- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
<div class=”blogSubject”><label id=”pBlogSubject_506872820″>Just a blog I wanted to share to get some feedback. Mayber a person who can relate or two.</label>
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<div id=”pBlogBody_506872820″ class=”blogContent”>So I’m looking back on my life … all 26 years of it, and wondering just exactly how it is I ended up right back where I started. What am I talking about? I got my first job at 15 working for my dad’s restaurant as a bus girl. I eventually progressed to hostess/waitress and worked at a number of other places in the restaurant industry until I graduated college, when I vowed never to work in another restaurant again. Why? Because I hated them, because I came home and had anxiety dreams about forgetting to put peoples’ orders in etc. Because I was just plain never very good at it anyway.
So I worked my ass off in college, graduated with honors, BECAME SOMETHING (and not just anything, something I was actually proud of). My dad was proud to see that he had worked so hard his whole life so he could provide me with an opportunity for a better one than he had, and it had happened.
Then came my falling from grace. I switched journalism jobs, got fired from my fancy new job, and used the freedom as an opportunity to move to E. Stroudsburg to buy a house with FI, only to discover there were no businesses there for me to work at. It had been so long since I had waitressed, I thought for sure I could handle it. I’m much more organized now, much older, there were no other options … things were different … or that’s what I told myself anyway.
Needless to say, I’m still a sucky waitress, and probably about to be fired from my second job this year. I was okay with going back to waitressing, I think, because I’ll never be too proud to do what my father had to do raise me. What’s truly disgraceful though, is that I can’t even do that right.
I feel like a whiner every time I come home complaining about a job, but like any relationship, when I’m unhappy, they (the employer) is probably unhappy too, so it’s pretty safe to assume my new job will break up with me soon. I feel like a complete failure plain and simple.
Other things are definitely less than ideal too. I still haven’t made many friends in my new area. Money is super tight bc of the wedding and my employment situation. I hardly see Mr. Panda now with his four hour commute to the city, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I would follow Panda to the end of the earth. He is the most important and beautiful thing in my life. I just don’t want to see him suffer because I can’t seem to get any of the rest of myself together, yet I don’t know how to do it.
<div class=”blogContent”>I’m so afraid Mr. Panda just doesn’t see me the same as he did when he proposed. In fact I think his level of respect for me has dwindled to almost nothing 🙁 I don’t blame him … who could love/respect someone who can’t even keep a waitressing job?