- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
My ex was an emotionally abusive, stealing, cheating, lying scumbag who made my life a misery, encouraged me to become estranged from family and friends (I missed my brother’s wedding and a close friend’s first pregnancy because of him) and ran up debts in my name before leaving me for another woman who did me a very big favour. I stayed because I didn’t think I had a choice.
After we split up I decided I wasn’t going to let him ruin another second of my life. I made peace with it all – I have never wasted time or energy wishing things had been different, never kicked myself for staying, although the hurt, shame and humiliation of being cheated on (he told a lot of people I was treating HIM badly and then boasted about cheating) did put a big debt in my self esteem. I think a lot of my friends found it harder to deal with because they felt guilty for not helping me even though I doubt I would’ve felt able to accept help. After we split up, I got a new job and got on with my life. I am now engaged to the most awesome man. And now, now my ex (or rather his lousy legacy) is screwing up my life.
This probably won’t make sense but soon after my FI proposed, when I was happier than I’d ever been, I broke down and called a helpline to talk about my ex. I don’t know if it was because I could finally let myself think about it (at first I couldn’t because it was too much and too hard to think about) or if being happy was just such a stark contrast to before.
I’ve been fine since then. I don’t think I need to work through any of this with a counsellor, because the thought of wasting time talking about him just irritates me. He was a piece of work who preyed on vulnerable women and I had a lucky escape. But as our wedding draws closer I have started to really worry that my wonderful FI will get cold feet and jilt me. Because there’s a part of me that thinks, well, if someone awful didn’t want me, why would someone amazing want me?
My FI says my ex cheated on me because he is an a-hole, not because there’s anything wrong with me. But I keep worrying. And I am angry that that stupid b-stard is ruining my engagement, that he’s putting me under a dark cloud when I would otherwise just be excited. I have zero reason to think FI would jilt me… other than the fact that I’m me, and I’m easy to throw away. If you read all this waffle, thank you. There’s no need to reply, I just wanted to get it off my chest – because I think that is what I needed to do, just get it out of my head.