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I would try to talk to her and find out if it is something that is really bothering her. Maybe the couples could hang out a couple of times to see if old wounds are still there. If they get along ahead of time, it should be fine at the wedding.
I'd say she was fairly nice about it to say that he could come if you absolutely wanted/needed him there.
The standard rule that we use here is that if a couple is dating for more than 6 months (some people use a year) then you should invite the SO... but if there is history that might make her uncomfortable, then I can kind of understand her reasoning.
She said you could bring him if it was really important to you, so I don't see a huge reason for hurt feelings. I think if you talked to her about it, she'd probably say that she has a hard time with him because of what you went through in the break-up. I don't know if it would be worth talking to her (in a non-confrontational way) about what's changed since then... but if she still hears the negative side of your relationship because you vent to her, it's going to be a hard sell.
I'd say, though, that whatever the outcome, be there for your friend and don't take it personally.
Good luck :)
I think it depends on why she doesn't like him. Is it because of your bad breakup or was there an issue between the two of them directly?
If she is still mad at him for an issue that the two of you have gotten over (breakup) then I think she needs to let you bring him but if it's more complicated than that, and there was some sort of issue between them, maybe he shouldn't come.
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To provide more history: Before the break-up, everything was fine between him and her. Ever since the break-up, she has not liked him and said that she doesn't think he's a good person. I may have fueled my own fire though, during the break-up I definitely overly vented to her about EVERYTHING!
I don't believe it's any more complicated than that. They have never had an issue of their own. In fact, they used to be somewhat good friends and I met him through her.
I agree with doctorgirl. And it does kind of depend on why she doesn't like him.
I understand her reasonsing because I was planning on having a similar conversation with my sister. She's been dating this guy on and off that I have absolutely HATED since their last breakup and I really really don't want him there, don't want to sit with him at our table, anything. But, I'm letting her make her own call on it - just like your friend is to you. If it's important to you, talk to her and bring him, just like she offered.
Daisy, is the bride planning to seat the wedding party's dates at the head table? If so, she might have a harder time ignoring him if he's going to be seated at her table.
But regardless of where he's sitting, I do think it's unfair of her to go out of her way to exclude your boyfriend, and only your boyfriend, because she doesn't like him. If you guys had a tough breakup the first time around, I do sympathize with her -- she probably still thinks of him as "the jerk who broke my friend's heart" and doesn't think he deserves you. But it's not her job to tell you who you can and can't date, and deciding that everyone but you can bring a date is not a good way to handle it.
I would be honest with her -- say that you're hurt that you're the only one who doesn't get to bring a date, and that you know a lot of bad stuff happened, but you guys really care about each other and you'd like her to give him another chance. But if she still says she'd really rather not have him there, I would respect her wishes, and try again after the wedding to get your boyfriend back in her good graces.
The bridal party will not be sitting at the head table. We will be sitting at tables with all the other guests.
I agree with DaisyBride - if the issue of her not liking him is just what he did to you, she's given you the go-ahead to bring him if you really want to; however, if he did something to her to make her not like him, it's best to leave him at home. I also think if you can get everyone together before the wedding to just hang out it may help her see that the two of you have gotten past previous issues and she needs to see the good person he is and how happy he makes you. She can dislike him for his treatment of you if she wants (I've been there, hated the friend's boyfriend cause he was a jerk to her), but I think it's pretty mean-spirited of her to take the wedding as an opportunity to force her feelings of disapproval on you and single you out as the only one who can't bring a date.
I'm wondering -- how long ago did the two of you break up, and when did you get back together? If it's been within the last six months or so, I can kind of see how her dislike toward him might still be pretty fresh (even if you and your boyfriend have resolved your issues). I'm also hoping your breakup didn't involve any public scenes (since you mentioned it wasn't amicable) -- I'm assuming her feelings are just based on your venting during the breakup (and yeah, I've been there), but it seems possible that her opinion of him changed because of his behavior, and she might be worried that your boyfriend might upset you or act inappropriately for some reason.
If it's really just that she formed a negative opinion of him out of loyalty to you during the breakup, then I agree with the other posters that you might try to arrange a small get-together so she can see the positive side of him again.
We broke up for about 4 months and got back together about 6 months ago. By not amicable, I just meant that I was not happy about the situation and we both weren't very kind when it broke off. We have never had a public scene or anything to that nature. We are both pretty private about stuff like that. I did vent to her a lot. Maybe you are right in that it's just still too fresh.
i think you have a right to be upset and you can probably understand why she doesn't like your boyfriend, given the situation, I personally would not bring him and focus on trying to make her happy on her wedding day.
I agree with Melissa. It's really not the bride's place to pass judgment on your relationship. As a friend she can be upset that he hurt you but if the two of you have worked things out, then she needs to respect your relationship as she respect any other relationship.
I dont think it was right of her to not invite him. I would have a gentle talk with her, explaining that although you two had some problems you are taking your relationship forward and it would mean a lot to you if she supports you and makes an effort with you BF. Good luck!
I'm kind of in the same situation, but I'm the bride. My MOH has a new bf every 6 months... we went over wedding plans this weekend & she was like "Well my bf is invited too, right?" I mumbled something and then said we aren't sure about our guest list yet. The problem is, she insists that her boyfriend of the month is the center of attention & at almost every major function we've attended together-- she gets into a blowout fight with her bf. I'm the opposite, I still won't allow my FI to be photographed with me at any family event.
I won't allow her to bring her boyfriend, but I also won't let everyone else bring their boyfriends either. Your friend handled this situation incorrectly. She shouldn't have singled you or your boyfriend out. If there is a mutual dislike for one another-- I'd say leave him at home. If she did say you could bring him & you think the bride and your bf can be civil, then bring him along. This is really up to you!
A long time ago I heard someone say "Don't trash your partner to me because it's easier for you to forgive him/her than it is for me to." Friends & families don't love our SO like we do.... they aren't as quick to forgive & forget.
Well, it's ultimately her decision who she wants to invite to her wedding (I have read several advice columns on wedding invite etiquette), but I think anyone giving her advice on the subject would tell her to invite him. I was going to ask about the head table, but it doesn't look like he'll be sitting there so that's one down. I was also going to ask about the reason for your breakup and why it wasn't amicable, but it doesn't seem like he was being physically violent or anything that would really warrant her to not invite him, she is just sticking up for you, but you've taken him back so she has to be with you on that decision as a friend.
I'm a little miffed that you got the invitation first before she spoke to you about it. She definitely should have reached out to you first and discussed her hesitation. This way, she is kind of telling you through her actions that she has already decided and if you want to go against the grain and be a bad friend you can bring him.
Ultimately I agree with msduck, you should go solo and focus on her. There is no perfect solution, but this is the most obvious and best one.
Just a thought... If you guys only recently got back together, maybe the bride already had the guest list set? We've had our guest list set for months and just sent out invites this week. I recently found out a couple of my guests have started dating people very recently. To find room for even one extra person is proving very difficult for us as we are already over capacity.
Prob doesn't make her want to go out of her way to find room for him given the history.
You should just talk to her if it bothers you that much.
I agree with MelissaB. His presence really shouldn't have a big impact on her day since you'll be sitting at different tables, you said your both not make-a-scene people, and he's not in the wedding party so there will be limited pictures of him. It was in poor taste to invite other people's bfs and not yours, regardless of how she feels about him.
On the other hand, I had a friend who constantly complained about her bf to me for years through multiple breakups and I could never understand what she saw in him b/c of it. I would never exclude him from my wedding if it was important to my friend. I think you should have a heart-to-heart and tell her all the wonderful things about your bf that you've never told her before. If she's only heard the bad stuff, no wonder she has a bad opinion of him.
It sounds like her offer to you to bring him "if it really bothered you" is super back-handed and passive aggressive. That's just not fair. Tell her you're hurt.
It's her wedding, I would just suck it up for six hours!
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I have to agress with soontobeLJW. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I was the MOH at my best friend's wedding. She did not like my now ex-boyfriend. The way I looked at it, was I was going to confront the situation because my friendship to her meant so much more to me. To be honest with you, even though I was a bit hurt about it. It wasn't about me. It was my friend's day. To be honest with you, I ended up being so busy most of the day that if he went, I would have felt like I needed to be attached to his hip since he didn't know anyone.
I agree with those who think hes should be invited. Why should you suck it up and focus on the bride? But I suppose she'll need someone since all of the other Bms get to bring a date.
And I also, agree that she shouldn't pass judgement. This is a wedding. that doesn't give her the right to decide who you are or aren't to be with.
I could see if he was likely to make a big scene, or felt like you were in an abusive situation, and she didn't want to come across like she's supporting the relationship. But this isn't the case. ANd honestl, I don't really see how he will affect her day. She will barely notice that he's there. I'm not sure how much he really desires to go to the wedding. (Sometimes guys aren't eager to go.) But one thing is for sure, at the least, she'd be hurting you, which is probably not her intention.
But since she said that if it bothered you, you could bring him, I would just bring him. The only thing you might want to work on is repairing her image of him. It is so tough not to vent to those close to you, when your SO ticks you off. But unfortuantely, this is why we should try to avoid it. She's got this fight/break up, like a single moment, etched in her mind. She doesn't have all the good times and the wonderful things about him, etched in her brain. And even if you did tell her those things, i'm sure they weren't said with the same intensity as when you thought he was the biggest creep. It's just going to take longer to change her opinion. But hopefully you can patch things up.
I think you should let it go and yield to the bride. It's her wedding day and she can decide who she wants to invite. I wouldn't take it personal and I'm sure she appreciates all that you've done.
I think the original invitation spoke volumes. It's the brides 1 day and she can decide who she'd like to celebrate with. My vote is to respect her original wishes and drop it :) Besides, it's just 1 day anyway.
If you really want to have him there with you, then I would talk to her and let her know that. I can understand where she's coming from as your friend....she's p*ssed at him for hurting someone she loves (YOU). I know my BFF felt that way towards my ex-FI when he & I became friends again after calling off our wedding.
It's a tough situation because you want your friend to be super happy on her wedding day...but it's not always fun to go to a wedding without a date...especially if you're in a relationship...it's not like you're gonna hook up with a single guy there...you just feel bummed that your man isn't there to hang out with and dance with.
Ah, this situation totally sucks. I think, gasp, that the bride is a bit out of line in this situation though. I mean, c'mon. The break up was between the two of you -if you've found a way to move on she should respect that. Since you're a close friend she should do what she can to at least be civil to him.
HOWEVER I learned the hard way that you shouldn't over-vent. I used to do it to my family about an ex (before he was an ex) and before I knew it none of them could stand looking at him. that made things really hard when things were "on again" with him..
i have a very similar situation. my one friend who i love has been dating this guy on and off for 5 years. i despise him! she has caught him cheating on her several times and she keeps going back to him. i mean she walked in on him doing 'it' with another girl. my friend has found other girls bras in her bed and used 'things' in the garbage. anyway..disgusting i know. now she is 8 months pregnant with his baby. i am going to invite her but i really don't want to invite him. she knows i don't like him, but i want her to have a good time and have a date with her.
I think you should respect her wishes. It is only one day, and yes, it is her day. You two can work out this issue after the wedding.
yes, i think thats the problem that some girls cannot get pass the its just one day and let the bride have that one day to have it her way, within reason, of course
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and it was a similar situation. I had my date come after dinner just for drinks and dancing. It worked out fine.
If it really means a lot to you that he is there, I think you should talk to her about it. I personally can't stand one of my BM boyfriends, but I am invinting him anyways, because I know it will make her happy. I will be so busy that day I won't notice him anyways. It's ultimately her decision, but if you are going to be sad if he is not there, I think she really needs to understand that although you had a bad breakup before, you are together again now and you'll feel bad if he can't come. She's probably just worried that he'll hurt you again and doesn't want it to seem like she is 'condoning' your relationship by inviting him....but that is your decision to make, not hers.
If the only reason she isn't a fan of him is because of your break-up, then I think it's not her place to say whether you can bring him or not. If all the other wedding party is allowed to bring a guest, than I don't think she can single you out. Plus, I doubt she will actually have a lot of contact with him during the day!
I really don't agree with this 'it's my day' attitude. Sure, it's her wedding, but that doesn't mean the bride gets to be selfish or act any differently than she would normally behave if she were throwing any other party. I don't think her reluctant agreement to let him come was very nice either. If she cares about your friendship and this guy hasn't done anything mean to her, then she should be happy to invite your boyfriend even if she doesn't like him. It doesn't sound like he's going to make a spectacle of himself or anything.
wow that is just mean. I get you broke up and I get she is stuck in the can't forgive him and be protective of you phase. But as your friend she should support your decision. And if everyone is bringing thier boyfriends and you want to bring yours do so. If you hadn't broken up he would have been invited no questions asked. Well if you are willing to let him back into your life don't you think your friend should too? Otherwise what kind of a friend does that make her? She plan on always making your boyfriend feel unwelcome? I know it is her wedding day but it is just mean to exclude only your boyfriend. You might want to tell her that. This really is about the fact that she isn't happy you are dating him again and it is an issue that will come up again unless you deal with it and I say the sooner the better. Cause who you date is your decision, not hers.
Honestly, in my humble opinion, I think the bride needs to get over herself. If all the other bridesmaids can bring dates, you should be able to as well.
We had a groomsman with a gf I don't particulary like... but we invited her because it was fair and right, just like we're not inviting 99% of our single guests "with guest", but exceptions were made for members of the bridal party. As long as your guy isn't the type that the bride fears will get drunk and cause a scene (sorry, too much Bridezilla watching this week.), then I agree with others.. she needs to respect the fact that you've chosen to give things another shot with him and give him that same benefit of the doubt!
(Our groomsman broke up with said girl right before invites went out and dropped out of the wedding about a month later... so my problem was "solved" - we're just dealing with the uneven numbers in the wedding party. sigh.)
I think you should tell her it hurt your feelings, and try to help her understand how you two have patched things up. BUT I would NOT bring him. It is her special day and if he bothers her to the point of singling him out to not invite him, I would respect that. She loves you so much to have you as an important part of her wedding, and she probably didn't mean to hurt you. But she probably gave it a lot of thought, and feels really strongly about it. How would you feel about having to be nice to someone you really disliked on your wedding day? Or being guilted into paying $40 for his dinner? Or having him in your wedding photo album? Having his name in her guest book? Your boyfriend may not be that bad, but he may be worse than a kitten killer in her eyes.
This is a tough situation, but it might just be simpler for you and the bride to just let it slide and not read too much into it. You will have plenty to keep you busy as a bridesmaid, and if you spend the day focusing on being the best possible friend to her and not showing an ounce of resentment about the invite slight, it might go a long way towards the bride realizing that her reaction was a touch strong. If you and your SO handle the entire situation by taking the high road and exuding class, it could help repair the damaged relationship between her and your SO, ie "You know what, I am sure it would have been fine if SO had come to my wedding after all. We should all have dinner post-honeymoon and reconnect."
Maybe I'm naively optimistic or ridiculously non-confrontational.
If it makes you feel better, you can always sign the card from both you and the SO :)
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I am a bridesmaid for a wedding this summer. The bride and I have been friends since elementary school and are close friends. I have greatly enjoyed helping her with a lot of the wedding events and details. I have put together some items for the shower and put together her Bachelorette party. In fact, it's at my parent's beach house.
My issue is that ALL of the bridal party is allowed to bring dates. Many of the guests are allowed to bring dates as well, except for me: The bride doesn't like my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I dated for several years, broke up (wasn't the most amicable break-up), and got back to together a while ago. Ever since the break-up, she has disliked him.
When the invitation came, it only had my name on it. She later told me that I could bring him if it really bothered me, but she doesn't want him to come in case his presence may affect her day. I realize it's her day and time for her to be selfish. I also want her to have the perfect wedding. But, at the same time, I feel as though if he were to come, he would say congratulations and the two of them wouldn't pay much attention to each other after that. I have a hard time believing she would even be aware to his presence. With all that I have done for her, it upsets me that she won't give me the joy of bringing him.
Should I just let her wedding be about her and drop the issue? At the same time, is it fair for me to feel so hurt and do nothing?