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So I have come across a couple threads about some poor fellow bees who are dealing with unfaithful husbands.
And it made me think, if my husband cheated on me...would I stay and work it out?
For me its no, I wouldnt ever be able to trust him again and it would make not only me but him miserable. and that wouldnt be fair to either of us. I would immediately get a divorce. But when I ask my other friends about it they say that they would stay in the marriage and work it out. I just cant comprehend that!
So fellow bees would you stay? Or leave?
wow.. what a post! This is really hard.. I don't know.. it would depend on the situation. I'd like to say "hell yeah, I'd leave his a**" but.. when you're in it, you just don't know. If it were a Tiger Woods type situation, I'd be out so fast and not even look back. But if it were like a Steve and Miranda situation on Sex and the City.. I'd have to think about it.
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I would have to say, I would be out that door immediately.
I am the kind of person who gives my trust easily - but once you loose it, it is gone forever and you won't be getting it back.
I would not be able to forgive that kind of betrayal, and I know that about myself, so there would be no point in dragging my FH/husband through any kind of attempt to reconcile!
I would stay, those issues can be worked out in therapy.. unless he wasn't willing to go to therapy then Idk what I'd do!
This is a hard post...it's obviously a situation that none of us hope to be in. I think it would depend on the situation for me too, although my initial reaction is leave.
I would absolutely leave.
I wouldn't have to think about it. If they cheat once, they will do it again. And in my opinion, cheating is unforgiveable. There are no exceptions.
No. Absolutely not, and not under any conditions. Mr. KM knows that is the ULTIMATE dealbreaker for us (not that I in a million years think he would). I'd never be able to trust him again and that wouldn't be fun for anyone. Might as well make a clean break once the truth comes out instead of trying to make it work, in my opinion. It's just my opinion, and I think it's cool that some girls would stay and try to work it out.
My initial reaction would also be to leave, but I've never been in that situation, so who knows what I'd do. I just wouldn't be able to trust him again, and can't imagine myself staying.
I'd have to think about it. Honestly, I cheated once(go ahead put me down). I was in highschool and really didn't know what the hell I was doing, on top of that I was depressed and untreated for bipolar disorder. I hated myself and did things I was not proud of. Thankfully I've grown up a lot since then, got healthy and got my life back on track. There's not a day where I don't regret it but he forgave me for it. It all depends on the situation and if the person at fault will take full responibility for their actions and become a better person. Trust takes time to rebuild but if it's only one indiscretion then I think there are circumstances where they can be forgiven and move on. I don't know how I'd personally react though for(as far as I know) I've never been cheated on.
cheating is wrong though. period.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently because of the posts on here... and I wouldn't stay, no. As much as I love Mr. Tacos, and even if we had children... I would not stay. One that line has been crossed with me, I can't go back.
The thing that makes "US" work is that we trust each other with our lives. I don't think I could even look at him if he did that to me. Just thinking about it makes me cringe.
I think it's so hard to know what you'd actually do, until the situation presents itself.
I know I wouldn't want to stay with someone who could so callously violate my trust... but I also think a lot more affairs take place than we could ever imagine.
Heartbreaking, any way you look at it.
I'd be gone in a second. If he cheated he is nowhere near the person I fell in love with and not someone I'd ever want to be with.
You never know what you will do until it happens to you. You say that you would leave, but until you are in that situation, you don't know.
I just posted about this b/c my fiance cheated. For me, the deal breaker was that he had a full blow affair and shared our dreams and plans with her as if they were planning a life together. I have to say though, that if we had been married, it would have been really, really hard. I also think it depends on the circumstances - is the affair over, did he confess before you found out, how far did it go physically, what was going on in your/his life at the time, etc. I have to be honest, there were times in my relationship when I thought - I sure do miss so-and-so and the way he cooked for me, but I never took it so far as to contact that person or to find someone to fulfill what I thought was missing in my relationship.
There are times when I think that if my ex-fiance had come to me and told me about something in the past (even if in the recent past), and that he screwed up, IT MIGHT have ended differently and YES, I might have at least been willing to go to counseling and not just kick his a** to the curb immediately. So, I really think it depends on a lot of things. My sister (who has been married for 14 years) says that a child outside of marriage is her deal breaker, but for me, it was feeling like I was the "other woman" even though we were engaged and that he was living 2 lives and going back and forth between us with no plans to stop. Her being pregnant was just icing on the cake.
I also forgot to add that when I tell most women who are married or have been married, 85% have stories to tell that are identical or very similar to mine. Some have decided to work it out, but it just seems like a lot of men cheat at least once at some point in their relationship (whether it is an emotional affair or a physical affair). I can't understand it one bit.
I really hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I think monogamy isn't realistic. I've been hurt by cheating twice now in different relationships, but I've also been able to move on.
Marriage contains a lot of the mundane crap of life. How do you get excited after 20 years? And the feeling I always had after realizing the boyfriend had cheated was, "I'm a fool for not doing the same." It's almost game theory for me.
I've never cheated and probably never could wrap my head around it. But a physical transgression doesn't void your history with someone. If my fiance is kind, supportive, loving, etc, and he strays, I don't know. I'm not perfect.
if we were already married id stay and work it out most likely.
if it happened before the wedding, i don't know.
I would absolutely leave.
I'm not naive enough to think he's perfect by any stretch, but cheating doesn't "just happen", cheating is a consious decision. Accidents are forgivable, but cheating is in no way accidental, and is therefore unforgivable. I would never disrespect him like that, so I would expect the same treatment, and rightfully so. I could never trust him after an affair, and without trust, what is a relationship worth? Nothing, in my opinion.
I haven't a clue. I can't imagine him doing this, but I'm sure most people can't imagine their partners doing that either. I think its way too complicated to say.
I don't think that I could find it in myself to not leave. Regardless of whether it was a one off stupid wasn't thinking indiscretion that had nothing to do with how much he loved me or how attracted to me he was, I would never be able to get over the thought that for some reason I wasn't enough for him. Totally wrong way to think, I know, but I have to be honest. If it did happen, and I would stay, I think it would just wind up hurting us both more than to cut ties from the get go.
I think about this sometimes, because I know FI is the kind that if he ever did it, he would be immediately regretful and beg for forgiveness, go to counseling with me, etc.
But at the same time, I can admit it about myself--I can be a little insecure. Knowing that I try to work on that a lot, he should know that he would most likely never get a second chance, ever--I don't need a reason to be insecure.
I admire those people who do try really hard to put things back together, like they once were. I just simply don't think I'm that kind of person.
It depends on the situation. Was it random, was it a relationship, is he sorry... I say everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third. So yes I would stay and see if the relationship changed.
You know, I'd say right here right now that I would be out the door, goodbye, you don't appreciate what you had. But down the road, I guess I can't say for sure. My trust would be lost, but then do I shove forgiveness out the door? Tough call.
... isn't it like at least 1/3 of married men cheat? I read that somewhere. idk the source though. yikes.
@nlmiele:yeppers
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html
Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)
I was going to say 50% but ... it's just so hard to believe. I am going to read that journal article right now! Thank you!!
*** 3 minutes later***
I tried to read the article.. it seems that id have to pay for it :(
The article is about CYBER SEX.
Here is the first sentance in the abstract: "While percentages of extramarital sex (EMS) vary from study to study, it can be estimated that 50-60% of married men and 45-55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their marriage and almost half come to therapy because of it"
Good to know since I'm going to be a marriage counselor. ha. frick. The rest of the abstract talks about cyber sex, so I really have no idea where this statistic came from cause they did not reference it (cause it's only an abstract) and i can't read the rest of the dang ol' article.
:( sad.
geesh, 50%, along with a 50% divorce rate, that doesnt sound good for marriages unfourtunatly. i wonder why those rates are so high?
@crebre80: Wow...the scariest part of that is how long ago the studies were conducted...One can only image what the percentages are at now
Part of what is most sickening is how now there are companies that actually advertise dating services for people to have 'discreet affairs'...really? are we becoming a society where an affair is ok as long as it's discreet and people have documentation that they are STD free?
I think a lot of people just don't take their relationships seriously. A lot of brides push their grooms into marriage, while a lot of grooms can hide the way they may actually feel about people. I posted about this in "young marriages" the other day--Of 5 people I know getting married next year (including myself), only two of us even stand a chance at not ending in divorce based on the way we construct arguments, settle those disputes and plan/budget for the future. Sometimes, sad to say, you can just tell when someone's a little too immature to be going in full force. Same goes for cheating--some people just have those insecure or jealous or lustful ways and deal with it badly, and sometimes you can just predict who those people will be.
I have to be honest and say, "I don't know."
I can't imagine my husband being unfaithful, so it's hard for me to say what I would do in that situation.
My first inclination is to say I would leave him, but I know couples who have survived infidelity. It was really hard for them, but they managed to do it.
Also, we're currently expecting our first child. Breaking up a family and keeping her from her dad might be enough to make me stay and work on it.
my head says "stay and work it out" but my heart says "leave the bastard!" It's hard to say unless i've been in those shoes, but knowing ME, no mater how sorry HE was, I know I could never trust him again and I know it'd become a toxic point in our relationship....I could never forgive and I'd hold it over his head and I'd hold a grudge. I think I'd be so mortified and disgusted it'd make me sick. I don't think I could actually stay with someone who did that to me. I'm not the kind of person who forgives...so even if he was sorry i really dont' think I could allow the relationship to move on.
Tough question. Easy to say what I'd do, impossible to know what i'd do in real life nand how I'd really handle it
I'm going to go out on the honest limb too and say that I don't know. My husband is the most honest, trustworthy man I know. But I also know that people change and relationships evolve. There are a lot of variables: was it a 1 time thing or an ongoing relationship; whether or not we have children; would he be willing to get counseling; etc. I'd like to say I'd fight for my marriage but if he was cheating with multiple women or had an ongoing relationship with someone, I'd leave in a heartbeat.
I would like to think I've chosen someone who would never, ever be unfaithful. He's an honest, genuine, wonderful person who knows what it feels like to be the victim.
That being said, I can't think of a single justification for staying if he did cheat. I respect myself too much to buy into the excuses. It would be a game ender for me.
I don't know. I can't think of a Justification. If we had kids, I would want counseling together. If he said no, We'd be done. But I won't know for sure unless it *God Forbid* happens.
Like others I really do not know what I would do...In a previous relationship I did stay when my ex cheated...the only reason I did is because we have a child together but I finally realized that he didn't want to stop is behavior and we would be better off without him...At this point I think I would leave if my FI cheated but if we were married with children I really don't know...it is all according to if the other person wants to work things out and if the marriage is worth saving...
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