(Closed) I’m 21 with a sex drive at absolute zero.

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh yeah I’ve been there.  I have all kinds of health problems, low sex drive being one of them.  For me it was caused by depression and then when I got on meds for it, it became even worse.  It’s gotten a little better over time though now that I don’t pressure myself to have an amazing experience every time.  I would talk to your doctor about it (as embarassing as that can be)  mine had some solutions to try based on my specific condition.  It’s definitely worth it.

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m 22 by the way and it started at 21 so you’re not alone.

Post # 5
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I go through this too!  (22)  But I chalk it up to my weight and having so much to do allllll the time!

Post # 6
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

im right there with ya at 23…. next time im at my OB im gonna ask for help… ๐Ÿ™

Post # 8
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee

My BF and I have been together 2 years and still haven’t had sex. We are both low sex drive people. It’s just how were were wired, so don’t think anything is wrong with you. I’m 24, he is 30. Sometimes people just go through this. 

We are both on anti-depressants which could cause our low drive, but before I was on them, I didn’t have sex either. It’s never been a priority for me.

I would suggest talking to your OB or your regular doc. They will definitely be able to help you think of something to help.

Post # 9
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You might want to look into switching birth control if you can.  I was similar to you in that I just didn’t really feel like having sex that often when I was in my early – mid 20s.   I never connected the birth control to this feeling, but once I went off BC, I discovered a sex drive I never knew I had.   I know you say you’ve been on it for more than a year but things can change…. definitely worth discussing with you doc.

Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I just turned 22 and have virtually no sex drive either. We’re saving it for marriage (3 months baby!) but still do… stuff. ๐Ÿ˜‰ But I get the interest for it like, maybe once a month. And it’s really frustrating! And when we do what we do, I agree — I enjoy the closeness, but don’t really get anything out of it. I have to keep my eyes shut or else I get distracted and my mind starts to wander, haha! It’s not that I don’t find him attractive or sexy, it’s just not a big deal to me. Though, after mentioning it to him, I found that if he slows down and takes time to do the specific things that I like, I’m in heaven. ๐Ÿ™‚ So maybe you guys could try something different, something that you really enjoy? It might be an awkward conversation that requires a lot of direction or whatever, but if you have it once it might make things a lot better! Just a guess!

Post # 12
Member
3640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@SouthernGirl: I think that wanting to want sex is the first step. ๐Ÿ™‚

Did you ever read one of the Bee’s posts about…”Twister”? I think..it was possibly Mrs Cheese.

Basically she said that it can help to just “do it”, even if you don’t feel like it and then you will feel like it once you get into it.

Have you tired starting by yourself?

Or reading/watching things. Sometimes it takes a great mental effort to think about sex and wanting it before you are in the mood. Or asking FI to start early in the day ie texting sexy things, to build it up?

Again, wanting to want it is the first step. Sometimes I think these things just come and go.

Post # 14
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think for women getting to that point where they want to initiate can take awhile, both on a day to day basis AND a while in the relationship.  I’ve been in mine for a long time and still prefer him to initiate, even if I’m really, really in the mood.  I hate to admit there are times when I’m frankly so tired it takes a long time to care whether we do or just go to sleep.  A woman’s libido is tied a lot more into her emotional state, making it harder to feel aroused, even if you’re trying, when stressed, tired, over worked, sick, on any new medications, new exercise regimes…etc – a lot is going on in your body and in your mind, and for woemn, arousal is more in the mind than for men.

I don;t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with a low libido, as long as you and your SO can cope with probable different ‘go’ times.  Also, if the woamn ever feels she’s ‘taking too long’, it can cause stress, making it virtually impossible to enjoy sexual contact – I call it performance anxiety for women.  Men are supposed to be able to hold out for a long time – women are expected to go off like a firecracker prety quickly – both these expectations can hurt the actual sexual experience. 

I agree that ladies with sisues feeling aroused might not yet have found exactly what they need to get there, and to enjoy sex.  What works for one person won’t necesarialy work for you – like some women are crazy multi-orgasmic who can enjoy almost anything from any angle – I personally, sorry if it’s TMI, need face to face contact, I need to feel clean (fresh out of the shower) and have at least enough energy that I could run around the block to enjoy myself.  Otherwise, I can be a crock pot, slow to heat up. 

I’d reccomend that the OP and other like her spend a bit more time… exploring what they like and don’t like about sex, and try their best to communicate what works and doesn’t with the partners.  Some guys figure because ex-girlfrind #2 liked it in the bathtub, ALL women like it in the bath tub, or however.   Since all women (and men) are built diffrently both physically and mentally, that’s just not true. 

I think the libido, like anyhting else, can be trained a bit, and exercises to help it out would include taking some time alone, finding a book or website wih erotic stories, and read a few of them until you WANT sexual contact, from yourself or your partner.  Take a warm bath with lots of jasmine scents, do the silly thing and light a bunch of candles.  Experiment with some toys on your own, you might find that your partner has been close to ding what you need, but that the target is actually 5 millimeters to the left.  Then, once you’ve figured out how your body works the best, take his ands or whatever next time you’re close, and show him what you need.  It won’t offend him, and he might like it. 

Also, a perpetual low lbido could ahve some medical causes, like depression, or other medications you might be taking, even OTC meds.  Some allergy meds make things uncomfortable without a little extra hlpe from KY thanks to their dehydrating effect – no matter how much you’re in the mood, if you’re taking something that alters your body’s responses, you’ll need some extra help. 

Post # 15
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I will agree with Tickle. The fake it till you make it tactic an actually help. Sometimes I’m preoccupied with life and stress but if I just do it anyways, soon into it I’m wanting to actually do it. I’m sorry you don’t have too many options when it comes to your bc. Definitely talk to your doctor. I was on the pill for almost a year then I switched to the ring. I got off it because it destroyed my sex drive after my body got saturated with the garbage. It just slowly became worse and worse over the year. There is nothing wrong with having a low sex drive. But you said you used to WANT to have sex with him earlier in your relationship. My guess is a combination between all the stressors in your life and the bc could be giving you the double whammy. Or maybe you guys just need to get creative? I know if we do things the same way a couple times in a row I get bored and can’t respond. I’m not suggesting you do anything crazy if you aren’t comfortable. But there is something to be said about creativity. I hope you’re able to work things out.

Post # 16
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know how you feel. I’m younger than you and I just don’t enjoy it. Honestly, if my dh and I weren’t ttc we would probably have sex 3 times a month. Sex has been feeling like a chore the past 6 months and I can’t wait until I’m actually pregnant.

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