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You need to have a little chat with him about how inappropriate his response was. It is not your fault; if this is how he manages stress, then he needs to find a counselor or find other ways of dealing with it. If it's like this when he's in school, what's it going to be like when he's had a rough day at work? Jeez. Totally uncalled for.
There's a great article that got turned into a book, "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage".
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html
One of the things that the book version said is that when your partner is super stressed and upset, sometimes it's best to just not engage them and let them work it out on their own. It can really help de-escalate situations sometimes...
Good luck!!
umm ...no you are not stupid ,, sounds like hes acting a little ridiculous!! maybe in the morning try and talk to him about his stress level and not to take his other problems out on you in an angry way.
You did nothing wrong. Yes, when people get stressed out they can take it out on others. Sometimes much more than they mean to. But there's a difference between telling you that you asked a stupid question and telling you that he hates the sound of your voice. That is not a normal stress response.
Don't bring this up while he is so stressed out, but he needs to find better ways to cope. It's not an acceptable way to treat you. He might benefit from talking to a counselor (perhaps they are available at school?) to help him come up with some methods for diffusing his stress.
@mrbee: Thank you that was actually a very helpful article. It does make sense that by even acknowledging bad behavior it encourages it.
My FI gets totally disproportionate when he's stressed: he realises he does: he still does it. So I have learned to literally walk out and close the door after me. My temper boils up in response to his, so I just walk away and let him cool down! I know we'll have to find a better way to deal with it, though, specially if we do have kids...
@SweetRose2011: Nobody's perfect. We all have moments where we lose our composure and say things we don't mean or act in shameful ways... but if he regularly takes out his frustrations on you by screaming, throwing huge tantrums, and calling you stupid (wow), I think it could be a big problem.
Is he sorry afterward? Does he admit fault and apologize? Or does he pretend it never happened or pin the blame on you for making him angry? (Let me clarify, you did NOTHING wrong, so any blame on you would be completely undeserved.)
If he knows that treating you this way is wrong and he wants to change, then there's hope. Maybe he needs some counselling to learn better ways to cope with stress and anger. If this is the case, then maybe pick a moment when he's calm and not stressed and try to talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel when he yells at you like that, and ask him what he'd be willing to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because there really is no excuse for a grown man to be acting like this, no matter what the provocation.
If he denies that his temper is a problem and won't do anything about it, well... it's up to you to decide if that's something you'd be able to tolerate in your marriage. Unfortunately, behavior like this tends to get worse over time, not better. If you decide to stick with him, make sure you have a good support network that you can turn to if it gets really bad.
Personally, if my fiance did that to me once, I might forgive him. Two times is a pattern though, and that's a dealbreaker. It's your choice to make.
Wow. Hey, I'm pretty guilty of displaced anger and frustration. But I don't just fly off the handle and call them stupid and insult them.
Maybe this is an isolated incident and he's under a ton of pressure. But I agree with th others. You need to tell him how you feel. And be sure he sees your angle. You were trying to help and he insulted and hurt your feelings. He needs to understand that. But also, he might be the type of person, where if he's dealing with something he doesn't want anyone to come near him. I'm like that. If I'm stressed, I don't want anyone to talk to me. He should tell you what he wants or doesn't want from you when he's stressed. Does he want some coffee....toast? Does he just want to retreat into his cave? Does he just need you to take care of dinner?
good luck.
@Tanya123: I think that, too is where sometimes we don't see eye to eye. I feel the need to have someone there to help me where I don't think he always does (and I'm just now realizing this after two years of being together)
How old is he, sweetrose? Not that age makes a difference either way, really, but my fella was well into his thirties before he figured out he *might* have a problem dealing with stress... And we were about 5 years together before we learned how to deal with each others' responses to stress.
Gosh. I hope he apologizes, because that was really unnecessary. My husband is in school too and it's been wreaking havoc on our relationship; we never see each other and he has been lashing out at me for things that aren't even my fault. So I can relate. However, what your FI said was so mean, and personal. Does he have a tendency to fight dirty, when you do fight?
I know everyone's knee jerk reaction is always "go to counseling" but I think it might help identify negative conflict resolution patterns you two have. Can you try premarital counseling? Because even though he is stressed, he cannot be mean like that to you. That is not acceptable. He needs to change that, and maybe there are ways that your conflict resolution style needs to change too (I know mine needs a lot of work).
Just leave him alone and be super sweet. he will feel really bad that he did that tomorrow, or when he is done with his paper. Stress does serious stuff to people. My hubby is in school too and he is super stressed, he gets really grumpy, but you cant take it personally. I jsut leave him alone and be really quiet and try to make life easy for him. I know he is just working hard in school so he can make a better life for us. There is no excuse for calling you stupid, but if it is just a one time thing, he will feel bad about it an apologize and hopefully it wont happen again.
I'm going to be blunt: I would not marry someone who calls me stupid and tells me he hates the sound of my voice. Period.
I just want to commend you on not flying off the handle yourself! If I had been in your situation, things would've escalated into something HORRIBLE because I have a nasty temper (not something I'm proud of, and I'm working very hard to change). Good for you for staying calm, and I hope he apologizes soon for being a jerk, and I hope he learns that taking his stress out on you is not the way to deal with it.
After he's calmed down you need to have a talk with him. It's not ok to scream and swear at your FI, no matter how stressed you are.
I didnt read MR Bees article but I do agree with sometimes when a person is stressed or anxious its best to let them be and work them through it themselves.
I am very much this way. Sometimes when I am very stressed or anxious and my husband says even two words to me that are meant to be nice I will snap. It doesnt happen that often but it has happened. At this point he understands that if I am acting stand off-ish that he should just leave me alone and I will come to home when I have calmed down - this is even when a situation has nothing to do with him. It is hard to deal with Im sure so just try this next time and hopefully it will help the situation.
... this behavior is NOT okay. Not okay. It's one thing to be stressed, it's another to be verbally abusive (like it or not, that's what he was being). I would make it very, very clear that next time that happens, he'll either be taking anger management classes or you're walking. Don't let this escalate.
wow - hun, that is downright NUTS! I know people handle stress differently, but if you were trying to PLACATE him, he had no right to take it out on you. When I get stressed about school (and yes, it's midterm season here, too) I welcome the FI's "de-stressing" advances. I realize I can get snippy sometimes, too when I have a lot of work to finish and very little time to do it (I've been working since 8 am today and just finished 30 min ago), but he usually just leaves me alone when that happens. I try to not go off the handle though. I would talk to your FI and tell him that his words are really harsh and that his stress is not your fault, and tell him to find an outlet for that stress and quit using you as a punching bag. Good luck hun!
My SO is also in school and he definitely gets stressed sometimes and can be short/snippy/snarky. NOT very often and not any time recently but there have been times where he just irrationally gets angry and I pretty much do what Mr. Bee's article says. I leave the room. I go to bed. I will actually ignore him completely. Sometimes this means I go to bed, get up for work, and don't see him until the next day. When this happens, I almost always get an early morning text, apologizing for his behavior and come home to find him being extra attentive and sweet. If I were you I would ignore him for a while. Let him work out his own stuff. Do your own thing and give him the space he clearly wants. If he tries to go back to normal without apologizing in a sincere way, call him out, calmly. Let him know how much he hurt you and how unfair it is for him to take out his frustration on you. But only do this if he's calm and not stressed/frustrated.
has he ever been tested or diagnosed with any learning difficulties or allergies? A lot of people (including those diagnosed) think that once you leave elementary school learning disabilities just go away or "aren't legit." Unfortunately they are, and to me it sounds like there's something behind he scene's more than just a short temper.
"there have been times where just because he doesn't feel like he can do it he won't" This is textbook LD
His outbursts could also be some sign of turrets or even a food allergy.
If I didn't suffer from these symptoms myself I probably would also be in the "LD's are a bunch of made up crap" camp, but unfortunately so many people are very uninformed. If I didn't learn how to cope with them I wouldn't know what to do now when I get into feelings like your FI.... luckily I can recognize my freezing is a symptom and that I "can" do things and I need to push through... or that I'm grumpy and short tempered because of my blood sugar or eating something I clearly knew I shouldn't have...
Thank you everyone for your responses. Today he was much better and calm, when he came to pick me up from work, even though he had an awful day. I honestly think that he has gotten better about his stress management throughout the time we have been together (two years). He knows how important him working on school is for us so Ihe actually woke up this morning and finished everything at like 6 AM. (actually pretty proud)
I KNOW KNOW KNOW that he has no violent tendencies, and that he just doesn't realize how his words affect me (even though I have told him in the past how they hurt). I don't believe he does it intentionally.
@KLP2010: I guess I never thought about the food allgery problem. When he was a child he had a lot of problems with headaches and was tested for food allergies that had to do with that. It had restricted him so much that he ended up saying "forget it" and eating everything they said not to. He still gets headaches and some weeks are worse then others but maybe that is an issue.
As far as school, however, he's always told me that he has struggled in it. I've always accounted it to not being well organized. I just don't know that, if it were to be a learning disability, how I would even be able to bring it up to him I guess.
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Am I completely stupid? I don't understand. Whenever my FI is in school he gets completely stressed out. And it doesn't help that I am easily stressed when he is because I tend to feed off other people's emotions. He's not amazing about his time spent doing homework and there have been times where just because he doesn't feel like he can do it he won't. I know he's trying so I'm not trying to bash him but he just freaked on me because this last week has been really rough on him. It's midterm time so every teacher has a paper coming up. Last week he forgot what day it was and was late to class. And then he got the nasty cold I did and is currently feeling awful.
Anyways I know he has a paper due tomorrow so when I saw him open his textbook to start working on homework I shut off the tv and asked if he needed his computer back (which I am now using). He basically freaked out because he thought it was a stupid question and screamed "I can't believe how $#% stupid you are sometimes. I told you I don't need it!" and then after a minute or two banter of him screaming like a child he said "I am so %$# sick of the sound of your voice!" and went to bed. I promise I didn't egg him on. I was trying soooo hard to be helpful. I just can't handle the stress of trying to help him and him already stressed, etc.
He's never usually like this. I can't even remember the last time this happened. I just get so ANGRY when I feel like I'm not supposed to say anything but take it like it is. Am I stupid? (p.s. I'm in this for the long haul, I just don't know how to calm him maybe?)