leave that up to chance.
Wow @cakegal ...I just read your post. That's crazy! That's sounds like something that happens in movies
My Fiance was not 100% even though I made it clear to him... men!
I think most guys know the girl would say yes, or they wouldn't ask yet... I imagine it would be really depressing and stressful if the girl said no, in some cases, relationship enders.
I think nowadays, people talk about marriage and are very open about these things before the proposal... so yes, I think the proposal is just a traditional thing. I mean a lot of times, a ring is purchased together, so obviously the girl is going to say yes, and is just waiting to be asked lol.
My bf and I were talking and he said “do I even need to ask you if I know the answer is yes?” I said “I have waited a long and I still want to be asked!” The question is a big part of it.
My BF did "sound me out" on this... he casually brought up the fact that our friends were getting married in huge numbers last year and through 2010, and didn't I think that was strange? I was like, nope it's not, I'd be expecting something like this too if things (our job and family issues) were different...
As it is, I'm trying hard to be the patient and sensible one, because I know it's better for us in the long run.
If I showed up tomorrow with the rings and suggested we elope, I'm fairly certain BF would be cool with it. And he knows it too. 
I tell my boyfriend that I would say yes whenever we talk about marriage! I just can't help it! Boys arent always the best at picking up hints - sometimes you have to be direct.
I think in many ways, even though they KNOW what the answer will be, they still stress themselves out a bit. It is a lot of pressure on them to provide the most romantic moment possible!
After he proposed, we were talking about it my FI said that he was sooo nervous and it was such a big deal for him to ask even though he already knew the answer. He said that it's a time for a guy to be really vulnerable and put himself out there, even if he's pretty sure she'll say yes. There could always be cold feet!
When we first started talked about getting married, casually, I told him right then that whenever he got around to asking, my answer would be yes, and would remind him every now and then, mostly to tease him. I knew the proposal was coming, and knew he had picked out the ring (I helped him pick it out). The one time I was REALLY certain it was going to happen- at Disneyland on my birthday he ended up changing his mind because he knew I was on to him, and told me after the fact, much to my dismay, since he wanted to surprise me. He ended up waiting 6 months before he actually proposed, and completly caught me off guard. He did tell me that when he did propose he was worried for a bit, because it took me a really long time to say yes (I don't think I actually said yes, I just kinda nodded). I was in shock.
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