- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
… I’d like to borrow it, if I could. The new bottle of vodka’s in the high cabinet and I can’t seem to reach it.
Yes, I get it – you’re better than me.
— You like every person you meet, no matter what. Even the ones who are REALLY sweaty for no particular reason (hey, they might have a gland disorder – who are you to judge?!)
— Nothing anyone does annoys you. Not even that coworker who insists on scratching her nails across a chalkboard every half hour. (Maybe she can’t afford a nail file – you don’t know her personal situation!)
— Your grammar be perfect and your speling are excellent.
— Your relationship is better than mine. Your relationship is so strong, in fact, that you didn’t bat an eye when your SO went on a romantic weekend getaway with his female best friend who happens to be a stripper with a brand new boob job. Hello, it’s called TRUST! Try it some time!
— You are more mature than me. So mature, in fact, that you have never once felt the cold touch of jealousy or the hot touch of anger. Dude, high school was YEARS ago. If you’re mature enough to get married, then you should be mature enough to never get mad or jealous for any reason, ever.
— You have never been mean. Ever. Okay, maybe you made fun of a girl’s bad haircut behind her back one time … but there’s no proof and you’ll deny it til the day you die.
— You don’t waste a single second worrying about what other people think. Hell yeah that was you that farted. Farting is natural, folks! Maybe if I didn’t waste so much time worrying about what other people think and trying to impress them and fit in, I could be as cool as you, fartin’ in business meetings and whatnot.
— You never sweat the small stuff – and I mean NEVER. The big picture is all you see. And you sneer at the rest of us ninnies who get worked up over trivialities like, say, someone making an offhand remark that offends us, or someone asking a really f*cking stupid question. You don’t think it’s worth getting worked up over; therefore, we are WRONG for getting worked up over it. And probably immature. Heck, we probably shouldn’t even be getting married.
— You loved every minute of every wedding you’ve ever been to. Even the ones that were unholy disorganized disasters worthy of their own TV special. I mean, how would you feel if someone somewhere anonymously said something bad about YOUR wedding that you’d never find out about? YOU’D PROBABLY FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN.
— You were a cooler bride than me because you didn’t expect your bridesmaids to do anything but show up in the dress you picked. I’m upset about not getting a bachelorette party? Hello, BRIDEZILLA much?!
— You don’t judge anyone, ever, for any reason. I mean, except for doing any of the things listed above, but that’s, like, totally different. Because the people who do the things above are weak, shallow, childish and cruel. They make you sad, and you need to tell them that. HOW ELSE WILL THEY KNOW THEY’VE DISAPPOINTED YOU?
Hy-poc-ri-sy (noun): The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform.
Example, being a judgmental B towards someone because you think they were being a judgmental B.
Look, I know it’s election season and tempers are running high, but for the love of all that’s holy, can we all just leave our high horses in the stable? Just for a little while, just to see what happens?? Take a break from willfully misunderstanding what people are trying to say just so you can get offended by it. Take a break from moralizing all over people who say or do something that you find disagreeable. And seriously, take a break from starting sentences with “you seem like the kind of person who … [insert painfully smug, self-righteous insult here].” There’s a right way and a wrong way to disagree with someone, and I’m pretty sure judging someone’s character to be flawed is the wrong way. This is Weddingbee, not Weddinghornet.