Post # 1
So our 2nd and last IVF failed today. We are devestated and are just trying to pick up the emotional pieces. We know there are many other options for us to have kids, but I cant help but feel sad for not being able to combine our genetic material. I like the idea of being able to look at DD or DS and say “You got that from my Father or that is def something your Mother would do”
DH is also into geneology and the idea of not passing all that family history makes me sad.
So please tell me your experiences.
If you are adopted, how do you feel about not sharing genetics? Do you feel connected to your parents family history?
If you have adopted or used donor egg, how does it feel not sharing genetics? Not seeing family members in your child?
Sorry if these questions are offensive, I’m just in so much pain and trying to make sense of it all.
Post # 3
First of all, I am so very sorry.
I’m adopted, most people don’t even believe it because I look so much like my mother and I’m exactly like my father personality wise.
If you want to adopt you need to make sure you will be comfortable with your child most likely eventually wanting to know about their birth family – not because you weren’t a wonderful parent, because they want to know where they come from.
My biologcial father just located me this past fathers day, and I’m 25. I had zero want to have a relationship with him, and it’s stayed that way. But it was interesting to see who brought me into this world.
My parents raised me, they are my parents – they are my family and they only parents that will ever matter to me. History wise, to me, it’s my history, these people are my family. I don’t even think about the fact that I am adopted unless it’s brought up by someone else. You adopt a child, you are their world, you are their parents.
Post # 4
@KoiKove: I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
While I’m a bio kid, I grew up surrounded by adoption. My mother was adopted by my grandparents as an infant and has, in fact, never met or heard from her bio family. She has no interest in them, and truly feels that my grandparents were (they’ve both passed away) her REAL parents. She talks about my great grandparents and tells me stories about our family history without ever considering that they’re not ~genetically~ related to her. For what it’s worth, her dad was adopted, too. So, from the position of your hypothetical grandchild or great grandchild, I encourage you to embrace adoption.
The only issues about genetics come from the fact that my mom doesn’t know her biological family’s history on disease. She has some health problems that would be nice to know if they’re spontaneous or hereditary. However, I think if you choose to adopt you may be able to get that sort of information from the birth parents, preemtively.
Best wishes! Family is family, regardless of genetics. I truly, truly believe this.
Post # 5
@KoiKove: why can’t you use a surrogate to carry your egg an his sperm?
Honestly, I don’t think it’s a big deal to adopt, I think it’s wonderful to give children in need a loving home. My daughter is not adopted, but I don’t see much of any family member in her, she’s unique! People say she looks like me..but more people say she looks like my SO who isn’t even her dad. EVERYONE tells us they look identical. Don’t worry about not passing on genetics.
Post # 6
@Ninteenthchance: 1- surrogacy is very expensive. IVF, $15,000-$20,00 plus the surrogates fees which can be tens of thousands more. 2- I’m 43 and my eggs are old. That is why we are having this problem. We are mostly likely going to look into donor egg.
Post # 7
@KoiKove: My parents were older than you when they adopted me. Dad is 71 next year. 🙂
Post # 8
@KoiKove: I don’t have a lot of advice, but just wanted to say that my SIL is going through this exact same heartbreaking process. In her situation, her egg quality is the issue, and they are currently trying to make the hard choice of egg donation (and the price tag that comes with it) and adoption.
In time, genetic history won’t matter, because we’ll be able to sequence their own genes, and have the linkage knowledge necessary to determine risk independent of familial history. It’s right on the horizon, and is already possible for some diseases (BRCA mutations being a good example of that). So, I think genetic history will become less and less important in the near term future. Whether you choose adoption or egg donation is just a personal choice, I think.
Post # 9
@KoiKove: if it were me I would shoot for adoption. If I had gone through all IVF I would just want to have a child that was already born and ready for me to raise them and love them. I would just explore all the options. Both are expensive and big decisions 🙂 you’ll make the right one though!
Post # 10
@crayfish: I’m not really worried about genetic health history. Quite frankly, my family has a host of non-desirable health problems–if I was chosing a donor egg, I’m not sure I would pick me LOL. I’m talking about more quirky, personal qualities that get passed down. Talkative like your grandmother or your smile is like Great Aunts. Those kinds of things.
I had a friend whos brother was adopted. The entire family was super skinny. He was 150lbs+ overweight and flaming red hair. And he always didnt feel like he fit in.
Post # 11
@prettyinpink11: I know egg donation is expensive, but I want to experience pregnancy and breast feeding. Also, I love my husband and all his quirks and mannerisms. I want to pass that along if I can.
Post # 12
I was adopted 43 years ago, and to this day, have never wanted to “meet” my birth mother.
I wish there was more medical history on record, as it is quite annoying to have to say, oh I don’t know if there is any “history” of diabetes, heart disease etc. so i just say that I am adopted and starting from scratch !!!!!
There were times when I would have like to have the background as my youngest son has Down’s Syndrome and my middle son was diagnosed with Leukaemia when he was 10 (now 18, fit and healthy). As DS is only genetic in one type of Trisomy 21, and my son not testing for that, wasn’t the need to follow the lineage. With my son with cancer, I suppose if the thought of additional bone marrow doners, maybe, but thankfully we didn’t need to go down that path.
Now my parents that adopted me, are/were magical, sadly I lost my mum 2 years ago, and too this day my heart yearns to hear her voice. When we did discuss my adoption, I was always told that I was chosen, so that always made me feel extra special.
My daughter on the other hand, had genetic testing (due to medical issues with her son), and her genology has shown as indigineous….As my dh is of welsh/english decent, then it is from me…..so I have found out a little more about myself 🙂
I hope this helps a little, and good luck with what ever you decide.
Post # 13
@nedaussie: You have an interesting perspective. Now that you have kids and you can see things in them that come from you or your spouse, does that make you sad that you didnt have that with your parents? Does their family history feel like your family history?
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I like the idea of being able to look at DD or DS and say “You got that from my Father or that is def something your Mother would do” – I was a stepmom for 6 years to my beautiful stepdaughter and she definitely picked up behaviors and phrases from me over the years! Even though we didn’t share any genetics, she would do or say something exactly the way I would and I would be so tickled and proud of her for it.
DH is also into geneology and the idea of not passing all that family history makes me sad. This is an easy one. Most studies indicate that anywhere from 25-50% of men are raising children that are not genetically theirs. If you consider that was probably still going on in the past then many geneology charts are wrong (or you just accept that adopted children are equal to biological children on geneology charts.) This is one I had to wrap my head around because my FI was adopted by his stepfather and my FI is adament that I take his last name which is his adoptive father’s name.
Post # 16
I have a good friend who is adopted. He loves his family, and he definitely sees his parents and his brother as his REAL family. His mom was always open with him about the fact that he is adopted, and offered as much or as little information about his biological parents as he cared to have.
He feels like he will want to have his own children someday because at family reunions he is missing a few of the trademark physical characteristics that other men in his family share (he said he wants the belly pooch and receeding hairline!). In all, he feels like his parents are his parents and that it was always meant to be that way.
A former coworker adopted her son as well, and people are always commenting about how he looks just like his father and acts just like his mother haha! She explained adoption to him from a very young age as well… things like “We adoped the dog because we love him and he’s a part of our family, just like you!” and telling him that Superman was adopted by his Earth parents, etc… in a context that a young child would understand. It was fine and good until he decided that if Superman were adopted and he could fly, well HE could fly because he was adopted as well- so he put on his Superman pajamas and jumped off of something and of course couldn’t fly and broke his arm instead.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find a way to have the family you want to have 🙂