If you have to TELL someone to be romantic doesn't that defeat the purpose?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@wrkbrk:  I suppose so but I think romance kind of goes both ways.

If I want a night of romance I will say Hey hon, how about next weekend we stay in and get a good bottle of wine and turn on the fireplace etc.  I think it is unfair to leave it completely to the guys.

But I do understand that some women desire more romance than I do. 

Post # 4
107 posts
Blushing bee

@wrkbrk:  Not really, especially if you have different love languages.

Post # 5
515 posts
Busy bee

@wrkbrk:  In a way yes, but sometimes guys have to hear what we want…they aren’t mind readers. This was a problem for me at the start of my relationship but after many discussions with my SO, i have come to realize that he doesn’t show his love for me with grand romantic gestures and thats OK, because he shows me in so many other ways. And after discussing this, he has shown great improvement in the romance department. So yes, it can defeat the purpose but sometimes they have no idea what we want if we don’t tell them. 🙂

Post # 6
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Kind of, but not really, because you can’t expect people to read your mind.  I’m a strong believer in being up front about expectations. 

Post # 7
453 posts
Helper bee

@wrkbrk:  I agree. (And I’m working on this..!) If I feel like things have gotten boring, and we’re in a rut, then I have to remind DH about being romantic and making an effort. Then when he does it (I mean, at least he does), I feel like I’ve pushed him into doing something he didn’t want to do (because if he’d wanted to do it I wouldn’t have had to remind/hint at him right?!) 

I totally get what you’re saying. I keep having to remind myself that guys just don’t think like us most times… 

Post # 8
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it depends. Sometimes I will just say to my DH, “lets go on a date” or “you need to take me on a date” haha. But if I had to tell him to be affectionate or anything like that, then yes I think it would defeat the purpose. I want my DH to want to do those things because he wants to, not because I ask him to.

Post # 9
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

No. It’s called speaking up for your needs.

Post # 10
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have to tell my FI that I want to do something romantic.  No one can read minds, and it is not right for me to expect something out of him that I didn’t tell him I wanted.  At first yes, it felt like it was spoiling it a bit for me.  I then began to understand that my FI is much more into every day gestures (rolling over and cuddling me after hitting the snooz on the first alarm) than the grand gestures. 

Post # 11
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Some people aren’t naturally romantic. This doesn’t mean they aren’t in love or committed to a relationship. I really don’t go for the hearts and flowers stuff and neither does DH. But for sure, this is absolutely NO reflection of our true feelings for each other.

If romantic gestures are important to you then yes, you probably will have to make this clearer. It doesn’t necessarily defeat the purpose of them either. But your SO is almost certainly not a mind reader. So he may need gentle guidance in this respect. However, what I would say is that romantic gestures alone are no reflection of real love. 

Post # 12
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yes, if you are saying, “on Friday, surprise me with dinner and write me a love letter.” If you generally say, “I love when you surprise me with dinner and write me sweet notes,” then you are just being honest about your needs. 

Post # 13
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@wrkbrk:  Not necessarily.  If you tell someone you would like more hugs and kisses, or flowers sometimes, or a romantic night out and they do it, they’re doing it to make you happy and that in and of itself is romantic.

We can’t expect our partners to be mind readers.  And we also have to recognize gestures that may not seem romantic on the surface but actually are.  A guy who maintains your car because he wants you to be safe is being romantic.  A guy who works hard to pay the bills and save for your future is being romantic.  

Its not the end of the world or romance to tell someone what would make you happy.  BUT, you also have to accept  your guy for who he is if you truly want to be with him.  He may need the occasional hint or request.  But don’t make the mistake of writing a script in your head and then being dissapointed or angry if he doesn’t follow it.

Post # 14
5905 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@wrkbrk:  …..I know exactly where you’re coming from on this one…because I married a guy that is totally useless in the romance department.  It used to make me really sad, and unhappy and kind of bitter, because if I wanted to go out for a romantic night on the town, I literally had to plan it myself, down to the flowers on the table…it sucked, and I felt like every other woman on the planet had a guy that wrote them love poems, and brought them presents for no reason and every once in a while spoiled them with a decadent meal followed by a night of passion…

But that’s not what’s happening in anyone’s marriage…not without a little work that is.

So after more than a few fights about it, and me screaming, “IT DOESN’T COUNT IF I ASK FOR IT!!!!” at him….we figured out something that works for us.

I’ll decide I need a little romance, a little extra, and some attention…so I’ll go to him and say, “In the next three weeks or so…I would like to go out, someplace nice, that actually has a wine list….and I want a present.”   And he will get it all lined up and surprise me with the things I asked for, although I don’t know exactly where or what, so it works.

We also have a standby B&B we go to for our anniversary every year, and it just makes the entire year for us…so we really outdo ourselves up there and make a pilgrimage in the fall…so we have that to look forward to.

I know its not novel material…but it works for us.

Post # 15
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@wrkbrk:  How old are you? I ask because I used to feel that way when I was younger. Now I don’t feel that way at all.


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