- 6 years ago
I’m a guy needing some womanly advice 🙂 This is a long post so proceed with caution.
I found this board after dealing with a broken engagement. I am 26 and she’s 25.
Here’s my story: Dated a fun girl for about 6 years, and engaged for 1, Living together for a year, had a year of long distance while I was looking for a job, and 2 years of living together.
She was great and we evened each other out. She was a party girl and I was a party guy; she was more of an extrovert who would talk to anyone where as I was someone who was comfortable around my friends. I didn’t need to party all of the time but partying was her hobby. She didn’t have any hobbies ever and always needs someone else to entertain her.
I had a good family life while hers was filled with alcoholism and depression. Her mother was not there for her and emotionally abused her as a young teen.
We figured we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and I could deal with her flaws and she could deal with mine. She had a lot of growing up to do (financially and emotionally) but her loving nature (most of the time) made up for her short comings. She was a moody person and some days it seemed like I couldn’t do anything to make her happy. I am a very affectionate person too, but I was planning my/our life and was starting to grow up and knew what I wanted in life. She mentioned if she didn’t get a ring by the time she was 24 she was leaving. When she got the ring she said she didn’t mean what she said and she was extremely happy we were moving forward.
Here’s the hard part: She wanted kids and so did I. About a year ago she tells me she hasn’t been on birth control for a year and a half. A suprise to me! She then wants me to get checked to make sure I’m not sterile. There was a brief moment (couple months) where she was depressed about this. She didn’t have any friends of her own (but we shared friends) and we both worked seperate hours. We never really had a lot of personal time together.
Fast forward 6 months and she gets pregnant. We’re excited! Two months later she miscarries and it takes a hard toll on both of us. I’m an emotional person and she isn’t. She doesn’t talk about her problems and bottles them up and forgets about them. Out of sight and out of mind is all she knows.
Now beings our downward spiral. She didn’t have a normal period for about 3 months afterwards and her hormones are all sorts of messed up. She meets new friends where she is with them 4 nights a week and decides she’ll come home when she feels like it. Tells me she isnt doing anything wrong and doesn’t know why I’m mad at her for not coming home. I stop trusting her when she doesn’t come home. The nights she doesn’t come home, she sends tons of text messages to friends at weird hours of the night. She wonders why I don’t trust her…again she says she’s not doing anything wrong. I asked her to tell me when she doesn’t come home by sending a text so I’m sure she’s OK but she doesn’t
Her friends are not good people as far as I’m concerned: gossip, drama, more worried about everyone elses issues than theirs, talk about everyone else but fail to look in the mirror at themselves…. She hasn’t been the same person since meeting these people and since the miscarriage.
I slowly see our relationship drift apart. She doesn’t think I love her and I don’t think she loves me although I tell her all the time my feelings for her. I ask her to spend time with me and she ignores be because her and her friends always have stuff planned and I never do, according to her. So I gave up trying. Emotionally I was exhausted trying to make her see what she was doing was killing me. A year ago she said the same things to me and I changed my ways as I saw her pain; she wouldn’t change for me. She swears up and down there wasn’t anyone else. She brings up things from the past that I said to hurt her. WHen we first started to date, I didn’t know if I was emotionally ready to have a relationship so I thought about ending it. She brings this up a month before we split saying “You never forget about things like that”. I feel that this girl doesn’t know what’s going on anymore. I think she has something hormonally off in her body that she doesn’t even know what she says or does. Just turned into a selfish person.
She wanted a house but wouldn’t contribute to saving money for one. I wasn’t going to by a house just because she wanted one…it would have been my money and we couldn’t compromise on what we needed.
Fast forward another couple months. We get in a drunken fight about her ignoring me. We reconcile the next day and we both want a fresh start I offered counseling but she refuses and not for the first time. Two days later she doesn’t come home and I’m livid. I tell her to move out and leave the ring. My anger got the best of me and I’m naturally not an angry person. We meet the next day and I offer counseling. She refuses and takes off the ring and says she isn’t herself and needs a “break” because all we’ve been doing is fighting. She says she thinks if we would have bought a house and got married things would have been different. I don’t think that would be the case.
We talk a week later and both cry. We both gave up. She thought I didn’t love her and I thought she didn’t love me either.
Anyway…it’s been hard for me becasue I was planning a family for us and was growing up spiritually and emotionally and letting go of the bar scene so I could focus on getting our family started. It’s killing me. She runs away from her problems and puts them in the back of her mind. Sounds like she is having a good time forgetting. Feels like 6 years meant nothing.
After ending it, we met up a couple times to figure out our living situation as we had an apartment together. I had a bad week and told her I didn’t want to be friends. A week later of no contact I met up again to terminate the lease and apologized and said I wanted her in my life. She still holds that statement against me.
I know we’re better off without each other at this moment in time, I feel like I have a ton of weight off of my shoulders and we both seem like we’re getting back to normal.
Last week we would have had our child. I gave her flowers and a card wishing her a good week and I was thinking about her. She sent me a text saying thanks and that was nice of me.
My question is, have any of you experienced anything like this after a miscarriage where it tore your relationship apart or saw a change when your SO gets new friends? I don’t know if I want to reconcile and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to either. It’s only been a month and a week since we’ve been apart. Give me some insight if we did the right thing. I still love her and think about her but if she is trying to forget, then why in the hell am I so tore up? Am I an idiot for wanting her back after the way she treated me? I know it takes two to tango and I did some petty things that I regret, but I need someone elses insight on this.