Post # 1
I will be in my friend’s wedding in the fall. I will be visiting her city only once between now and the wedding and regrettably do not expect to make it to the shower or bachelorette. With all the BM/MOH posts I read here complaining about fellow BMs not pulling their weight in planning pre-wedding activities, I don’t want to be delinquent on my duties, but I simpy can’t be there.
The Maid/Matron of Honor just emailed the rest of us with plans for the shower and bachelorette. How do you suggest I communicate to the fellow BMs my inability to participate without coming across as stand-offish or uninterested? Are there any expectations about contributing money for these activities if I’m not otherwise involved?
Post # 3
Tell them what you said. You should not be penalized for being far away and not able to afford multiple trips. You are NOT required to help plan these events. If you want to, that’s awesome of you. But not everyone can do everything.
If you still want to feel involved in the bride’s planning, maybe get onto pinterest and you can follow her boads – you can even do shared boards so the both of you can pin ideas onto the same board!
Post # 4
As someone with many long distance friends, I would suggest calling your friend fairly often and be willing to talk over all of the wedding details – ask many questions, be interested! This would be very valuable to me! Maybe for the events you can’t go to, you could skype or call the day of and say that you hope it goes well. Anything that shows you care is great!
Post # 5
I agree about regularly calling and emailing just to check in. Feeling emotionally supported throughout the process will be much more valuable to your friend than your attendance at the shower or bachelorette.
Post # 6
My Maid/Matron of Honor is dealing with the same feelings you are right now. She wants to help but she’s out-of-state and I’m getting married in the fall. She made one trip down here in April despite me telling her just to save the money. She helped make flower girl baskets and while she was here she helped find bridesmaid dresses. I tell her not to worry about the parties — not a big deal and that I just want her here by my side. She still seems to feel bad about stuff despite me reassuring her it’s okay and it is OKAY. It’s not a big deal — I’m sure your friend will be understanding. She knew your situation when she chose you so don’t worry. I like hearing ideas from my Maid/Matron of Honor and she calls/texts me to keep in the know. Plus I send her stuff a lot so she feels included. 🙂
Post # 7
Like PP said, call, email, skype, whatever you like, but just be there to support her and to share her excitement. Pinterest sharing is a great idea! Maybe, if you can afford it, surprise her by booking her a spa treatment in her hometown where she can relax thanks to you! You’ll be on her mind, even if you can’t be there with her 🙂
Post # 8
I’m going to echo what other ladies have said–keep in touch. Two of my five BMs are out of state, and my Maid/Matron of Honor is out of own. I started a private Facebook group for them to communicate, my Maid/Matron of Honor emails me, people text me. We’re still pretty far out from my wedding, but I expect that they’ll communicate with one another without me. I am absolutely not expecting my out of state BMs to make it to showers/parties/etc. (although my cousin said that, as long as she has enough notice, she’s going to be here).
Post # 9
I agree with the other PPs-just be there to listen. I had one long distance Bridesmaid or Best Man who always asked how the wedding planning was going which meant a lot. Something she did since she couldn’t make it to town except for the wedding was she made my favors for me. She made these awesome chocolates and tied them in cute baggies for me which was truly above and beyond anything I expected her to do. It’s very sweet that you’re concerned about being a good BM!
Post # 10
Ditto to what all the PPs said. Just keep in touch. I think Pinterest would be a great idea, too. Other than that, you’re not required to do anything except get your dress on time. I had two long distance BMs (one from out of state, the other one in Japan), and that was really all they could do, and I was perfectly happy with their contributions.
If you really want to go above and beyond the call of duty, you could ask if there’s a small project you could do for the bride from afar. For example, if the bride wants to go the route of silk flowers, you could volunteer to put together the bouquets. There may be other similar projects, too. However, all that would be completely optional.
Thank you for being such a helpful bridesmaid! I’m sure your friend appreciates it. No wonder she chose you; you’re obviously a great friend.
Post # 11
I agree with the PPs – my only Bridesmaid or Best Man lives thousands of miles from me now; but she’s always on the other end of the phone for me and that means more to me than her being in my living room helping with DIY invitations.
You’re far enough away that you don’t have to get caugh up in the day-to-day drama, so you can be a calm voice of reason and sanity!
I’d suggest that you do keep up with the email correspondence and reply to all the bridesmaids, letting them know that you don’t want to “slack off” just beacuse you’re out of town, but you aren’t able to physically make the trip either. Figure out if there’s a project you can work on long distance maybe? Perhaps you could be skype’d/FaceTime’d in during the shower (or part of it)?
Your location shouldn’t make you the bad guy, and the rest of the bridal party should understand that. The bride must love you or she wouldn’t have asked you to stand up with her – and she knew full well where you lived when she asked!
Most of the “slacking BM/MOH” posts that I see around here are from brides who don’t get any help or any parties and they just feel bad, like their girls don’t love them. Stay in contact, do what you can, be supportive and show up with a smile for the official wedding activities – I bet the bride will be thrilled to finally give you a hug.
Post # 12
One of my bridesmaids is in Wyoming and the wedding is in Maryland! I tried on dresses as soon as I was engaged just for a fun trip then she always asks how plans are going, etc. I don’t expect her to fly in or contribute money to any of the other “things” but am just THRILLED she can fly in for the wedding. I wouldn’t feel obligated to do too much more than that! If you wanted to, you could offer to do the morning of breakfast or bring mimosas to nails and hair appts… just something small. If this bride is a truley a friend, she will understand that distance doesn’t mean lack of love or interest!
Post # 13
One of my bridesmaids was in Guam with her husband when I was planning my wedding and didn’t move back home until 3 weeks before the wedding. Honestly, I was just so freaking excited that she could be there to share the day, I didn’t care that she didn’t help with the shower or wasn’t there to address invitations or anything like that. The other bridesmaids knew and loved her so they didn’t care either. You’re far away, so you shouldn’t be expected to do all the little day to day bridesmaid stuff, and they should understand that! Just keep in touch and ask if there’s anything you can do from where you’re at and that should be plenty.
Post # 14
I wish I could just “like” this post!!!! It’s so nice to read!! I agree with the PPs. Pinterset, private FB group, emails, just being there!!
Post # 15
I know I am just echoing others but I totally agree…just being in touch and showing an interest is so important. I’m not from the States so I am not sure of Bridesmaid or Best Man etiquette there re. showers etc but I certainly wouldn’t expect a Bridesmaid or Best Man of mine who wasn’t able to be there to share responsibility and cost of them.
Like others said call, email, skype etc and the bride-to-be will be overjoyed. It is usually a BM’s lack of interest that hurts the most in these situations and I think it is wonderful that you do really want the bride to know how much you do care and that it is just geography keeping you away – not a sudden boredom of the whole thing.
Maybe ask her if there is anything you can still do – maybe suggest to her that you can look out for things she needs? Put together a bride kit for her for her wedding shower and send it to her? Scented candles, beauty items, trinkets etc?
I would just be honest with the other BM’s about you being unable to contribute to the shower…I am sure it won’t be a problem. You could send an email saying “Unfortunately I can’t be there to celebrate with you, but I would love to help you come up with some fantastic ideas for our wonderful friend so she has an amazing time”
Post # 16
You’re a sweetheart. Stay in touch with her and with other bridesmaids as needed, which will help you figure out the degree to which your friend will want you/expect you to be involved. Most important is to respond to emails and texts as promptly as you can. This is a big one for everyone, even local folks — your friend will really appreciate this.
As a bride who planned her own wedding from a couple states away, there’s a lot of stuff that you *can* do if she needs, wants or expects you to do it. The Internet is amazing! From my own experience, you could help her research transportation, bakeries, makeup artists/hair salons, venues, photographers…etc etc. If she needs help brainstorming about decor or looks, you guys could share a Pinterest board. Or she could give you a specific project, like “I want to have a candy table — can you help me research how much it might cost and ways it could look?”
HOWEVER — offer to help as needed (and as you can manage), but let her come to you with her needs. I love my bridesmaids, and I love the fact that they’re basically going to show up with their dresses and shoes and be really enthusiastic. I didn’t really need to juggle more voices in the planning process. But some brides clearly want to plan this thing with their friends. You should be able to tell soon what she needs. 🙂