Post # 1
No joke, FMIL said this to us. FH and I have considered eloping the past few days when we realized after months of venue-searching, time is running out before December and we cannot find a place or idea for a small wedding that fits in our budget. We’re still looking, I mentioned to my family I really wanted to elope originally and they didn’t care. My mother told me she’d like to go as a witness since she lives near us. This I wouldn’t mind, but having FH’s family of 6 drive 8 hours to be there… is kind of defeating the purpose!
Right now I’m just feeling trapped into possibly doing a wedding to host these people out of good manners when I just want to share the moment with my future husband!
I feel I am a bad person today and should be touched by them saying they are going to be there no matter what… but honeslty I am just super annoyed. FH’s family has not offered to help with a thing financially and yet has insisted FH invite extended fam he doesn’t care about/extra people my family can’t afford to invite.
(P.S. I think this post may be fueled by PMS … even so… urgh! lol)
Post # 3
But won’t they be royally pissed if they find out your mother was there and they weren’t allowed to be there?
Post # 4
I really don’t see the difference of what his mother said and your mother saying she’s like to go as a witness. They’d both like to be there. You can still “elope” in a way but only have immediate families? Just have the ceremony and go out to dinner or something?
Post # 5
I would stick to your guns, and just do what you want. But, I wouldn’t have your mom be witness if you aren’t going to let his parents come. I think you should do it just you 2 (unless you need witnesses, then do friends) and tell the parents afterwards.
Post # 6
@SuperKate: That was the plan with the smaller wedding originally. We have a 5,000 dollar budget to work with and still can’t find way to do the ceremony in the area and go out to eat with all the people FH’s family said must attend (over 50 altogether)
Post # 7
If one mom is invited the others parents should be too. That’s a no brainer. You can just tell your FMIL that only her and her husband can come, no one else. That’s what we did!
Post # 8
If they want to drive there, what’s the problem? I think I am missing something?
If your parents are there, his parents should be there too. I think it’s still eloping if just you and the parents are there.
Post # 9
I agree with the PPs in that you can’t really allow your mom to be there but not his. You can still elope with just your immeadiate families (parents and siblings only) or just both sets of parents.
Also – I can understand why both of your immeadiate families want to be there. I would be very hurt if one of my siblings got married or a future child got married and I wasn’t able to be a part of it.
Post # 10
I’m not talking about 50 people, what about just the parents? Or maybe add the siblings? That would be doable.
You can tell your FMIL either just parents/siblings can come or we’re eloping on our own.
Post # 11
I really don’t want any of my family to be there… so nix the mom idea I guess…. right now I dont care if we just get someone off the street.
Post # 12
I’d say either both sets of parents or neither. When my husband and I eloped, I wanted my Mom there but he didn’t want his, so we invited neither. I don’t have kids, but if I found out that my son and his new wife eloped and her mother was there but I wasn’t, I’d be deeply hurt.
Post # 13
When you elope it is for you. My personal feelings are that 1) Eloping is totally selfish because no matter what someone is going to get hurt by not being invited, and you go into eloping knowing that you will hurt people 2) Eloping is so much more practical than having a wedding. A wedding is more about the guests in making sure they have a good time and spending time with family. Eloping is more romantic and a serious money saver and you have money for house, honeymoon etc which maybe you have to give up for your family if you have a wedding. Also, I so get why people DO elope and I don’t think its a bad thing at all. I’m just saying I think the focus of eloping is more self-centered and the focus of a wedding (should be) about the guests that are attending.
Having said all that, I think you are trying to have your cake and eat it too… you really can’t cut your FI family out and think its fair that your mom gets to attend. I could see you being annoyed if you were saying you ONLY wanted your FI there and no one else and his family was being pushy. But even if you don’t mean it to be it looks like you are saying your mom is important and his family isn’t.
However, I think you are judging it more on distance because you feel like you would have to host them if they traveled. But that is easy to fix if you say they have to get a hotel room and only his parents not all the 4 siblings (?) can com tooe. That way it stays small and fair.
Also I agree with you that it is very rude of them to want to invite people but not want to contribute at all.
Post # 14
@SimplyChic11: if you don’t want anyone there, then it sounds like you should just do the tradiitional elopement and run away one weekend without anyone and come back married. But also consider you can’t really redo the wedding(well i guess you could, but that could be even more stressful) so be sure that you really want to make that step without any of your family there. It seems like if you do a courthouse thing with parents and siblings, that should be manageable.
OR if you really want the nuptials to be intimate with just you and your boo, perhaps you plan a dinner with your families, and you can call it an engagment party. you two elope in your intimate affair and at the dinner, say “surprise! we’re married!” that way you get the intimacy you want, but in hosting the tiny surprise reception, you avoid hurt feelings from family not being involved. just a thought.
Post # 15
I think having your mother there kind of defeats the purpose of eloping. If you’re going to include one parent, you gotta include the other side. Why not invite the parents down for a BBQ, but when they get there be like “surprise! we’re heading down to the courthoue to elope!” Or something like that…
Post # 16
Either invite parents only and elope, or just you and your FH elope and when you come back, have a party for everyone. I think inviting one side’s parents and not the other could create tension for years to come. This might be one of those ‘all or nothing’ type deals…