Post # 1
Even technologically impossible ones!
I would start by adding a feature to Facebook that would allow me to block people temporarily, just until a major life event is over. I had a Facebook friend at one point who had been a totally awesome and hilarious presence on my news feed, right up until she got engaged and was planning a wedding on a short timeline. Suddenly, she became every stereotype of the tactless annoying bride-to-be. EVERY status update was about the wedding, complaining about this and that issue, talking about registries and showers and gifts, harassing for RSVPs, the whole nine yards. And then she got married, and lo and behold she was completely back to normal. I wish I could have just told Facebook to hide her from my feed until her wedding was over. Same with those occasional annoying pregnant people who post nothing but Too Much Information pregnancy chat — I’d love to be able to automatically hide them until the baby is born, and then have them magically reappear. That would be great!
What changes would you make if you ruled the social media world?
Post # 2
iarebridezilla: I would love an “attention whore” button on facebook. So like a “like” button, you could push it when someone posts a status just for attention.
A dislike button just doesn’t seem like it would satisfy me enough.
Post # 3
I would like to be able to filter posts on Facebook. I really really don’t want to read about your baby’s poop and I DGAF that your kid shit in the corner like a dog while trying to be potty trained. But I don’t want to block them because I still like to read about other things in their life and see the baby pictures. I just don’t care to know about their bodily functions.
Post # 4
iarebridezilla: as an example, my absolutely stunning cousin posted a status yesterday that said “contrary to popular belief, I still blush when people tell me im beautiful because I genuinely don’t believe it.” ummmmm yes you do. You just want people to comment and say “you are beatiful! so shhh!!!” or whatever else. She is also that person that will say “ugh! my gut is so out of control today!” and she has no gut! like not even close. Or she will post vague statuses like “hurting so bad…” and then everyone is all “omg what’s wrong?!”
Post # 5
stardustintheeyes: ha! It would certainly make people think hard before they posted anything!
I also wish I could give Facebook elaborate instructions on what kinds of photos should never show up in my news feed. Like pictures of kids with food all over them — I love looking at pictures of people’s kids, but I don’t want to see them with spaghetti sauce clumps in their hair. That makes me feel physically ill.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
iarebridezilla: Can I get a Drama Queen Equalizer? Like those who annoy stardustintheeyes:, I have a few cousins who always do that on-again, off-again thing with their boyfriends ( though I guess one of them is married to that guy now, but I digress). They were always posting things about how, “I can’t believe you would hurt me like this.” (I-hate-you type posts) and then the next week they would be all, “I love my schmoopy schmooperson! He is just the snuggliest, schmoopiest, lovey guy ever!!!” (I-love-you type posts).
I want Facebook the even those suckers out to, “Less than thrilled, today.” (I-hate-you) and “Feeling thrilled, today.” (I-love-you).
Post # 7
stardustintheeyes: Yeah, behavior like that is the reason I don’t have facebook. I might consider getting one if there was a STFU feature.
I’d like all social media to be strictly enforced to be only available to people 18 and over. Teens+social media=disaster. Most adults don’t know how to act on the internet, and kids just run wild.
Post # 8
Okay, I’m going to route this away from the negativity and say that a feature I would love would be one that involves “learning how to help” about issues that I care about on my news feed or on Twitter. Not just related articles, but “how to get involved” information.
Post # 9
LIE DETECTION! Since all my friends on the verge of divorce happen to be married to the man of their dreams according to their posts and my friends who are planning a bankruptcy are posting pictures of their “dream vacation and living the life”… BEEEE-ATCHES PLEASE!
Post # 11
geneva2: that’s a great idea!! Like if every cute picture of a puppy or a cat had some discreet little “donate to help rescue animals here” button somewhere in the vicinity. I bet they’d get a ton of donations 🙂
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
Ooooh! And a Passive-Aggressive Post Corrector, please!
It will change that passive agressive, “I just wish you would talk to me. All I want to do is love you.” (Inspired by a real post) into >>> “KAREN SMITH, I just wish you would talk to me. All I want to do is love you.” and it would tag Karen Smith. Because what good are these whiny posts unless you tell that person how you are feeling?
This would of course require Facebook to be psychic about who you are whining about that particular day. I forsee it backfiring like auto-tagging in photos. (“That’s not grandma, that’s Willy Nelson!”)
Post # 13
stardustintheeyes: yesssssssssss omg my best friend of 12 years IS THIS PERSON. i love her so much, and i don’t really hate on her for it ( i just giggle about it and poke a little fun at her updates when i chat with my sis, who has known her just as long and gets her) but dear jesus yes. everytime anyone else has a big life event, she always has to make it about her. oh, your uncle died? she posts a status asking for prayers for her friend, tags you, hashtag #prayers. aw, you’re engaged!!! she posts a status tagging you and congratulating her sister from another mister on the beauty of love!! #sohappyforyall
holy shit you’re getting married today!?!?! I GET TO POST ANOTHER STATUS ON MY PAGE ABOUT YOU THAT IS REALLY SO I CAN GET LIKES YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
and also i wish there was a sanctimommy button. like, i can tag your status as sanctimommyous for doing things like:
-telling me i don’t know what tired is because i don’t have kids
-telling me i don’t know what love is because i don’t have kids
-being the martyr when you don’t have to be (“omg i never get to go out!! even though i could because people ask me and i can afford childcare but i choose not to. there’s a difference but you’ll never hear me say it, because i’m a MOM!!”)
-mommyjacking: person posts about something totally innocent, and a helpful but know it all sanctimommy blows up your comments and makes it somehow about their baby, leaving you with the need for another feature–the wtf button.
i also wish there was a red pen feature, where i could go in and correct the grammatical, spelling, and syntax/composition errors that my friends insist on using.
Post # 14
I wish you could anonymously comment on statuses on FB. Sometimes I just want to tell people what an idiot they’re being, without them getting mad at me personally. Haha. Cowardly of me, but oh well!
It would also be amazing if there was a way to be able to block seeing certain kinds of posts. I absolutely hate it when people share pictures or videos of animal or child abuse. Just sharing a picture/video and claiming you hate that sort of stuff is not going to stop it from happening, so why share it?
Post # 15
catpeaches: That’s an option I believe.