If I hear about photographry one more time…

posted 3 years ago in Photos/Videos
Post # 2
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

alyssaC:  sounds like she wants to be able to make “suggestions” to the photographer. It’s good that you and your FI stuck together. Honestly I would not wait for her to bring up the photographer issue again “We’ll talk about this later” – she has pretty much told you already that the issue is not over in her mind. I would be giving the money back to her – there are major strings attached! Who takes out a loan to pay off debts anyway? 

Post # 3
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you have some decision that needs to be made that you can deal with completely giving up, I would hand it to her.  Something she may somewhat care about. It would redirect her to something else, and give her less time to fixate on photographers.  She may just want to be involved. 

Post # 5
Member
4894 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

alyssaC:  I think the best plan of action is to give her the money back, and tell her “thanks but no thanks”. As nice as it would be to put it towards alcohol, you will NOT hear the end of this as long as she feels she’s contributing financially.

For most people, photography is just one of those super important aspects of a wedding day and I’m guessing that your MIL is stressed because SHE feels it’s important. I’ll admit that as a wedding photographer is makes my heart sink when someone doesn’t hire a professional. NOT because I think everyone needs to, but because I hear so so so many horror stories where brides come back and say “I thought photography wasn’t going to be that important to me but now that I have my pictures and they’re all dark and out of focus I’m really upset I didn’t go a different route”. I honestly don’t say that to guilt you, just trying to show a different perspective that maybe your well meaning MIL isn’t doing a good job of wording? LOL

That being said, it’s like I tell ALL my clients – spend your money on what is most important to you. If you truly do not see the value in 3k+ photos, but you spend the money on it anyway, you would probably be dissapointed and regret spending that money. Just think long and hard about it, because it’s a day you can’t get back when it’s over. It’s the same with flowers, cakes, etc.

My own SIL is planning her wedding with my help/input. She spent $2500 on the photographer (which to me is the most important vendor!!!), yet spent over 3k on a dress and she’s spent $4500 on a videographer. To me that’s CRAZY. I can’t fathom spending more on the dress than the photographer capturing the memories. However, it’s like I explained to her: Throughout this entire planning process, the two things she’s agonized over and really cared the most about finding was a dress and videographer so if she’s happy with that decision, that’s what matters.

 

Post # 6
Member
4894 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

alyssaC:  Oh, and just to add….FWIW, as a full time professional wedding photographer, I do not take direction or instruction from family or guests at a weddding. 😉 You can assure her that hiring a pro will not get her what she wants. When it comes to photography, I run the show. Too many cooks in the kitchen results in a hott mess and a lot of missed moments.

Post # 7
Member
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow – even if she was for real rolling in money, you shouldn’t let her pay for the photographer! Sounds like she wants to control the whole photoshoot!

You may also want to consider having a designated FMIL distractor to try to keep her away from your cousin. lol

Post # 8
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ugh! People can get super worked up about photography. It also wasn’t a high priority for me and you would think that I told some people that we were getting married in a swamp when we said we only paid $800 for a photog! The horror! But seriously, I think you and your fiance are doing all the right things. You were clear about what you would be using the $1000 for. You have been very clear that you’ve made the decision aboout your cousin doing photos. If his mom wants some cool photography, she can do a photoshoot for herself or her family, but you get to pick how you want photography done for your wedding! I am a big fan of killing them with kindness, but she isn’t seeming to get the hint. If she brings it up again, I’d tell her that you love her and love that she’s excited by you’re sick of talking about photography, you’ve made your decision and it’s final and you don’t want to talk about it any more. Then change the subject and move on.

Post # 9
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the other bees. Give her the money back. Not only because she’s trying to use it to get her own way, I’d be very concerned that since that money was loaned to her, and for whatever reason she has trouble paying it back, or just money issues in general, she will hold that above your head and expect financial help in return.

Just bad ju-ju with that money. Give it back, do not entertain a conversation about photography AT ALL, and keept it moving. Good luck!

 

Post # 12
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

koi424:  LOL at “Designated FMIL distractor”. Great idea!

Post # 14
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

I think your FMIL is in her own little world about your wedding.  Since I’m only an outsider reading in on your story, I’m going to give your FMIL the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like she has good albeit misguided intentions for your wedding, and she’s not doing this to be malicious and mean. 

When it comes to weddings, people will always have very strong opinions about how it should go.  Your FMIL seems to place a ton of value on good photographs, while to you and your FI, it is not as important.  It doesn’t sound like she’s EXPECTING the two of you to shell out $$$ for the type of photographs she loves, and honestly thought by contributing $1,000 it would be more than enough to cover at least half the costs.  If I were you, I’d let her go about her own little musings and research and not let it bother me, but where I’d draw the line is if she started to insist/expect you and your FI to start shelling out a lot of money $$ for another photographer that she loves.

There are so many women who complain about how apathetic and non-caring their FILs are about their wedding, on a positive note, at least your FMIL shows care and concern even when she herself has no money to spend and was willing to gift you with $1,000 toward costs. 

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