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I don't think that I could try and manipulate my DH to change his convictions. I mean is he siding with them b/c he doesn't want issues or does he hold those same convictions?
Really as important as it may seem to you... the only song I even HEARD at our wedding was when we had worship. And that's only b/c we totally stopped and put our focus on worshipping. Everything was like blocked out so to speak.. I don't even remember hearing them. lol
So taking that into consideration, I prolly would degress on having to have it if having it meant pushing my DH to step down from what he believes.
*just a thought*
That and manipulation defintiely isn't a good way to get a compomise. lol
Is there a way you can compromise? I don't like the ultimatum one bit - I think it's really starting things off on the wrong foot. I know you said music is really important to you - do you mean during the ceremony, or during the reception? If it's during the ceremony, can you try to find a song that musicians can play with the instruments his family approves of? And if it's during the reception, why not just have the DJ or band not start up until everyone's done with dinner, and then those who want to stay and dance can, but those who are offended by the music can leave?
Clarification: is your FI on "their side" because he shares their religious convictions, or because he doesn't want to rock the boat?
I agree with pp that your FI's motivations are important. If he is against music because of his religious beliefs, then it sounds like you two have some pretty different ideas about religion and more important than the wedding you need to decide if you can live with and respect his beliefs for the rest of your life.
If, however, he is just trying to please his family then I think he needs to get over it. You two should have the wedding you want and if family is going to not come because of it, that is their perogative.
@amnystik: Well its not about his beliefs he listens to music all the time and has no problem with it. He just doesn't want issues with his family. I feel like this wedding should be about me and him not about his distant relative who he avoids seeing as much as possible. I also think that what I want should be more important than what they want since its my/our day.
Yeah, this would bother me A LOT too. I completely agree that if it isn't his parents or somebody very close, why not have music?
@USAandKSA: I agree with you. What you and he want IS more important. He should be backing you on this. But you should not under any circumstances issue an ultimatum over this. Discuss it like adults.
He is not religious at least not that religious he just doesn't want probs and he listens to music all the time.
WB is really getting on my nerves.
Giving an ultimatum is not going to help you out in the long run. Remind him that a wedding reflects the couples interests...not some aunts and uncles who don't like music.
Maybe compromise. Maybe don't play music until after dinner. Then, if they want to leave they can leave.
@Miss Tattoo: I like your compromise suggestion!
I am curious about what religion they are?
Thats a great compromise ^^^ and what I was going to recommend, I can't stand family that always wants it to be about their desires rather than the bride & groom. urggg...
@amyisnice: Sounds like the 2x2's or the Truth. Probably isn't, but they are against a lot of different music too.
I'm with miss tattoo on this one this. Her idea is a good compromise and everyone should be happy
Soooo, some distant relatives that your FI usually tries to avoid seeing might not come to the wedding because you want to play music. What is the problem, exactly? This looks like a win/win to me!
This is more than just an issue as far as your wedding goes. This is an issue that will come up later in your marriage. Religious beliefs are something that can bring people apart. I would have a talk about where you both stand on things.
My sister and her husband didn't get married in a church. She wishes that she did. It now sometimes comes up in their marriage and not in a good way.
Just a thought.
@Miss Tattoo: Thats a really good suggestion for anyone who is having a traditional wedding but we are only having a reception and according to his family's traditions we are having the dinner as the very last thing we do(they are use to having a really late dinner) so after that everyone would leave. I can't change that either because that is what everyone is use to so they would just leave right after eating. Also it would mean that I couldn't have the songs that I wanted for my enterance, during our video tribute thing, while we cut our cake or while we exchange rings :(
We have talked about religion a lot and are of the same religion and are bother agree that our religion is very important but we are also both very liberla when it comes to following all the rules and things. There are only a few small things that we may not see eye to eye on but should not effect our marriage or the way we want to bring up our children.
@USAandKSA: you need to decide (and by "you" I mean you and your FI) what is more important and what YOU TWO want. If you allow his relatives to have their way, that will open the door to what they will demand AFTER the wedding (especially when children are involved).
Also, what about YOUR family and BOTH your friends'. What would THEY prefer? this isn't about who's right and who's wrong and rocking the boat. This is about creating a wedding, a celebration, for everyone to enjoy. NOT just one set of people.
IF it were your friends (no relation whatsoever) making this demand, would you go with it or tell 'em 'tough luck'?
Also, a marriage is about compromise and give-and-take. NOT what one or the other demands/says will happen. He needs to consider YOUR feelings about this as well.
No, it won't be easy, but no serious relationship (especially marriage) is.
good luck!!!
Your future husband should be backing you, not his family. Period. Getting married is about starting a new family and having each other's backs. Not a good sign that he isn't doing that in this case. Drawing boundaries is tough - but necessary. I would suggest the after dinner compromise.
@USAandKSA: 2x2's are the same as the Truth. The world calls them 2x2's or the Church with No Name, they call themselves the Truth or the Way.
They can use electricty, but can't have televisions, computers, etc. They can have cell phones, oddly enough, but no smart phones. They don't celebrate Christmas and Easter, considering them pagan. The women wear long denim skirts and grow their hair out. Makeup is not allowed. The men look pretty normal. They don't have churches but follow an old form of protestantism where the ministers (they call themselves workers) go from farmhouse to farmhouse to hold services. They are essentially homeless ministers who travel via car from home to home. They go in packs of 2, hence the name 2x2's (2 males or 2 females). They stay in the home of the person they are visiting and hold services there because having a church would be against their religion.
There is an overseer in every state as well. Members of the following call themselves 'friends' and give the 'workers' money when they are about to leave... discreetly of course. The friends need to provide the workers with all their basic needs while they stay in the house. The overseer of each state eventually gets all the money the workers collect from the friends, then distribute it out for gas, convention halls (oddly enough, they have these) etc. It's... different.
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His immediate family don't have too much of a problem with music the issue is that some of his relative(i.e. his aunt) feel really strongly against it and might not come or might walk out. I on the other hand feel really strongly for it. No one in their family has ever had music at their wedding. They do have music but its only a specific type of music with specific types of instraments that they believe is not against their religion. This would mean that I would not be able to play ANY of the songs that I want at the wedding. FH is taking their side. I know I can get my way if I tell him that if there will be no music at the wedding there will be no bride at the wedding either.