(Closed) I'm a crying mess….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’s a tough one ๐Ÿ™  Unfortunately, this is one of those sticking points where there is no real compromise.  One of you will not get what you want.  Well, theoretically, you could BOTH have what you want, but then you wouldn’t be together.

I think at this point, you have to decide what is more important to YOU.  Think long and hard.  Changing his mind is likely not an option, and if yours won’t change either, I think you know that this relationship is going to be unfulfilling to at least one of you.

Post # 4
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry ๐Ÿ™ That’s such a terrible position to be in.

As awful as it is I suppose you really do have decide which is more important to you in life, growing old with this man you love and have been with for 3.5 years, or experiencing motherhood with a baby of your own.

That’s an awful choice to have to make but it doesn’t sound like he would be happy being a full time dad and it’s unfair to force him to and would definitely negatively impact your relationship in the long rong to make him.  On the other hand, it’s unfair to ask you to give up your dream of being a mother.  Do you think you can feel satisfied, complete and happy with your life without being a mom?  Unfortunately you will have to decide.

If it’s really important to you and you feel like you’ll always regret not having one or that you’re missing out, I’d say that you have to move on.  As much as it will break your heart, you deserve to experience everything you want in life.  And while this man has been an amazing part of it, you deserve all of it.  You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your dreams for his. ๐Ÿ™

Post # 5
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a deal breaker for me. I would go. He’s telling you exactly what he wants and is showing you who he is. Believe him. Don’t expect him to come around. He’s not willing to compromise and you shouldn’t be either.

Post # 6
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think I would want a child with someone who only wants to be a part-time father on the weekends. Listen to what he is saying. He won’t change his mind. If being a mother is important to you, then you have to move on.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think I would go, too. He at the very least misled you about the sort of life you could expect, and possibly out-and-out lied to you. The fact that he isn’t bringing this up until AFTER you got engaged to me suggests he is either very capricious and reactionary, or that he is willing to say whatever he needs to in order to secure what HE wants out of life. Neither is giong to be a good scenario for you.

Post # 8
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to agree with bbsoon2be , this in fact was a deal breaker with someone I was over 10 years ago. He was someone from my past who came back into my life. He was someone I was so enthralled with. However he had children of his own from previous relationships and didn’t want any more.  He knew I wanted kids, to his credit he broke it off with me. But still yeah definately a deal breaker. 

Post # 9
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@bbsoon2be:  I have to agree with this.

I was married to a man who told me he never wanted children.  I got pregnant after 2 forms of contraception failed…and he immediately said he wanted me to have an abortion.  Even though we were married, he hadn’t changed his mind.  I will not have a child with a man who doesn’t want it, as I am the child of a man who didn’t want to be a father. 

Your partner is 38, he’s already experienced fatherhood and knows he doesn’t want to be a full time father.  If you are 100% certain you want to be a mother, I would leave. 

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to just walk away.  He said he prefers to be a weekend dad.  Who wants to be with a man that already feels that way about his existing children.  He is a terrible father and an awful person. 

Post # 11
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not agreeing on children is a dealbreaker for me.  It sucks he has changed his mind but he is allowed to and neither of you should have to sacrifice what you want.  I know how hard it will be for you to make that decision, but in the long-run it is worth it.  My cousin married at 45 and had her first child at 46 with no issues whatsoever – it CAN be done!  This really isn’t the only reason I would leave him though…  

I could NEVER be married to a man (whether I wanted children or not) who had the attitude that he enjoys being a weekend parent. I have a serious problem with that. It just speaks VOLUMES about someone’s character in my opinion.  He produced those children but now only wants to be a weekend dad?!  To me that signifies immaturity, selfishness, and a lack of taking responsibility.  None of those are traits I seek in a man.  I know fathers who despise only seeing their children on weekends and would do ANYTHING to have their child every day of the week!

Post # 13
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

@EffieTrinket:  +1

 

If you know in your heart that you want to be a full time mother, and not just a part time step-mother to his children, then you need to leave and find a man who wants what you want. 

Post # 14
Member
6025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

this would be a deal breaker for me ๐Ÿ™ I feel like this is one of those key make or break issues. To sacrifice your desire for a child would eventually lead to resentment and if he is clearly stating that he does not want a child, that would really be it for me. I wouldn’t necessarily pack up and leave, I would have some tough conversations though and I would start to figure out my next move. Its unfair to both people when something like this comes up. its unfair to him to put pressure on him to do something you both know he doesnt want, and its unfair of him to deny you something you both know that  you want. This is why its a deal breaker for me, there is no middle ground. Plus, a man who openly says he likes only being a weekend dad, is not the kind of man I would want to have a child with.

Post # 15
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Miss Pez:  No matter what he does with them he prefers to only be with them 2 days per week and he admits to that fact.  You can make yourself believe whatever you want but any many that would prefer to spend only 2 days per week playing daddy is not a father.

Post # 16
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Miss Pez:  i’m sorry.  he obviously does not want to be a father again.  if this is something that you really want, you need to move on.  when you really think about it, do you really want to pick a someone who is content being just a “weekend dad”.  to me, that is not a big enough commitment.

there is no compromising on the non-negotibles.

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