Weddingbee boards

Ok ladies.. even though Im still waiting I am torn on a subject and I need honest opinions. This is not an easy subject for me so I wanted to turn to the hive first.

Back in 2005 my sister got married in Memphis Tn. She has always been a label person (please dont take this as me knocking on label people because im not)... so she chose to have a Vera Wang wedding. Her dress and all her bridesmaids were Vera. Well it ended up she had all of the siblings (her and her fiances) except for me in her wedding. She told me she didnt feel I was apart of her daily life so she didnt feel it right to have her own sister.. yet she had 14 bridesmaids. She told my mom it was really because I was too big (I was a size 16 at the time) and A- it would throw of the aesthetics of the wedding and B- vera's dresses wouldnt fit me. She told me that she wanted me and my step sister to hand out programs for her almost 600 guests. I told her no thanks.. and i felt it was an insult to me. 

Long story short I went after my mom pretty much forced me to go.. and I ended up wearing a pageant dress which was black and turquoise. I felt if I was going to go.. I was going to make a statement. I had people left and right asking me why I was not in the wedding party all night and I had to reply "she didnt feel like I was important enough..". Talk about a kick in the gut over and over again. So now that I know my wedding is coming up.. I have been thinking of bridal party. My sister and I still dont have a very good relationship, although since she had kids almost two years ago it has gotten a bit better. On one hand I feel like I should be the better person and ask her.. but there is still a bit of vengefulness in me that says I should tell her the same thing she told me.. she can hand out programs.

Ladies I need your help!

I would try to base your decision on how you feel about her and your relationship NOW. not based on past events (although what she did to you was really crappy, and you deserve to be hurt about it, for sure).   If you WANT her to be in your wedding, and if you think having her in your wedding will make the day more meaningful to you, then ask her.  If having her in your wedding isn't going to make you happy, then you shouldn't.  I doubt she's EXPECTING to be in the ceremony.  The day is about surrounding yourself with people you love and people who will enhance your joy.

Do you have other children in the family?  Maybe her kiddos could be in the wedding, and then you could feel like you are including her....and maybe it will help continue to improve your relationship.  But again, if you don't want her kids in your wedding, don't feel obligated.

I think it depends.  I wouldn't want to stir up trouble if it were me, so I voted "other".  I think you probably should try to be the bigger person, but you should not have her in the party.  So I would try to find a way to exclude her without being as obviously mean about it as she was.  So say you have three best friends- just choose those three and no one else, that way you can gracefully say "Oh, I'm just having my three best friends- the four of us are inseparable!" or something.  If you also have a big party and it's something like all your sisters except her, your friends, a cousin or two, and you dog walker, but you still exclude your sister it will look classless.  Don't ask her to pass out programs or anything passive aggressive like that.  The best revenge is showing everyone that you are better than her.  Think about it- do you want people to come away from your wedding thinking that you were a beautiful, elegant, kind and classy bride, or do you want them to come away feeling awkward and uncomfortable because you used your wedding to dredge up old hurts and get your revenge.

Like I said- you don't have to have her in the wedding party.  I don't think I would have her in my party if it were me either.  However, don't make a big show about it.  Just pick a small party of people who mean a lot to you, and don't do anything to emphasize that your sister is not there.  Don't go around telling the story, and don't try to publicly humiliate her (as tempting as it may be!)

Bridal party members are {theoretically} those people that are closest to you.  You and your sister =/= close, therefore I wouldn't ask her.  I personally wouldn't want someone like that sharing the most intimate time in my life.  And in my opinion, it has nothing to do with "being the bigger person," it comes down to the people that mean the most to you, and it would seem that your sister isn't one of those people (which is totally fine lol,  I don't want that to come off as a bad thing lol).

Thank you bees so much for your honest advice. I wouldnt say our relationship is anywhere near perfect now but it has gotten alot better.. although she still has not and I dont think ever will apologize for what she did. It still hurts and its still something I resent.. and honestly I think its something I will always resent.. because being the youngest and the only sibling left out, pretty much tore my heart out. My SO doesnt think I should have her in the wedding but in a sense I feel like by not having her in my wedding im doing the same thing to her she did to me (even though it probably wouldnt affect her the way it affected me).

 I only have two older sisters and a brother and my SO only has a younger brother.. so the girls I would have would be my best friend, my sisters, and four of my So's and my very good friends. (So  it would be 7 girls total.. I know a pretty big wedding party for only 75-80 guests).

I think you should ask her if all your other siblings are in the party. I think much more internal damage can be done just by being the bigger person. I would keep  her at a distance though. Definitely let her know its not her wedding and she's just there for your support.

That's horrible! I am so sorry that she did that to you, Ren!

I would not include her in your bridal party. I don't see this as a rengeful thing. To me, I only wanted people who cared about FI and I in the bridal party. I feel like your bridesmaids should be there to support you, not cause you stress or sadness. Don't include her in the bridal party, but ask her if she would like to hand out programs (kidding, sorta :))

I agree with a couple of the PP that you should base your decision on how your feel about your sister NOW, and also on whether or not it would be a step backward in your relationship with her if you did not include her.  I personally do not believe in "an eye for an eye" when it comes to family.  I think only you can make this decision, but definitely include her only if you feel that she is one of the women you want to honor by having them stand and support you on your day.  If you don't feel that your sister is capable of that, then don't include her, but perhaps make sure it is clear to her that it's not to "get back at her".  You should be honest with her that you still feel hurt about her not including you.

You do realize though.. if you don't include your stster, everyone is going to ask HER why she wasn't in the wedding party... I mean, I would just hate to have you look bad.  Although, "because my sister is an evil witch who didn't have me in her bridal army because she thought I wouldn't look good in the dress" is a pretty good reason. :)

how about a compromise: include her kids in your wedding party.  That way, she can still be a part of the "wedding party" events but won't be so close to you as to cause drama with the decisions.  And if anyone asks why you didn't include her with the bridesmaids, you can offer a reasonable answer like "Since I asked her kids to be my flowergirls/ringbearers, I didn't want to over burden her...you know how hard it is to be a mom of two little ones."  Plus your mom can't fault you for including her grandkids, right?  Good luck & keep us posted!