Post # 1
Well, I really debated but went ahead with getting married friday. I know what a wonderful man I married. He is kind, sweet, dotes on me and is my best friend. We have shared similar paths and really appreciate where we are now. It was mostly a magical day. His favorite cousin came to witness and he called his sister last minute and they came too. So were were surrounded by those who were happy for us and wished us well. That part of the day was wonderful.
The night before we got married I got my feelings hurt because he said if he’d known his son had a swim meet that weekend he’d have made the appointment for getting married another weekend. He drove off(which he has never done) and would not answer his phone or texts. Turns out he was fighting with his son and his son said some really hateful things to him. And his son said he liked how things were better when he had his Dad to himself the previous year. I was super upset at now husband because he didn’t take 30 seconds to call and let me know we’d be okay and he would be back.
So after we got married his daugter called and told him he should not have married me until he pretty much had her permission. She said he needed to work things out with HER first. And that he was putting me first(and I have no idea why she thinks this…he ditches me like a hot potato whenever one of his kids call). She also said he was “throwing his life away” by marrying me and that she would NEVER accept me. Then she topped it off by not answering his “I love you” and telling him she would not be talking to him. The best he did was telling her he wanted her to respect his choices. I’d have liked him to say her saying awful things about me was totally unacceptable. He did the best he could though and he is in therapy over all this stuff his ex did to him and his grown kids still do.
Then the rest of my weekend after getting married was spent going to his son’s swim meets….this same son who was still angry. Which mean I had to see his horribly mean ex twice that weekend. Was I wrong to want at least a couple ex free days….or angry kids free days?
I’ve gone to most every swim meet and function. And now I don’t feel like I can even spend time around his son for fear of him hurling more “I want my Dad to myself” crap. I spend one week living with new husband and he still spends the other week in his old hometown with his son until he graduates this year. I did visit but now this feels awkward. And new husband just says “give it time” for him to work on it? Any thoughts? I’m really hurt by this. We try to include his son but unless it is something HE wants to do he refuses….and I’ve spent tons of time going to his functions but he refuses to go to any of my kids functions. Even though they have to his. How best to handle all this and still get to see my husband?
Post # 3
Oh, and I forgot to mention that he got a phone call today from his ex’s sister. The time I met her she was really nice to me and told me to “keep my chin up” concerning her sister. She knows how abusive her sister is and even took our part after her sister, my husband’s ex, went crazy on us at the hospital when their first grandbaby was born.
She did congratulate him on our getting married but said she worried we had rushed in…we dated a year. And she wonders if we shouldn’t have waited until the girls were okay with it?!!!! Really? I mean the girsl are all grown and frankly pretty dysfunctional due to the envirmonment they were raised in. So if we’d waited until the girls were okay with it we’d never have gotten married. And why do we need their permission. I feel really badly they can’t just accept us. His one daughter on the up side was wonderful to me the day we got married. I’m hoping the others will someday decide to at least be civil.
Post # 4
You married a guy with kids, you went into this knowing he had kids, and now you have to learn to mutually deal with each other. I do think getting married without his children there set off a bad start, because they were in his life before you, and you ARE in fact the interloper. That is what happens when you join a relationship with someone who has partially grown kids. You get the package deal. I think you and your husband need to have a talk and work out between the two of you how you want things to work. And then yall need talk to the kids, and collectivly figure out how you are going to work things out.
Post # 6
I think the best thing in this situation is not engaging with behavior of these kids, a lot of this may not even have anything to do with you and more to with their parents separation.
I think you and your husband should provide a united front, and certain things your husband should demand from his kids. However it might be beneficial to let him have some alone time with his kids and not always go to all the events. From what you said I’m assuming this kid is a teenager and I know they can be insufferable sometimes. You don’t have love them the same way your husbands does, but try to understand where he is coming from, he sounds like he is struggling to keep a relationship with his kids, and I think you should do everything in your power to facilitate that.
He should also set some grounds rules and have some expectation of his kids behavior, he should have consequences for them. It would be better if his ex was on his side, but if she isn’t he should still follow through with whatever punishment he decides for their bad behavior. Once the realize Dad isn’t playing they might be more apt to accept what he says. Sometimes Parents feel a lot of guilt and it causes them to lose some of their authority over their chidlren in those situations. Your Husband should develop a game plan for dealing with them, and if at all possible attending family couseling to work out some of the issues. Good Luck!
Post # 7
Keep in mind that while for you and your husband one year was enough to get to know eachother and fall in love, it’s not the same for his kids. They’ve only had a year to meet you and now they know that you will be around forever. It’s a big adjustment no matter how old the kids are.
My dad came really close to marrying a woman I hated, if she had ever expected my sisters and I to just be quite instead of complaining to OUR dad I would have been pissed. He is your husband but he is no less their dad and they get to say what they want to him about their relationship. Yeah, he should have stood up for you, but just remember it’s a huge change for for them to deal with especially if they don’t think they had enough time to deal with it.
Post # 8
So he didn’t tell his kids he was marrying you? If I was the daughter I would have been upset too.
You need to understand that you married someone with kids. It’s not easy regardless of how old or young they are. You need to take a step back and accept that you may not always be his number one priority
Post # 9
I agree with everyone else. You married a man with kids. The kids were the only ones with no choice in this. He is their father. So, yes, he is going to drop you like a “hot potato” anytime they come calling. That is what a parent does for their child. I can guarantee if you ever did have kids with him, you would expect him to treat yours the same.
I would be so mad if my parents got married and didn’t even tell me or involve me. It would make me sad. I am sure they are just feeling resentful about that, and probably also because they’ve had their dad to themselves so long.
Post # 10
Yeah, he had kids first. He’s always going to have them and love them. They have needs of him, and sometimes he needs to spend some alone time with his children as they try to figure out how the world works.
Just try to be patient with this new dynamic and not make your husband feel too guilty for loving his children and wanting to do right by them. Do tell him how you feel about spending time with him on your wedding week, or how you can proactively adjust yourselves to meet certain relationship goals, but don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong because he’s doing the best he can with a difficult sitation.
Post # 11
I agree with what pp said, but I just wanted to add that if you feel like he isn’t paying as much attention to your kids as you are to his, that’s a totally valid thing to bring up to him. I couldn’t tell if you meant your husband or his son in that last bit there.
If it’s your husband, then maybe he is just so involved with his own children that he doesn’t realize that you feel like he isn’t making as much of an effort as you are.
Post # 12
Did the two of you discuss how his children feel about your and your relationship and how they would react to the two of you getting married? Did you consider inviting them to their father’s wedding? Have you engaged yourself with the children or stayed distant? Did the two of you discuss what you would say to the kids if they felt uncomfortable with the marriage or how you could be a better step parent? Or did you just assume it would all work out?
Post # 13
His kids are always going to be a priority. That will not change, no matter what else is going on in life. You presumably knew this going in. So you can either be a positive, non resentful person who works towards a happy blended family, or you can continue to begrudgingly attend swim meets while the resentment builds on all sides. Your choice.
Post # 14
I can understand feeling some resentment and feeling like you are 2nd best. I went through this with a friend for a long time. Her bf was always putting his kids first and she couldn’t handle not being number 1 in his life. As a stepchild and a stepmother…. I would be LIVID if my father got married and I was not there. Especially if it was to some woman I barely knew. Please try to look at it from the kid’s POV as well. I can understand wanting to spend time with your new husband, but you might as well get used to the fact that his children will always come first and their needs will always come first. Try to make the best of the situation.
Post # 15
Honestly, I think you should have waited until the kids were comfortable with it. You are joining their family, not just marrying your husband. If you knew you guys were meant to be together then waiting a couple of years until things are less awkward with his kids would have been best. At the end of the day they have a right to their feelings about nobody talking to them about this big change. Put yourself in their shoes.
Post # 16
Wait a minute, did you guys get married without telling his kids? If my mother did that, her new husband would be on my shit list for eternity. That is SO disrespectful to his children. Even if they were aware of your plans, they obviously have an issue with you so your husband should have dealt with that a long time ago. Those are his kids. You’re never going to be more important than they are. The sooner you realize that, the easier your life will be.
You said that your feelings were hurt after he said he would have rescheduled had he known about the swim meet. Why? You’re complaining about wanting “ex free days” so wouldn’t rescheduling have been better for everyone? As for your husband driving off, the guy obviously has some maturity issues. You don’t just drive away from your problems, especially the night before you’re supposed to get married.
My mother could very well remarry someday and you bet your ass it will be someone I like and respect. If I have ANY issues with the man, I will not hesitate to voice my concerns. She’s my mother and one of the most important people in the world to me. If I thought she was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t let her make it. Maybe that’s selfish of me but I know her better than any man that comes along. I also know with complete and utter certainty that if I had a problem with someone she was dating, she would reevaluate her relationship.