- 5 years ago
So I turn 36 today. Closer to 40 than 30. Don’t joke, this is seriously hitting me so hard. Two days ago I majorly overreacted (I mean I had reason to be annoyed, maybe even a little pissed, but instead I LOST IT) and gave Fiance the ring back. He came home from 12 hours of work last night to me, half way through my second cocktail and sobbing. Watched every sad movie I have. Listened to hours of classical music (I love the sad stuff). I was a puddle. What is wrong with me?!
All the sudden I’m obsessed with the end of everything. My oldest starts his junior year in high school on Monday. Less than 2 years and he’ll be out of the house. And then bsacially every 2-3 years after that I’ll lose another kid. And I know I’m not really losing them, but I’m telling you it’s heart wrenching to think that they won’t be in the house anymore.
My grandma, my last living grandparent is, I can’t even say it. Her lungs are failing. She’s constantly on oxygen, but her lungs aren’t getting it into her blood stream. My dad is seriously overweight, HBP, I know he’s taking meds to try and avoid type 2 diabetes. He had prostate cancer last year, but luckily that’s supposedly been taken care of, but who really knows? Nobody, that’s who. Nobody knows what’s going to happen.
I know everyone over 40 will be rolling their eyes at me. I get it. I’m only 36. I’m trying to see the bright side here, but it is way too cloudy right now. I feel like my youth ended today. *sigh* Fiance wants to make this a great birthday where I have so much fun! I want to sleep all day and avoid everyone and everything. I want to snap out of it and see all the wonderful, beautiful things in my life, I really do. My stupid brain is being an asshole right now. I mourn my youth. Don’t squander time…that is the stuff life is made of. (A little Gone With the Wind there) I have squandered YEARS!
So my amazing Fiance comes home to this train wreck of a woman. Kisses me, hugs me, cries with me because I look so pitiful I’m breaking his heart. He put the ring back on my ringer. I have no idea what I ever did to deserve him. God, I can’t wait til this is over, I hate being a sappy, sobbing pile of mush!