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Wow. I can't believe she didn't talk to you and stuck you with all that work! I did all my crafts myself....nobody cares as much about my wedding as me, you know? Especially people with serious full time jobs. Maybe you could find a nice way to talk to her about this? That way it won't weigh your relationship down.
@Birdie Love: Noooo :( That really blows. I'm sorry! You should tell her that it hurt to find out that way, but that you are still really excited for her and can't wait for the wedding.
That gives her a chance to say something a later point, but not put pressure on her right then.
EDIT: Even still, that's terrible.
I don't want to vent on your vent thread...but I feel your pain, sister. The advice I've gotten is to quit offering to help and to do things, which completely goes against my nature (and it sounds like yours, too). I haven't gotten to the point where I'm going to say anything because I'm a wimp, but I think it's fair in your position to speak to her. :( I'm sorry you're going through this!
awww thats not right! she is lucky to have you... my MOH hasnt helped with one thing! :( thats just makes me sad.... you can come be my MOH.... ill even put it in the program!! lol
Oh, no! That's terrible. I'm sorry she's not treating you very well. Make sure you tell her when you don't have time for things, or are unavailable to help. A good friend should understand that you've got a life outside her wedding.
Weird she did that but if you were just a bridesmaid, would you have not done these things?
I feel your pain date twin. :) I was in the same position in a friend's wedding, but at least she told me that her sister would be MOH and I would be honorary MOH. Basically that meant that like you, I got to do all the work of an MOH without the title or attention. I honestly don't know how you're doing all this with your own wedding 45 days away.
Props to you.
Personally I am a very upfront person and I would definitely bring it up. I would say "Its weird I thought I was the MOH.. I guess I must have misunderstood you when you asked me"
Now that's pretty damn low! I wouldn't be able to hold onto that until after the wedding. It would be different if she didn't ASK you to be the MOH and you didn't accept. Now it's like she asked just so that she could get you to do most of the work for her only to pull a bait and switch in the end. I wouldn't be able to do another arts and crafts project or wedding related project for her until we had it out.
@iloveflowers: Ah...good question. You know, it's kind of just in my nature to help with stuff, thankfully as I have gotten older I have been able to put up boundaries better. There is the part of me that knows if I didn't help her, there is a whole lot sh*t that would not have gotten done and part of that is, many of her friends are out of the country and her other friends are well, kind of flaky (and some have been acting like jealous jerks since she got engaged).
I'm taking a painting break right now. Thanks bees for letting me vent.
I think at this point I am going to wait until after the wedding to say something. It'll probably go along the lines of "Thank you for including in your special day....I had fun....one thing I was a bit confused about that I didn't want to mention right before the wedding...."
@SuperBrook: Hey date twin! Yes, every trip to Michael's to get stuff for their wedding I see things that i need to get for me own. I think what I have going for me is that I am WAY more organized that my friend. I am also more aware of deadlines and how long it may take to order things, or get the venue you want. I don't know how many times I heard from my friend "Oh, well, we wanted to use this, do that, but they're/it are already booked". I don't have a bridal party and several of my good friends are out of town and aren't able to help. So sometimes I feel like "Hey, when do I get to feel like a bride?" Ha...guess I'll feel like a bride on the wedding day!
If shes a good friend wouldnt you have helped anyway even if you knew you werent MOH? Im sure it wasnt a slight to you, sometimes there are family politics. Dont let it get you down :)
@mzlouis2b: Someone asked the same question. Yes, it's in my nature to help, so I would have helped regardless of title.
@Birdie Love: I feel like the real punch in the gut was also that she didn't have the balls to tell you up front that you were a bridesmaid and not the MOH.
As a woman who is VERY honest with her friends, I expect the same respect. Damn. I would be pissed too. Not to mention YOU are also trying to plan your own wedding.
Do you think she also did it so that you would help more?
@mzlouis2b: I think the issue the OP has is that the friend never told up upfront that she needed to make her sister the MOH (which, given how families can be, is understandable). The OP feels as if it was done behind her back and is feeling a little unappreciated.
I don't know that it is worth bringing it up now. Its kind of a moot point. But why are you doing ALL of this stuff for her? Planning the shower I get, but even as MOH, I don't see how you're obligated to do all of the DIY for your friend's wedding. Because she procrastinated? To be honest, if it were me, I would tell her that I have work and wedding planning on my plate and that I couldn't do all of this DIY crap for her. If she only works 10 hours a week let her do her own DIY for her own damn wedding!
@EmeraldR: I'm saying. I mean, I have a wedding too and sometimes when my friends need stuff I'm like "Uh, I'm doing my cupcake flags" Gotta put yourself first sometimes. I have been a BM before and I have helped out but I wouldn't even offer to be a BM now with my own wedding in the horizon. Except you need a BM who will just show up on that day. I ain't got time.
@bRooklynRocks: That makes sense. I think people just expect so much for their weddings.
I mean, I had my MOH help me stuff my invites and I have called to ask her opinion on a few things. And another bridesmaid came with me to the florist because she loves flowers. But I would never ask my BMs to do my DIY stuff for me, except maybe for a fun project for us to do together, but I wouldn't expect it. It seems way out of line to me to ask your MOH to do so much. My girls have already generously planned a bridal shower and bachelorette weekend, plus they paid for a dress and to get their hair done for the wedding. I am so grateful they are doing that much for my wedding!
Is it possible that there are two MOH's? That happens, sometimes. Either way, I'm sorry for your situation. I would be really hurt too.
This stinks. Can't you just ask her, "hey, I saw your sister is MOH on the timeline, did you change your mind?" Best to get it out in the open. I guess that was her sneaky way to let you know. If she is 16 and living in another country, how good a friend can she be to your friend who is getting married...I would think they wouldn't be very close. Anywho, sorry she did that and you help her so much. You sound like a great friend!!
I think my friend and her FH are grateful (lots of thanks, Starbuck's gift cards, etc.). I definitely think family dynamics played a role, and I get that, just tell me there has been a change! I can roll with changes when people are up front with me!
I agree with PP that said its moot now. So, I may or may not say something after the wedding. Maybe along the lines of "Is there something I did that caused you to change your mind?"
I'm feeilng better this morning about it all; FH is really bothered by this all for some reason. I guess he is just being protective of my feelings.
Thanks for letting me vent, bees!
I have a Maid of honor and a Matron of honor but my maid of Honor knows she is really the star (she picked the dresses and jewelry etc) wheras my matron of honor is my sister who I love dearly but who really isnt' interested in helping me put the wedding together....
Your friend seems to be taking advantage of you and I do feel like you're entitled to an explanation, but IS it possible that there are two people??
I wanted to follow up on my original post.
My friend's wedding was a BLAST! Even though her little sister was the MOH, a lot of stuff was still deffered to me the day of the wedding simply because all of the wedding party and bride and groom's family were from out of town. I do have to say, her sister gave such a lovely toast that no one other than her sister could give. I danced up a storm, drank lots of wine, teared up at their slide show set to '1234' by Feist, embarassed my FH when I tried to vogue with the bride and ate good food.
One of the best moments was at the rehearsal dinner when the bride's mother came up to me, gave me a big hug and said "Thank you for helping my daughter. Thank you SO much!" There's something about the gratitude coming from a mommy that just tickles your heart.
This past week my friend and her now husband gave us two very expensive gifts off our registry that we never thought in a million years we would get. When we told them they had been entirely too generous, they acknowledge that FH and I had done so much and were such an emotional support, that they wanted to thank us properly.
So, I had my mini-meltdown at home, vented on WB and to another friend and hindsight, I am glad I didn't say anyting.
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I am in a wedding this weekend. My friend several months ago asked me if I would be her Maid of Honor. I accepted enthusiastically. Since then, I have helped with favors, searching for BM dresses, helping with the decorations for the reception, throwing her a shower, doing the signs for all the reception tables, her card box and I even offered to pick up snacks the morning of the wedding for her and the other BM's since we're meeting several hours before the afternoon. I have given her my ear to bend, my shoulder to cry on and my insight.
Today I learned, via the timeline of the wedding day that she sent me, that her 16-year old sister is actually the MOH!!!!! WTF!?!?!?!?!
Okay. I know it's just a title. And her sister is a teen and lives in another country, so it is pretty much impossible for her to help with anything simply based on geography and finances. Her other BM lives out of the country as well and has never, never, ever offered to help with anything (that could feasibly be done on her end).
So, I am still up to my neck in crafts for my friend's wedding (did I mention I sometimes work 40+ hours a week and planning my own wedding while balancing everything else in life? And my friend works, oh 10 hours a week, but has procrastinated like crazy these past few months).
I could totally imagine that my friend's mother (who is paying for all of their wedding) telling my friend that "sisters are always MOHs," so why would anyone else get that title. And you know what? I would have been totally cool if she had come to me and explained that to me. Because it really is just a title. But did I have to find out on a damn timeline??
I think at this point I am feeling a bit like I have been taken advantage of or my work hasn't been and won't be fully appreciated (my FH says I am bordering on being almost like a paid consultant for their wedding I have done so much).
I doubt I will say anything to her at this point, but I may say something AFTER the wedding. I have also decided I am NOT going to get the snacks for the morning of the wedding. Yup, that's kind of petty, but my friend is off all this week, she has family and friends in town that can help her.
So, thank you for letting me vent. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't a big deal and there are far greater issues in the world. Now excuse me, I need to get back to painting table signs!