I'm a screwup.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

So…your father has been using the money that you have been responsibly paying in rent to fund his gambling habit and you think YOU are the screwup? 

Post # 3
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t see where you screwed up aside from desperately hoping that your mother and father would actually live up to their previous promises.

If it has been over 8 years and no real repairs have been done, I think your mother needs to sell the house and split the money now rather than sitting and letting it rot for another 20-30 years. Some people are up to DIY, some people aren’t. And it sounds like your family really isn’t.

If she won’t do that, I think you should give up on the whole thing and move to a more peaceful environment. Your father has a gambling addiction and I highly doubt that is going to change any time soon. Any money you give them is going to disappear and I wouldn’t count on any inheritance being left after he is done. All you can do is disentangle your finances and strike out on your own.

Post # 4
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Tell your parents you don’t want the house and you are done with it. Don’t pay another dime. this is your parents house because NOTHING IS IN WRITING, so let them deal with their money trap. Your parents have royally screwed you here and your dad is an addict and your mom enables him. You are not a screw-up but now that everything is out in the open its time to get out of the situation.

If I were you, I would reconsider your wedding and think about eloping to your destination wedding with just your fiance. You can save money and start anew. Go rent an apartment and get your feet firmly on the ground. This is not worth your misery.

Post # 6
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

gemchick82:  The biggest problem you’re going to have in court is enforcing a verbal agreement with family members.  Never ever make an agreement without writing it down and signing it, preferably with a notary or a few uninterested witnesses.

I agree with newlymintesmrs.  Cut your losses and move on.  It’s unlikely you will recover the money, especially since they can easily argue that you were only paying them rent since you’re an adult living at home and they “weren’t aware” you thought you were investing in the house.

Post # 7
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I agree with the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  Stop putting any money into the house.  Or the joint account.  And you’re not a screw-up.  We all want so badly for our families to just be “normal;” your father’s addiction to gambling and your mother’s co-dependency is not going to allow that to happen.  Cut ties, elope, and move out.  It’s a really shitty situation, but you can’t be expected to support everybody.

Post # 8
397 posts
Helper bee

gemchick82:  OMG. I am so sorry. This story puts my stomach in knots. My parents did something *very* similar to this, and I remember how absolutely devastated it made me. I had the same outlook that you have an obligation to deal with your family, simply because they are your family. So, at the time, I let it go and bulldozed through it on my own. However, it was their (mostly my Moms) very selfish behavior during the entire wedding process recently that was the final straw (that DH and I paid for in full!). It was at that point that I realized that I did not want to carry this very toxic and hurtful behavior into my new life with my new husband.

I didn’t want to fall victim to an unloving parent. Nor will I subject my future kid(s) to this. So, while I have not “cut ties” entirely, I keep my Mom at an arm’s length. I don’t call her, except maybe once a month for 5 minutes to make sure she is OK. When she begins the negativity, I excuse myself from the conversation. I don’t go visit, and am fine with just seeing her on holidays. And, I expect zilch from her in terms of the emotional and mental support that most nurturing moms provide.

I don’t even discuss the negativity, because even that will put me in a funk. I still hear nasty things she says through the grapevine (since she is well aware of what is going on), but it just helps reassure me that what I am doing is the right thing.  It’s sad. It is. However, my life has been so much better for it. What your parents did is wrong, hurtful and NOT something a parent should do to their child. To pull the rug out from under you and take advantage of you is not OK.

Stop feeling obligated to do anything for them, since they’re family. They obviously don’t care, and neither should you until they can recognize how hurtful they are being. Once you have a clear mind, you can then determine with your FI if the money is worth the legal battle. Personally, I’d cut my losses and let them live with what they did. It’s not worth the additional stress and heartache.

In the meantime, I think you need to separate yourself from this situation as soon as you get a good opportunity to do so. It will be SO hard to do, both emotionally and financially, but it will be better in the end… And such a huge weight off of your shoulders! Most importantly, you’ve been there for many years now, so no need to rush. I would also “play along” with them up until you leave, as you plan your “escape” (whenever that may be) in private. I would, however, stop paying anything and tell them you want receipts and such. They don’t need to know you are leaving, and you don’t want their attitudes to get even worse.

Just pleassssse do NOT cancel your wedding due to their awful behavior. Even if it means a eloping, or a very small and inexpensive event with the people who mean most to you. That’s something you will forever resent, and you cannot let this affect you anymore than you absolutely have to.    I hope this gets better for you! Just focus on marrying that loving man of yours! : )

Post # 10
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

im sorry .dont beat your self up too much. you didnt know your family was gonna screw you. hopefully you close on the new house soon

Post # 11
9030 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

gemchick82:  Well, it’s not your fault your own parents lied to you and took advantage of you.  All you can do from here is get out of this situation, and while you may love them don’t ever trust them with anything financial ever again.  You’re not a screw up but they certainly are.  Focus on your own life with your FH and find joy in your wedding.  Make the best of things.  Don’t dwell on the negative that’s already over and done with.  Don’t stay stuck, move forward.  Things will get better! 

Learn your lesson from this – your parents are who they are – and you can love them, but from now on keep very strong boundaries in place so they can’t do any more harm to your life.  And never, ever let them guilt trip you.  You are not in the wrong, they are.

Post # 12
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Without reading the other replies, don’t call yourself a screwup. Your parents are screwups. They took advantage of you and stole from you.

I’d be setting up some pretty firm boundaries with these people and working on getting your own physical and mental health back in order. What a shit situation, stop giving money towards the house and don’t let your addicted father walk you down the aisle.. he doesn’t deserve it.

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