So I am really really confused. I always thought that a bridal shower was when you brought something for the bride and the wedding was to the couple (and if there was an engagement or couple's shower that was for both too, obviously) but now I'm being told I'm wrong. And after my bridal shower invites went out.
First off, I'm not a gift whore nor do I care about that so much as I don't want to get a bunch of stuff for me instead of stuff off our registry because that doesn't seem fair to my FI.
My MOH wanted to do a lingerie shower but I'm not big into that so we came up with a spa day/make-up/pamper idea and I made a "pinterest" registry for make-up through Sephora. My mom mentioned it wasn't what most people did but I figured that make-up was something I could enjoy more than a bunch of expensive lacy things.
Now my mom and aunt are saying that if the women invited buy me a gift (makeup oriented) that I will receive nothing off my registry for the wedding which is NOT what I had wanted. I would prefer stuff off the registry to not if that makes sense? I guess I just thought the bridal shower was to shower the bride with gifts just for her.
TLDR: if guests bring a bridal shower gift does that mean they aren't getting a "wedding gift?"
@itsashleyday: From my experience, you are referring to a bachelorette party which doesn't have to be wild and crazy. A bridal shower is for general wedding gift giving in lieu of giving gifts for wedding. If I wasn't invited to the bridal shower then I would bring a gift to the wedding.
I've been a BM six times and that was my experience every time.
Typically you get a gift for both. I've never been to a bridal shower where I bought makeup for the bride.... It's usually something off the registry.
ETA: I've been to a ton of bridal showers and that's where I give the gift, and then just a check for the wedding.
No, tradtionally the gifts at the bridal shower are NOT just for the bride. I'd never ever heard of a lingerie or makeup shower or anything like that before the bee. A bridal shower is where you receive gifts off your registry that are typically for your home - towels, dishes, cookware, etc. The reason it's thought of as being for the bride...well, frankly that just comes from times when women stayed at home and did all the cooking and cleaning and decorating, so even though they were gifts for the couple's home the bride would mainly be the one using them. Most guests will bring a gift to the shower and give money at the wedding.
What your MOH is planning sounds nice...but it also doesn't really sound like a bridal shower, my friends/family would be very confused by it. I've been to things like what you are describing as part of the bachelorette party where the bride wanted a spa day instead of the typical bar or club or whatever, but I've never seen it done for the shower.
I was always under the impression that the registry stays up until the wedding day. Therefore, it is open for the shower AND wedding.
My FSIL did that and we chose from that list for both occasions. That is what we are doing as well. However, we are also having a very small wedding (about 60 people) so I'm not sure what people with a large guest list do.
Thank god we don't do bridal showers over here! They seem so complicated! Having said that, take my perspective with a grain of salt.
I would imagine that if you only registered for cheaper items (i.e. makeup), then they would probably still bring a gift to the wedding - if I purchased a gift from your shower registry that was only small, I would probably still bring a gift to the actual wedding. Maybe not as big a gift as originally intended, but I would still bring something.
@MRSsrm85: Well, it's not the bachelorette party, as we aren't having one of those persay, we're having a few girls to a spa the day before the wedding which I think is why the "theme" of the bridal shower is what it is.
Well, hell. Now I'm all confused and don't know what to do because the invites are already sent out and they mention "Make-up, Manicures, & Mimosas"
Bridal shower presents are usually bought off the couples registry and maybe some lingerie as well. Every wedding/shower I've been to the couples gets mostly presents at the shower and cards at the wedding.
@itsashleyday: Ok, so here's how it works where I'm from:
Bridal Shower - Bride usually registers for kitchen and home related items. It's meant for the couple to have stuff for the home - kitchen stuff like dishes, pots and pans, and other home stuff like towels, sheets, etc.
Wedding - either cash gifts or gifts off the registry (usually the same registry from the shower, but where I'm from, the registry stuff is purchased already by the shower, so really all that's left is money)
Bachelorette Party - some people do this as a combo lingerie party, so people usually bring lingerie for the bride.
Now, it's really NEVER supposed to be stuff for the bride - like makeup. Is it too late to change your pinterest to link to the stuff you actually want off your registry? Because I think it's slightly inappropriate to register for something personal like that - something that has nothing at all to do with the wedding or a marriage.
You can certainly do a theme shower if you want. But in my experience, people a) give gifts at both (I don't understand why you would only do one??) and b) shower gifts are whatever the giver wants which a lot of times is also off your registry. Most of my shower gifts were registry items. I like the make up idea. Who doesn't want new make up! And is definitely buy you a new eyeshadow or something then also get you and your new husband a gift for your home.
And for the record - I always bring a gift to both. The price of the gift depends on two things - how close I am to the bride/couple and how much I assume they spent. For the shower, I usually spend around $50-75 for friends (less if they're at home, more if they're at a restaurant and there's a meal provided) and around $100-200 for really close friends. I get a gift off the registry - this is for bridal and baby showers. For weddings, I usually give $200 as a couple in cash/check or $300 if I'm very close to the couple. Weddings and showers in NY are expensive though, which is where I'm from.
Around here, you get two gifts.
For the shower, the bride either gets a fun item from her registry (e.g. a picture frame, a vase) rather than something practical, or she gets her boxed gift.
For the wedding, depending on what was gifted during the shower, she gets either the practical gift (e.g. dishes, towels) or cash.
Since you want stuff from your registry, I would keep the spa day theme or whatever, but get rid of your makeup registry right now. If your regular registry information is already available, I'm pretty sure they'll shop from there.
@LadyElva: I'm seriously kind of regretting having one now. It's been so much stress. I think I will just change it to a normal one, too much explaining with the theme.
I always buy for both the shower and the wedding.
In my experience, the bridal shower is where the bride receives gifts that she and her fiance registered for, typically items for their home (toasters, towels, sheets, kitchen gadgets, etc).
Then usually at the wedding people bring cards, monetary gifts, and gift cards.
So I think at the bridal shower, the gift is usually from that 1 singular woman (or a few if they pitch in for a larger gift) and at the wedding the couple (or family) provide some type of monetary gift.
Of course, I've seen monetary gifts given at showers and material gifts given at weddings, too.
i think this is kind of a regional thing and maybe a generational thing too.
the gift registry is meant to be used for the both the shower and the wedding.
some people give a gift for the shower OR the wedding, not both (in my experience, this seemed to be more common with older guests).
some people give gifts at both.
at showers, some people like to give the bride something more for her (like, i received a body shop gift set and some cute pj's & undies from a few people).
i experienced all of the above with my shower and wedding.
what you're planning sounds fun, but not really like a shower, and personally, i wouldn't feel comfortable asking people to buy me makeup. as much as i love beauty products, for my shower i'd much rather receive practical items that we really need.
@itsashleyday: I can't figure out where your mom and aunt came up with that idea. Of course people CAN choose to skip buying a wedding gift if they've already given something at a shower (or even if they didn't), but most people DON'T. Most people I know give at both.
That said, I think you slightly misunderstood the idea behind the bridal shower. The gifts are "for the bride" in the sense that they are supposed to help her start out her married life. So usually, it's things from the registry, because those are usually kitchen items, linens, etc -- things she'll presumably need as a new wife. A lingerie shower is the same idea. Surely you're a sweet untouched virgin with nothing but white cotton panties >wink wink< A wardrobe of sexy unmentionables, like a set of pans, will serve you well in your new role.
So, it IS a little different that you registered for makeup. Some people might be confused and even put off by it. You can either leave it be and if people don't like it, they don't have to buy makeup; or you can close the Sephora registry and ask your MOH to let everyone know you have a different registry if they'd like to bring a gift. (By no means should you be the one talking to anybody about where to get gifts!) Regardless, relax and have fun. I'm guessing this is your first wedding (and hopefully last!) so you can be forgiven for not knowing every little thing!
@Daisy_Mae: thank you for your response! I get the idea for the bridal shower, I guess my thinking was that I personally wouldn't utilize the lingerie as a way to look good for FI, but I would use the make-up to do so. My thought process was that lingerie was interchangeable in that way because it made more sense for my relationship.
While I totally agree I shouldn't have to be corresponding with atendees for the party, I have a MOH who...isn't following through with her duties (huge point of stress and tension between my family and her because of it) and if i don't straighten things out they won't be at all.
But, I see where it doesn't make sense for others and that's why I've decided to just drop the theme altogether. :) thanks for y'alls inputs.
@itsashleyday: Actually, that can be considered a "bachelorette" type of party. We did the same for another girl's bachelorette party.
If I am invited to a bridal shower, that is where I bring the 'wedding gift'. I don't buy 2 separate gifts for the 2 events. I never have, and I have never been told to...until I joined the Bee and saw that I'm 'supposed' to bring 2 gifts. I still won't. The only exception is if I go to a lingerie shower....in that case, I will do a lingerie gift, and then send a separate wedding gift...if and only if I can afford it. I don't expect separate gifts from my guests, either. I actually think it's a bit ridiculous to send 2 gifts...or a regular shower gift AND money...even if people do it all the time. I just don't get it.
@itsashleyday: That's fine. Seriously though, try to have fun! I'm sorry this turned into such an ordeal, but don't let it get you down. And just think, you're in the home stretch!!
I usually give a gift off the registry to the shower, and a cheque to the wedding. I would never consider bridal shower gifts to be for the bride only, and think it was really weird to give makeup... but whatever.
The only reason I might give only one gift is I typically spend about $50 on the shower gift and $150 on the wedding gift. If I knew the couple was just starting out and had a $200 item on their registry they really wanted, I might get that and just give it at the shower. Or if I knew I couldn't make it to the wedding, I might give a slightly larger shower gift and no wedding gift.
I always bring a gift from the registry for the shower, and usually a check for the wedding. I think showing up to a wedding empty handed is kind of in poor taste.
Honestly though - I would probably be a little put off by a "makeup" themed shower. Typically it's gifts for the home, not specifically just for the bride. Around here lingerie parties and such are usually done for bachelorette parties.
You can still have the theme, I would just close the makeup reigstry and use your regular registry for people to buy gifts off of. We had one registry for everything, and a lot of people bought gifts off the registry for the shower, and then for the wedding. We received most of our wedding gifts before the wedding.
@Westwood: "Honestly though - I would probably be a little put off by a "makeup" themed shower. Typically it's gifts for the home, not specifically just for the bride. Around here lingerie parties and such are usually done for bachelorette parties."
+1 This seems like much more of a bachelorette party kind of thing.
I think it's cute you registered for make-up! I don't like lingerie showers. I've always felt they are invasive for both the bride and the giver. But that's just me.
Your make-up shower/bachelorette party is a different event than your wedding. People give gifts for both all the time.
What is your mom basing this on?
Maybe some of the confusion is because some of these ideas are regional.
I have several friends from the South and MIdwest who do just one gift, and that's given at the shower. They don't give a second gift for the wedding. It was surprising to me, but when I questioned them, they said that's how they've always been done where they are. They asked around from their friends and were told the same. Could be that your Mom has been told and done the same.
Themed showers are a relatively new thing, so the makeup deal is just another in a long line of them. I don't think it matters either way if that's what you'd like.
I'm in NJ and here in our circle, we always buy multiple shower gifts and give cash at the weddings. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.
btw...there are bridal showers and wedding showers....one is for the bride and is more personal, and the other is for the couple, but mostly are interchangeable these days.
I consider them two separate events and bring a gift to both. As do others in my region and in my circles.
@MRSsrm85: Ditto. In my area if you are invited to the bridal shower then you bring the wedding gift to the bridal shower. You don't bring an additional gift to the wedding as well.
But I agree with PPs that what you are describing sounds more like a bachelorette where you are requesting makeup in lieu of lingerie. Generally if there's a lingerie party the guests of the lingerie party will still purchase a separate wedding gift. However, don't be surprised if a few guests at the lingerie party show up without gifts, especially if you request makeup. I know it sounds odd but I feel more uncomfortable giving someone makeup than lingerie.
I voted other because in my area its typical to give a boxed gift at a shower and cash to a wedding. So if you had a separate registry for the shower then I wouldn't give you anything off your wedding registry, but I'd still be giving cash on the day.
We only give one gift here, unless there are multiple showers (kitchen, lingerie, etc.) You only bring a gift to the wedding if you didn't go/send one to the shower. And cash gifts are practically unheard of here.
Bridal shower = registry
Bachelorette party = lingerie, sex toys, perfume, etc...
I'm thinking that our guests will only get us either a shower gift or a wedding gift although I think it is suppose to be both.
I've never been under the impression if you bring a gift to a shower, you don't to the wedding. In my circle, you always bring gifts to both...
Where I'm from, you bring a physical gift to the shower and monetary gift and card to the wedding. We usually don't give gifts for the bachelorette party, the party is a gift from the bridesmaids.
I can't seem to get a clear answer on what the tradition is here. I've heard people bring gifts to both, but tend to spend less that way for each. So if you wanted to spend around $100 you might spend 50/50 on the shower vs wedding gift. I decided to have a 'stock the bar' bridal shower because I felt weird asking for gifts. Not that it's asking, but it's obviously implied with a bridal shower. Plus we are having a DW so I wasn't even going to register until people started asking me to.
Shower = things to help set up the home as a couple
Wedding = money and/or more of the same
Bachelorette = party time. Sometimes people do lingerie or naughty gifts here, butt not always.
According to traditional etiquette, you shouldn't register for things that don't "stand the test of time". So things like makeup (which I never hear of registering for) and electronics (outside of kitchen appliances) are out. Modern brides are starting to register for things like iHomes, etc, but I’m afraid makeup is out in left field.
You must log in to post.
Shop Now »