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There are a million etiquette rules you learn once you start wedding planning. Who's supposed to pay for what parts of the wedding, what colors guests are supposed to wear, the list goes on. There are even inter-wedding etiquette rules, like you shouldn't get married in the same month as your friend, or share any wedding details like their venue or dress. It can get exasperating and totally frustrating! If you could get rid of any "rule," which would it be and why?
I'll go first: I would get rid of the sometime hypersensitivity to "stealing someone's thunder." I do not think it is poor etiquette to get engaged in the same month as a friend or sibling, for example, or to announce you are pregnant near the time of their engagement or wedding (so long as you do it nicely). I don't think anyone gets a monopoly on joy and you can't control when life happens for you! (However, if you and your sibling got engaged at the same time, it would be poor etiquette to plan the weddings for the same month if you expect financial contributions from your parents.)
That's my two cents. What do you think? Which etiquette rule do you want to see go by the wayside?
I've read in a lot of places that having a cash bar is practically a wedding sin. Well with our huge families (two sets of step-famillies!) we have a guest list of over 350, and that was already pared down, there's no way we could serve free alcohol all evening to our party crowd. I personally would rather have everyone I love there (and sadly make them pay for their own drinks, which they do expect anyways as that is common practice in N. Ontario) then to leave out people because I can't afford their bar tab. Silly etiquette!
@ miss peony - really? it's common practice in N. Ontario? I'm in South Western Ontario - Windsor actually, and it's not common down here at all (or in the Tillsonburg area where I have been to several weddings). P.S. - isn't there already an actual BEE - Mrs. Peony?
I agree with Chelseamorning on the etiquette of getting engaged etc near the same time as someone else in your life. As they say - you get a day - not a week, not a month, not a year - a day.
I think the one that I threw out the window was the recieving line. With such a limited time to take pictures after the wedding, I decided to forgo this tradition and go from table to table at the reception.
I want to scratch the whole you-can't-invite-someone-to-the-shower-unless-they're-invited-to-the-wedding thing! I can see how it makes sense, but when the FMIL has a list of a dozen girlfriends she wants to invite to the wedding a shower would such a great compromise! (I have yet to find a way around this one so any suggestions would definitely be appreciated.)
Not to mention I REALLY don't want to ask anyone to give me TWO presents! I'm having a hard time even registering for the wedding!
@caitlanc: I think it's okay if your FMIL wants to invite her girlfriends to your shower. (Unless she is pushing to invite them to the wedding too?) Those people are far enough removed that they probably know they are not invited to the wedding. If they are good girlfriends of hers, then you should ask her to make it really clear to them that it's a shower-only invite too. Shower but not wedding invites are more common for situations like coworkers or really small destination weddings too, so this isn't unheard of. She probably is excited about welcoming a new daughter to her family and wants to celebrate with her girlfriends too!
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I agree about the monopoly on joy! I understand that it can be a little disheartening to brides the first time they hear about someone else's news, but my advice is to try to be happy for the other person & just wait it out before getting upset. In a few days or weeks, you'll realize that they aren't stealing any of your thunder and that there is enough happiness to go around!
I think that the etiquette rule that should be tossed out is that the bride's parents pay for the wedding. Nowadays, there are so many different circumstances that come into effect, so I don't think that the rule should be so straightforward. (I know that many families break this "etiquette rule" but I am in a situation where my FI's parents think my parents should pay for the wedding... thankfully my parents are beyond generous, but it would be much easier if they didn't have this mindset! Finances aren't the problem- they are simply going by what they think is traditional!)
in Emily Post's wedding etiquette book, she says its inappropriate to write "adults only reception"..but it seems just writing the 2 parents on the envelope never gets the point across! i will be following her guidelines though.
@chelseamorning: She wanted to invite them to the wedding. We haven't even started discussing shower stuff yet. I just thought it would be a fun way to party with them (these ladies are a hoot) without adding to the wedding guest list. I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks!
Good question! I would agree with the adult reception thing. It can be hard to get some things across to people when there are so many things you aren't supposed to write on invites. I have all those details on the website, but I know people won't look there.
@kpenn -Yeah we're getting married in Temiskaming Shores (between North Bay & Timmins) and pretty much no one has an open bar up there! Since moving to Hamilton (S. Ontario) we've been introduced to this must-be-open bar concept. So strange! :) We joke that it's because Northern Ontario-ians drink so much no one could afford a wedding with over 10 guests if it was open.
Also I didn't know there was an actual Mrs. Peony....hmm maybe I should change?
I think it would be to relax on the purpose of some of this stuff. For example, I can understand bad etiquette being trying to take the spotlight off the bride. Or inviting someone to the ceremony but not the reception. These are things that will hurt feelings.
But if someone is wearing a simple dress that isn't an attention getter, who cares if it's white or ivory? And what's the big deal about putting "adults only" on an invitation? Even if someone gets hurt feelings by not having the kids invited, they will be just as hurt reading "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" on the envelope, as they will reading "adult only reception" on the invitation.
Etiquette is meant to establish decorum so that people don't get embarrassed or hurt feelings, but in a gracious way. Instead, many people use etiquette as a weapon to put down others. If someone knew etiquette and didn't follow it, they are considered rude. (Is it possible they just don't have much money? Or proper etiquette wasn't logistically possible?) If they didn't know etiquette they are often considered ignorant, or misjudged that they probably did know better. All of that is bad etiquette, IMO.
Lol, Tanya, you are talking meta-etiquette! The etiquette of etiquette. Those are some great insights you had, especially about people getting bent out of shape over practically nothing. A little understanding, civility, and benefit of the doubt goes a long way.
Invitation etiquette drives me nuts, tranditional wording, contemporary wording, the need to have this word here, and that word there. Ughhhhhhh, makes me crazy :)
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In addition to Tanya's great points, I think it's also important to remember that some of the things that get thrown around as "correct etiquette" are not actually etiquette rules. For example, it is not against the rules of etiquette to serve an all-vegetarian reception, or throw a party with no alcohol, but sometimes people will try to bully couples into changing their choices by claiming it's "rude" or "incorrect" to do it the way the couple wants. So don't believe everything people tell you about etiquette!
My least favorite etiquette rule? The "only engraved or individually hand-written invitations are acceptable" rule (as seen in Miss Manners' wedding book). Come on now. Is it really "incorrect" to spend less than $10 per invitation? And don't even get me started on the insane idea that people should sit down and hand-write 150 invitations to a large wedding just to be "correct" in Miss Manners' eyes. Are there actually people out there who are going to be offended by a flat-print invitation?
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Yay Tanya! Couldn't have said it better myself.
I also agree with miss peony on the whole open bar is a must or no alcohol etiquette rule. Where I grew up -- Wisconsin -- where people have huge families that drink like fish, many people would have to cut family (where many feelings would be hurt), put up with most of their guests leaving a dry reception in order to buy their drinks at the bar (and I admit, I'd be among the first to get the heck out of a dry reception. Sober baby boomers dancing = awkward), or take out a second mortgage to pay for an open bar.
Even Miss Manners wouldn't find these options appealing. A cash bar is no biggie if it's what your guests are used to. And if my family is there, there are so many people buying rounds you still need to make an effort to pay for your drinks.
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It sounds like I'm a gift grabber but I wish it was ok to put something about your registry (or lack of) in with the invite. I don't mean something big or rude (in the "buy us this but NOT this" sense) but just a note or slip of paper saying "Your presence is the best gift, but if you feel lead to give please consider...". I only say this because I don't want to make a wedding website just to have our registry stuff on it (we have no need for a website) but some people don't talk to our parents, and we don't have a bridal party, so it's going to be hard for people to know where we are registered (we don't even want to register but have been told we must).
I'd also like to get rid of the inner envelope all together - I think it's a waste of paper but that's just my opinion. :)
Things That I Would Do (if there were not etiquette gods that would strike me down)
-Adults Only Reception on invite
-Invites with computer printed addresses and not hand calligraphy
-No using presents until after the wedding (I NEED TO MAKE MARGARITAS to get me thru DIY days and I cannot use my fancy new blender. Sigh)
-My wedding is close to yours and I was engaged first but it doesn't matter because in the end we will all be happily married. (i.e. happiness monopoly would be eradicated.)
-Favors: serious waste of time and resources
-Not inviting people I don't like (Yeah well cousin so and so is so sweet and fun to be around but dear Lord if you invite her you have to invite cranky aunt whoever and she is a B!)
-Your registry should include a variety of prices: If I want a thousand 20 dollar items then so be it. I don't want to register for a $$$ item just because i need registry variety
-and my newest etiquette pet peeve is kindly listening to the advice of divorced people about their weddings. Um hello obviously things didn't work out so well for you so keep your karma away. (I have a cousin on her 3rd marriage - she is driving me batty. I think she just keeps getting married because she likes wedding planning)
I want to get rid of the "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Theirlastname" rule. I hate having to address a married couple by the husband's name, as if the wife is just an afterthought. I'm actually bucking that and writing both names in on the envelopes.
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Bwahhaha. Looking at everyone's entries, I'm not going to offer up any new etiquette rules to throw out the window, but I will note which ones already listed that I am not following:
We're breaking many, many "etiquette rules" and we could care less. The only rules we're concerned with are those that will make our guests more comfortable. :)
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Honestly, there are so many awkward family situations that things like who gives the bride away, who stands in the receiving line, who pays for X, Y and Z, that are pegged toward traditional family structure have become irrelevant for a lot of people.
I'm glad to see so many bees on here that are not afraid to do their own thing. It has definitely let me see that in 99/100 cases you can get away with what you want and are comfortable with and not have many people notice/care that your flaunted etiquette or tradition. Thanks for the courage and inspiration! :)
Well, it may just be etiquette in general- as opposed to wedding etiquette, but I would love to not have to be polite with rude guests.
When they ask if they can bring their kid/friend/dog/etc. I'd love to just be able to say, "NO! And it was rude of you to even ask!" Instead of, "Oh, I wish we could accomodate you, but unfortunately our venue doesn't have room for your kid/friend/dog/etc."
I hate not being able to include registry info with the invites. As a guest, if I have the info I can just point and click online and be done with the gift. Instead we have to do this coy little dance where we put the wedding website in the invite, and then put the registry info on the website, as if that really made any difference.
I would get rid of them all! :) I know we are breaking a ton of etiquette rules (partial cash bar, no Mr. & Mrs on our invitations for our parents, etc), but I really don't care. A lot of the rules I didn't know about until I became addicted to wedding websites and blogs. I don't think a lot of people who have not gotten married are aware of all these rules, at least not the people I'm inviting! Not to say that they are trashy people, I think its important to cater to your guests. As others have stated, cash bars are the norm in some parts of the country. Might not meet etiquette, but that's what people are used to.
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I should have mentioned -- we're having a full open bar for all six hours of our reception (it was my fiance's #1 priority).
But I hate when people use rules of etiquette to make brides feel bad about not having things they simply can't afford.
Speaking of which, here's another 'rule' I can do without: all OOT guests should be invited to the rehersal dinner. For many weddings nearly every guest is OOT, and to invite them all would be like having two receptions. That's just silly.
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laural - you crack me up with wanting to use your Margarita maker!
I would get ride of the Mr. & Mrs. hisfirstname theirlastname thing too, amysue... I hate that. Most the time I'm friends with the female anyway and I feel funny inviting her like that... oh well.
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I'm having a hard time finding a rule on this board that we're following...
et-i-quette [et-i-kit, -ket]
–noun
1. conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.
2. a prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.
If no one follows the rule, and common usage changes, then the etiquette can change. We must change convention girls!!
Totally going to buck the hand-calligraphered rule...it's not entirely clear to me why this is a matter of etiquette in the first place. I can see it being bad etiquette not to write the name of the recipient at all, but who cares if it was done by hand or a printer? Maybe it's just out-dated given that new technology makes it easy to personalize printed invitations?
I also had no idea that a receiving line was a matter of etiquette. I'm planning on one b/c I think it makes practical sense for us, but why is it rude to talk to people individually instead? I don't get it at all.
And seriously, it's bad etiquette to get pregnant or engaged within a month of someone else's wedding? That doesn't even seem logical! I can see its being rude to stand up, ask the band to quiet down, and announce said news during the reception...but otherwise I think its far more rude for a bride to demand that all her family and friends halt their lives for x period of time surrounding her wedding.
I do understand some of the rules including some that are listed above, and I also understand that they might not apply in all situations. But many of the rules that people say are etiquette just seem like a way of normalizing things rather than having anything to do with making guests feel more welcome...which strikes me as the most important factor in deciding what to do.
I agree with what Melissa B & Mighty Sapphire said! I think "etiquette" is really what you make it, or what others deem is appropriate. The wedding industry plays on our emotions and makes us think that our guests will look down on us if we don't do this or that, or word somethng this way or that way, and its so easy to fall into because our wedding is our opprotunity to impress our friends & family and show them a good time. Plus there are sooo many "etiquette" trends that are outdated and old fashioned back when women were married off. I will admit I still fall victim to following etiquette, but only sometimes 
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I second the notion that you should be able to put registry information on your invitations. Maybe not on the invite itself, but on the reception card or supplemental info (like hotel blocks, etc) card. I still wouldn't do it, since so many people think it's "tacky".... but I personally think it's helpful. It's not asking for a gift. People don't have to use that information. It's not like you're writing "Please bring a gift from Macy's or Crate & Barrel, or you'll be turned away at the door." You're offering a helpful tip for the guests who do want to get you something (and most people will do that).
I would completely get rid of the "rule" about registry information! And we didn't follow it anyway. Like a few of you, I'm quite happy when the bride includes registry information and doesn't make me search for it - I think it's just respectful of my time. Although I do think that the registry cards the stores give you just look tacky. We had a matching insert printed.
And regardless of the conventional etiquette, I feel like I did it to be polite. My mom is a busy lady, and when we talked about it she had less than no desire to be the person in charge of the "word of mouth" on the registry information. I thought that given that, it would be more rude of me to ensure that she got dozens of phone calls asking her where we were registered. I have seen several people get all bent out of shape about this issue, but I agree with marquisemiss - a nicely printed registry card is a helpful tip for the guest - no different than a map, instructions, and hotel information. People can ignore the registry card if they like, just as they can book a room at a completely different hotel.
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LOL!!! Laurel and roseychicklet I swear we should hang out!!
I would like to do away with hand caligraphy (printed mine), no 'adult reception' on invitations (i had to create an entire website just to emphasize the adult only reception), and, like roseychicklet, I'd like to just give people honest answers: well Sally, since we just found each other on facebook after 15 years, I didnt think you would be so offended that I did not invite you to my wedding....
And can we get rid of all the white dresses too? I look rather crappy in white...sure do wish my granny would be ok with something red...
I consider myself fairly traditional and think some of the "old " etiquette rules are nice, but really, all of this etiquette stuff is just too much work and I'll probably throw a few things out the window! Like hand-writing all the addresses for the invitations...I'm sooo running those bad boys through the printer). I wish we could have a cash bar (it would save us A LOT of money...we both have large families...and they can all do some serious damage at the bar
) but my FI is adament about having an open bar. And once we have our shower, if we really NEED to use something we registered for, I'd really like to be able to use it.
I am totally writing where the registry can be found, too bad for Miss Manners. We have a ton of people coming from across the country who are probably dying to by us tons of farm animal shaped candle holders or something. They must be stopped!
I ditto the etiquette rule that all OOT guests have to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. We're having a destination wedding and my FI's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner. There is no way I would expect them to pay for all OOT guests. I actually had a Aunt call my mom and ask what the deal was with any "family get togethers..." then she went on to say "oh well in my family, everyone went to the rehearsal dinner and we did a luncheon and this and that..." Well, she came from money and we don't have that! Boy, some people have the audicity! Actually, this is the same Aunt who joked at my cousin's wedding for registering from Target. I actually wouldn't mind registering at Target, but because of my Aunt's comments, I'm hesitant...is it really that bad to register at Target or is she just a snob? Geesh!
@missalisa---no, it's not bad to register at Target! I hear though that they are real bears when it comes to returning gifts. If you don't have the gift receipt, you're probably stuck with the present. Many people have decided to go with Bed Bath and Beyond or other big-box stores like that because they have better return policies than Target.
We are throwing "etiquette" out the window in the following areas (all invite-related; I designed them myself--I am quite the rebel, and I do not care!! ):
I think inner envelopes are absolutely wasteful :( I know people work hard on their invites, but there has to be a more eco-friendly way to protect them in the mail.
@missalise- NO! it's not wrong to register at Target. They really do have some nice stuff. I registered there and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Personally, I hate when people register at the pricey stores. Not all guests are made of money. If you're going to throw a bunch of high priced items on a registry then also make sure to put lower priced items on there as well.
My FMIL likes to follow traditional etiiquettes. A lot of the time I just have to be firm on my decisions so she doesn't try to change them.
I feel like it's your wedding *and your finance* and while it's nice to get listen and get advice from family & friends, it's really what you two want to do... etiquette or not!
Woops! I actually did put "Adult Reception" on my invites. So I guess that would be the one etiquette I would have gotten rid of!
I also think that the invitation is extremely wasteful. Spending so much money on something that your guests are all going to throw away anyway.
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