If one of you were infertile

posted 3 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AB Bride:  For us it wouldn’t matter. We both feel that if we want kids, we are going to adopt. 

Post # 5
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

This is something we’ve thought about, as in the near-year since we started trying, we’ve swung from thinking that I’m the problem to having very convincing evidence that it’s only  him.

Things change, depending on “infertility” in the sense that we are subfertile (i.e., could get pregnant in the next 1 – 5 years), or truly infertile — highly unlikely that we will ever conceive.

When I first learned about his low sperm count, admittedly, I was upset. Angry because he eats like crap. Upset still because in the weeks since, he still cannot get into the routine of taking multivitamins or making much of an effort to change his diet to get more zinc, calcium, iron,  etc. It’s a struggle every day. Perpetually having to ask, “Did you take your vitamin?” “No, I will in a while, remind me later.” “Did you take it?” “No, I will later.” “Did you take it?” Some of it may be because of other factors, but I highly suspect his poor diet has more to do with it (he’s a vegetarian, so coming by calcium and the like is a little more complicated. Meat-eaters with poor diets still probably do OK in regards to calcium and iron, if only because they’re more likely to consume dairy too. And, well, meat and iron, well, obviously…)

 

So, in my case, my feelings would be different if I were told I was infertile versus him. If after several weeks it turns out dietary changes have nothing to do with it, I would feel differently. I would expect him to feel the same (and I’d feel similarly myself) if my infertility were primarily the cause of something I was doing and could change. But something like endometriosis, etc.? I have no hand in it.

And I’d feel the same if it turns out he has varicocele or something else causing sperm problems.

Post # 6
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

We definitely discussed this prior to getting married because I was being treated for cervical cancer in the months leading up to our wedding.  We both agreed that if we can’t conceive naturally then it’s just not meant to be.  We don’t want to try IVF or adopt.  BUT we both know based on previous pregnancies that our stuff works so it’s unlikely that we won’t get pregnant naturally.

Post # 7
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think both of us would be upset, and have a range of emotions regardless of who it was. But we would probably then adopt if conception wasn’t possible between the two of us.

Post # 8
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AB Bride:  we have not spoken about this. i do have a huge fear of not being able to have kids. But yet, I have never asked if DH would be up for adopting kids.

Post # 9
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We would be okay. I’ve always liked the idea of adopting, so I’d accept it and adopt. I think he might actually feel more less in regards to not being able to have biological children.

And for me it wouldn’t matter which one of us had the issue. I think I would still feel the same, as long as there was not a dangerous issue.

Post # 10
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think I would feel like a failure if I had the issue.  If my FI was infertile, my instinct would be to comfort him and let him know I still love him.  I can’t imagine blaming him, unless it was a situation like CookieCreamCakes described where he eats like crap and can actually do something to raise his sperm count but he refuses to do so.  That would piss me off.

But if it was something neither of us could control, there would be a lot of sadness and hugs and love.  We’re marrying each other because we want to be partners; potential parenthood is simply a bonus.  If for some reason parenthood wasn’t in the cards, we’d get through it.

Post # 11
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Sad that I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally, though I’m young so this probably wouldn’t affect me right now too much. But I never knew I wanted kids, I don’t feel like l need them to feel fulfilled so we’d either be child free or adopt a child. If dh were infertile I’d feel a bit better, since I wouldn’t feel guilty.

Post # 12
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@AB Bride:  Could you elaborate on your question? Do you mean SO as in boyfriend who you are not married to? Or SO as in husband?

I ask b/c for some, this could skew the answer.

Post # 13
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have a kid, so it’s hard to answer. 

But we had to deal with not being able to carry a pregnancy successfully after the birth of our son. It’s not the same as being infertile, but the doctors told us that it would be next to impossible to carry another baby to term for me, and 5 miscarriages later, I believe them.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but we moved on. We both wanted another kid, but it wasn’t a deal breaker. We’re trying to adopt now, but even if that doesn’t work out, it wont be a deal breaker, we will be happy with our small family of three.

If we had of found out we were infertile before we had our son, I think we would have started the adoption process much sooner, since that was always something we were interested in. Again tho, it wouldn’t have been a major issue for us, we eithere would have adopted or not – but eithere way we’d still be happy.

Post # 14
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would be very upset because I really want to go through pregnancy. However, it would not change my mind on wanting children. We would try to adopt. 

I’m not sure that I could do surrogacy though. I think I would have a very difficult time knowing someone else was carrying my baby because I couldn’t. I do think that people who are surrogate’s are incredible and doing a very special thing for someone. I just think I would be…jealous I guess? 

Post # 16
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AB Bride:  I have no desire for children, nor does my FI. Finding out one of us was infertile would be a blessing in disguise.

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