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If I were you, I would not talk to her anymore. How selfish and rude is she for not allowing her own bridesmaids partner ... whether you are married or not ... it's serious because you've been living together for 2 years. So I think it's very mean of her to expect you to be in her wedding and not even allow him to come - especially since he knows them.
Now I'm not saying I think everyones S.O. should be allowed, but in your situation where you're a bm and close friend of the bride ... you think she would be understanding of that?
I just read ALL of the posts on here. Some posters are saying that the bride and groom must have cut many important people to get to their final number, and the plus ones would have made even more cuts. I disagree with this, because she chose the OP as a Bridesmaid, which means that out of all of the 250 guests, this is the person she wants to *stand* with her. That said, how is it fair to snub the small handful of friends/family that accepted your invitation to stand by their side? if they're that important to you, why not include their SO's when you've included other peoples' in the same group of friends?
Not cool!
First, you are a close friend, this makes you different then just another guest. It almost seems like the underlying message she is sending is "if you were engaged or married before me, he would be invited," and thats not fair.
I disagree with what a few others have said about "if she changes it for you, she has to change it for everyone" you are in the BP, this makes you an exception to the rule, and she should cut one other person to make room for your SO. Although you will be busy during the day, you will not be busy during the actual wedding b/c the bride will be so busy talking to others that the BP fends for themselves.
When you talk to her, stay focused on the fact that you will feel left out and uncomfortable at the wedding. Also, I like what someone else suggested as well, and see if he can be invited to the dance portion of the reception.
Good luck!
Are you sure that he isn't invited? Did the bride specifically tell you that he wouldn't be invited? Frankly, I'm shocked if this is the case since you are in the wedding.
He may actually still be invited though. Just because the Save the Date didn't address it to you + guest, doesn't mean that he won't be invited when the invitations go out. Usually, only the + guest is added on the invitation and the STD is addressed to the person being invited only.
Just a thought.
First double check to see if he is invited or not. I just got a STD addressed just to me (I'm a bridesmaid). The wedding is out of town and my friend has made sure my FI will hang with the guys when I'm doing BM stuff. So clearly my FI is invited, but he wasn't on the STD.
If he's not invited, talk to her and explain that you are very hurt that your live in BF (soon to be FI) isn't invited. You are a bridesmaid, and probably one of her closest friends. If she is concerned about numbers, she doesn't have to give everyone an "and guest", but at the very least the wedding party should be able to invited LT SOs.
Although I do understand and feel that you are justified in feeling snubbed, at the end of the day, its not about you...period!! It is their wedding, which they are paying for and they dont know your fiance well. I think once you begin planning a wedding and have to pay 100% of it, then you will see how difficult guest list issues really are! I actually find it strange that people always want to bring a S.O. to "introduce" at a wedding, just dont think thats the time and place.
Nevertheless, talk to her and see what she says and then evaluate your friendship based on that. What I will say is if you've been dating this guy for 2 years and been friends with her for 10....think long and hard about dropping out and ending a friendship just because your boyfriend wasnt invited....again....THEIR day is not about you
been in this similar situation. except it wasn't a friend - it was a cousin's wedding :(Granted, we had only been together for 8 months, BUT she invited other peoples' SOs that weren't even bridal party. Prob bc she didn't like the Mr, and even told someone that we were "probably just going to break up anyways"... but oh, shoot, look who's getting married now?
ANYWAYS... all that being said, not worth it to drop out of the wedding; and true, you won't get to spend hardly any time with him at the wedding (even though it sucks to be suddenly single at a wedding.)
I understand how this is annoying and hurtful to you and your BF. My best friend was married a year ago an my then BF of 4 years (now FI) was not invited. However, I knew if he HAD been invited and attended he would have been alone because he didn't know anyone aside from me and my parents. Plus, being a MOH there is SO much to do with before/during/after that it's difficult to find time to be with your date/SO.
Last weekend we had a reverse situation where FI was Best Man, I knew about 5 other people at the wedding (and am close to the groom), but it was not as enjoyable because of all the time I spent alone while he was doing BM duties.
Just a viewpoint from being the "out of the bridal party SO"
I think it's terrible etiquette, and worse it's pretty much a slap in the face to you. Almost like your relationship with him isn't being acknowledged for an arbitrary reason. I think you should let her know how you feel before you bow out of your duties, and give her a chance to make it right. But you will have to be careful in how you approach this because it sounds like she has already justified not inviting him in her head. Try not to make her feel attacked, just explain that you assumed, when you agreed to be a bridesmaid, that your boyfriend/partner would be invited to the wedding, and that you understand she had to trim her guest list, but that you were hurt by her not including your guy. If she doesn't seem to care, then I would decline to participate in the wedding unless you think you can participate without being bitter.
do you know what annoys me about this whole thing, is that if you had only been with SO for 6 months, had never lived together and he had never met them, but you were married chances are he would be invited. What if a couple choose to never get married? do they have to always attend weddings on there own? Secondly I disagree with the post that says the wedding is all about the bride and groom, I think a wedding is a celebration for everyone to enjoy. The guests are an incredibly important aspect of the wedding.
Secondly I am only inviting 65 guests to my wedding and I would never dream of not having my bm's SO's even though they are not married and I dont know them really well.
As another wise Bee once wrote (can't remember who offhand), you can't demand courtesy. You can only take what's offered, or leave what's offered. I think that wedding planning is stressful enough that many women do not act normal while doing it.
Yes, it's rude that she doesn't consider live-in relationships to be 'serious.'
Yes, it's even ruder that she doesn't give her only non-married BM a date.
But don't give up on the girl for one bad decision. Let her know that you feel left out because the rest of the bridal party have dates and you don't, but be her BM regardless. And if she says no, let it be. You're there for her, right? You could even tell her how you feel later, when she's done with planning and realizes that married women still need friends.
My friend was a groomsman in a 150 person wedding and brought a date. She was miserable the whole time because she was alone during the ceremony, tagging along while they took photos, not able to talk with him at dinner because he had to make a toast, meet people etc etc. She didn't know anyone else there. They got ONE dance together the whole night!
So I don't think your BF will even have a chance to talk to the bride and groom. Maybe let this one go (as in speak to her about it gently, but don't quit as a BM).
If its really a financial issue for her, you should be understanding, sorry, but its her day, not yours. It is wrong for her not to invite your boyfriend but it will be even wronger for you not to attend your friend's wedding and be in it because she cant afford it, its not about you, its really about the bride, if she said she hated your man it would be different, if she was wealthy and didnt invite him it would be different
For us it was going to be (before we decided to 'go small'):
Regular 'guests': only invite partners if they are living together, engaged or married
Attendants: All attendants can bring a date, whether or not they are living together, engaged or married
As of now, I think it's just going to be only our attendants bringing dates who aren't live in, engaged or married simply because we are only having about 35 - 40 people total.
Bella
I understand that cutting guests is very difficult, but, by all rules of etiquette, the bride was very much in the wrong to not allow you a guest. Cutting "and guests" is a great way to reduce the number on a guest list, but it is never appropriate to 1) not allow married, engaged, or very well established couples to bring their significant other, or 2) deny escorts to your wedding party members. Even if you were single, by rules of etiquette, as a member of the wedding party you should be entitled to bring a date. That was a very selfish call on her point (especially not to tell you - her bridesmaid, one of her closest friends, I assume - and instead have you find out through the STD and not even be open to discussing it with you), and if she couldn't accomodate the dates of her wedding party members, then she should have had a smaller wedding party. You should have every right to bring a date, but since the bride makes the rules, you are obviously in no position to force her to allow your boyfriend. What you do have every right to do, though, is to politely step down from your position. You can try talking to her about it again first (if she's even willing to listen; if not, I'd step down then and there), and gently but firmly explain how you feel. Explain that when you accepted the position, you were under the etiquette-dictated assumption that as a bridesmaid you would be allowed a date. Let her know that you are very disappointed that, as close friends as you are, she would do that to you. If your friendship means something to you, I wouldn't push this conversation too far, but I certainly suggest explaining how you feel. You are not the one in the wrong here, and you have every right to be pissed off. The move you choose to make is really up to you - you can be a loyal friend (even after your "friend" so selfishly went behind your back and cut your boyfriend - who you should be allowed to bring - from the list without even so much as a warning) and suck it up and deal with it (you'll probably be too busy to miss him anyway, but it's the principle of what she did that I think is the issue here) OR you can talk to her about it. OR you can straight-up tell her to peace out and that she should have thought about her guest list long before choosing the size of her wedding party (it's like sending STDs to someone, realizing you need to cut the party, then never sending them invites...so tacky), but if you want to salvage your friendship I wouldn't recommend that option. Whatever you choose to do, good luck!
I am just catching up on this post and I am so facinated - how did this turn out? Did you end up talking with her and letting her know how you felt or did you end up bowing out?!
I'm sure my opinion will be an unpopular one, but I think she has every right to invite or not invite whomever she wants to her wedding, because, it is, in fact, her wedding.
It seems as though the only one your boyfriend would actually know at the wedding would be you, and I'm sure you'll be very preoccupied, so it wouldn't be any fun for him anyway. The bride probably didn't want to invite someone she doesn't even know, especially when she had to cut 100 guests already. Try to see it from her perspective, and consider who you would want surrounding you on your wedding day, your friend's boyfriend probably won't come to mind.
I agree wiith Snuckyfox. Personally, as a Bride, if I had to reduce my list by 100 people who I was related to, worked with or cared to invite initially, I would feel like my bridal party ESPECIALLY would be supportive of the decision to only invite engaged or married partners. It just goes back to the fact that it's the couple's day. I agree that if you really feel slighted, you should decline the invite to the wedding.
We are having a very small wedding and there are many family members who we just will not be able to accomodate. I'm certainly not going to substitute boyfriends for their spots. Couples have to make difficult decisions all the time and i'm sure it was difficult for them to do so.
Well, why does your bf need to come when you are a BM? You will be busy... I dont get that. However, if you do not want to be a BM for any reason, bc it is a TME CONSUMING and EXPENSIVE favor (altho it is also an honor to be asked)...
You should bow out as a favor to you and her...
If it was someone your just started dating or weren't serious with I could see her not inviting them. But especially if you live with him she should invite him or not have asked you to be in or even go to the wedding. Thats just rude. I know I've had to make some hard choices with my guest list. But I didn't exclude anyones long term partners! I would be upset and not go if that it the case and I personally wouldn't be happy if the shoe was on the other foot and my fiance was invited to a wedding were I was not and I know he'd wouldn't go if I couldn't go. I would just talk to her and find out if she'll also include him. If she wont include him, does that bother him?
When its your day you will understand.
My FI was invited to a wedding he will be attending, and our wedding is 2 months away from theres and both of them are invited to our wedding they know me and they like me but cannot afford others to attend i am totally ok with this.
but dropping out as a bridesmaid your risking your friendship i have a bridesmaid who dropped out and i am still mad at her.
I understand why you're upset, but I guess I'm confused anyway about why it actually matters. Is there a head table? If so, you will be:
-getting ready with the bride
-standing/sitting up front with the bride and groom at the ceremony
-taking pictures with the wedding party
-eating at the head table
What is your boyfriend supposed to do for most of the wedding while you're off doing other things? Wait around by himself until the dance starts? I don't get why the bridal party needs plus ones at all. I don't see any issue with her holding members of the bridal party to the same plus one rules as the other guests - especially since you'll be spending A LOT less time with your guest than anyone else there will be.
I decline most invites if they don't include a +1. This is just my personal preference, and I certainly mean no offense to anyone who has not invited SO's, I just prefer to attend social functions with the person who is most important to me. I am a very shy person, so attending an event alone, even if I know people there, is just nicer when I am with my man.
Enough about me...I think that if you are close enough to this woman to be her BM, then perhaps you can have a heart-to-heart with her. While in most cases I think it is rude to ask if you can bring a date, in this case, you totally should. Support your request with stating that it's not only because you just want a date with you, but that you have a future with your man and you want him to be a part of your friendship with the new bride and groom.
If your boyfriend was newer / casual / you didn't live together I'd be on your friend's side but considering you're serious and you live together she was rude not to invite him.
Its really up to you how to proceed. I would be pretty insulted if my husband accepted a social invitation from which I was purposefully excluded but your guy may not care.
If you step down and refuse to attend, it will in all liklihood end the friendship so you have to be prepared to accept that. Your other option is to talk to her and see what she says.
Good luck and give us an update!
the OP only has this post in her recent history, and it was a year ago.. sorry, guys, i think she might be long gone?
I'm not sure how I feel about this, I feel for both sides, but I just wanted to express a story of 2 friends that are no longer friends because of something similar.
A friend, let's call her Kay was planning a wedding and their rule of thumb was no ring no bring. The one friend ( Jane) was in the wedding and dating someone for awhile but not engaged and her SO didn't get an invite, she was angry and pissed, brought it up to the Kay, but Kay tried explaining she was on a tight budget and whatnot. Jane was still mad and pretty much stopped talking to Kay, she stayed in the wedding party but as soon as the wedding was over, she pretty much cut ties with Kay.
Flash forward a few years later, Kay and Jane aren't not as good of friends anymore, but mutal friend Melissa is friends with both. Jane gets engaged, starts planning the wedding and realizes how costly things are and sets a budget, with that comes the task of having to cut many people, so she cut people's SO. Melissa was dating someone, but she was okay with Jane doing this as she understood, however, Kay was upset because Jane broke their friendship over the very same thing that she had to do.
Moral of the story, you don't realize or even know unless your in that situation and is it really worth breaking up a friendship over. Maybe you should just honor and respect what you friend needs to do. One of my close friends got married over the summer and never thoguht I would get an invite because I knew she was on a tight list, and I was okay with that, I was happy just the same when she came back to me and said she can invite me because she has some spots open, I didn't take that as an insult or a jab or anything.
i can see both the sides to the argument, personally I get the whole budget thing- but you're in the bridal party so I think it's a little different. If it were me, I would probably bow out politely. I wouldn't want to spend money on a dress, showers, gifts, etc.. and not be allowed to bring a serious partner.
ETA : totally didn't realize this post was from months ago.
I am in a similar situation. I am currently a bridesmaid for a friend who is getting married in the next couple months. I have spent almost 1000 dollars on her wedding including bridal shower, dresses, shoes, etc. She invited my parents to the wedding (who she barely knows and will not be able to attend) and included me on the invite with them. I have been dating my bf (soon to be engaged) for 10 years and she did not send a seperate invitation with a plus one. I did confront her about it and let her know I was hurt about this..and she told me she was only allowing married or engaged people of the bridal party to the wedding. I was a little shocked considering that I have been with the same person for 10 years and we probably will be engaged in the next couple months. I understand I am supposed to be there for her on her day and be supportive, but this is really dis-heartening considering all the time, money and effort I have spent on her. I just thought that since someone is supposed to be my best friend she would at least let me have my significant other with me. The wedding is not too far away, and I am not the type of person to back out on anyone..so I guess I am going to have to suck it up until this is over. Any advice??
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