Post # 1
Hello Bees, I’ve been reading the boards for years now, without ever posting anything of my own. But now I need help from you about my specific situation. If you would be so kind to give advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
I was with my SO for over 3.5 years, with a few rocky points that were extremley hurtful and damaging to our relationship. However, after each of those lows, we managed to get back on track and work toward making a better relationship. One of those low points was the discussion of getting married, occured around the 2 year mark. He swore that upon his graduation from his masters, we would get engaged (would have been at the 2.5 mark.) I was satisfied at that time that it would happen, but then an entire year after he graduated, no engagement. And bringing up marriage always ended in an argument. I helped this man through several life changing situations, grandparents deaths, illness (including cancer), a few surguries, depression and PTSD (he’s a cop). Needless to say, I gave him my world and helped him with everything he ever needed of me. All I wanted in return was an engagement to move to the next level and not getting it made me feel unappreciated and completely worthless to him. So, I left him, telling him it was because he never proposed and I had him move out of our place.
That was three months ago. In that time, he has applied and gotten into a doctorate program in another country and leaves at the end of August. He came over to collect a few last items and we ended up talking for a while about what went wrong. He hinted at wanting to start over and be in a relationship again because I am “the love of his life.” We are supposed to meet for drinks in the next week or so, but I’m not sure what to do. The only way I would get back with him is if he proposed. I mean, he will be in another country for three years and I can’t leave until I graduate with my own masters in May 2013. So, is demanding a proposal now an insane thing to do? Or would that make him realize that I’m not going to give him the world again without his commitment to me? I also don’t want to put myself out there again to make him feel comfortable just to get myself hurt all over again. What would you all do in this situation?
Post # 3
Hmm this one is tough especially since I dont know all the extremley hurtful and damaging things that happened between you too.
Honestly if I were in your shoes I would just keep things the way they are, no reason to rush into a proposal, if youre meant to be together you will, but in my opinion theres no need to rush.
Post # 4
I agree with the previous poster. Dont rush it..if it’s meant to happen it will
Post # 5
I would not rush a proposal, especially with this sort of up-and-down past.
Post # 6
Honestly, and I apologize in advance if this sounds harsh but youths only way you would get back together is based on a proposal it sounds like you want the wedding more then the man.I’ve been at this point many times inyay 5 yr relationship and had thoughts of giving the ultimatum but at the end of the day what is the difference between acommitted relationship and marriage?
Post # 7
Well, I wouldn’t get back with him unless he proposed. Then again, I just wouldn’t get back with him. If he’s hurt you in the past you’ll have a hard time forgetting that. He may still be the same guy you fell in love with, but he’s also the same guy you broke up with.
Post # 8
Don’t push him into a proposal. Stay friends, stay in contact, if things work out then they work out, but to rush a proposal is not a sensible thing to do.
Post # 9
Based solely on your post, I would not trust his intentions. He said “He hinted at wanting to start over and be in a relationship again because I am “the love of his life.”
Three years is a long time and he should know by now if he wants you as his wife or not. He just hinted of starting over and having a relationship. He did not say that he wants something more serious.
Post # 10
@jcol1984: I agree with the other PPs. I would not rush into this. //
At this point, I would be so hurt to have spent 3.5 years and did not result in a proposal. It shouldn’t take him losing you to realize that you were the love of his life. I dated my ex for 2.5 years and it never dawned on him that we should get married. And, once we broke up, he came back and asked me what he could do. I debated about telling him that only a proposal would fix everything but would it? Nope. My FI knew 1 year in that I was “the one” and proposed as soon as he could. You deserve a man with strong convictions.
Post # 11
I definitely agree with the other posters that you should take some time before getting back into the relationship.
However, noticed that your Ex is going to another country? If you’re contemplating uprooting your life to join him in this new country, I definitely would not join him unless there is a promise and a rock on the finger. Its too much of a commitment at this point and you’ve spent way too much time with him.
This need for a concrete engagement can be broached diplomatically. I did it with my own FI, he wanted to move cross coast and I told him i would not move with him unless I was engaged. It was raised in a very non confrontational manner.
My boss told a story about when he was about to go to grad school, his then gf now wife got super grumpy..and then blurted out, don’t think im moving unless you propose. he was so surprised..he waited another 6 mths before proposing..so maybe that was not that diplomatic =p
But there are definitely stories of people who moved and got stranded. I know a girl that moved from NY to Texas for her bf, and then he broke up with her. There’s even a story about a guy that moved for his girl..then she broke up with him. He called my boss crying wanted to go back to NYC…he did not get the transfer unfortunately.
So at this pt if he is serious, he should make a concrete commitment. However whether you want him is something you should think about for yourself.
Post # 12
If you would let him go over not getting proposed to, maybe he isn’t the one for you. If he is the love of your life as you are to him, why do you need a ring or a label? If I were you I’d explain why I was hurt for not being proposed to and how taking your relationship to the next level was something you really wanted/want without giving an ultimatum. You should solve the issues that make you feel unappreciated (it must be deeper than just not being proposed to or I imagine it wouldn’t have led to that?). Maybe you feel a lack of appreciation because the focus was so much on him and you gave up so much, and you want the focus on you for a while?
I would let it happen when he’s comfortable. Why push him and force him to do something he’s not ready for?
Post # 13
Thank you Bees for the responses! I know for a fact that its not the wedding that I’m fixated on (although, that part would definitely be fun!) It has more to do with the fact that I’ve given and given for so long while feeling like I never got anything back in the way of emotional support and love. To me, if he proposed, that would be the ultimate show of devotion and would make me feel secure in his feelings for me.
The aspect that he’ll be in another country is the other reason that I wanted some level of commitment from him. I would have to uproot my life, leave my very successful career and my family. I know a lot of you said not to do it, but I am going to bring it up as non-confrontational as possible to say that if he wants a relationship with me, then he needs to make a committment or I’m not investing more time and energy into him and leaving my life at home behind. If he decides that proposing is not what he wants, then I know I officially did everything I could, including standing up for myself and what I feel is right.
Post # 14
Hell to the no i would not! I had a rocky relationship with my ex and everytime i dumped him, he’d come crawling back begging for me and promising me we would get engaged and talking all sorts of bull shit about how he wanted to marry me, etc. It never ever worked out. After riding the cycle a few times, I decided to step off the rollercoaster for good. Best. Decision. EVER! Exes are exes for a reason!
Post # 15
Nope, exes are exes for a reason.
Post # 16
My ex proposed to me after we broke up after being together for over 2 years. We broke up because even though he was older, he was very immature and expected me to provide and him not contribute, and I wasn’t cool with that. Also, we had discussed getting engaged and the timeline, and after the first deadline passed…then the second…the third…I was done.
A few weeks a later he called me and proposed, and told me that he had had the ring of my dreams the whole time. He sent me a picture of it, and I was livid.
I still said no.
A few weeks later he said, “Well, if you don’t find anyone by the end of 2013, and I’m still single, we should get married.”
I told him to never call me again. Like someone said, exes are exes for a reason.