Post # 1
Hi Bees – there’s this woman I work with who recently met a guy. She seems to really like him. She said that he told her that if a woman he was dating didn’t make a certain amount of money, he would leave her. I kept my mouth shut, but was thinking how callous this sounded.
I asked my husband what he thought about this, and he agreed with the guy! He said, “It’s not the 1950’s anymore. The amount of money a woman makes is important.” This bothers me since there was a time when I didn’t make very much money at all while I was working in retail. I met him when I was working in my current job, making an ok amount of money. What bothers me is that he would have most likely ended the relationship if we had started dating during my stint in retail.
I understand money is important, as without it, you essentially cannot survive. But I feel as if it is harsh to dump someone if they don’t make a specified amount of money.
Any thoughts/comments on this?
Post # 3
It totally depends on what you mean by make enough money. I mean I would never leave my FH if he didn’t make a certain amount. However, if it was he just stopped working, and hung out all day playing video games just because he wanted to be lazy and a mooch, that is a completely different story.
Post # 4
I agree with your viewpoint. If a person just quits a job to sit around all day, then that is one thing. But if you did your best to find a good job and what you currently have isn’t paying enough, there is not much else you can do but to keep looking.
Post # 5
I agree with divergirl. As long as my husband is trying to contribute to the family, it doesn’t really matter what he makes as long as we are both employed but if he sat around all day doing nothing, would put a ton of stress on the relationship.
Post # 6
@SM1982: Yes that is what I meant, even if you’re not working there are ways to contribute to the household. For example, having a stay at home parent, FH and i have talked about either of us being in either role (working or not). There’s a difference when there is one person blatenly abusing or taking advantage of the other and not being an equal or contributing at all.
Post # 7
I make about half what my BF does, but I wouldn’t leave him if he made less. We would just have to adjust how we live. I know that I couldn’t support us both, but then we would turn to our parents for help.
Eventually I would leave someone who was not proactive in finding work. It would get too stressful.
Post # 8
I have no specific dollar amount in mind, but if my guy wasn’t making a competitive salary I would be upset. I put in 100% at any job I do and I fully expect the same of my partner. If they were just scraping by with the minimum at their job and making a base salary years after entering the field we would have to have a serious talk.
However the boy makes zero money at the moment because his job is to work on his baseball career. Its starting to get old..
Post # 9
I agree. FI and I each make very little money per year. We NEED each others’ incomes, so if one of us did not work, we would be in serious trouble. So, in that sense, no he doesn’t need to make a ton of money, but we both have to work.
Post # 10
I think it is more about plan than balance sheet. If my FI decided that his life’s passion was pursuing a career in something making less money than he is now and we’d be okay on that lower salary, that is fine. Simply not working/having no motivation = not okay. He feels the same. He wouldn’t be okay with a stay at home wife because he thinks that we should be partners in contributing financially to the marriage (and I agree… could never be a stay at home mom… wayyyy to impatient). That being said, I’m a lawyer right now and I made almost double what he did last year. But he is fully supportive of my transitioning to a lower paying job I”ll like better even if that means cutting my salary drastically (once again… so long as it wouldn’t put us in a bad place financially)
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park
Definitely not. I met my husband while he was in school, and completely dirt poor. I was making good money (for a beginner graphic designer) and supported him through graduation. Now he’s out and makes over twice my salary! So yeah, I don’t think I’d ever put a requirement on income as you never know what will happen. I think he may have been generalizing a bit, equating income with financial independence. I never want to rely solely on my husband, and if there’s ever a time I need to (say, with newborn children) I’d like to provide for the family through housekeeping and raising children. That’s a lotta work too!
Post # 12
I’m definitely going to make significantly more than my darling FI. I would never leave him because of that, though! I do expect him to contribute, and if he was laid off or lost his job, I would expect him to find a new one as soon as possible. It’s one thing to not be in a high-paying career, and another to be lazy. I wouldn’t leave him over it, though, unless it got to be a serious issue and we had children to feed or something!
Post # 13
I agree with all your responses.
I am in the process of trying to get approval to work from home a few days a week. I asked a long time ago and got a “no”. I am going to try again…
The good thing with this is I can live with my DH and only drive to the office two days a week keeping my current salary. It is extremely difficult to find a job in his area. And any jobs that are available pay much less than what I am making now. Unfortunately my boss keeps canceling our meeting and has yet to reschedule with me…
So basically I am grateful that I have a job, as there are many unemployed people. I just hope that something works out soon so I can live with my DH!
He makes a very good salary for his career and his job is very stable, so him moving to my area is out of the question. Many people have asked me if this was an option.
Post # 14
I agree with the other ladies who say that equal contribution in a relationship is important, whether it’s monetary or not.
Having said that, my partner doesn’t make very much money at her current job, but there is a lot of opportunity for growth and she’s currently working towards licensure in her field. While she may not earn as much as some people, she’s doing what she really loves and not only that, but she’s really making a difference. Unfortunately, those types of jobs don’t tend to pay well. Would I ever tell her that she didn’t make enough money or leave her because of it? Absolutely no way, no how.
Post # 15
I’m not sure if it’s callous–it’s probably callous in the way it was stated, but I wonder if what they’re communicating is not specifically that a woman makes a huge sum of money (although I actually think it’s okay to demand that if you are being honest and you want a specific lifestyle for yourselves and your family), but rather that she have aspiration and passion.
No, I don’t think it’s right to denigrate housewives and it’s shallow to expect a specific dollar amount, but come on–no one wants someone who just hangs around. I think perhaps what the guy might be saying (or at least how I choose to interpret it( is more that a paycheck reflects a person is functional and understands the value of work. I don’t think that a high salary needs to be a requirement in being passionate and hard-working–I’m a teacher, FI’s a teacher, my sister is a public defender, and we can all attest to that!–but perhaps what they mean is simply they want a woman who’s got some type of career.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t say that I have a set dollar amount but I don’t want to date someone that doesn’t make enough money to support himself….unless there are valid reasons for it. The way I see it…and the way my FI sees it, is that if he can support himself and I can support myself…then we should be golden when we get married. I am 34 and he is 42 so we aren’t exactly new to the career world so it would be weird to try and date someone my age that couldn’t afford to support themselves. My FI prefers that I be a stay at home mom but we compromised and decided on the 1st year for each child. I can’t imagine being dependent on FI financially forever…probably b/c I have been on my own for so long. Who knows…once I get married and settled in, I may enjoy not working =)