Post # 1
So, I love the Bee, but have to admit that I’m not yet engaged. I’m in a pretty serious relationship, but we are young (23) and both just finished school within the past 1-2 years. We have both lived with roommates (fortunately for us, good ones!) the entire time we have been dating. Mr. Calc recently moved home to save some money, but I am locked into my lease until June 2010. In June 2010, my roommate will be moving out and moving in with her FH (wedding 06/26/2010).
My predicament is this: Should I move to a smaller place by myself/find another roommate, or move in with the (future) Mr.? While I am 99.9% sure he is the one (and he feels the same way) we would like to date for a while longer before getting engaged.
I always thought that I wouldn’t move in with someone before we were engaged (or married,) but not for religious reasons or because my family would oppose (at least I think they wouldn’t.) For me, the proposal and engagement just wouldn’t have the same excitement and luster if we were already sharing bills, chores, and living space. In my mind, if we are going to move in together, why not just get engaged? Well, I’ll tell you why not – because we’re not ready!
I know countless couples who live together and wait many months or years to get engaged. For some reason, I just don’t get it. Obviously, many couples cite financial reasons for waiting to get engaged/married. But other than those, how could you move in together but not get engaged?
So hive, here is my question to you: how did you know you were ready to live together, but not ready to get engaged?
Post # 3
My fiance and I have been together 3.5 years, lived together for 2.5, and have been engaged for six months.
We had to move in together because – well, I didn’t have another option. He lived with his mom, and my roommates were moving out of state. I couldn’t afford and didn’t want to live alone. We had discussed it in passing, of course, but one day, my fiance and I walked into the living room, my roommates told me they were moving, and I said, "That’s ok, we’ll just move in together," without even asking him first. 🙂
But it worked out well. We get along well, we’re constantly suprised we don’t drive each other crazy, and we’re still incredibly excited and super happy to be getting married next year. To us, the wedding is about sharing this moment and sharing our love with our close friends and family, and less about sharing it between us – we know we’re going to be together forever, marriage or no. We didn’t want to get married until we were much more financially stable (and he had finished a bit more college), so 2010 seemed like a logical decision for us. When we moved in together, there was no discussion of getting married anytime soon.
On the other hand – my stepsister and her boyfriend have been together for seven years, live together, just bought a house together, and are not engaged (though she desperately wants to be).
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
Yep, we moved in together out of convenience. We hadn’t been dating a very long time at all so we were definitely not ready to be engaged. (But now that we are, it’s like we’re already married! Ah, modern love…)
Post # 5
Moving into together shouldn’t be based on whether you are engaged or not. I moved in with my (now) FI because we were in love. I hated leaving him at the end of the night and going to sleep alone. I didn’t want to talk over the phone as much as I wanted to talk to him in person. I didn’t want to have to wait to see him until we were both done with work, dinner, the gym, etc etc.
Sharing bills, chores and other stuff didn’t take away from how much I enjoyed being with him and it definitely didn’t take away from my excitement when he finally did propose. Trust me – no matter what you think or how you think you’ll feel, when you see him on one knee ALL coolness and calmness goes right out the door and you are nothing but giddy and excited – no matter what your situation is.
Moving in together has it’s benefits too. The only way to really know if you can stand every little thing about each other and whether you can be together forever is to learn everything about him. What better way than to live together.
Post # 6
We wanted to move in togethor after 2 months of dating because we wanted privacy, more time togethor and wanted to come home to each other every night. While I understand your wishes and respect them, we have have lived togethor over 2 years and our engagment and proposal was full of excitement and luster. We went to get our marriage license yesterday and we were like 2 giddy teenagers! Moving in togethor helped us get through those times of getting used to each other and learning each others finances and personal space. I have always been on my own and I lived with a boyfriend previous and let me tell you, I am sorry but some guys do change and change thier behavior once you move in and I am glad I did that early on because it made me see my ex in a different light. I am also someone that is the exact opposite of my FI with cleanliness and tidyness and we have worked togethor on this and have a wonderful communication effort on the chores. I think I rather have my first year of marriage just being with my man and already knowing the petty stuff and not having those silly arguments that we did in the beginning nor having the financial issues come up. Everyone has their own opionions but just because you live togethor first does not mean you are automatically engaged nor does it take away anything from your future engagement and wedding. I personally think it adds more. 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 7
We might not be a good example, because we were already housemates when we started dating. We were living with some other friends and our lease was up, so we decided to get our own place. We got our own place in Sept 06, got engaged in April 08 and got married a month ago.
When we moved in together, neither of us was ready to get engaged/married for several reasons. One was simply money–we knew that we’d be paying for the wedding ourselves and we just didn’t have anything saved up yet. Also, I know that although he wouldn’t admit it, I think it took my husband a little while to pay for my engagement ring. Also, even though we knew each other well, I really wanted to see how things were living together before we decided to get married. That’s not to say that I didn’t think we were heading down that road, I wouldn’t have moved in with him if I didn’t think we would get married eventually. I really wanted to make sure that we were able to get a lot of the day-to-day stuff sorted out before we got married. Everyone is different, but for me, I wanted to know that we could really handle all that stuff–and still love each other–before we walked down the aisle.
FWIW, from experience, even though we had lived together for all that time, the proposal, engagement, wedding and marriage have all been exciting, special and different. You assume that nothing is going to change, because you’re already together, but I think it definitely does…for the better.
Post # 8
We moved in together out of convenience for the most part, and we just felt like it was a step we both really wanted to take before getting engaged. It was important to me to know how we’d each handle the day to day stuff before making any major decisions, though we had talked about marriage a LOT and knew we both were heading in that direction. I just like to take some time to soak things in and we really did not want the additional pressure of wedding decisions/planning when we were trying to get used to living with each other for the first time.
Post # 9
I moved in with my BF before getting engaged because we new we wanted to take that next step toegther. We were together for three years at the time and, to us, the next step was moving in- not getting engaged. We both knew that we wanted to get married and that moving in would lead to that but we didnt feel the need to rush it all at once. If we are going to spend the rest of our lives together than why not spread things out a bit? I am indifferent either way… looking back I am really glad we waited, not because he was different once we moved in together but now I feel so much closer to him and we understand each other much more.
Post # 10
We moved in before being engaged because we wanted to, plain and simple.
We moved in together after dating for 6 years (4 of which were long distance.) He proposed a year after moving in together (year 7) and we are getting married after 8 (this fall). We moved in together without being engaged for a number of reasons. We knew we would get engaged shortly thereafter and would marry. He was finishing medical school and did not have the means to propose but we did not want to hold up starting the rest of our lives together any longer. We also spent pretty much all of our time during evenings together and he essentially stopped living at his apartment about six months before he moved in. So, it just seemed right and made sense.
And I should mention that the proposal was still very exciting and special and was something totally new and different to be excited about.
Post # 11
Well we started living together soon after we got together. We just knew we belong together. We were both still in college and it was easier for us to stay together than live apart.
Plus we both thought that living together is a great way to really get to know eachother on another level and see if we could handle all of our moods, things you nessesaraly don’t find out unless you spend a great deal of time together.
We just got engaged after over 3 years. He had to save up money, and get over his bachelorhood. He has a real job and has grown up. I graduated college and looking for a job in between graduate school.
I was ready long before he admitted he was. So i guess the answer is we loved eachother, wanted to be together, wanted to find out who eachother really were, and save up- that is why we lived together before the engagement!
Good luck with everything!
P.S. we still are excited about living together and planning our marrage, so for us the excitement factor is not lost!
(sorry it is long and I can’t spell!)
Post # 12
My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under a year and a half, and are moving in together on July 1st (just a couple weeks away!), and we are beyond thrilled about it. We got very serious very quickly when we started dating, so although we talked about getting a place together maybe 4 or 5 months into our relationship, the timing wasn’t right. Both of our leases were up for renewal and although we were 99% sure that we wanted to live together, we agreed that a few more months of dating was ideal. We knew that "a few more months" of dating time, due to requisite year-long leases, really meant over a year of waiting, but we wanted to wait, rather than jump into it too early and regret it.
That’s also how we feel about getting engaged. We talk about marriage, family, and "our [future] wedding" on a constant (read: near daily) basis, but we prefer to take things a step at a time. We’ll move in together in two weeks, and when the time is right, we’ll get engaged. By waiting to move in together, I expect our transition to living together to be easy because I’ve nearly lived at his place since January (when we were very, very ready to live together!).
My boyfriend is certainly the one to remind me that we need to "pace ourselves," and I’m glad he does. I push us to move forward, and he reigns us in to a reasonable pace. So, will moving in take away some of the excitement when he (someday) proposes? I don’t think so at all! We’ll just be that much closer and more sure of how well we work as a couple. I think we’ll just be *that* much more ready to get engaged!
Post # 13
I was ready to be engaged when I moved in, and ideally that’s how it would have played out, but either my hubby wasn’t quite ready, or he didn’t feel he had the money for getting married yet. I always imagined I’d be married before I moved in with my SO, but life took me to another path (as it often does for me lol) I moved in though because we were in a long distance relationship for 4 years and I was really getting stressed out with my home life and being away from each other, and he wasn’t happy either. We both knew we were the ones for each other though. We didn’t decide right away that I would move in, it took us a few months to be sure we were making the right decision, and I definitely don’t regret it! We ended up getting engaged 5 months after I moved in. I do admit though, being married feels mostly the same as living together. Not completely, and I still totally love saying "my husband" instead of boyfriend, but coming back from the honeymoon back to our apartment to our bedroom that we’ve all ready established definitely wasn’t new and exciting and climactic lol But, the proposal and the wedding day, everything was still exciting. I had no idea that my husband was planning the proposal even, 100% complete surprise, even though we live in the same place. In all honesty, we probably couldn’t even have afforded to have the wedding if we weren’t living together! I just don’t see how we would have had the money!
What about moving in but not sharing a room until you get married? Then you’d still have your own space, but only paying one rent, then after the wedding you could still combine things
Just take some time to decide so you don’t later say "I wish I would have done this differently." Do what truely feels right to you, which isn’t always the thing that’s most logical (I gave up a full tuition scholarship to be with hubby). You’ll make the right choice though, if you just do what you feel is right.
Post # 14
My FI and I knew we were ready to move in together only four months after we started dating. We knew we were "it" for each other; however, we weren’t ready to get engaged just yet. Yeah, I agree, it doesn’t make sense. I hate when people say we were just "playing house" because that was not the case at all. We moved in together two months ago (after dating for 7 1/2 months) and it was just the natural thing to do. By then we had already been to a jewlers to look at rings and I knew he wanted to have something made for me and it would take a bit—so engagement was on the horizon. It ended up taking three months from the time we went to the jewelers to the day he proposed (this past Sunday!). All this time though we have just felt already engaged. We were committed to each other completely, even before we were living together. I guess when you know it’s the right time you just know. Now it’s just officially on display that I will be a Mrs. 😀
Post # 15
Oh, I forgot to tell you, even though I knew a ring was coming — eventually — when he asked me I was still surprised and elated beyond belief! There were tears everywhere and smiles galore!
Post # 16
I am going to offend some people I am sure, but I think moving in together is a terrible thing to do out of convenience. I think it should be a very deliberate choice made irregardless that it is "cheaper" or you are out of a lease.
I refused to live with Mr Mini until we were engaged (even when his parents were pushing big time because they wanted to sell the property he was renting from them). I think you should stick with it because I agree that the engagement doesn’t have the same excitement if you are already "practically married". I think living together does take away from the engagement.
I am moving in with Mr Mini now that we are engaged and prior to the wedding because we are in a position to buy a house, and we have been living 3 hours apart since he moved away for his new (better) job.