I'm about to lose my shit (long)

posted 3 years ago in Venue
Post # 3
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@BakerBee16:  …duuuuuude, THAT SUCKS!

I’d be calling my FMIL and asking her just what the hell you’re supposed to do now?  Since you’ve budgeted and planned around a “gift” she offered, I think its time she ponied up..one way or another.

You don’t have to be mean, you don’t have to get nasty, but its time to be firm and insist that since you took her word on this food issue, that she make it right, either by paying the 5k for the venue, or getting the aunt with the program.

Post # 4
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee

@BakerBee16:  I like Nona’s idea.

There is also the possibility of cutting most of FI’s family’s guest list out (pay for your own damn guests) and making it a much smaller wedding/menu.

Either she needs to make this right, or you change the wedding to fit YOUR personal needs/budget. And she won’t have a leg to stand on if she dares to complain. 

Post # 5
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BakerBee16:  I never count promises until they are signed and sealed on paper. Your FMIL has made no action that shows you she is serious about helping out with food. if that is the case, then you and your FI – together, aligned – will need to cut the wedding and explain that the money is simply not available. 

Post # 6
Member
8009 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

honestly relying on a reluctant family member to feed your whole reception is a recipe (no pun intended) for disaster. She never even offered- your mom offered for her. Its a huge deal to cater a wedding- I dont think its right or advisible to try to twist her arm to guilt her into doing it. 

I think you need to pony up to the venue $$ and talk to your FH. Itd be one thing if your family is paying, but if its just you- he should be sharing the financial burden with you. 

Post # 7
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

At this time, you need to stop using your FMIL as a go between.  It’s like the game of telephone you played in elementry school or the nasty rumors that got started in middle school; the more people between you and the person you are trying to communicate with (his aunt) the more problems you will have figuring out what is going on. 

Call FI’s aunt;

“Hi FI’s aunt.  FMIL said you had a catering company and that you may be interested in catering our wedding.  We just spoke with our venue, and they had some questions if we were going to be using outside catering.  I had no idea how to answer their questions, and I was curious if you were still possibly interested in catering our wedding.  If you aren’t, thats okay.”

Hear her out on what she said.  If that offer was never on the table, your FI needs to go back to his parents.  Sit with him as he makes the phone call.  It’s his family, and he needs to deal with them.  He also needs to point out to them that your budget was based on the idea that his aunt had offered free catering and you and your parents do not have $5000 to spend on catering.  I wouldn’t ask them to help out directly, but I would definatly make sure she understands the position she put you in.

Post # 8
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@BakerBee16:  I know that you’re venting about the catering…but this part

 

I thought this was great and would save us a lot of money since we are basically paying for the wedding ourselves myself (FI hasn’t paid for anything so far and I think it’s because his mom is telling him it’s the bride and her family’s responsibility). “


WTH? I mean… his mom telling him you and your family should pay for everything is ridiculous?

Post # 9
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i’m sorry for what you’re going though, I couldn’t handle something like this!

I see a couple problems here. 

the first is that your FI isn’t helping you finance the wedding, and you *suspect* that its because his mother is influencing him. Have you not talked about your budget and expectations regarding his contributions towards the wedding? Does he have a job/savings? can he feasibly help out with expenses but is choosing not to?

The second is that you assumed that your FI aunt could help (granted, you were offered this “gift”, but by a second party) without checking with her directly. I have a feeling she was never aware of you guys expecting her to cater, and your FMIL just said that to make a good impression and then forgot all about it. 

 

In this situation i would definitely let your FMIL know that you had been planning around her promise (though I would acknowledge that you should have checked with the aunt regardless), and that her empty promise has left you in a very awkward, uncomfortable position, and that something will have to give (whether that be number of guests from their side, financial contribution from them, etc).

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Call Auntie ASAP. The moment before you dial is the hardest part, trust me. Once you’re talking about it, it will all blow up in your face or you will get a calm answer. Either way, you will know what’s going on and that is half the battle. The important thing is to get an answer. ALL the stress in planning a wedding, for me, is not knowing WTF is happening. 

We were planning on having our wedding at my Uncle’s summer home and it seemed like such a great idea to save money on the venue. Then we realized actually how much work/$$ it would be to take this favor from Uncle. Sometimes, it costs even more (both mentally & financially) to take a favor from a family member than it does to let someone else do it. 

If you do let Auntie take care of your food, it’s a family discussion you will have for the rest of your marriage. It will never go away whether it goes good or bad. You have to commit to this being over your head forever. That’s the deal with family favors – they don’t go away after a cashed check. 

Post # 13
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@BakerBee16:  If you are paying the bill, can you call her and ask her if she could give you a quote on the cost? Come at it as a independent customer with no family ties and see what she says. If she wants to do it and give you a discount, great! If she doesn’t or isn’t able to do it, then you are no worse than when you started. At least if she can’t do it for the price that you want to spend than maybe she can recommend someone who can.

I totally understand why you would be frustrated. Your FMIL sounds like a real pain in the butt and controlling. Best of luck!

Post # 14
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

@BakerBee16:  happy to see it seems like things will work out. but take this as a lesson learned in regards to depending on FMIL. 

Post # 15
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sounds like it’s all going to work out well for you 🙂

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