(Closed) I'm a little lost…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If there is any hope at all of your relationship making it and becoming healthy again, I think couples counseling (and individual counseling for him) is an absolute MUST – I know you sent him the name and number for someone, but I’m skeptical that he will actually make the call. I think you should tell him you want to make an appointment for the two of you, have it be part individual and part for both of you, then make it yourself. He’s going to keep stalling because going through counseling is HARD when you’ve had past abuse, especially sexual abuse, that needs to be worked through.

Right now the way the two of you are communicating is totally unhealthy. I think you already know that, but you’re not exactly breaking that cycle either – emotional texts like the ones you have both sent (and seem to have pretty bad timing with) are only going to make things worse. And the back and forth he is putting you through is just not fair. I went through similar issues with abuse when I was a child as well – those things don’t just go away, he needs to deal with it for your sake and his. So, like I said before, individual/couples counseling. I would stop focusing on wedding planning for the next month or so and instead focus on the counseling and seeing whether or not this relationship can heal, and ultimately your FI needs to make a final decision on whether or not marriage is what he wants. If it’s not, painful as it’s going to be you deserve to know that so you can begin to move on and eventually find someone who does want that, who is excited for marriage with you. I know how badly you want your FI to be that person, but that is going to require some work, especially on his part, and if he isn’t willing to do that it’s better for you to find out now than after the wedding.

 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, I hope yo’re able to get into counseling and things start improving soon =(

Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@msgiraffe2013:  I’m just not sure he’s ready to be able to talk to someone about all of this yet. 
 

If he’s anything like me he’s never really going to be ready to talk about it, he’s just going to have to start anyways. I was sexually abused really badly in my childhood, and it finally came out and I went into counseling when I was 17. And at first I HATED counseling. It was like before everything was in a neat little box in the back of my brain where I didn’t have to think about what I’d been through or deal with it, and all of the sudden it was out and everywhere, and that was really hard to deal with. It took a while for it to start helping. I was a minor so obviously that was easier because my parents could just make me go to counseling even when I didn’t want to. That’s why I think you might need to be a little more forceful about getting him into counseling for him and give him that push to start going. I don’t know if he’d be receptive to that, obviously you know him best, just a suggestion.

Post # 7
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He chose a really crappy time to tell you all of this, but at least he did it BEFORE the wedding.  I think he is being honest about his feelings with the whole friend thing.  I know it’s hard when we’re with someone x amount of years, but I have usually found when people say something like that (and more than once?  And has felt that way for a year?) they mean it.

Losing deposits and canceling a wedding will be easier than a probable divorce.

I feel for you, I hate hearing about these stories.  Because it’s like, why could you not have spoken up before, I DUNNO, YOU PROPOSED?!

BEst of luck.

Post # 9
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you need to give him time to figure himself out…that might mean a break…it might mean a break up. But you simply can’t enter into a marriage with him right now.

For one, he isn’t even sure if he wants to marry you, or just be friends? Is that really how you want to look back on your engagement?

Secondly, he clearly has a lot of unresolved issues, and is not ready to deal with them yet. Therapy is like rehab: you can’t MAKE someone do it, they have to WANT to (obviously there are exceptions to this, but generally speaking). Getting angry with him for not calling the therapist is kind of unfair: it took him 2 years to open up to you: you can’t expect him to open up to a stranger a week later.

Honestly, with everything going on right now (and as much as I’m sorry to say this), I think the best way you can love him is by backing off, and being a friend to him, because it sounds like that is what he really needs. If you don’t think you can be a friend to him (which is fair), then you need to take a real break, where you don’t speak.

Post # 11
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can only imagine how hard it must be, but try to remember: you are backing off for him, but you’re doing it for YOU too. You deserve to marry someone who is 100% certain it’s what they want too, and right now that’s not him.

Post # 13
Member
11353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so very sorry you are going through this.  It has to be incredibly emotionally painful and extremely draining.

In all honesty, I think the title of your post applies to your FI as well as you.  I think both of you are feeling a little (or a lot) lost right now. It’s almost impossible for you to try to move forward with your wedding plans when one person is feeling totally broken and confused and the other is devastated and feeling desperate to try to hold things together for both of them, and both people are feeling wounded and angry.

What is really driving this situation toward some type of immediate, definitive resolution is that you have already invested so much time and money, and other people have invested theirs, in a wedding that is fewer than seven months away. This is the thing that bothers me the most about the whole business of weddings — the long lead-times involved and the non-refundable mega deposits that weigh heavily on people’s minds and wallets as they struggle to make the best decisions for their lives. People begin to feel that they are too far invested in the wedding process to stop it, but that, unfortuntely, is not a reason to keep moving forward.

Whatever you do, please make sure that fear of embarrasment, loss of funds, and a desire to hold onto something that you thought was there but may not really be available to you in this relationship compel you to try hold on to it and go forward with your wedding plans in the midst of such uncertainty.

HUGS!

Post # 15
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@msgiraffe2013:  I am so incredibly sorry you are dealing with such an emotional roller coaster, in a time you should be excited about marriage to this man.

The sad reality of it all is that your future with HIM is hanging in the wind, but not your future all together…I promise you that…no matter how the wind blows.

The good news is that he IS communicating his thoughts and feelings, albeit crappy and sometimes unfairly.  It is not for you to sit and rationalize, because he may not be in a rational place.  It is not for you to fix, but rather his to repair.  If you choose to stand by him while ‘he figures it out’, then listening and supporting him is all you can do.

However, you also have a voice in this too, and therefore, should have ‘point’ where you say ‘no way, this is NOT what I signed up for’.  I think we can all agree he needs counseling…solid counseling.  If he provides excuses as to why he cannot seek outside help to guide him thru this, then I do not see how you can be too supportive.  With that said, counseling MAY make him realize he is not ready for committment, and well, supporting that by giving him that break up and moving on will be imperative too…albeit tough.

If you choose to stick by him, and only you can make that decision, then I also think you need to seek counseling to move on from this rough patch.  Although we can forgive others for hardships, it is really hard to forget the hurt.  I would hate for you to eventually enter into marriage with this man, and have a ‘chip on your shoulder’ for all of this.  More so, because it could be a mental thing for him, it could happen again in the course of your relationship.  Finding a way to deal with it, if you choose, is so important.  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
21 posts
Newbee

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I really think you need to walk away from this relationship.  Maybe not permanently, but at least until he has applied some serious effort toward recovery/learning how to cope with his experiences.  My reasoning is two fold: 1. he’s not being fair to you and goes so far as to call you selfish for thinking about your own involvement. 2. he seems unwilling to take the necessary steps towards recovery, despite the toll it’s taking on him, you, and your relationship.

As for the “better as friends” thing.  Sure, people say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, but if he’s told you twice that you’re better off as friends then I’d wager he really means it.  As much as you might want to, you can’t help or fix him right now and continuing to fight for your relationship is only going to hurt you in the long run.

Previous posters are right; you DO deserve far better than this.  He’s not a bad man, but he’s in a bad place and I think he’s trying to give you an out because he doesn’t want to take you down with him.  You can’t make him get help if he’s not ready to, and you can’t stay in a relationship where you’re the only one trying to save it.  All you can do is tell him you love him, wish him the best, and do what’s best for yourself.

Oh, and both of you need to stop with the poorly timed text messages.  If you need to get your feelings out, write them in a letter and then reread it when you’ve had some time to calm down.  If you still feel the same, give it to him.

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