(Closed) If you have a roommate…how often does your SO spend the night?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How many nights a week is ok for SO to spend the night?
    1-2 nights : (22 votes)
    58 %
    3-4 nights : (3 votes)
    8 %
    4 or more nights : (3 votes)
    8 %
    It doesn't matter, overnight guests don't bother me : (10 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 3
    1670 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    When I was living with a roommate, SO spent the night exactly twice in a yearlong period. Both times were emergencies. I absolutely hate having my roommate’s men around, so I knew she wouldn’t like it with mine either. We had agreed that nobody we dated lived there, and shouldn’t act that way.


    Outright ask her. Acknowledge that she has grown uncomfortable with it and ask if you can have him once a week, or some other agreed to amount, and then stick to it. Nobody wants to come home all the time to a third person who doesn’t really live there.

    Also does he have a key and if so did she agree to that?

    Congrats on moving in By The Way, that made it easier for us to hold out because we knew not living together had an “end” point. Since you’re moving in with him next year, just try to give your roommate some space in the meanwhile. Stay at his place some.




    Post # 5
    4439 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

    When I had roommates I told them we would split the rent based on the rooms so in 1/2 vs. how many people lived in the house 1/3.  That way whoever could spend the night with me as much as they wanted without roomates having the ability to complain.  


    That kept them happy in my case 🙂

    Post # 6
    688 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    If it were me he would only be there when I’m there, otherwise it’s like he’s living there too bc he’s coming and going as he pleases. Why doesn’t he rent out the 3rd room? Then she can’t say anything. 

    Post # 7
    7234 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @LadyBlackheart:  Yeah, I think asking her is the best way to go. It doesn’t really matter what the hive says… her personal boundaries are the most important. 

    My best friend and I were looking for apartments together a couple years ago. Pretty far into it I realized her & her Boyfriend or Best Friend were getting really serious and knew that once she had an apartment close to his work (while he had an hour-long commute) he would be spending a LOT of time there. I finally said maybe it was best if she looked for a one bedroom. I’m glad I did for the sake of our friendship. 

    Post # 9
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @LadyBlackheart:  I don’t have any advice, but I’ll be reading closely since this is something I’m thinking about!


    I’m about to move to NYC to take a great but very low-paying job. There’s no way I can afford a place on my own, so I’m looking for roommates. I’m in an international LDR and S/O is planning on coming over to visit in the fall. Since it’s soooo expensive for him to visit and since he has a flexible work schedule, we’re planning on him staying for a couple months. He has people in the city he thinks he can stay with but I want to be able to spend time with him, considering we normally go 8-9 months without seeing each other! So I’m being very upfront with potential roommates and screening out those that aren’t cool with overnight guests at all. But how cool can I expect people to be? I’ve never had to navigate this before so I don’t know.

    Post # 11
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @LadyBlackheart:  I would apologize to the roommate in person next time you see her.  Then ask what she thinks is reasonable.  Personally, I didn’t like it if my roommate’s Boyfriend or Best Friend slept over more than 1-2 nights per week because in all honesty, I didn’t know the guy.  He could steal my stuff or rape me in my sleep.  Plus, my rule always was, if your not home, your Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t allowed to be in the apartment.


    If he’s spending that much time sleeping over, it’s time to look at moving in together. What is the policy for ending your lease?


    Post # 12
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think the Boyfriend or Best Friend should only sleep over on weekends.  Your roommate is paying rent to live with one other person, not two.  I would not be happy about Boyfriend or Best Friend coming into the apartment when no one is home.  That crosses some boundaries for me.  It sounds like it might be time for you to move out.

    Post # 14
    4524 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @LadyBlackheart:  Well, depending on your lease, he’s probably not supposed to stay more than 2 days at a time. 

    You sound like a considerate person, and I think your roommates response is plenty of evidence she isnt in love with the situation. 

    I have been the boyfriend in this situation: I was having major repair issues at my apartment when I started staying with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and his roommate….BUT, in advance, my Boyfriend or Best Friend talked to his roommate to make sure that was ok, and he said it was. A couple months of that, and the roommate said to us “why doesnt Badabing just break that lease and move in?” Turns out he wasnt being snarky and I did just that.

    I gues the point I’m trying to make is you need to actually sit down with her and hash this out.  Yeah, I know you said “let me know if this bugs you”,  but that really doesnt constitute a ‘boundaries’ talk. I’d get on that sooner rather than later: based on her pretty immediate snappy reaction, it sounds like it’s something that’s been bugging her for awhile and she just hasnt said anything.

    Post # 15
    9431 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I’d say 1-2.  2 nights at yours, 2 nights at his…that’s 4 nights a week you are together.  Not bad. 

    Honestly…when I lived with roommates I really didn’t care that much unless he was in the way or by himself taking over the living room.  But I’d agree he probably shouldn’t be there unless you are there.

    I’d just apologize and ask her how many nights she thinks is reasonable or what boundaries she prefers?

    Post # 16
    4606 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    When I had a roommate FH would spend the night 2 nights a week, and we would alternate every other weekend. My roommate’s boyfriend came over on the weekends that I wasn’t there or FH wasn’t staying with me. We had a nice little agreement worked out; no BFs over when no one else is home, check with each other before BFs came over just in case something else was going on and no more than 2 nights at a time unless something was going on. I could see why your roommate would be a little peeved with the situation, especially if it just sort of happened and you two didn’t discuss it beforehand. I would for sure sit down with her later and ask her what she’s comfortable with before it turns into a big mess. 

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