Post # 1
This is sort of a poll but it was too hard to set it up as a yes or no question.
Did you have a timeline that was ignored?
Did you confront him, and if so what did he do in response?
Did you end up getting engaged, or did you end the relationship?
If you ended up getting engaged, how long after the initial timeline did it happen?
Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us in this stage of waiting?
I would really love to hear some stories if you don’t mind sharing. 🙂
Post # 3
I don’t believe in putting a timeline on my FI. I don’t really understand women who do or make one up in their head and break up with their BFs if he hasn’t proposed by then. I believe a relationship can only work if there’s good communication. Therefore, my FI and I have discussed when we want to get married (end of next year) and that I was going to get an official ring and proposal by the end of this year. That was something that he came up with and that I agreed upon. I don’t think we were ready for it before this year and now the time is right for us. Even if it were to happen at the beginning of next year, I’d still be ok with it. I know that he is committed to me and to us and that’s all I need. A ring won’t make him any more committed and not having one doesn’t make him any less.
And honestly, I kind of like the waiting game. It’s fun to guess when it’s going to happen and the other night I thought about it actually happening and realized that it would end a part of my life forever and I wasn’t ready to close the door on us being a couple that isn’t engaged and actively planning a wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I’m dying to marry my FI, but I almost feel like I’ll be missing out on this waiting game if he does it too soon because I’m just so comfortable/confident/secure in our relationship that I haven’t really felt like I was “waiting” until recently. That is, I haven’t been like, OMG WHEN IS HE GOING TO DO IT until this summer.
Post # 4
I feel like if you have to put a timeline on your guy, you’re probably with the wrong one.
But that’s just me.
Post # 5
We had initially agreed that we weren’t going to seriously look at rings until after he had graduated from his degree. Soon after he finished, we purchased my ring and his watch and he told me that he is planning on proposing on February next year on our trip to Las Vegas.
For me, a timeline of any sort needs to be agreed upon by both parties as opposed to being imposed by one person to another.
Post # 6
Agreeing on a timeline together is only possible when you’re both in it for keeps and you know you’re definitely going to get married at some point, the only question is when. But not everyone is that lucky – there are any number of reasons why a girl might have to set her own timeline.
-Maybe her SO doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t sure if he’ll ever marry her, and she can’t wait forever for him to make a decision because she wants to get on with her life.
-Maybe he’s making empty promises to keep her in a relationship which is convenient for him, but he doesn’t want to marry her and eventually he’ll leave and marry someone else.
-Maybe he’s just not the marrying kind but won’t admit it because she’ll leave.
-Maybe she’s on a timeline (due to wanting a baby, or wanting some security before moving cross-country) and he isn’t going to provide what she needs during the time frame in which she needs it.
In any case, she needs a commitment which he isn’t ready to provide, and she has to decide how long she’s prepared to wait for him to be ready before she gives up and looks elsewhere for what she needs. There’s always a possibility that she’s wasting her time waiting for a guy who’ll never marry her, so she has to set a timeline to protect herself from being strung along and wasting all of her fertile and marriageable years on a guy who won’t commit.
I think it’s great if your SO knows he wants to marry you and you can set a timeline together. But that simply isn’t possible for a lot of girls who don’t know if their SO will ever marry them – these are the girls who need to set their own timeline to protect themselves from wasting too much time on someone. So I don’t think it’s fair to say that timelines should be set as a couple, and girls shouldn’t set their own timelines – sometimes they have to set a timeline to protect themselves.
Post # 7
I once dated a guy for almost three years and he hadn’t proposed. I nagged him for months, saying we’d dated for long enough and I wanted to either get engaged by our third anniversary or break up. So he reluctantly agreed, we picked out a ring and he started saving to pay for it. I thought about this for a few weeks and decided I didn’t want to marry a guy who hadn’t even proposed to me of his own choice. I didn’t want to nag him into marriage – I deserved a guy who wanted to marry me, who chose me and proposed to me. So I dumped him a couple of weeks before our third anniversary. I heard that he met someone else and made his decision about marriage within a year, proposed to her properly and they’re married with a baby.
I dated another guy for 2.5 years when he decided he wanted to go to work in China. I couldn’t go with him because I was in college, and he expected me to wait at home for at least a year until he came back. I said I’d wait if we got engaged so I knew he was coming back, but he said he didn’t want to get married. So I said if he left without putting a ring on my finger, the relationship was over. He left and I ended the relationship. I got on with my life, and about 18 months later he came back and realised he was lonely, and regretted leaving me. He started pursuing me again – by this time I’d moved to a new city and was in a new relationship, so I told him to leave me alone. He’s still unmarried and regards leaving me as one of his biggest mistakes.
With hindsight though, I’m glad I didn’t marry either of those guys. They weren’t committed to me and really the relationship wasn’t good enough to lead to marriage (probably why they hadn’t proposed of their own accord). So maybe there’s some truth in the idea that if he hasn’t proposed he isn’t the right one?
I don’t know what I’ll do when my current timeline expires. He knows I’m only prepared to wait a little after our third anniversary, but I don’t know how seriously he takes it or whether he’ll stick to it. The problem for me is that we live together, we own pets and furniture, and it would be really difficult for me to leave. For one thing, I simply can’t afford to live alone in this city. He earns more and helps me out a little, so unless I happen to be offered a better job in the next year it’ll be pretty much impossible for me to walk out.
Post # 8
I was with my boyfriend for 10 years before he proposed. I had just gotten out of high school when we got together, so I thought we would get engaged as soon as I got out of college. After a few years I started verbally telling him that I was upset that he hadn’t proposed yet. He was always telling me that he wanted to get married and that he wanted to have kids, but the time wasn’t right (finances, whatever). He wanted me to move in with him after about year 6, and I told him I would if he proposed by the end of that year. He didn’t. After that we would have heated discussions about it at least twice a year. I even said I wanted to go down to the courthouse and get married, but he wouldn’t because he knew I would be upset about it later. It was really upsetting to me that people I knew would get married after a couple of years, but he supposedly loved me so much and wouldn’t marry me after 6 or more years. I thought about breaking up a few times over the years – but do you really break up with someone because you are not married?
At one point he told me something that made a lot of sense. This proposal was *his* thing that he got to do and remember for the rest of his life. I may say that I don’t care about the ring or how extravagant the proposal was, but it was his moment to shine and he wanted to do it “right” because he cared about me and it was what I deserved. The timing has to be right for everyone involved. I was ready to get married and “move on” with life for at least five years before he was.
He did propose to me a few months ago. We have an annual memorial day party where we camp over the weekend and have a massive cookout for all of our family and friends that can make it. Right before we served dinner for the cookout, he called everyone together to thank them for coming, and he proposed in the middle of a tropical storm in front of 75 of our closest family and friends. He had been sneaking around for months making plans, and the ring was huge and more beautiful than I ever would have expected or would have received if I would have rushed him into it four years ago. Everytime I see this ring I know it is something that he picked out and he gave to me on his own out of love – not because I gave him an ultimatum and told him he had to.
If you are spending the rest of your life together, it doesn’t matter if you have to wait a year or two in the begining before your legally sign papers. You are still together building a life together. We get emotional and it is frustrating to not have what you want when you want it…but if you stay together and have a good relationship he will propose. He will get to the point where he wants kids and he wants a family and he wants to be married.
My biggest advice? Keep saving for that wedding. It’s more expensive than I ever thought it would be. Even if you have family paying for the wedding, there is always something more that you wish you could afford to do – like spa treatments for your bridesmaids or whatever. Don’t break up with a guy because he didn’t propose on your timeline. You break up with a guy because he treats you poorly or is a bad person. “Good things come to those who wait.”
Post # 9
@Waitingtoexhale: i also think that if your putting ultimatums on your relationship, it’s a bad thing. Why do so many try to do this? Personally, i find it immature and unreasonable on men. But it also depends on age, in your 20’s your full of life and ideals, trying to find your niche in the world. When your in your 30’s, i think your more able to understand what your getting into & appreciate it more, no offense
Post # 10
i agree with the thought that ultimatums aren’t good for MOST relationships, not all as in some cases it may be necessary. i didn’t put a timeline on my guy, we just talked about timing, etc and when we would get engaged, he said he would propose this year, and he narrowed it down to the first six months of the year after i kept asking (i was really excited!) and he proposed mid January!
Post # 11
Did you have a timeline that was ignored? I guess I did? Not really. He “missed” the timeline deadline by 3 weeks, so I don’t really think that counts. And it wasn’t a definite timeline, it was more like “I will be ready in 8 months” and he proposed after 8 months & 3 weeks (I’m not crazy, the only reason I know the time is we had this conversation at New Years so the math is simple).
Did you confront him, and if so what did he do in response? I kind of confronted him because he said all this stuff that made me think he was proposing this one weekend, and when we were driving home and he hadn’t proposed, I lost it. We talked it out and he felt awful! He was actually in the process of picking out the ring at that point so he felt really bad. I made him agree to stop being so coy about “maybe we’ll get married, I don’t know” and to just say “yes, we will be getting married.” It’s kind of a personality defect in him, he can’t say anything definite. If you were to ask him “Do you breath oxygen?” he would respond “I think so, probably.” So it was a big deal for him to be more definite in his language about marriage.
Did you end up getting engaged, or did you end the relationship? We got engaged! After 6.5 years.
If you ended up getting engaged, how long after the initial timeline did it happen? 8 months & 3 weeks.
Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us in this stage of waiting? Words of wisdom…. I just don’t really know, I would need to know more about your specific situation. My FI is just a very cautious person and it took him a long ass time to be totally 100% sure that we would work out. He now can go into marriage with absolutely zero doubts (his words) so in my mind, I’m really, really glad that it took 6.5 years to get engaged and it’ll be over 7.5 years together when we get married. It takes a lot of nerves out of the equation and we can focus purely on celebration and our love. We also know each other extremely well and our families know us super well too.
I guess I would just ask your SO what’s holding him back from proposing now. My FI always had valid reasons, I just didn’t like them, lol. I kind of wished I had just listened to him during all those conversations about why we weren’t engaged and trusted him.
Post # 12
My words of wisdom: A successful relationship does not have a timeline.
Post # 13
I agree – to each their own but I definately do not believe in timeline’s unless it’s a circumstance like some ladies on here where SO is in the Army/Med school and they have to plan. Timeline’s take out the special aspect of what should be a special time in your life IMO.
However – SO and I had a talk 4 years ago (At Swiss Chalet in South Edmonton – I do remember it, I’m not crazy lol) and I said I would like to be married or engaged in 4-5 years and that 7 years was more than enough time. It wasn’t a timeline so to say but more of a general -” Hey, 4 -5 years? That’s not bad. ” Too bad my anniversary for 7 years is coming up with my SO being an absolute child about having any sort of talk about commitment if it’s not on his terms. Ugh.
Post # 14
I think a lot of guys prefer to have an idea in their heads of what we expect. So conversations about timelines aren’t necessarily demanding.
We’re in our mid-30’s and not getting any younger. It’s very appropriate for us to discuss these things in the open and we’re comfortable with that. I think my SO likes knowing what my hopes and expectations are so he knows what to do. Men like road maps, I’ve found ;).
Post # 15
@RedAngelDreamer: I wish my SO liked road maps. He is more of a “Hey, maybe let’s turn here… wait a moment, no let’s turn here.. Let’s pull over and nap before keep driving. Oh and before we nap, let’s stop and enjoy the scenery. Oh look, a squirrel”
That metaphor my friends, is my SO to a T 😀
Post # 16
FH and I had agreed that we definitely wanted to get married in spring/summer 2014, before I start teaching. I told him I would need at least a year to plan a wedding, and I preferred a longer engagement. Past that, it was his choice when he proposed. He ended up proposing a lot earlier than I thought he would, but it gave me the long engagement I wanted.
So the only real timeline that we had was the one we agreed on. I agree with PPs who say that giving him a timeline is probably a bad idea, but agreeing on one together can be a good thing.