- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
So I’ve been debating whether to make this post or not. But I think I’m finally at the point where I need to hear some of your opinions. I’m really really sorry it’s so long, I really did try to only put the major points.
Mr. Giraffe and I have been together since October 2010. He proposed to me on May 2012. Our wedding is scheduled for September 2013. We’ve been trucking along making arragements for the wedding. We have booked our venue, our pastor, our dj, our photographer, our cake. I have my dress and my bridesmaids have their dresses.
Over the years, we’ve had our disagreements and such, like every other couple has. Most of our problems stem from the fact that we only get one day a week together, sometimes 2 if we’re lucky because Mr. Giraffe works shift work and his shift rotates every week. And the fact that we live an hour away from each other. So all along, we’ve been saying that we can’t wait to get married, then we won’t have to deal with all of this not seeing each other anymore.
Last year before we got engaged, we had a pretty big fight and Mr. Giraffe had suggested that perhaps we might be better off as friends. I told him that I could not be friends with him if our relationship ended because I love him too much, it would be much too painful for me. So time went on and we healed and a few months later, he proposes.
Over the past 2 weeks, our relationship has been a little strained. I found out he was doing some stuff on the internet that I had told him really bothered me. And he told me that he has some issues and problems (sexual abuse and verbal abuse) that he’s had since he was a child and hasn’t dealt with any of it. I told him that I would be there to support him in any way that I could. He said okay. So a few nights go by and nothing has really changed in his problem area, he hadn’t sought professional help yet, but did go on to a support group online. Where there was a supposed therapist on the board giving advice and whatnot to the people. He told me that she told him that he really shouldn’t be in a relationship until he realizes who he really is and that could take a long time. So I simply said to him “I’m not really sure how to feel about that” Of course he called me with this RIGHT before going into work. He then proceeds to get furious that I turn everything into something that’s about me, instead of focusing on him being the one with the problems. I apologized a bunch of times and that was it. He finished work at midnight and was planning to come to my house after work, so he got there around 1am. I go downstairs and let him in. He’s a little funny. He wouldn’t give me a hug or kiss, but I just thought he was a little stand offish from being upset that I said that comment before work. He eats and we end up going upstairs to watch a movie. After the movie is over and we’re going to bed, he says something about us needing to talk tomorrow. Ok, I dont’ know about any of you ladies, but that’s not me. once the subject talk is brought up, I need to do it now, or I’ll be crazy all night long. So he starts telling me how he was really upset that he came to me with his issues and that I turned them into something that was about me. He then starts going on about how he’s not sure if he really wants to get married, that he did it for me, and about how is he going to go to his dad to tell him that the wedding is off. and he’s talking about how i already bought my dress and my bridesmaid girls bought them too… blah blah blah. and this point, i am honestly hysterical. he also refers back to last year when we almost broke up and how i said i couldnt’ be friends with him. he said that if he could go back he would pick the friends or nothing. wow. a slap in the face. i really thought this was the end of our engagement and most likely our relationship too. so i finally calm myself down enough to fall asleep, like 5 tylenol pm later. he stays over. the next morning, i’m still super upset. because again, i think this is the end. of everything. i let him sleep for awhile, trying to distract myself in the meantime from not just sitting there crying the whole time. finally i wake him up. i said i can’t do this. i can’t lay next to you and act like everything is fine. i just can’t have you be right here with me knowing what i know last night. his whole demeanor was different. he’s saying stuff like i do want to be with you. i want us to get married. i just don’t know what counseling will do to me. i don’t know who i am, and all that good stuff. so oddly enough saturday had a whole diff vibe than friday night. we had actually had plans with friends to go to a comedy show that night, which i wasn’t sure we wanted to do, but things went okay enough that that’s what we did. and it was okay, we had a great time.
fast forward to this past Tuesday, Mr. Giraffe was getting ready for work at like 10 pmish and i was home laying in bed just thinking about his comment about picking the being friends over being with me. And in an ADD stupified moment, I sent him this big long text telling him that I love him and want to be with him, but that if he really feels that way, maybe we are making a mistake getting married. didn’t hear a peep from him until 10 mins before midnight when he has to be in at work at midnight. he just said WOW thanks for sending me that right before i have to go into work. i’m going in. and that was that. all night i didnt’ sleep. i went crazy in my head thinking about what he could be thinking or feeling. I didn’t think he would get so mad at me for telling him that I wanted to be with him. So 8am when he gets done work, he always calls me on his way home. i didnt hear from him. so i tried to call him. and text him. he just doesn’t reply. finally after i have no idea how many texts/calls he texts me to ask me what i want. i just said that i wanted to talk to him. he said no. i told him that i was going to leave work and come down to his house if we can’t talk on the phone and that’s when he started talking. a little. so we talked for a few and that was about it. nothing too horrible, but that he was mad at me.
im really trying to make a crazy long story into a much more shorter story, not doing too well, i don’t think. anyway, so this morning he calls me on his way home from work. and he’s different. i can just tell. he was telling me how he was doing a lot of thinking at work. about why he is the way he is and some of the things that we’ve been going through. and how he doesn’t know if he feels the way he feels just because he really does or because its how he thinks he should. I somehow managed to keep it together. at least while i was on the phone with him. i told him that he can work on his issues with a counselor and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. i told him i had a name and number of a counselor guy that was recommended to me for him. he asked me to text him the name and number. which i did.
I’m just really really really scared. I’m terrified that this is the end of something that I have been working for and hoping for for the past almost 3 years. I’m terrified that the man I love is walking away from me. I’m really trying to just hold back all my emotions and feelings and things I need to say because I don’t want to push him away. I just want the man that I love back more than anything.
I know this is really long. and I thank you all for reading this. any words of wisdom would be great. Right now, I need all the help I can get.