(Closed) If not living together or married, do you still include SO in big decisions?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
13662 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If you’re planning a future with your SO — which you clearly are — it makes total sense to consult one another when it comes to big decisions like this. If the relationship were more casual or you guys had just met, it might not make sense, but I’m totally with you on this one.

Post # 4
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I agree with your boyfriend on this one. First of all, if you have some out of town trips coming up then that alone is reason enough not to get a cat right now.

Second of all, animals can take time to settle in somewhere so if you get one now and then move again in several months, it’s a lot for the cat to handle. Plus, it can be harder to find an apartment that allows animals.

And yes, I would have consulted my boyfriend on any major decisions before we lived together. We were serious pretty quickly so anything major would have effected him too down the line.

Post # 5
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Well to answer your GFs Question…

 “Why do you need your BF’s approval?” 

As an INDEPENDENT person.. you don’t

BUT as a member of partnership with someone else it certainly is the considerate (wise) thing to do.

A Pet is a BIG commitment… 10 to 20+ years

As you intend to be with your SO forever… then it makes sense that he should be part of that decision / commitment.

That said…

As someone who has had many pets in my lifetime…

I can tell you that animals can be quite finicky about change…

And that can cause upheaval in their lives (and yours)

Not eating properly… throwing up… household accidents (poo is bad, cat pee, or spraying even worse) … taking out their frustrations on “things”… like damaging / destroying furniture, drapes, shoes, laundry etc

NONE OF THAT FUN (as someone who has been thru this stuff thru house moves with animals that can be surprisingly “territorial”)

I’d certainly wait to get the kitty for those reasons alone (the bonding argument made by your man is also a good one)

Lol, you can adopt the kitty together… and “baby it” as it becomes an important mileston in your relationship / member of your family.

Hope this helps

 

Post # 6
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am totally impatient too but I am in the camp that says wait until you are living together before getting Ms or Mr Kitty in your lives. FI and I each brought a kitty into the living situation and so we had to get each other’s cat used to us in an everyday living situation, not just visits.  I feel like my cat has bonded with him while his likes me well enough lol…

Post # 7
Member
710 posts
Busy bee

I’m kind of in the middle here.

If your boyfriend didn’t want to live with a cat, I’d take that into consideration since you want to move in together soon. Sounds like he does, so that’s not an issue.

However, without proposed marriage, I would not get a pet together. You can get yourself cat, and your boyfriend can be excited to have you and the cat move in, and he can love it and partake in all the joys of having a furry companion. I personally don’t like big joint purchases or joint pets without the big commitment. Admittedly, I’m a liiiiittle jaded, but that’s my take.

I do worry a little that a kitten’s expenses could potentially be a strain on your budget from the sounds of your post. The costs of a healthy kitten are relatively low, even with a spay/neuter surgery. If those are not easily absorbed financially at this point, I’d hold off a while.

Post # 8
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

I think that waiting to get the kitten would be more fair to your future little ball of fluff, moving can be super hard on them (as far as i know?)

 

do you have any other pets? Maybe to tide you over you could get something else? Hamsters/other rodents are good, they are self contained, cute, easy to move, pretty short lived. though obviously that might just not appeal to you 🙂

Post # 9
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it’s nice to consider the future when making big current decisions, but at the end of the day it is still your choice and your finances.  As long as he isn’t saying I hate cats or I’m allergic, then I don’t see why you need to include him in the decision beyond that.

My DH had a dog long before we met me and she loves me. They’re animals not babies, they will bond with anyone who gives them attention on a regular basis.

THe only reason I would wait to get it is because it takes time for animals to adapt to change and wouldn’t want to get them settled in one house then cause a big change again.

Post # 10
Member
4528 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yes and neffective included him in planning my future as far as school, and I regularly ask his opinion on things. However, I am spending the summer away, and he would prefer I didn’t. It’s something I want for me though.

Post # 11
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with your roommate. You’re dying for a kitten? Just get it!!

Post # 12
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think it’s great that you consulted him, and it’s good to know he wants a cat too. But beween now and January is kind of a long time, if you don’t want to wait then I think you should go ahead and get one. As long as he spends time with the cat (and gives it lots of pets and treats!) they will bond just fine. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

From a practical standpoint, I’d say wait to get the kitten. You have big expenses and an out of town wedding you said. Although I’m sure your roomie will take care of the kitty in your absence, it would be far better if you waited. 

As for the money aspect, since you are moving in with him so soon, then yes, it should be discussed. After all, you are getting the apartment together, he has a right to give you his feelings on the topic.

Post # 14
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

We absolutely do not make any large decisions without consulting each other. The pet thing is one of the ones that came up even. A pet is a 10+ year commitment, if you’re getting married it affects his life, too. I really can’t fathom making a large decision without consulting each other first, but I suppose every relationship is different 

Post # 15
Member
2382 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, I think he’s absolutely right, so I’m biased.  You don’t want to adopt a new kitten, be out of town multiple times in the next month and right when he/she gets adjusted and settled, pick up and move. 

But in general, before my fiance and I moved in together, he asked me for my opinion on plenty of things.  He wanted my opinion on a new couch, because it was eventually going to be our couch, and he didn’t want me to hate it.  Same with the bed.  He also usually asked my opinion on other major purchases, especially if they weren’t necessary ones.  I’m usually the voice of reason, so if I asked him if he REALLY needed it, he knew it was probably a frivolous buy.

Post # 16
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LadyBlackheart:  who’s going to take care of the kitten on these weekends away and vacation? maybe a more practical reason to wait…?

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