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I'm scared bees. I'm getting married in less than 6 weeks and I'm seriously scared for FI to move in. I am an only child, opted for an apartment over a dorm in college, and have since only had two roommates, which both ended badly. Its not like we don't spend prolong periods together, we are usually together from Friday to Sunday night but then he goes home and I partake in my "secret single behavior." What I'm most worried about is we are going to get tired of each other, ok, I will get tired of him. That will then cue me being angry and snappy at him because I don't have my own space. We will be living in a one bedroom apartment for the first few months. Has anyone felt like this? Please tell me I'm not the only one!
I was worried about this when I moved in with FH, but it's not really as bad as you'd think. We had our periods of snappiness, but that was during the adjustment phase. Expect to have about a month of some mild tension as you two get used to being around each other 24/7...but I assure you, it's not that bad! You learn to live with the other person and love his/her little quirks.
@des_salazar: "I partake in my 'secret single behavior.' "
Whaaaaaaaaat is that?
make sure you schedule "me time"..and don't lose your time with the girls, and he shouldn't lose that time with the guys. It's really important. I had a hard time moving in with my FI away from my parents, but we've learned to give each other our own time when it's needed. Everything will work out.
I'm an only child. I had a much harder time adjusting to my first roommate than moving in with my fiance. With my first roommate, there was the awkwardness of sharing a space with someone I barely knew. I'd wake up in the morning and not know if I could go out into the main area in my pajamas, or if she had friends over. I didn't feel comfortable knocking on the bathroom door if I had to get in there, because I didn't know if it was my roommate or her boyfriend hogging it.
It's much more comfortable and laid back with my fiance. Then again, we indulge in all our previous "single" behaviors together and have a policy of only slight mocking allowed. ;)
ETA - to this day we still live in a 600 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment. It's more than enough space for us. It's the bedroom that's crucial; a studio would be too small.
I have been living with my fi for a year now...but before that i had 3 roommates that also ended badly...even one of them went to jail for assault on me...anyhoo i think it will be different with your fi...just have to remember you will need your own space just like he will need his.... have an extra bedroom if you can that way you can have a room where one or the other can escape to. my fi and i have a house and he works from home and soon i will be working from home full time but i have the "guest bedroom/My office" all to myself that he doesnt bother me in if i am in there with the door shut...unless of course if there is an emergency. We even have a chore chart that way we dont fight over who does what in the house (i clean the inside and he handles the outside and we switch off doing the dishes) Good luck to you!!!
I was worried about that when my husband and I bought a place together but you get used to it. It takes some adjustment, but you can do it! Make sure that you have your own private space to do your own alone time stuff.
PS - I'm an only child and lived in my own apartment during college. My husband slept over on the weekends though.
@JenniMichele: It's a line from sex and the city. Charlotte was talking about Trey moving out and how she can revert to staring at her pores in the mirror for an hour, Carrie liked to eat crackers with jelly over the sink while reading Vogue.
@lilyfaith: Maybe I'm making out to be worse than it is. I love spending time with him but I like having the apartment to myself. It is sure gonna take some adjusting.
I hated any roommates I had in college, so for the last 4 years I lived alone, and dreaded having to live with anyone else every again. Until I met my hubby, I couldn't wait to live with him! He had surgery which kept him home a little over two months, and I don't work, so we literally spent 24/7 together, and didn't get sick of each other. If you feel you want some space, you could always go to starbucks or on a walk or something. And I agree with lilyfaith, my hubby and I partake in all of our weird single person behaviors together. If I feel like stuffing my face with ice cream and watching a chick flick, he's right there with me.
FI/DH is so different from a roommate. I was honestly worried about this too. I loooooooooved living alone, and always had issues with roommates. But moving in with FI was way way easier than I thought it would be. I expected that I would spend at least a night or two a week hiding in my sewing room to get a little "alone time" but in a strange turn of events I actually can't get enough of hanging out with him! Not that we haven't had our little tiffs and adjustment period, but over all I'd say that living with him has been WAY better than I ever expected it to be.
Even though your going to move in together doesnt mean you will spend every second together, you still go out to work/school and still do separate things even when you are both home together. I doubt you will get tired of each other,
I think that is the hardest part for some people. I understand that your hesitent because you have always lived by yourself but you need to give it a try! It could be the best thing that has happened for the two of you! Yes your are going to fight and not have your own place to run to but that is what marriage is about to.. even when you fight you are with each other and have to sort things out together.
You just have to be patient with each other and communicate with things that bother you. The best advice that we were given from other married family members was the "It is not about you anymore" If you live by that, with the other person's feelings in mind and really both work together and are considerate to each other you will be fine. and you both have to have boundaries like @futrueharp mentioned. MY husband goes into the bedroom to study and i have to be respectful to not interrupt him!
@lilyfaith we tease that if we can live in our 700 sq ft apt together with one tv and one bathroom than we can def. make it! ;-)
You are soooo not alone! Not only am I an only child, I am much older than most of you guys & thus really set in my ways. I LOVE living alone. My prior relationship have been much shorter than this one.
Luckily, FH is very adaptable & by now (6 yrs), we are pretty used to each other. And my house is fairly large. We will have mutli dog issues, however. But, we know how to deal with it.
I work from my home office so I'll have plenty of alone time while FH is at work. I think the biggest thing we have going for us is time--we know each other pretty well now.
Living together is, for most couples, an adjustment. FI and I definitely had our fair share of fights--but, as I've said before, I think fighting (if it's the good fight) is actually a component of intimacy. And I have to say that teeny tiny apartments don't always help things in terms of tension, but it's temporary.
It's understandable to be nervous, but you know, you don't really have a choice but to jump in, get your feet wet, and remember that you took vows to love each-other and work through things together. Marriage isn't a statement of how glorious the two of you are together; it's more a statement that you will WORK--and work pretty darn HARD--to be glorious together. Part of that work and part of discovering each-other and loving each-other more deeply is living together. And while you'll probably have your spats, you'll also probably have your happiest moments too. The other thing about marriage is that as opposed to dating, which tends to be all about romance and grand gestures, marriage's charm is generally in the minutia of life. So living together also celebrates joy in the minutia as well.
And I said it once and I'll say it again: Don't go to bed angry. Ever.
I sympathize with your feelings. Although I've had generally good roommate experiences (one noteable exception was the girl who tricked me into paying more than my fair share of the rent--and she was a lawyer too!), I have *always* preferred living alone. I loved coming home to a quiet apartment with no one to answer to, no need to clean unless company was coming over, no need to get out of sweats and a t-shirt or even brush my hair! Moving in with my fiance was difficult, but the truth is, you can carve out personal space for yourself no matter how many people you live with. You have a one-bedroom, so you can retreat to the bedroom while he watches TV, or vice versa. I often read in bed while my fiance watches sports because I like my quiet time without the TV on. The hardest thing to get used to is the splitting of household chores. You will quickly learn who is neater than who and who cares more about the dirty dishes in the sink. :)
I was worried about this as well when I moved in with DH (then SO). I am an only child and had plenty of bad roommate experiences in college. One roommate got very offended that I needed my "own" time. However, when I moved into my then boyfriend's one bedroom apartment things worked out very well. It helped that I would get home from work before him and could spend some time reading or chilling by myself. Or he'd go to his hockey games that he plays in and I'd have time by myself. Now that we have a two bedroom apartment it feels like there's more room for us to spread out, yet we still choose to spend most of our time together. I think you'll be fine. There's a learning curve while you figure out who does what and your different habits. Just make sure you take time for yourself whether it's taking a relaxing bubble bath, a girl's night out, or whatever.
My FH really is adaptable & considerate. I have a thing about noise & I am a voracious reader. It really irritates me if the TV is on when I want to lie in bed quietly & read.
He got some TV ears. 
They work fine, btw.
Thank you all for the advise. I'm just really nervous. I have never lived with a boyfriend and it is just nervewracking! Hoping this all works out.
I am an only as well. College was torturous for me with roommates. I did not like sharing my space and the whole "girl time." FH has lived on his own for years. We both had some worries about losing autonomy and getting on each others nerves.
When we bought our house, it was important for us that we had "our own room." For him, he has a computer room (he is in IT) where his cords can run all over the floor and hang from the ceiling if he wants (I HATE cords!). I have a craft room where my sewing machine and other things are. We can go in the other person's room of course, but no grumbling about messes or how they are decorated/not decorated.
I think I'm the opposite of most people... I am looking forward to living with somebody! I had a twin sister growing up so we always shared a room. In college I always had roommates/housemates. Now I am living alone for the first time and it makes me very lonely :(
I was definitely worried about this when my fiancé and I moved in together. I lived alone and loved living alone, and was also worried about not being able to partake in my Secret Single Behavior. I also like BEING alone a lot of the time, and was worried that it would drive me crazy always having someone else around when it would seem weird to lock myself away in my room when I needed to be alone (as I had done when living with roommates in the past).
I’m sure that living with him took some getting used to, but now it is great. I don’t think of him as a roommate, and so I’ve come to feeling like I’m “alone” even when he is in the room, if that makes sense. After living together for a year in a 2-bedroom, 2-story house, we moved to a more expensive city and into a 1-bedroom apartment. I was worried about sharing such a small space all over again then, but once that happened it was fine too. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that we do have a bedroom that I can go in and shut the door if need be. I draw the line at sharing a studio.
I would say that once you do it, it will probably feel a lot better than you think. Good luck!
Um, should you be getting married if the thought of living together scares the lights out of you in case he discovers the 'real' you? Just a thought.
I was nervous about this too. DH and I 'practically' lived together the entire time we were dating before he moved in, but I was scared about losing all my privacy especially since we live in a 1 bedroom apartment. And on the nights he didn't stay over, I could call all the shots regarding what TV I watched, ate for dinner, etc.
I actually found that the opposite happened, now I really dislike being alone. Yes, we have rules that he's not allowed to enter the bedroom when I'm changing or come into the bathroom when I'm using it, but other than that I really don't need any privacy and want him to be around all the time. I love coming home from work and having him there waiting for me (that is actually very rare since he works late, but when it does happen it's awesome). Or coming home from a night out with friends and he's there all excited to hear how it was. Especially since we worked out all of the housework/errands issues, now it's just smooth sailing and waaay better than having a roomate!!! (coming from someone who spent all 4 years of college living in a suite with 3 other girls, one bathroom and always sharing a bedroom).
I too, LOVED living alone - I loved having everything be mine and I was the boss of it all! But moving in with DH was the best! It's so nice to have half the cooking/cleaning/laundry/groceries etc done for you! As long as you express your concerns and let him know if you need him out of the house for an afternoon I think you'll be fine!
also random but: my cousin got married and they lived separately for almost 3 years! totally weird... but whatever.
I think the first six months were the WORST for us. Huge fights over lightbulbs, laundry, cleaning- everything. Then- we (I) totally got over it- and he mostly acclimated. Now, when I'm alone in the house- I miss him. :)
I'm worried about this also. I have never lived with a boy or had a roommate before, so I don't know how I'm going to handle it. LOL! The good news is that I love beign with him so I assume it will just work out.
Just wanted to chime in as another only child. I had a hard time with my first roommate in college but we were in a teeny dorm with one room + bathroom and it was really stressful because she was a total slob and it made the room feel even smaller.
Moving in with my SO was easy peasy. As long as there are two separate places you can be inside the apartment (one of you in the bedroom and one out in the living room for ex.) you should be fine.
My SO likes to stay up really late and sleep in on the weekends, and I like to do the opposite. So I always have Saturday and Sunday mornings to myself, and he has those late night evenings to himself. It works out very well for us since we are both pretty independent.
@cherryshake: I never said I was worried he would discover the "real" me. I have been myself through the whole relationship but everyone has stuff they only do when they are alone.
Thanks everyone else. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one!!!
@des_salazar: I think you should clue your husband into your secret single behavior. It's a part of who you are, and that level of intimacy is great. And as with all things in relationships, this transition is all about communication - tell each other when you need alone time, stagger your schedules if necessary, and never stop cluing each other in to how you are dealing with the process. It'll be fine, I promise :-)
I loved living by myself, and to tell you the truth I think I still prefer it :P
My boy and I lived together for 1.5 years, though, before we got married.
I always liked living alone too. I had 2 roommates while in college, and neither eneded wel. So, when I bought my trailer, I was ecstatic to be on my own. But, after a while, I got pretty lonely. I didn't have any of my old friends in my college town and I was ALWAYS alone when I wasn't in class. I just didn't meet anyone I had anything in common with. I went to a small college and it reminded me so much of high school, where everyone already seemed to know someone else etc.
Anyway. I spent 2 years living by myself, and by the time FH moved in, I was so happy to have him around. We spent a good bit of time together anyway, and when he was on break from college he'd come over for a week at a time, so we were pretty used to each other.
We still have our alone time. Since I moved into a new town, I've met new people, I see more of my high school friends because I'm closer. I go hang out with them and FH hangs out with his friends. Plus, he usually works late, so I have plenty of time all day long to have alone time... Allright, I'm not that excited about alone time anymore, but FH and I do have a set day of the week to go do our own thing with friends...
There was a great thread a few months ago (I can't find it, but maybe some else can post it if they find it?) about the things we like to do when our fiances/boyfriends/husbands are out of town or out for the night. I was WONDERFUL and made me feel so much less alone for wanting "me" time. (My husband and I have lived together for 5+ years, and I CRAVE my time alone.) If you can find the post, I would highly recommend it.
In general, I think that you will find that you will get annoyed and that you do get snappy, but that you also really start looking forward to having a partner at home some nights. It's a balance, and one we all have to find.
Good Luck!!
@crayfish: We have discussed them, there is something different about eating a whole pint of ben & jerry's in your pjs while watching tv and telling someone about it. He is so great, he doesn't care if I do it but no one needs to see that!
I was nervous to about FI moving in. I love my own space and "me time". I was really worried for a while. He moved in on a Saturday and we got into our worst argument on Monday (wasn't that bad, but we rarely fight). I go to the gym when I get off most days and he works from home so he was really ready for me to get home that day and I was late. We talked about our schedules and agreed to meet in the middle. Haven't had any problems since. It gets easier and then you get to a point where you hate when he isn't there. Just make sure you take some time for yourself.
I am in a different boat I suppose. My partner & I lived together on & off for 2 years before we actually moved in together, so while we had an adjustment period, we also had down time where we went back to living seperately/LD where we could get back into our own 'groove.'
I always used to really really looked forward to living with my partner, and while there are definitely times that I wish I could 'go home' to my own place, I couldn't imagine living alone again.
I think having personal space & 'me time' are really important to not go completely batshit insane with each other. That's my biggest beef with our house right now, that I don't have my own 'room' (not a bedroom necessarily, but somewhere I can go hide if I need to).
I highly suggest sitting down together and doing a "roommate contract." It doesn't need to be super formal but I think it was the single best thing we did. We did one when we moved in together and it gave us a chance to talk in depth about chores, cleanliness, having guests visit, how often we wanted to see family, scheduling alone time, scheduling a date night, etc. Just talking about these things eased our transition greatly.
I second having an extra room if you possibly can. When we were looking for a new place to rent last summer having an extra bedroom one of his deal-breakers on the place and I wasn't sure...he was right!
We now have a tv room that is far enough from the living/dining room that I don't hear Dexter, movies and video games unless I want to. He can read while I watch tv. It's fantastic.
I also think that actually having a really clear discussion about chores and expectations is a really good idea. There have been issues, but we haven't had a major blow out about space, cleaning, etc. since we moved in together. Now...It hasn't been perfect, but this has really helped.
Got to love the "secret single behaviour". Any one else eat peanut butter from the jar?
@ArwenBride: Our plan is to move into a small house with at least two bedrooms as soon as we can but we will be relocating soon after the wedding and will be stuck in my little one bedroom until then. It will only be for a few months, but still. And yes, I eat peanut butter straight from the jar!
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