ILs paying for all siblings except Fiancé.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @Luvadovedove:  I see this is your DEBUT Post… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Etiquette Snob here… lol

So your Question is…

Is this a SNUB or not ?

I see from your post that your Wedding is one month after his Sisters… to be honest 2 Weddings in a year can be tough for a family (not sure who picked their date first & who second, but that is a moot point now, as what is done is done).  It can be more of a Financial burden when THEY BOTH ARE DESTINATION WEDDINGS

I am going to say that you won’t know if it is a SNUB against you until your own Wedding and discover what His Parents did for his Sister

Maybe the Parents have decided as BOTH of you chose to have Destination Weddings that the FAIR thing is to pay for everyone else to attend them… as the “Guests” didn’t make these choices, and the Parents want as many people as possible in their Extended Family there to support you all.

So what they do for one… they’ll do for the other.

Truth is sometimes Brides & Grooms choose Destination Weddings cause either they look as a fun way to combine the Wedding & the Honeymoon… or because they wish to save money on a BIG Reception.

BUT in reality, it can and does put more of a burden on the Guests that choose to attend… especially Family which feels even more OBLIGATED to be there.

Maybe Mom & Dad have figured seeing as you two couples have made such “a choice” that you need to carry some of the burden too… passive agressive for sure… but if they are going to do the same for your Sister coming to your Wedding… FAIR all the same.

If not… and they pay for the Newlyweds to attend your Wedding… then ya… you’ve been snubbed (sorry)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 4
Member
6869 posts
Busy Beekeeper

The only thing you can say is that you are not sure you will be able to swing the cost of attending this destination wedding, especially being that it is  so close to your own.  People who plan destination weddings take a significant  risk that people they hope to see will not be able to attend.  I would not connect the dots or ask the parents to fund you. 

The fact that they may think, justifiably or not, that  your H is in the best position among the siblings to afford this trip on his own should not enter into this.  It’s FILs business what they do with their money.

Post # 5
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @weddingmaven:  Good points…

And absolutely correct… someone SHOULD NEVER ask what others choose to do with their own money.  That is RUDE for sure.

I just stated how the OP would know for sure if she was being snubbed or not… what she hears thru “the grapevine” will tell her.

 

Post # 6
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Luvadovedove:  It would feel like a snub to me too, but like TTR said, you have to figure out of they are refusing to pay for SIL to attend your wedding too. If they aren’t paying for her its fair and I can understand, but if the do pay for her I would be extremely hurt. I wouldn’t bring it up though, let your FI do any talking he decides to do. You could always talk to them couple to couple and just mention that you are somewhat hurt, or even that ou are reall feeling the pinch and may not be able to afford it etc. There are tactful ways to talk to them if you decide to do so.

Post # 7
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Luvadovedove:  Is your wedding also a Destination? The PPs assumed it was but it isn’t clear in your post.

If it is a DW I agree with the other posters, I’d wait to see if the same stands for you SIL etc. However, as much as it sucks and doesn’t seem fair, it is there money and they can do as they please with it. You could talk to them about it, especially if it means your FI can’t currently afford to attend but I’m not sure it would make the situation better.

 

Post # 8
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Did they say why?  Ask them.

Post # 9
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hmmm… I don’t think you should ask them because it is not your business what others do with your money.

However, I think it would rub me the wrong way for sure. I have a simlar-ish situation with my future in laws and how they spend their money amongst their children. I don’t think my FI or I would ever bring it up with them though.

It just goes into the bank of knowledge, you know?

I would be lying if I said it doesn’t affect how my FI and I feel about them. But we treat them the same regardless.

Post # 10
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I don’t know the whole story, but here is my advise. Maybe just mention that you two have a lot of expense coming up, and if they could help with the expense it would be really helpful and you two would appreciate it.

Post # 11
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I would probably be upset. But my parents always treated us (my brother & I the same). what they did for one, they did for the other. so for something like that to happen to us would be weird and off. 

 

Post # 12
Member
6869 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@This Time Round:   I saw reference to only the sister’s DW in the OP, unless it was edited by the time I posted.   If there were two DWs, what you say could be a  possibility in terms of the parent’s motivations.  

Even  if there is only one,  as I was assuming,  I’m not sure we could know enough to know that this was meant as a snub as much as an evaluation, fair or unfair, of whether or not the OP could afford the trip better than his siblings.  If the OP and her FI have good jobs and better salaries than the others,  the parents may not be looking much past that.

Post # 13
Member
6869 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@FoxyBride14:  Sometimes it makes sense, but I don’t necessarily believe in always treating children the same, at the same time. Maybe one child needs more this year. Maybe the parents are contributing to the OP’s wedding but not this  DW.  To each according to need and ability or willingness,  but these things are  never an entitlement.  Siblings are not always aware of the whole story on the other end, either.  

Again, I’m not addressing the “fairness” of this specific situation since we aren’t seeing  the full picture. For all I know it’s blatant favoritism or a message of disapproval.  Hopefully not! 

Post # 14
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you can’t afford to go – and they won’t pay… don’t go…

don’t say anything to them either even tho its weird it isn’t your place.

sorry =[

Post # 15
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@freshflowers:  I think you mean their money, not your money.

@alishaloo:   

It’s funny to me how people say not to ask.  It’s your *parents* not a stranger, or even a friend.  I talk with my parents about all sorts of stuff.  My parents are pretty big believers in treating us equally, so if they suddenly didn’t, I’d want to know why, before resentment at my siblings built up.

Post # 16
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@kay01:  Hah, yeah. THEIR money. If others are spending YOUR money then I have the opposite advice. It would very much be your business! lol

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