That must be tough, I cant imagine how id feel in that situation. How my fiance and I work it is when we get paid, he pays bills and whatevers left over he gives to me and I deal with the finances ( set aside money for groceries, gas, fun things, savings and things like that) and it actually works out really well. He has his own money but he only get a certian amount from each pay check. And keep the savings in a seperate account he cant touch? Say its for your daughters education and no money can go in and it can only come out.. Im just suggesting things here I dont know how it would work in your relationship cus its different than my own. His mom sounds like a big problem in your relationship, has he told her he cant support her as much as shes asking? that he has his own family to look out for? We've given my fiances mother money aswell but he put his foot down at one point which was a good thing. He took it strait out of my savings too the bugger -.- I was furious cus we had only been together a few months. But anyways I dont know what to say about the weight things.. he sounds like he has to hit rock bottom before he starts to change. Honestly you cant tell men anything, they have to learn it for themselves..Good luck hun I hope you get things straitend out!
This doesn't sound unfixable to me. You love him and he's a good father. Everything is just surface cracks.
Let's start with the illiteracy: You cannot teach him, or you can, but you'll be less effective than a trained teacher. Instead google "literacy classes for adults" and see what pops up in your city. There are charities that run programs for adults, so this need not be expensive.
Secondly the money. It seems to me that you badly need a budget, and perhaps for you to take control of the money until he learns to stick to it. His mother is in a bad situation as a disabled widow with two young children, so you need to make room for her in the budget, but make sure you only give her what she needs. Remind him, if need be that his primary responsibility is to you and your child.
Since you mention that in his culture women are in charge at home, it should not be impossible for you to demand full control of his income, at least for a while.
As for his eating habits, it's entirely possible that once he has taken charge of his literacy and you have a working budget in place, he'll stop comfort eating. So for now, my advice is to focus on his literacy and budgeting.
You shouldn't be marrying him.
You are only 24, and believe me, you may think that not being attracted to your FI doesn't matter, but one day it will. I've been there. I married my ex H when our sex life had virtually disappeared. 5 years down the line, I realised that I was too young to be in a sexless marriage. He wasn't willing to change, I had an affair and left. Don't underestimate how important sex is in a loving relationship. I know it is not the be all and end all, but it is important.
Regarding your daughter, you will be doing her more of a disservice by marrying someone you don't have a loving relationship with, with major cultural and financial problems. My parents got married because my mother was pregnant with my brother...they were very young, and there is rarely a day that goes by that I wish they hadn't got married. They were okay for only 9 years, and then followed 14 years of misery for all of us. My father was like your FI, he couldn't save money to save his life. It set us a very bad example and it never got any better.
You are am amazing mom to put your daughter first. So many people do not do that. I am sure you have tried, but I think you should start cooking healthy meals for the family and tell your husband that you guys aren't going to McDs because the health of the family is really important. I think if he lost the weight you might be more attracted to him. He sounds like a great man and father so hopefully the physical attraction can come back. That is doable. There are so many terrible men and fathers out there. I am glad you are choosing a good one!
Don't marry him because of your daughter. It's a lot of pressure to put on a child. Trust me when I say that it is better for a child to be supported by stable finances, good role models, and happy parents. A sexless marriage where you have to treat your husband like a child (controlling money so he doesn't spend it, worrying about what he eats, and teaching him to read) is not a happy marriage. And kids can absolutely tell. It will also be a model that your daughter will have as normal and acceptable. If she was 24 and had a child and boyfriend like that, what would you tell her to do?
I would leave. Being in an unhappy marriage will set a bad example for your daughter. You are young and still have plenty of time to be happy. If I were you, I would spend the next 2 months making plans-- find an apartment you can afford on your own and figure out what supports you will need. Meet with a lawyer or social worker about setting up child support. Then, after the holidays, say that you can't be in this relationship any more and leave. You want better for your daughter than to be stuck in an unhappy home.
BEst of luck!
I agree with @Tibbs: 100%. You don't want your daughter to learn about eating McD food. They also say that if you exercise together as a family it will be good too. Find some fun activities/games that you all enjoy! :) Best Wishes with everything.
Did he graduate high school? How did he do it with an elementary reading level?
You're not going to be doing your daughter any good by marrying him. He's irresponsible with money, leads a very unhealthy lifestyle, and is illiterate. It's going to be up to you alone to show your daughter how important it is to be educated, healthy, and financially responsible. Marrying her father is going to be counterproductive to that.
Also, what about your happiness? Can you live with a guy who hands his mother his money as soon as he gets it instead of putting it away for his own family? How about knowing that you will spend your life waiting for him to get diagnosed with diabetes or have a heart attack?
@Lo88: It is NEVER better for the parents to stay together simply for the sake of the child. If you wouldn't be marrying him if your daughter wasn't in the picture, then you really shouldn't be marrying him at all. Entering into a marriage with this man will cause resentment that will build, your daughter will see it, as children are more intuned to us then we think. You will no doubt end up divorcing him in the end anyways, please do not marry a man you don't actually want to marry. Let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him.
I don't think this is unfixable, but you are definitely on a precipice. I would sit down with him and tell him you love him but before you're married, you want to address some concerns. Then tell him about it all: the money, the literacy, the crappy eating, his mother; all of it. Do it gently and let him respond. Then lay out a plan to fix it and follow through!
That's if he wants to change. If he's defensive and uncooperative and doesn't want to change, then you have a different problem entirely and you should consider moving on.
Don't stay with him only for your daughter. The best thing for her is a happy home. I can say this from experience: my mother and father decided not to marry when she found out that she was pregnant. I was raised by my mother and saw my father every weekend. It was a little lonely sometimes but we were ultimately better off because Mom and Dad would not have had a happy marriage. At all. My mom is my hero. You can be your daughter's, too.
My opinion, as a person who grew up in a house where my parents SHOULD have divorced but never did, is that sometimes that situation can be worse on the child's psyche than their parents actually divorcing. The lack of love and affection my parents had for each other made it really hard for me to form lasting relationships growing up, and even now, after I've been with my husband 5 years, I still struggle with it from time to time. If you're not in love with this man, don't put your daughter through seeing a lack of love every day. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. You'll just be teaching your daughter to settle. I am luckily VERY happy with my husband, but it took a long time to get here and even now when I have feelings of love or closeness many times I shut down and become cold because I don't know how to deal with vulnerability.
I would postpone marrying him--for now. Talk to him about the problems that you have mentioned. Communication is so important in any relationship. As someone else mentioned, he should be taking adult literacy classes. If he's willing to work on fixing his problem, stay with him. Perhaps once those problem are fixed/being fixed your feelings will change.
If he doesn't work on his problems get out. Divorce may not be good for children, but parents that are together and unhappy is worse. You deserve to be with somebody that you love.
Does he recognize his problems with money and weight? If he recognizes them then i think it may be a matter of finding a solution to the problem. But if he doesn't even recognize that they are problems (especially the money) then It could be a real problem.
If you're looking for some perspective on divorce, let me tell you a bit about my family. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I have no memories of them together. They occasionally argued over things like scheduling, but they tried very hard to keep any negative feelings for each other away from me. My parents being split up is normal for me. It's never really been an issue other than hassle of scheduling. Many years after splitting with my mother, my father remarried because he got a woman pregnant. They stayed in a bad marriage for too long "for the sake of" my brother. When they eventually did divorce it was much harder on my brother than it ever was on me. And this is after their bad marriage already had my brother having problems.
So I guess my advice is, never marry for a kid. Never stay married for a kid. Because most likely you will actually be hurting this kid more than being honest that the relationship isn't working. However, if you think that you guys can work out some of your issues, then he sounds like he has a lot of good qualities.
Sorry I don't have better advise, but good luck!
This is not my advice to you, because I don't feel I am in any position to dispense advice since I don't know you... but this is just me saying what *I* would do for myself. I would stay with and marry and father of my children, if he's a good father to them. I know it's not what most people on this board would choose, but it's what I would personally do.
My mom did it for me. My parents are actually not remotely compatible in terms of lifestyle, personality, character, goals... they were young and passionately in love and were blind to each others' character flaws until after I was born, and then reality set in. My dad's not good with money, doesn't eat healthy or have a good lifesyle, not as ambitious or goal-driven as my mom, and is definitely FAR less attractive compared to my mom.My mom told me there was one point in my infancy when she considered leaving. I didn't find out any of this until I was much, MUCH older. But she said she decided to choose her children's happiness instead of her own. She wanted a complete home and family for me. He is a wonderful father, responsible, loving, warm, and actually my best friend. Maybe he's not the best husband for her, but he is an amazing dad for me. So she stayed. I had a wonderful childhood in a loving home and we continue to be a close-knit family now.
My parents still love each other. They're still best friends. There are always problems and fights, especially with their essential incompatibility, but all of us would do anything for each other because we're a family, in spite of all our flaws and failings. My mom really stuck with my dad through thick and thin and really took her vow of "till death do we part" seriously, because no matter how exasperated, infuriated or disappointed she is, at the end of the day she will always be there for him. And he would do the same for her.
So my mom stayed in her marriage for me. And I would do the same for my children.
Again... NOT saying this is what you should do, and this is not advice / suggestion to you at all! This is my own experience and story.
PS. my mom had to make a lot of compensations to make it work though... like she controls ALL their money (which is a source of tension sometimes because he doesn't get a say in the finances), she took over cooking in the household so he has to eat healthy meals now, she forces him to work out, etc etc...
It wasn't easy making it work all these years! But it works for them.
I would hesitate before making any generalizations about divorce effects on children. For example, my parents got divorced when I was 10, but they still have a great relationship, and my sisters and I are all honors students on our ways to getting college degrees. Our family is happy, even though it's nominally "broken" (though, I've seen a lot of families that aren't "broken" that are a hell of a lot worse than my "broken" one). And I think the best part of my parents' divorce was that my sisters and I actually got to see what a great, healthy marriage looks like because my mom had the opportunity to marry my wonderful step-father. Divorces that go badly have bad effects on children, but sometimes they need to happen and are honestly for the best. My sisters and I, for sure, would have some pretty messed up ideas about relationships if my parents had stayed together, but because they split up, we all got a shot at a better life with a better, happier family.
ETA: my parents get along better now, divorced, than they ever did while they were together. It took some time, but with some work, it happened.
If you are only marrying someone because you have a child, then you shouldn't be marrying them.
Period.
You will end up divorced. Better to just not go down that road.
I'm a lurker who made an account just to post on this. I am a child whose parents stayed together "for the kids." My parents are very different from each other, and they each have their own issues. They're not bad people separately, but they are not well suited for each other. It made my life absolutely miserable growing up. They both ended up bitter and angry, and as kids we absolutely felt it. I think on some level, perhaps even subconciously, my mother blamed me for her marriage. It made absolutely everybody in that household anxious, antisocial and emotionally distant from most people.
What should have been a stable loving family was very tense. There was a lot of yelling, and my mother made my dad feel insecure, which made him anxious and angry towards us. My mother felt trapped, and that made her angry towards everyone. I'm sure neither of them ever meant to take their relationship out on their kids, but staying in an unhealthy relationship for years warps your perceptions of what's normal. It took me many years before I left to realize that screaming at the drop of a hat and occasional violence was not "normal". I still sometimes catch myself reverting to their way of dealing with things.
Please, do not stay together "for the kids." Your kid deserves to grow up in a healthy, happy household where people do not resent one another, and she is not the reason you are forced to be with someone who doesn't fulfill you.
My fiance's parents probably should have divorced, but stayed together. Now that the kids are out of the house, they are doing a trial separation and are much happier. It's been very hard on the kids to be in that environment. So, staying together isn't necessarily better for the kids.
If you love him, none of these issues are unfixaeble, but if you don't love him, DON'T marry him for the sake of your daughter, it will not make her life better.
Personally, i'd draw up a budget and then take over the finances. Include his mum in this budget, but only what she NEEDS. Once you control the money, he can't go out and eat junk food, but make sure you talk to him about his eating habits and why they bother you. Start exercising as a family, go for a walk each day together, have him push her on the swing ect.
My FH also has trouble reading and spelling. He works in a feild where he doesn't really need to read or spell much, but it would be nice if he were able to read/spell a little better. He's not illiterate by any stretch, but he's a long way behind me, it's a disadvantage. As another PP said, have him take adult english classes.
These issues can all be fixed, but the deciding factor should be whether you love him and can see a happy future with him.
@Lo88: I would postpone marrying him until you get these issues sorted out. But please, please don't marry him because of your daughter.I'm going to answer out of personal experience because that's exactly why my dad stayed with my mom (because if me) and there have been so many times when I've resented him for it because it caused so many issues later. Two of the problems in their marriage are exactly what you mentioned: money and health. My dad can't let my mom handle the money because she spends it (put it this way. He gave her $200 for groceries once. Those groceries had to last us 2 weeks until his next check. What did she do? Bought a loaf of bread, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk, and then went to flea markets and yard sales and blew the rest of it. And that's just the tip of the iceburg). Now she resents him because she doesn't feel like she has equal footing in the marriage, and doesn't see it as my dad trying to be the responsible one. She also has family baggage that has affected us financially, from her crack-addict sister coming to live with us, to my thirty year old half brother never leaving, then bringing in this pregnant girl he knew for two weeks, to my half sister dumping her children on us, and MUCH more. And because she never put a stop to any of it, despite the financial and emotional problems it's caused, it's made me feel- again- like she's putting all of these people ahead of me. I get wanting to help family, but we've been taken advantage of, lied on, stolen from, and cheated by these people. She let them break us apart because she didn't have the balls to say no.
And she's a diabetic heart patient with high blood pressure, but hasn't made any sort of effort to quit smoking (and she is a chain smoker. Like three packs a day), exercise, or eat right, and honestly? It's made me resent her. When she passes, because it's getting to be just a matter of time if she doesn't change, I'm going to be pissed. Pissed because she wouldn't change her habits so she could see me graduate from college, or get married, or have children. Yes, I already know I'm going to blame her, because I already do.I feel like she values her unhealthy habits over me.
Also, I HATE the sense of guilt that comes from knowing I'm the only reason my parents have stayed together. I hate knowing that I'm the reason neither of them are happy because they're stuck in a loveless marriage. It sucks.
So I beg of you, I BEG you, for your daughter's sake, PLEASE do not marry this man until you get these issues sorted out! I'm not saying don't marry him, but you owe it to your daughter to keep her from heartache and resenting BOTH of you later.
If you're not happy in your relationship you shouldn't feel obligated to stay for your child, hun. My mother married my father at the age of 17, wanted to divorce him when she was 22, was spoken out of it by her father, gave birth to me when she was 26, and my brother when she was 29. She was very unhappy in her marriage to my father, but decided to stay with him for my brother and I. My mother and father used to fight when I was younger, and it wasn't nice for us kids. Their relationship was also very strained most of the time, with my father sleeping on the couch or falling asleep in front of the computer and my mother staying late at the office, sometimes sleeping there. When I was 10 years old my parents seperated, and at first I was very sad, but after a while I saw the change in my parents and saw how happy they were after the seperation. When I was 11 years old my mother met her current partner, and they have been together for 10 years, and he is like a father to me and I feel honoured to have him in my life. She loves him so much, and I get the warm fuzzies and happy tears when I see them together and see their love for each other. I am so happy that my mother divorced my father because all I really wanted as a child was to see her genuinely happy, and even though she put on a smile and pretended I could tell she wasn't happy. Your daughter will feel the same, she might be sad for a while, but she will want to see you happy. You also deserve happiness, and are deserving of your true love. Also, there are some horrible statistics out there, but these come from parents who don't deal with their seperation properly. If your child feels loved and valued by both of you, and if you make it work then your daughter will be happy :)
He did graduate high school. There was this class called Content Mastery..the students with learning disabilites (such as dyslexia) would go to a regular class, learn the lesson and get everything they needed, then go to the Content Mastery class for help. So basically he just got his school work "dumbed down" for him. English is was second language so he got a lot of help.
I agree that it would be counterproductive. But hopefully he will make the changes he needs to make..
Thank you SO much for you replies!!! I've definitely taken in what y'all are saying and I'm weighing out my options. I've been thinking long and hard all day.
I think a few of you misunderstood what I was saying. My daughter is not the ONLY reason I'm marrying him. There are so many good things about him...and I'm marrying him for those reasons too.
I want to point out that he DOES what to change. He loves to go for long jogs..he's just not consistent with it. And he tries to make healthy choices..and he'll be doing great for a few days, but then go right back to his old habits. He joined Weight Watchers with me over the summer. He was doing great..the first week he lost 12lbs, 2nd week he lost 7lbs..and he just kept pulling big numbers. But then we stopped going to the meetings, thinking we could do it on our own..and he just went downhill from there. He still wants to change though..he knows it's what he has to do to not end up like his parents. Also, this morning I asked him if he'd want to sign up for an adult reading class. He agreed without hesitation and he said that if he just learns how to read better he could do the career he really wanted in life. So we're definitely looking into that! As for the money..every week he says that he's going to pay what he needs to then give the money to me to hide from him. But he always finds it and spends it. I will set up a budget and have a chart of it, maybe that will help. I really don't know. But I agree with a previous poster, I shouldn't have to hide money from a grown man.
I never looked at it this way until someone pointed it out...but it really is like I'm marrying a child. He can't live a healthy lifestyle, doesn't know how to handle money and I have to teach him to read. In a husband I want a man that I can fully trust with everything. I want to feel SAFE and SECURE in all aspects of my marriage. I don't really feel that. There are also things I didn't mention like how his mom put his name under her credit card and she put him in debt $700. And of course she isn't going to pay it. He has perfect credit and then she did that. What mother does this to her child? She really is psycho. My whole family agrees...my mom hates the fact that I will be stuck with that lady as my MIL. Everyone knows she's just crazy.
I've talked to my mom about how I feel..she knows pretty much every detail about our relationship. She told me to do whatever makes me happy..but then she said that no man will ever love my daughter as much as her daddy does. My daughter is already an emotional kid..and I can't imagine how she will be if we separated. Awhile ago we were watching The Santa Clause..and the kid on the movie has divorcd parents. I didn't think she really understood what that meant but she said "I never want you and daddy to get a divorce." It's heartbreaking to think about :(. Right now we live in a nice house in a safe neighborhood. If we split up, my daughter would be bouncing back and forth between two small apartments because that'll probably be all we can afford when our checks are split up. I know that if we ever did break up, it would be civil. We've already talked about what would happen. We'd what to do what's easiest for our girl and I truly want my fiance to be happy.
I'm still just so confused. I know some of you are saying things like "it's not good for your child to see an unhappy marriage" but really, it's not that bad. We DO love each other a lot. We have fun as a family. He gives me daily back massages, foot rubs and kisses. My daughter sees love between us. But there is all that complicated underlying stuff. My parents were going to put the deposit on our wedding venue next month...so I feel like I have to make my decision very soon.
If I were you I would postpone your wedding until you have this figured out. I think having a wedding hanging over your head creates a fog of pressure that isn't going to help you navigate a difficult choice.
I don't know whether you should marry this man or not- that is your choice. The only thing I have to say is that it's unfair to you to be in a relationship that is less than what you deserve and it's a terrible example to set for your daughter and thus unfair to her. She can have a healthy relationship with her father even if he isn't living with her. Personally, I wouldn't end the relationship right now, but I would have a serious discussion about everything that's wrong - his mom having too much control over his life, his finances being terrible, his unhealthy eating habits, his illiteracy, etc. Bring to the table the solutions you have and tell him that the only way you're going to marry and the marriage will work is if you work on these problems. If he is willing to work on them, then perhaps the relationship is salvagable. But, I would never set an example for my daughter and marry a man who is less than I would want for her in the future.
@Lo88: you are already living together, there is no need to get married right away. wait until all of things that bother you get resolved. first of all, he needs to grow up. married or not, you are going to resent him for these things. he needs to learn how to read. he needs lose weight and start eating healthier. he needs to be more financially responsible. he needs to be a positive influence on his daughter.
I think a few of you misunderstood what I was saying. My daughter is not the ONLY reason I'm marrying him. based on your title, you are. you are already thinking divorce and you are not even married yet. that should be indication enough.
As for the money..every week he says that he's going to pay what he needs to then give the money to me to hide from him. But he always finds it and spends it. you need to put that money in a bank account that he cannot access. he won't be able to spend it then.
Right now we live in a nice house in a safe neighborhood. If we split up, my daughter would be bouncing back and forth between two small apartments. trust me, as a child, it's better to live in 2 small "happy" homes than 1 big "miserable" home.
@Lo88: As far as change, your FI is lazy and from a culture where females are in charge, right? Then he could be a more extereme version of FI. What we did when FI wasn't being so healthy is split up the labor where I do all of the shopping and cooking. He does the eating and paying (and a whole bunch of chores). My FI would happily grab breakfast tacos on his way to work, but would skip the drive through if I had stove cooked oatmeal ready (3 cups rolled oats, 3 cups water, 3 cups milk, 1 package of frozen fruit-- cook for about 20 minutes until most of the liquid is gone and then you and put it in the fridge and microwave it the next day. It makes 6 240 calorie servings). I started putting on oatmeal as I was doing dishes and microwaving it the next morning. He is thrilled and saves 400 calories and $5.
I have done the same thing with dinner. Lasanga>McDonalds. Lasanga takes 10 minutes to prep the night before and then you can throw it in the oven the next day. He'll save 500 calories and a ton of money. We do the same thing with jogging-- we go out of a jog.
While you may be able to fix the health side, money and family are two red flags. He needs to close his mom's credit card immediately. If she opens one again, he needs to report it as fraud. She is taking advantage of him. You, as a family, need to figure out a way to support her. If she can't support her monthly expenses, should you consider living together? Are their social service progams that can help out? Should his brothers start working? I think you should help out in a consistant way, but she should not be acting like this.
The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is to commit to your own happiness. Obviously make sure that your child is not neglected, has shelter and food and love and whatnot, but children internalize SO MUCH from how their parents live their own lives that you should not resign yourself to an unhappy marriage simply because you feel that your daughter should have married parents. Your happiness is extremely important to your child.
That's not to say that your relationship is doomed, but you're young and there's no reason for you to get married if you're equivocating right now. At the very least, get some serious couple's therapy before you consider marriage.
Good luck!
@Lo88: I still suggest you postpone your wedding. Things may be ok now, but that doesn't mean they always will. My parents were lovey dovey when they got married too, and look how that turned out. Again, I urge you for your daughter's sake to please please please postpone until everything is worked out!
Thanks ladies. I have read every single reply like 3 times over even if I didn't like the response haha...just trying to straighten everything out in my head.
We have decided to postpone the wedding. We didn't have an official date yet, but we wanted it to be this summer. But for now I refuse to talk about wedding details or even watch wedding shows on TLC haha. No more planning until we work on our issues....there is a good chance that there will never be a wedding.
@alabamabee369: But it doesn't sound as if there was any noticeable friction between your parents so that's why it worked out. You might have a different opinion if they were always screaming at each other, etc. like so many unhappy couples. I really think ity depends on so many factors that we really can't generalize.
I don't know what the right answer is for you and your fiance but as a child of divorce, I do know this, if you are going to seperate then younger is better! Friends who have parents divorce as teenagers or even adults seem to have a much harder time of it than young kids.
I also think a lot of the issues can be fixed. However, if you don't see him as a life partner and love him that way, all issues aside, don't marry him. There's nothing wrong with being in each other's lives and loving each other as friends (which is what your post makes it sound like). Or maybe wait a while and give it some more time. Best wishes.
Actually being in a home where parents are fighting or unhappy has a negative effect on kids. Kids who leave broken homes to move into a one parent stable home are generally happier/better adjusted because they are out of an emotionally difficult situation. If a kid has a loving parents and a stable home, even if they aren't together, generally that child will be fine. (We had to read all the studies about the effect of divorce on kids when I took family law in lawschool, It was fascinating,)
I'm not saying you shouldn't marry your FI, but having a child should have no bearing, whatsoever, on your decision. If a child has loving parents, and it sounds like yours does, she will be fine whether you are married, live together or are seperated.
It sounds like you have a lot of legitmate concerns about your FI. Perhaps you should consider this decision without factoring your child into the mix.
I wouldn't leave my ex because of our kids. In the end he left me (for a younger woman) and it really was the best thing for both the kids and me. He was such a terrible influence on my kids and I wish I would have had the courage to leave him. Now, 4 years later my kids are much happier and the positive influence of my fiance has done wonders for them.
Marrying your FI because of your daughter isn't a wise choice. What if you get married and are unable to work out your differences and end up getting divorced in 5 years? My ex was a man who didn't know how to handle money and no matter what I did he wouldn't change (and actually got worse in the 15 years we were together). Think long and hard before marrying this man.
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I'm very confused.
I'm 24, I've been with my fiance for 7 years and we have a 5-year-old daughter.
My fiance is a good man. He absolutely adores me, he is the BEST father I've ever seen, he works his ass off for his family and he just has the kindest heart. We don't fight often (& never in front of our daughter) but there are some issues in our realtionship.
He doesn't know how to manage money. I try to save but once he gets his hands on it, he blows it and it's gone. His mom is always asking for money..she knows the days he gets paid and she blows up his phone on pay day. She actually blows up his phone every day..she will call OVER AND OVER until someone answers. THere have been times that we took a 2 hour nap and wake up to "23 missed calls-Mom" no joke. And it's usually not anything important, just something like asking him to go to the grocery store for her. They are of a different culture and in his culture, the nem pretty much have to do everything their mom (or sister, if he had one) says. His dad died 7 years ago..and his mom is disabled (diabetes relatied issues) and she has two other sons, ages 13 and 8. So I do understand that she needs help sometimes..but I believe that she goes too far. She is a very demanding woman. And she lives with her sister so it's not like she's completely alone. Also, his little brothers are the most disrespectful kids I've ever met. They have behavorial issues and don't do well in school..they're just so rude. And I'm terrified that it will rub off onto my daughter. She looks up to them and I wish they'd set a better example. There are so many cutlural differences that I don't understand..but I'm not going to go into all that.
Our personalites are opposite too. We started dating when we were 17..back then all I cared about was that he was the star of the football team and he was sweet. I was so infatuated with him back then that I looked past all the differences. I'm known for my sense of humor...I laugh at everything and I'm always joking about stuff. My whole family is the same way. My fiance is SO serious. He doesn't get half of people's jokes and he doesn't laugh often. I was always in advanced english classes..I've always loved writing. My fiance is illiterate. He has the reading level of a 3rd grader. He struggles just trying to read our daughter a pre-school bedtime story. It's very sad to see and I didn't even know this until a few years into the relationship. I've tried to start from scratch and teach him to read and I think we've made some progress..but he's definitely not where he needs to be. I'm still working on this with him though. He has a good job where there isn't very much reading or writing required...but it still scares me for his future. There are also health issues. I've recently changed my lifestyle..started working our regularly and eating better and I've lost 62lbs. He won't jump on the band wagon with me. I'm not attracted to him anymore physically but that part isn't really a big deal to me. He's over 300lbs, he'll go to McDonald's and get 5 cheeseburgers and 2 large fries all for himself. It's so unhealthy and that's another thing that scares me. His dad died young from a heart attack...his mom is disabled because of diabetes related issues...shouldn't that scare him into getting healthy?! I want him to live a long life for our daughter. I've thought about leaving him at times.
Despite the negative things, there is also a lot of positive. He is my best friend and I DO love this man. However, if we didn't have a child I wouldn't be marrying him. That DOESN'T mean that our child is the only reason I'm marrying him. That's not true. There are many reasons I'm marrying him..he has a beautiful soul, he understands me, he's an amazing person. BUT, if we didn't have a kid I wouldn't put this much effort into making it work. I always Google "divorce effects on kids" and I've read some scary stastics. I don't want our girl to have to go through that..she would be absolutely heartbroken. She deserves the world, she deserves her parents together.
I just want some feedback and I'd like to know what other bee's would do in this situation. Please be kind!