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Maybe try breaking down for him what a wedding costs? Perhaps he doesn't realize what costs money and how much it costs. Or, if he does know, maybe start hinting -- if we don't save more we'll have to cut back on X (something he cares about deeply, like the open bar or a particular dinner entree).
I feel for you on this. I'm saving most of my checks (after bills and rent) for the wedding. FI hasn't been able to contribute much because he's paying for school out of pocket. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your FI gets his act together soon!
I don't have any advice but here's an article that you may find interesting: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090728/lf_nm_life/us_finances_marriage
My FI is TERRIBLE if he has access to money. Like we had an "extra" 400 in his checking acct that was left over from bills... not really extra, could have went to the wedding or something, but we went and got a Wii instead...Yeah I know I am at fault too, but he would have done it on his own. When he was working at the bar he would spend like 300/night and he drank for free...how does that work??
Since he knows he is bad, he kept his childhood acct at a bank with NO ATM!! Thats right, this place is old school.. no atm, no online acct access, no computerized wire transfers.... Most of his paycheck goes in there... It takes a week or more to transfer money out of that account unless he physically goes there (an hour from our house) and gets a check from them.
See if you can find a bank like that. Or maybe set up a checking accout for the wedding and just put your name on it. Since I am assuming you are taking that on. Tat way he cant spend the money he gives for the wedding without you giving it to him. i know that sounds like you are his mom giving him an allowance, but maybe that is what he needs.. I have a freind who is 30 and he has to have someone take his paycheck, cash it and take the bills out and give im his allowace..or he will spend it all, bills and everything.
Set up a joint account for the wedding then have part of your paychecks automatically deposited. It works great b/c you can't really "touch" it. I mean, ya can, but it's all automatic!
I'd lay out a big excel sheet with the budget, what the wedding costs, and what you physically need to save. It's kind of a one thing or the other when it comes to the wedding. Neither of us bought unecessary items while saving for the wedding.
I was just going to post that Yahoo! article too!
Perhaps you can say... if your wedding is $20k, that you be responsible for $10k and your FI is responsible for the other half. If that doesn't mean much to him, maybe itemize things for him to be responsible for like the suits, the cake, his ring, etc. and not that he has to go look for all these things himself, but that he is just responsible for paying for them. Be real about it but if wedding day comes and he doesn't have a nice suit to wear, it'd be his responsiblity.
Sit him down and have a talk -- in a nice, non-threatening way, of course. No use nagging him (he won't remember) and no use for you to be mad and frustrated. Tis a good time to work on them communication skills we all need to develop in marriage. Good luck!
I'm a personal finance writer, and more than that, my fiance is a spender and I am a very frugal saver. Here's my advice:
Set up three checking accounts. One for you, one for him, and one for joint, household expenses. Set up a joint savings account as well (and separate ones for each of you if you want). Then, figure out how much your joint expenses are every month. Things that are fixed - the rent, car payments, etc. are easy. Ballpark the others - like groceries, and always, always over estimate. If you want, you can also include other things that are paid for each month, but aren't necessarily joint expenses (like prescriptions, or student loans). We do. Also include anything you want to put into savings. When you have the grand total amount, subtract it from your combined monthly take home pay. So, for example, let's say your expenses are $2500 a month, and you want to save $500 a month. Say you make $4,000 a month combined after taxes. That means you'd have $1500 left a month for fun. You divide that by two, and you both get $500 a month to cover your personal expenses, any personal savings, and any fun. The rest goes in the joint account and savings. This way, you each have money to spend (or save) as you see fit, but you're making sure that major expenses and savings are covered right off that top.
Thanks for the tips!! The problem is... we've done/are planning to do most of those things. I am opening a joint account today. The problem? Getting FI to the bank (he works out of town) to sign his paperwork. After that it will be easy. For now it will just be for wedding expenses, and afterwards, it will be for all of our living expenses, with about 10% of our paycheck going to personal accounts for "fun" money.
We've done a budget, household & wedding both, estimated how much we both need to save, how much per month, etc. Do I have to start asking him for a #&@*ing check every month?
I am just so frustrated, and I know he is too because everytime I bring it up he gets defensive.
Are you sure the two of you are on the same page in regards to the wedding budget? Maybe he's resisting because he doesn't want to spend such and such on the wedding or on certain aspects of it and doesn't want to tell you? I would be sure there's nothing more going on than the fact that he's likes to spend rather than save.
i can't budget to save my life! well, ok, i probably could, i just don't want to. what i found has worked best for me and FI is the old adage, "pay yourself first." it's tempting to pay the bills and spend what's left, but it's more rewarding to pay yourself first. every paycheck, put aside at least 10% (more if you can----if 10% is too much to start, start with 5%). that goes directly in your savings. then, pay your bills. after the bills are paid, go ahead and spend what's left, guilt free. hopefully, there's something left. pretty soon, it'll become a habit and you'll learn to live with what's left. good luck!
my hubby is like a big kid and thinks nothing of ordering stuff that costs hundreds if not thousands. if its not guitars its dive gear or camera stuff or computer stuff or cd's or dvds (we have thousands of dvd & cd!)
can i suggest that a certain value goes into your account each month (or the wedding account) so that he doesnt even have to think about it - its transfered and accruing interest with no drama?
every month i put $700 into an account neither of us can touch until 1st Nov and this is our christmas holiday escape the families account - its painless this way
Yes! Ask him for a check every month, when he gets his paycheck, that you put in the savings account. I'm sure your fiance doesn't like disappointing you and feels like hell when he spends money he should have saved, and maybe he just needs some of the frugal in you to balance out the spender in him.
I am a bad spender, just like your fiancee. I just had no idea how much I should be spending/saving every month, so I figured as long as I didn't over draft my account by the end of it, I was good. So, I begged my husband to set up a budget, which is actually pretty restrictive (in my opinion) but I've stuck to it because I had a new goal - a goal other than not overdrafting. It sounds ridiculous and I don't think I'm as dumb as this makes me sound, but just horrible with money.
I'm SUCH a spender by nature and my FI is a saver and just great with money - but I have changed my tune dramatically. We started watching Dave Ramsey together (on FOX Business - I hate FOX but this is a very good show) and somehow, it was like a switch went on just by my FI having that show on television. I just don't buy stuff the way I used to and stuff is so much less important to me.
Dave Ramsey really helps you understand the whole point of saving - not just b/c you know its the right thing to do. For me, this was powerful stuff. He also helps with some good tips about building wealth.
If you put Dave Ramsey on TV and ask your FI to watch it with you, maybe it will help him change his tune the way it did me!
Mrs Avocado wrote a terrific post in her personal blog about managing your finances earlier today: http://thatwifeblog.com/2009/08/that-budget/
You should definitely talk about money before you guys get married, not just to pay for this wedding because I am sure this issue will come up again and again after you guys get married. I like the idea by ejs4y8 about setting up a joint account and contributing money to the wedding monthly =)
Sigh, my boyfriend and I are having this problem. He's *supposed* to be saving for two things: a new car and an engagement ring. He's living with his parents right now since his grad school plans didn't go, well, as planned, but instead of SAVING the money he would have spent on rent and utilities, he's been buying books and CDs and going out like there's no tomorrow. Seriously, it's really kind of ticking me off since he's always complaining about how much he's stressing out about paying for those two things! In the meantime, I'm making barely minimum wage and paying 600$ a month in rent + utilities...ugh. He just does't get that starting next year when he's in PHD school and I'm supporting us, he will have NO spending money and I don't feel a bit bad about that.
Did you guys sit down together and spell out exactly what the expectactions were?
While you say he's not good at saving, he obviously is as he has enough money to go to Sturgis. It's just not what YOU want him to be saving his money for. If you haven't laid out an exact $ figure for him to contribute that he is comfortable with then I can't say he's doing anything "wrong".
My FI is not spending any money on the wedding. Why? Because I didn't ask him to. I didn't ask him to contribute to something he doesn't care about. He doesn't care about flowers or dresses or fancy wedding dinners. He cares about marrying me and that can happen any day of the week at the JoP. He is a wonderful man that is allowing me to drag him around and look pretty for a day. And wait more than a year to do it so I can afford it! :-)
My FI spends his extra money on wood working tools and builds us beautiful furniture. Now how in the world could I be selfish enough to ask him to contribute to something I and I alone want and him miss out on his favorite hobby.
Maybe he doesn't feel spending money on the wedding is what he wants to do?
We went to the "cash-in-envelopes" system of budgeting. When we get paid, we take out a bunch of cash from the bank and divvy it into envelopes -- grocery envelope, clothing envelope, my "fun money" envelope, his "fun money" envelope. (Regular bills like rent & utilities stay in the account and get auto-drafted)
It's been an eye-opening experience to both of us just how fast that envelope of cash runs dry. And once it's gone, it's gone -- too bad if a really exciting movie just came out and you're dying to see it -- if you don't have the cash for it in your envelope then you can't go.
It's working quite well to reign us both in.
@Mz. Puppie - We started the cash-in-envelope system too, and it works out fabulously! It is hard to get used to seeing that empty envelope, but it is worth it. That thing was empty in no time during the first month!
@Mackinacjeni - The big wedding was his idea (I was and am still all for eloping) so I do expect him to pay. Aside from it being his idea, we split all expenses (including wedding expenses) and chores 50/50 and we have virtually the same income (although that is besides the point). He wasn't saving money for Sturgis, he basically was planning to use his monthly contribution in a different way. I should mention that the Sturgis plans didn't pan out, and most of the Sturgis money did go into the wedding pot. I think its fair for your fiance not to feel obliged to contribute to something that isn't his idea. So in that respect, I should be the one who shouldn't have to contribute :D! That would definitely not fly in our egalitarian household lol. I don't think asking my life partner to contribute to our special day is selfish. I think that if he cares about me, and I care about him, we will both help the other get what they want.
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Anyone else have a problem with FI spending what he's supposed to be saving?? We talk about this weekly, at a minimum. What is supposed to be our wedding savings from this month's pay is apparently going towards a Sturgis trip for him. :( I am NOT happy. We had the why-aren't-you-saving, its-our-money-not-your-money-now talk. Meanwhile, I'm saving a significant portion of my paycheck to fund our wedding.
Anyone have advice??? How do you get your FI to save with being a nag, and without pointing fingers? I know making this a "we need to save" talk will be the most effective. FI is good about paying his bills, but he can't save money to save his soul.