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About a month ago, a very close friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I know she was struggling with the guest list and trimmed it from about 250 to 150 guests. Last week I received the save the date and my heart dropped when I realized my boyfriend--who I live with, discuss life plans with and will in the not too distant future be engaged to--is not invited. She and I went to lunch the other day and she said that she's had to omit people's "significant others" from the list, but it wasn't the time to discuss the situation, as her workload is currently stressing her beyond stress. She and her fiance don't know him very well but this is because she is constantly working (truth be told, I don't really know her fiance for the same reason). I've asked other friends and their spouses were included on the SOD so it's not an oversight for the sake of time. I know it's poor etiquette not to invite people's partners, but for someone who anticipates spending 200 dollars on a dress, plus the expenses of showers / parties and a lot of time and work, I think it's abhorrent. Plus, I know my boyfriend will be crushed, as he likes them a lot and has always wanted to get to know them better. I'm considering bowing out of my matronly duties, at least, and possibly not attending at all. I'm sure I could push it and get him an invite but I'm so insulted, I almost don't want to bother. Any advice?
although you feel insulted i can only sugget that on the day you will be pretty busy having to do alot of things and be in alot of places so hopefully you wont dwell too much on it
although the fact that he knows them is a bit upsetting - if he was 'just a guy' i could understand the lack of invite but this doesnt seem fair if other friends significant others were also invited (married or not)
um... that's sort of crappy. I know that there has been some heated debates about the whole +1 issue here, but I've always thought that if the couple decides to not allow dates, atleast the bridal party should be exempt. It just seems like an odd thing to do... not allow a close friend, and bm, to bring her serious bf. I think at this point it's sort of your call, you could always gracefully bow out... IMO, it's really rude of her. I don't know what I'd do personally, all I know is that I'd be pissed and insulted as well.
my rule for +1s was married, living together, engaged only. so, i think its pretty wierd that your live in mate was not invited. i suggest having a calm conversation with her about how this situation affects you and your friendship. do you want to go to the wedding, even as just a guest and not a BM?
That's really disappointing.. I think, since she's asked you to be a bridesmaid, you of all people should be allowed to bring a date! I really think you should sit down with the bride and have an honest conversation with her about how this makes you feel. If she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you guys are hopefully comfortable enough with one another to have this conversation. Just tell her how upset your boyfriend was, and how you are a bit offended that he wasn't invited.
I know you said you're considering backing down as a bridesmaid and maybe even not attending the wedding, but I think you should give the bride your honest opinion first, and if she doesn't give in to this ONE guest, then you should consider dropping out. It's a crappy situation, but it's not fair to you to do all this stuff for her and spend all this money as a bridesmaid, and have her not willing to pay for your guest.
Ouch - this is a really tough situation. I think that as dating mores have become more confusing, the etiquette on a plus one is harder to decide. The rule that married couples must be invited together is an easy one to follow, but trying to determine which unmarried couples should be invited is quite difficult. As a bride, no matter what financial situation I was in, I would need to invite both members of a couple that live together. But I don't know if that is a universal etiquette rule like the rule about married couples. I also think that bridesmaids should be invited with plus ones even if they are not in relationships, since they are working so hard to help the bride and groom (but again I don't think this is an ironclad rule).
If you weren't a bridesmaid, I would tell you that your options when you are invited without a plus one are to suck it up and attend the wedding gracefully or politely decline the invitation.
If I were in your situation, it would be really hard for me to cheerfully pay for the dress and other expenses knowing that this wedding would upset my partner. So I think that before you drop out as bridesmaid, you should discuss the situation with her. She is stressed at work and with wedding planning, and it is possible she just made a bad decision that she would immediately regret as soon as she thought about it (when I was in the middle of wedding planning I made a lot of bad decisions). If she reacts poorly to your concerns, then you can just drop her as a friend and drop out of her bridal party. But I would be inclined to give her a chance to rectify the situation since she is under a lot of stress right now.
Guest lists are hard because there are so many limitations for people - space, financial, etc. It looks like your friend had to draw the line at spouses only (or maybe anyone who is engaged or married). This is never an easy decision to make and I'm sure if money were no object, your boyfriend would be invited. When your friend mentioned omitting significant others at lunch, I think this was her way of letting you know where she drew the line and that it wasn't a personal attack towards you (she certainly felt bad and stressed out over that decision amongst many things). Bummer that you feel insulted - it certainly is disappointing to not be able to bring your SO. I guess I've been to so many weddings where my then-bf wasn't invited due to size limitations or money or he was simply unknown to the couple that it's no big deal to me...I had fun anyway.
i would probably bow out and give her a great gift. i don't believe it's fair for all of the other bridal party members to have their spouses/fiancees there and you not to have yours. she definitely should have included the SO to the guest list not bridal party. GL!
i would let her explain herself further before doing anything rash. i'm having a super small ceremony, am only able to invite 3 friends, and therefore am not including significant others/husbands. guest lists are tough, especially if you have a small venue or tight budget. also, you guys are obviously close friends if she's asking you to be in her wedding party. i know it's crappy of her not to invite your live in bf, but is it really worth your friendship?
talk to her and give her a chance to explain - and for you to share your opinion before doing anything rash. it may work out somehow
MAybe she's thinking that since you'd be so busy with being a BM, that he'd be on his own for most of the evening. He'd have to drive hmself, since you'd be getting ready with the bride, and he'd be at the cocktail hour alone b/c you'll be taking pics. I don't think it would bother me but you know your friend best.
We had to make cuts too. We invited everyone's spouses, but if someone wasn't married, and we hadn't met the SO, we didn't invite them. I know my friend is disappointed b/c she's been dating her BF for over a year and they're talking about marrying, but I've never met him. I didn't really want people I don't know at my wedding.
Yeah thats odd, she should have included you LIVE IN BF. I recently got a save the date with only my name, but when the couple sent the formal invitation they included my Fi's name too! In the beginning I thought they were only going to invite me (I'm engaged and live with the Fi) and if that were the case I was going to decline the invite. I just think its weird when people invite you but not your other half who you live with and you've been dating a long time.
I agree it's no fun to not have your SO (esp live-in) invited to a wedding you're a part of, but from a brides' perspective who is trying to cut the guest list, it kind of makes sense...just playing devils' advocate here.
the reason i bring this up - in our wedding, we have a groomsman thats' married - lets' call him groomsman A. so of course, we invited his wife, no questions asked. then, a few weeks later, FI mentions that groomsman A's wife is a music teacher, so we should ask her if she would be interested in performing at our wedding. we ask, she graciously accepts, and also says, "thanks for including me, i think i would have been bored at the wedding if i didn't have anything to do."
...so, just saying =)
I think I would talk to her
show her these comments if necessary
maybe she is just clueless
maybe she doesn't realize "manners"
but with that said, are you willing to compromise the friendship? Many people can't take honesty and get all ticky about it. You may just want to decline being a BM.
My daughter has decided all BM whether in a realationship or not will be allowed to bring a guest. A courtsey
i agree with tampamom - it would be a good thing to bring up these different points, just to be on the same page.
and @ tampamom - we've also allowed all bridal party members a +1 - whether it be their SO, date, or just someone they would like to bring along for the ride. in fact, we have extended a +1 for all our guests as a courtesy.
I know it's a weird decision and hurtful, but I don't think your friend has any idea how much she's upset you. When she mentioned omitting SOs at lunch, I think she was trying to explain herself to you and make sure that you were okay. It doesn't sound like she took the time to listen and make sure you were okay, though! Can you have lunch with her again and gently bring up the subject? Calmly explain to her how her decision has even made you reconsider your bridesmaid duties? Be careful not to make it an ultimatum, though, because it will likely put her on the defensive, especially if she's stressed out from work and wedding.
I would ask her in a calm, rational manner why he wasn't invited. I'd put it this way: "Hey my SO wasn't invited, did you forget? Because I've heard that other guests SO's were invited. Is it ok to bring him?" If you present it this way, she should be able to offer an explanation.
Imho, and from what I've gleaned, etiquette usually states the person with whom you cohabitate/married to are usually included in an invitation to a wedding or also if you don't live together but are engaged it's usually customary.
I think it's very unusual for her to invite all the other wedding party's spouses and NOT invite your FI. Highly unusual. Despite the income issues we're all facing right now in the economy as it is, surely she could have made provisions for one more person since you're her bridesmaid.
I'd get her alone and discuss it with her. I just cannot understand why she'd not apply the same rules to you as she did to the other bridesmaids????
I think she should invite your bf. 1) YOu've been together a long time. 2.) You're in the bridal party. 3). It sounds like everyone else in the bridal party gets to bring SO's. (It doesn't cut it for me, that they are all married. And you happen to be the only one who isn't married. So you have to go solo.)
I'm usually in the camp that people should be able to bring guests. But that goes double for the bridal party. I don't care if the bride or groom knows the date or not. Just my opinion.
I think Cheerful has a good point. Your friend might not have a clue how badly she's hurt you. It sounds like as it is, without a wedding, she is neglectful of her relationships. (I mean she works so hard that she can't make any time for you? Yet she feels close enough to you to ask you to be a Bm, so she must do this to everyone.) And with a wedding, I think she's probably been pretty self absorbed.
I haven't experienced a slight quite like this, but I have experienced the wrong side of a bride and groom making hard and fast rules on who gets invited, without considering how awkward that can be for certain people. Sometimes they just aren't aware that an exception or two might need to be made.
Before jumping off the deep end, I would talk to your friend. Just let her know you feel hurt. You're putting a lot of resources into her wedding, and would like your bf to be there too. Not to mention he really likes them, and would also be hurt. (Sometimes people feel like guys won't care that much about not going to a wedding. And seeing that you're a BM, she might have glossed over that thinking your bf wouldn't mind.) You could also point out that everyone else in the bridal party gets to bring their SO. Perhaps she'll apologize and say she didn't realize ...
But what if she sticks to her guns and says he can't go? You're considering dropping out of the wedding, and likely the friendship too. Either you are speaking out of anger or other things have been building up. If it's the anger of the moment. Perhaps you can try to ride it out. give it more thought before stepping down. Or perhaps be in the wedding, and afterwards, let the friendship fade. If this has been building, and you feel like, you will be unhappy staying with the wedding, then perhaps you should step down. I'm guessing you're already frustrated with her work habits, and not having time for you.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
I am going to be the dissenting opinion here I guess. We had a "no ring, no bring policy." Otherwise we would have had to individually judge 'how serious' each relationship was. This is your friend's wedding. It isn't about you. She means enough to you to agree to be her bridesmaid, but not enough to handle a single night without your SO? Enough that you would decline to even attend her wedding? I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but that is really selfish.
I understand that you feel slighted, and as if your relationship is being discounted here. And I think it is probably okay to gently ask if he could be included, or at least if she would reconsider once RSVPs come in. Or ask if he can come after the dinner as your dance partner. But is she says no, after having trimmed 100 people already for their list, I think you should be understanding and supportive. They probably had to not include lots of people who are important to them, your boyfriend whom they have never met would be taking up a spot of someone they want to have witness their vows.
My FI was best man at two weddings for the same person, and at both those weddings that person tried not only to avoid inviting me but to try to fix my FI up with another girl.
It got to the point where my FI had to say "look I have known her for longer than you have been together with your soon to be wife . . . both of them actually, and if she's not coming I'm not either . . "
I think considering the details of your relationship it is really harsh and selfish for her to expect you to be in the part but not include your SO. It's the "yeah be at my wedding and celebrate love, but don't bring anyone you love kind of thing . . ." It just sounds hypocritical to me.
But then again that is my opinion.
@sjbee I agree with your points. I feel that this situation really hurts but its also a testament to your friendship. If this is so important to you that you feel it is worth ruining your friendship, you have to do what is best for you. I think that it is a huge bummer that everyone else's SO was invited but I see her point in having already trimmed 100 people off the guest list. Your SO is obviously not an important part in their lives and for one reason or another, they do not feel as if they can afford to pay for him to attend. I think asking if he can come to the dancing part of the reception (as you will be busy most of the day and he will have nothing to do) is a great way to compromise.
Good luck with this, I hope it turs out for the best.
I agree, just talk to her about it. Especially as there's going to be declines to the wedding. For my sisters, who are in my wedding party, I didn't give the ones without boyfriends a +1 since they're not dating anyone but if they had said hey this is important to me to have a guest I would have said OK we'll figure out something.
So you're really going to bow out of a wedding that you've been given the honor of being a BM in because you're insulted you couldn't bring your boyfriend along?
Sorry, but with my friends, I'd totally undertsand if I were you and I'd even leave my HUSBAND home if that's what she wanted. Etiquette or no etiquette, she's still a good friend, right? She obviously had a tough decision (having told you about the whole guest list situation) so I think if you bow out over this etiquette faux pax, you're not that good of a friend to her anyways. Yes, he SHOULD have been invited. But he's not. I think you can ask nicely if room opens up on the RSVP list if he can come but if she's that good of a friend, I don't think it's worth getting too huffy over and then walking out of her bridal party.
I dunno. My opinion with bridesmaids' dates is that they usually end up as their sober driver =]. And sometimes they pout about being "left alone" at the table at a wedding where they, as the date, know no one. I'm perfectly happy going to a wedding where I'm going to know lots of people and just having fun by myself. Yes, I see that you are slighted, don't get me wrong. In the big scheme of things tho, it sucks, and I invited everyone with a date, but I'd also not walk out of a friend's bridal party over something kinda trivial. She's your friend...i dunno, can't wrap my brain around it.
I understand why people would think that Bridesmaids would be okay with not having a significant other invited to the wedding because they will be too busy, etc. but I think that's a very crappy thing to do. My bridesmaids are the first on my list to get a plus-one they are the most important people to me besides family! I want to be there for them through their ups and downs and help contribute to their happiness like I'm asking them to do for me.
You need to decide how much you love/respect this friend before deciding to skip the wedding. If I were you I would make her give me the time of day to explain how 'serious' my relationship is and that I was hurt he wasn't invited. Before you have the talk though, consider how important this friendship is b/c if she still won't budge and doesn't seem to care about your feelings you should bail if she's not a 100% genuine friend.
I think it sucks, but I think you should also talk to her about it. Keep in mind that she's completely overwhelmed and may not be using her 'usual' rational brain ;) I think if she really realized what she was doing, she'd be appalled (and it will likely hit her later). Right now, all she's thinking about is cutting numbers and the stress that's involved and not thinking about how it is making you feel.
I think you should have a talk with her and get him invited! But, more importantly, try to not hold a grudge against her through the process - as it will affect you throughout the whole process. Try to be as gracious as possible.
I would start by actually finding out how your bf feels about the invite. My very close friend did invite my now fi but it turned out that he and my other friends bf really didn't want to be there. While they did know the couple well they just didn't want to be stuck tagging along all day. And it really did suck for them - they sat alone at the reception stode for hours in the park during photos not to mention the hours of hair and makeup and dressing where they were bored to death.
Next if he wants to go then talk to your friend - you are doing her a huge favor being in her wedding and it isn't right not to invite your significant other.
For my wedding all the bridesmaids dresses will be paid for along with their hair and their significant others will absoultly be invited and seated next to their girls.
If she doesn't understand your feelings then yes consider bowing out because she might just be getting started on a complete bridezilla track.
Best Wishes and I am sorry...
So, she obviously doesn't like your BF. Did they have some sort of falling out? There's really no other reason why she wouldn't invite your bf... especially since she invited all the other BMs SO. :S
It seems like I'm in the minority here, but if my close friend asked me to be a BM & my FI wasn't invited, I honestly wouldn't care. Have you been a BM before? Basically you're running around from morning until night, you won't get to sit with him at dinner, and your feet will be so achey you probably won't want to dance! The last wedding I was a BM at, my (ex) BF was MISERABLE the entire night. I barely saw him. Being a SO when your partner is in the wedding party is so boring...
She is wrong to not extend an invitation to him, but honestly I wouldn't bow out of her wedding just because of this. By doing so you risk destroying your friendship over 1 invite. Weigh your pros & cons. Is it really worth throwing a close friendship away?
Good luck!
I agree with a lot of the other posters here. It is a tough and unfortunate situation, no question about it. But take a moment and consider that it may be just as tough and unfortunate for your friend to have to make that kind of decision, eh? It's incredibly uncomfortable to have to judge the importance of someone else's relationship. You will make it even worse by throwing a fit about it. If you must let her know how upset you are, do it in a considerate manner. After all, she IS the bride, and this is HER day...even if it means it's a little less YOURS. It would be unfair to ask her to substitute out someone she really cares about in favor of someone you want to bring. That said, though, I do understand. But I also agree you should talk to your fiance about it and see how much he is offended or not first.
Also, and don't hate me, I'm just trying to open our minds here about the situation...in the event that you drop out of the wedding and tarnish your friendship, and then something happens with your relationship and you don't end up marrying that person, you WILL regret not having been there for your friend over a person that's not a part of your life anymore. I'm not saying that's going to happen, I'm just saying look at the bigger picture.
When you talk to her, most of all, be as understanding as possible of the difficult position she's in, and she will be as understanding as possible of the difficult position YOU are in...good luck.
I can see it both ways. I think the wedding party should always be allowed a date, but obviously your friend is operating with some tight constraints. Who knows who that 100 people she cut were - it could have been a lot of people that knew her well, and inviting your bf instead of those guests might be hard for them. Cutting that many people is rough! They want their nearest and dearest only, which is understandable, but it's unfortunate that sometimes it's not very accomodating to their guests.
I agree with the others that said you should jsut talk to her before you do anything rash. Don't talk to her with a threat to drop out, just ask her if she can make an exception because you'd really like to have him there.
If she won't, think for awhile first. A few other posters mentioned this. Everybody's different, but if one of my friends said I couldn't bring my FI to their wedding, I'd be okay with it. Especially if they didn't know my FI. It's a lot of work to be a BM and being the date of someone in a wedding party totally sucks (I've been my FI's date 4 times already!). Even if it's disappointing, it's not like it's the worst thing in the world.
What about being a gracious friend, understanding that she's already had to make some tough decisions, and look at it as a day to celebrate her and her new husband? While it sucks that your bf won't be there, you have to remember that it's about who THEY want there. If it's a money issue, I would consider it rude if someone asked me if they could bring someone else, especially if they already knew that we had to make major cuts. At the end of the day, it's one night- and you can create other opportunities (dinner parties, etc) for the couple to get to know your BF.
I think it'll be okay, for one main reason. I've been to a lot of weddings, but only recently have they started being "friend" weddings as opposed to "family" weddings. I think it makes a difference because with family weddings, there's a lot of people to talk to, but not as much with friends. This summer, I was a BM in one wedding while my fiance was a GM in another. I remember being incredibly busy when I was a BM and not really seeing my fiance much. He was okay with it because all of our college friends were there, and quite honestly, I would have been fine w/o him there because I would have just hung out with the wedding party. When he was a groomsmen, he sat at the head table while i sat at the "significant others" table. To be honest, I was kind of bored! It's cool getting to know knew people ... but between the rehearsal, ceremony, cocktail hour and dinner ... it was hours before I got to hang out with my FI, which meant hours of small talk with random people.
That said ~ I wouldn't worry about him not being invited. I bet he wouldn't mind a night in anyhow ... AND it'll save you that much money. It's not the best situation ~ but it could be worse!!
I've read all of these posts, and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole BF issue-I see both sides of it-if the couple has already had to cut 100 people (one hundred people now...before anyone gets mad-think about having to cut 100 people from your guest list!)
I don't know what I'd do if I had to cut 100 people-do you invite family who you are related to, but never see? Do you cut work friends? Do you cut +1s? I do think bridal party members should be allowed to bring +1-however...being the date of a bridal party member is the pits, terribly boring and you honestly feel a bit left out of most of the day & end up sitting by yourself (especially if you don't know anyone there). For my encore wedding, there is only seating for 100 in the chapel-not one body more...we had to be very careful with the guest list.
This will probably also be an unpopular point of view-but I also agree with someone who made the point of cutting someone the bride and groom really know well and care about to accomodate +1s. You also have both parents to consider and their part of the guest list. Here is another point that I haven't read here yet-maybe, just perhaps, she felt that excluding +1s of close friends were "safe"-don't misunderstand me. I had some very frank conversations with some of my friends who I would have invited if we had not had a major budget and limited seating-it went something like this "I wish we could have invited everyone that we wanted to, but with us paying for this ourselves and having limited seating in the chapel, we couldn't do that"-it seems that people understand that.
That being said-both of my attendants are married-my MOH is my sister and my other BM is my best friend-her husband is an usher. The guys-one is FIs brother who is married and the other is his nephew who is in his early 20's. He was not invited to bring a +1. He also does not have a GF nor has he been dating anyone specifically. If we were having a bigger wedding with a full evening of dinner & dancing-I would be more concerned with including +1 because so much of the focus of the evening is on dancing, etc. With our brunch reception, it wasn't so much that, but we are limited in seating. Hard choices have to be made-unfortunately so.
Crappy situation. :(
First, I think that I wouldn't even want my bf to attend in that situation because if he doesn't know the other people there very well, I wouldn't want to feel like I had to "babysit" him all night so he was having a good time while I'm trying to have a good time with the bridal party. That being said, he should've still been invited definitely. I think if I were you I would just tell her how you feel-- not even necessarily looking for an invite for him, but just to clear the air. Tell her that you feel hurt that she didn't invite him because it seems to you that she is devaluing your relationship simply because you're unmarried when, in fact, you're cohabitating and clearly very serious.
If you really think this is going to ruin the wedding for you though, then definitely bow out because no one needs a cranky bridesmaid. :)
In my personal opinion, your friend has not done the right thing. Although we were tight on space and budget, we invited the "significant other" of every single one of our friends who was dating someone. Even if we didn't know their significant other, we invited them. But that said, we didn't invite all of our guests with +1s. (Where we limited our guest list was that if a friend didn't have a significant other of ANY type- boyfriend, girlfriend, long term on/off again, etc- then we invited them solo). If a friend was dating someone, we called them up and said "Hey, were getting ready to send out our invites. We'd like to invite your new girlfriend/boyfriend- what is the full spelling of their name so we can include them on the invite?" Or we added "and guest" to a few invites if we deemed it appropriate. To me, it wasn't up to my and my husband to judge the seriousness of our friends' relationships, so the "no ring, no bring" policy didn't apply in our case. Afterall, we have some friends that have been together a total of 2 years and are already married. And we have other friends who have been dating for 5++ years and aren't even engaged. That doesn't mean they are any less serious.
So in your case, you are IN the wedding party and you LIVE with your boyfriend (so you are obviously serious about the relationship), and I think he should have been invited.
HOWEVER... that being said... I would not drop out of the wedding party. I understand how hurtful it is. I understand that it might cause some problems between you and your boyfriend. BUT... if she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you are probably pretty close to her. If you drop out of the wedding party, your friendship will basically be over. And honestly, whether you marry your boyfriend or not, is this friend someone that you have decided you don't want in your life ever again? Just playing devil's advocate- what IF things don't work out with you and your boyfriend? Then you guys break up, but it will be almost impossible to rekindle your friendship with your friend if you've dropped out of her wedding and refused to attend.
If I were in this situation, I would do the following: when things calm down a bit, I'd approach your friend and tell her that you completely understand how limited guest lists can be and how difficult it is to invite everyone to her wedding. However, I would tell her that you will still be in her wedding and you will still be very happy for her, but that this will probably cause some problems in the future. I would tell her that from your boyfriend's perspective, this situation will probably make it virtually impossible for the four of you to hang out in the future as 2 couples, and that he is very hurt since he knows them and has been dating you for a while, and YOU are very hurt that she doesn't think highly enough of your relationship to include him. And I would stress that she has put you in a situation where you have to chose either HER or HIM. Because if you listen to your boyfriend & he is upset so you don't go to the wedding, then you are choosing him. And if you go to the wedding regardless, and hurt your boyfriend in the process, you are choosing HER. So I would tell her that you've spoken to your boyfriend about it and he has encouraged you to be there for your friend (only if, in fact, your boyfriend IS understanding about this!), but that she has put you in a tough situation and you just want to explain to her why you might not be able to hang out that much in the future.
If she gets upset at this, then I would ask her to reverse the situation. If this guy is pretty permanent in your life & you feel pretty serious about him, ask her how she would feel if, at this current moment in time, she was a bridesmaid in YOUR wedding, but you didn't invite her fiance. Yes, I know she has a ring, but that doesn't necessarily mean that her relationship is more "real" than yours. Tell her to think about how she would feel- she would be put in the middle between a very good friend being mad at her if she didn't attend, and a very sad/mad boyfriend if he wasn't invited.
Long story short, I would explain your feelings to he, but I wouldn't necessarily back out of the wedding. In the very worst case scenario, I would attend the wedding, show my support for my friend, and then graciously leave right around when the party is ending. And then put it behind you, and maybe focus on other friendships and relationships. But I didn't think I would be so drastic as to back out of the wedding. After all, if the situation were reversed, and you were planning your wedding and there was NO WAY you cold invite everyone you wanted and had to cut someone's boyfriend, you still might be hurt if they didn't attend your wedding at all!
GOOD LUCK! I'm so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation!!!!! :(
I think that's super rude! You're living together, so you fall under "married couples" IMHO. I'd talk to her. I'm in a wedding and the invite was addressed to my fiance (also a GM) and "guest". I called her and flat out asked why I was snubbed. I'd say something about it!
We made the cutout for everyone on our guest list that if you were not dating for at least a year before the wedding (so last OCt) you did not get a plus one. We're paying for the wedding ourselves and we have very limited funds. One of our GM isn't too happy cuz he started dating a girl a few months ago and wants her to come. Sorry, but you'll be busy most of the day, she won't know anyone else there, and she'll be by herself for the day. Why would she want to come? We had to cut a lot of our friends from the list, so I sure as hell am not adding another person I don't know when I could add a friend that I really want to come.
When your paying for your own wedding you have to draw the line somewhere, and if people get mad and don't understand or want to come, then shame on them for not being a good friend in the first place. Everyone in our wedding party know at least half of the guest list, and only 2 (out fo 8) are bringing guests cuz one has been married for 5 years and we're good friend with her husband, and the other has been dating his gf for 4 years.
If you start making exceptions for one person, then you have to for everyone else in the same situation which can add a lot of heads. If she doesn't have the money, she doesn't have the money and you should respect that (as much as it does suck that he can't come). Have you offered to pay for him to come?
I’ll admit that I’m not the most rational person (look at me being all healthy and stuff) but I would be so freaking offended.
My partner and I come as a unit. It isn’t that we can’t do things separately, it’s that once we began living together, got engaged, make it a point to let the world know that we are a couple, we expected to be treated as a unit for things like this.
As a member of the bridal party I’m sure you’ve spent a lot and bent over backward to accomodate your friend. She should extend an invite to your SO out of appreciation, acceptance of your relationship and as a gesture to make sure you have a fantastic time at her wedding.
If it were me, and I had to make cuts, I would cut out family I haven’t seen in 80 years for this purpose. I would ask my mom to shave from her list. I would do everything I could to make the people that had been there during my relationship (close enough to be in my bridal party equals pretty damned close!) comfortable and happy.
She shouldn’t have put you in this uncomfortable, hurtful situation. That totally sucks.
I would decline the BM duties if my significant other was not invited also. It's stressful being a BM and when things are done you just want to be with them, dancing and having some drinks. Not sitting at the head table with no date and watching other couples slow dance. No way, I wouldn't do it. Not that I can't socialize alone, just b/c i think it's total crap. The wedding party is definitely exempt from these rules.
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