(Closed) IL probs continued…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

It sounds like she is trying to emotionally blackmail you two by putting more and more guilt on you.  Does she have a husband or someone that can mediate?  I am thinking she is alone, and is trying to call attention to herself since her son has decided to have his own life.   I would start paying her the money incrementally, and ignore her theatrics as much as possible.  The more you reward her behavior with attention be it negative or positive, the more she will continue.  If she sees no reaction, it may curtail some of it.

Post # 5
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I would ay the difference between the bill you paid, and the money you “owe” her. She may refuse the money though. She sounds like a *peach* to deal with, hopefully things get better. There is always at least one of them in a family….

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, I’m so sorry.  She sounds terrific.  Has she only started this, “pay me back” business when you came into the picture?  Or has she always done some of this with her kids?  Parents do a ton for their kids, and a lot is financial.  But you don’t really expect your kids to pay you back.  That’s part of being a parent.  But if they arranged that he could just get a loan from her for college, that’s a different story.  But it sounds like she wants to charge him for all of the cornflakes he ate when he was 8.

I’d like to say maybe you or your FI could try to disarm her by really talking her and asking her what she is nervous about.  Have you ever heard that anger is really the manifestation of another emotion?  (I think that might be Dr. Phil or something.)  Well I can totally see that in myself.  And almost always when I get angry, it is because I’m mervous about something.  I’m nervous I’ll be late… so I get road rage on the way, etc.  I’m nervous my child will fail a test…so I get mad they’re not studying, etc.  You said she’s worried you will take her son away.  Is there something you (and/or FI) can do to assure her she will still be involved in your lives?  (I know it’s hard when she’s being difficult.)  Just something to think about. 

Post # 8
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you should give her some money.  Like if he borrowed 30K and paid 15K off her credit card, give her the other 15K.  I think that it would be worth it for the peace of mind of knowing you don’t owe her anything.  I still don’t understand why he is paying her back, considering that his grandparents gave him the money.  Am I missing something?

Maybe try to deal with things as they happen instead of being nice to her, then letting it build up.  Like, the next time she brings up the school money just whip out the check book, ask her if she thinks 15K is fair and write the check (if you have the money of course).  Don’t let her talk you out of it, she is just doing that so that she can keep bringing it up.  Give her the check and if she doesn’t cash it, thats her own fault.  Then, if she brings up the hotel, nicely but firmly say “you were welcome to stay at our house that weekend but you choose not to, that means it’s your responsibility to pay for the hotel yourself”

This woman sounds like my ex’s Mom, she was great at the guilt trips and felt like he owed her for raising him.

Post # 10
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, that’s a tough situation.  I feel for ya!

I think if it were me, even if it hurts my pride, I’d feel a need to continue to reach out a little bit more.  If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.  But at least your FI knows you did the right thing, you were the bigger person.  In the end, assuming it doesn’t work and she can’t be cordial to you, you still have to remain polite because even if you FI doesn’t have a close relationship with her, its him Mom and he may get upset if you show any signs of disrespect (not that you would!)

Post # 11
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry that you have so much to deal with!  I know from experience that his type on MIL (or even FIL) can be a complete drain on you and FI, as well as your relationship. 

There is a book call Toxic Parents that suggest you read if you get a chance.  It’s very enlightening.

A few points:

  • You cannot reason with unreasonable people.  Period.  She will always win.  It won’t get through and she won’t see her “wrongs”
  • At all times you and FI must create a united front for her.  You two have to make a plan about consulting each other before decisions are made or plans and promises get set in stone.  Without that, MIL will find a crack and drive a wedge between you two.  It happened to me.
  • Do everything in your power to free yourselves of guilt – if you two decide you owe her $$, pay it.  If you feel like you should make another effort, make it.  Once you are doing or have done what you can, the ball is in her court and all you can do at that point is be polite and leave the door open for her to make an effort.
  • Your FI will feel loyal to her at some level – so vent to WB instead of him sometimes.
  • Establish boundries for the MIL with FI and stick to them.  What are you willing to ignore and what things will you address / not allow? 

Hang in there.  ((((((HUGS))))))

Post # 13
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

That’s all too bad, Pendola.  I think I feel most sorry for your FMIL.  I don’t think she sees how she’s ruinging her future with her family.  It’s really sad.  You can already tell with the way your Fi doens’t really care to have “quality alone time with her”.  It doesn’t sound like she can eve nsee that, if she thinks you are jealous of her. 

Cry

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