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okay, can't speak from my own experience, but my BM's experience may prove the rule...it's the opposite - where a good relationship with ILs turned bad. BM has had issues with her ILs (mostly her MIL) post baby, to the point that BM is annoyed with MIL everytime she sees her. BB (before baby), BM & MIL got along just fine; in fact, they were often on the same side in opinions & discussions - about the wedding, about BM's hubby, etc. As soon as BM got preggers, both her own mom & MIL got a little overprotective: BM's mom wanted her to eat all this Chinese cabbage to ensure she'd have a boy; MIL gave BM bags & bags of peanuts because it's supposed to help increase the baby's intelligence. BM let slide off her back, owing to the fact that hers would be the first grandchild on both sides. Fast forward to AB (after baby), and while BM's mom has laid off & kind of follows BM's lead on how to act around baby, MIL is just a pain to BM. When MIL comes to visit, she'll try to mess with baby's sleep schedule & wake her up to play with her...which causes baby to be incredibly fussy for the rest of the day...even though MIL knows baby's schedule & always arrives too late to play with her. MIL will feed baby foods that upset her stomach, saying that baby has to get used to them. MIL would argue with BM's method of teaching/sleep training/potty training baby, to the point that BM refuses to discuss these topics with her & has expressly told her hubby not to mention anything on the subject with his mom...he agrees, to keep the peace. So maybe her reverse situation would be like saying a bad IL relationship turns better after baby?
I think that what probably makes a HUGE difference is if you live up to their expectations with how you parent the child. How reasonable that is I guess depends on the ILs. I am somewhat sympathetic to ILs in general because I don't like my bro's fi so I guess I'd be the SIL she'd be bitching about :) I know they plan to have a kid in 2 years and thats so scary to me. I WANT to be close to any nieces or nephews I have... but I foresee issues. If she is miraculously a really good mom then yea, I could see my opinion changing and I'd say that'd really help my opinion of her. However I think the more likely scenario is that she (they) will be as irresponsible in parenting as they have been in other aspects of their life at which point I see me just being that much more pissed that they brought kids into it.
I'm sorry to hear about your BM Ms.Pascua. She has a very smart idea of limiting what they tell MIL. And I would say MIL is lucky that BM allows her to wake the baby up especially when it seems like her running late is her norm. I would not tolerate that for long. Either she can learn to not be late or she misses out.
Parents expectations are a huge factor I feel, corgi, at every stage in your life. With marriage, it's how you run your house. My old boss' MIL would rearrange everything in the kitchen every time she visited. Everything was moved to the MIL's liking. And with a kid, it's a BTDT thing. Just because you did it 40 years ago doesn't make it legal now.
It got worse for my mom after she had me and my brother. My dad's mom never liked her in the first place (she was part korean and from a poor family and she didn't like that) but after she had us, she just hated my mom more, criticizing her for not keeping a clean house for her son (my dad worked/owned a business, my mom was a SAHM) and she used to walk around the house with white gloves and tsk-tsk, tell my mom she wasn't raising us proper and she'd sigh and make audible noises if we cooed or made noises, telling my mom babies/children should be seen and not heard. I grew up witnessing a very, very tense relationship between them and thinking Gma needed to just lay off. She would use us as a way to try to get between my mom and dad, grossly exaggerating stories. Once Gma took me shopping for my birthday (12, 13, somewhere in there) and i picked out a dress and a skirt set (you know, a skort! lol) and she wouldn't get it for me and told my mom i was wanting to dress slutty and inappropriately and blah blah blah, so when I showed mom the outfits I picked out, mom was LIVID because Gma was saying all these things about how my mom wasn't raising us well when my dad wasn't around. My mom asked my dad's mom to not wear too much hairpsray, perfume, dangly earrings, or pancake makeup around me when i was a newborn for the first month (she didn't want anybody holding me that had stuff all over their faces basically--she said her pediatrician told her this) and my Gma always came over fully made up and wouldn't hold me.
So things got worse for my mom. It was really scary to watch and just very overwhelming. I'm already preparing for my mom to be overwhelming and "do it this way, this is how I did it!" even though obviously times have changed! Poor DH, lol.
I love my in laws, but they can be very oppinionated and overbearing at times. My MIL was pretty good during wedding planning, and I know that part of it is excitement since she had two boys and no girls. But she has oppinions on things that we do (wedding stuff, house stuff, mortgage stuff, baby stuff) which she tends to voice in a pretty passive way. Sometimes after the fact, so we couldn't change it if we wanted to.
I know that my in laws are going to be so excited to have a grandchild, and that they will be great grand parents. But I am a little worried about the decisions that hubs and I make. Over all I think things will stay the same, good but with some tense/frustrating moments.
oh my! I try to keep the peace, but someone waking up my baby bc they are late would cause a MAJOR confrontation, probably including me kicking her out of my house...not kidding. Honestly, the DH needs to lay down the law with these out of control MILs...craziness.
To you question, I have not heard of this phenomenon. In some cases, I would hope the grandparents would keep the peace to ensure they saw their grandbabies. But, let's be honest, a decent size chunk of our population is flat our rude/mean or crazy, so I guess there are always going to be SOME that don't care about their grandkids at all. My relationship with ILs has gotten a little worse since being pregnant, but I think some of the strain started during the week of the wedding...they are just less organized/punctual and more blunt than me.
I think my relationship with my in-laws got better after Addie was born. Not that our relationship was terrible to begin with, but it definitely wasn't what I would call easy going or comfortable. My in-laws just came to visit for a couple weeks, and it was actually better than it usually is. Sure they gave me unwanted advice and tried to wake up the baby to play with her, but so did my own mom, lol. :) I think its just part of the grandparent protocol.
Anyway, we mostly got along great during this visit (until the very end) which is pretty unusual for us. They even left me a card and an Amazon gift card thanking me for giving them a beautiful granchild. I was really touched by that; they've never done anything like that before.
You were one of the bees that came to mind when I considered writing this post, Mrs. Spring. Well I hope you are who I was thinking of with the FIL issues!
I've read the phrase "They'll get better when we have kids" in Toxic In-Laws and Susan Forward says it's a myth. It's always something in the future that will make them better: the engagement, a wedding, a house, a baby, etc. A friend who has had IL probs since day 1 of their relationship said that phrase and my teeth clinched.
I've seen both scenarios. I have a friend who had a tumultuous relationship with her in-laws. Always had. But when her daughter was born, things got better. It's her assumption that the in-laws decided to give her less of a hard time for fear that she wouldn't let them visit or spend time with their granddaughter. I'd resent the change in tude being just for that reason, but she's fine with so hey- whatever works. And I also know someone who never had a problem with their in-laws, until their children got a little older. When ways in which to discipline the child started to get challenged, things got hairy.
So, I guess it can go either way. But I'm pretty sure the dynamic changes no matter what the relationship is like, and whether the grandparents choose to take an active role in the grandchilds life or not.
A baby won't fix a bad relationship, whether it be a marriage or your ILs. :) Babies don't fix things, they just complicate them more!
@mrstilly: YOU LITERALLY took the words out of my mouth.
@ pendola - Oh, I have definitely had FIL issues in the past! But I was pleasantly surprised by my in-laws' recent visit. I think that, for them, having a grandchild by me somehow bonds them to me... you know, a blood is thicker than water type of thing. Not that this is true of every relationship, but for my in-laws and me, having a baby bonded us together. I think they consider me more like family now, and that has definitely changed their attitudes toward me.
I've never heard the phrase before, and while I get along with my MIL, I can already see there may be issues in the future with kids. My MIL basically let my DH and my BIL run free in their childhood. My DH learned a lot of respect and discipline in high school, he went to a private Catholic school, but my BIL did not. My BIL has 0 manners and no discipline. I am already terrified of my future children spending a few weeks with her and her undoing all of my hard work regarding manners, politeness, etc. Lol. Since kids aren't on the horizon for a while, I guess I will deal with it when it happens.
@pendola: trust me, BM does NOT accept the waking of the baby. Most recently, she basically had her DH take them out of the house until she called to let him know that the baby was up...MIL was NOT happy about it; used the whole "but, see, she's fine...why couldn't we spend more time with her? Now we have to leave," argument. I pity the DH. He's between a rock & a hard place.
@cannotwait: about DHs laying down the law...that's the thing with BM's MIL: her DH has never been able to "control" his mother. Neither has FIL...I think, being the only female in the house, she was allowed to get her way/the guys just let her be to keep the peace. Now that BM is trying to raise her own kid, MIL wants her own way & isn't getting for the first time. For some reason, MIL was totally fine with BM running her own wedding & setting up her own house, but now that the baby is here, not so much.
My MIL is not interested in seeing the baby. DH is more frustrated with it than I am, I'm happy not to have to see her. Not that I don't like her, but she is quite the drama queen.
In my experience, people seem to assume that giving advice regarding parenting is always ok and that whatever they are saying is always the only right advice. So I would think that having a baby would actually strain a relationship rather than strengthen it. I know that my ILs were driving me CRAZY when we visited with the baby. She was sleeping and they kept flicking the soles of her feet to wake her up and pinching her cheeks. All I could think was "Would you like ME to wake you up like that??" Grr. And she was fussy for the rest of the day. Plus I had to ask everyone to wash their hands and more than one person rolled their eyes and sighed. Come on people, you are DIRTY and I don't want your dirt on my daughter. Treat her like a piece of white silk!
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A statement that I often hear and read is that IL's who you have had problems with will get better after having their grandkid but I think it is a myth.
Those of you that had IL problems before the wedding and after the wedding, how are things post baby? Are they the same, better or worse?
Also I read posts on another board where the IL's don't really care to visit the newborn; they literally claim they have better things to do. I get things happen and some have different levels of grandparents that they want to be but not wanting to see your grandkid for a year? Some of the girls experiencing this had issues with the IL's during wedding planning.