Post # 1
I have seen a lot of threads about fertility issue and adoption possiblities. I know that adoption is a bit step for a lot of people, and some may benefit from the view of an adult that grew up to be well adjusted after adoption.
A few facts;
I never knew my birth mother and still don’t. I have one letter from her and one letter from my birth grandparents from when I was born. My adopted parents were the ones who took me home from the hospital. It was a private adoption, meaning it was all done through attorneys and there was no agency involved.
I refer to my adopted parents as my parents. They were the ones who raised me. I am very thankful to my birth mother, but she isn’t my mom.
I have one sibbling who is also adopted. His was an agency adoption from a foreing country. I do remember a bit of his adoption process as I was old enough to start remembering at the time, but very little as I was still very young.
My parents have always been very open with me about my adoption. I don’t remember a time I did not understand that I was adopted.
They would also support me if I wanted to find my birth mom, and have been supportive the couple times I have made an attempt at trying. I have never really gone to far with my attempts. I guess I’m a bit afraid of who my birth mother became and if she would even want to speak with me.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
An uncle of mine is adopted and never knew or looked for his birth mother. But when he turned 30, she reached out and contacted him. I guess that was her plan all along, to wait until he was old enough to handle her coming back into her life as she saw it. He now has a relationship with her and her two children (his half-brother and half-sister). Do you ever think of something like this being a possibility for you? How would you handle it?
His parents were very accepting about it but they don’t have his parents and his birth mother over at the same events (ex. their children’s birthdays etc). It also was very hard on his sister (also adopted) who had tracked down and found her birth mother – who wanted nothing to do with her.
I personally think it’s great that your parents were always open with you about your adoption. They sound very loving and supportive.
As a child did you ever have issues with other children knowing you were adopted/giving you a hard time about it? If so how did you handle it? I think it’s becoming more and more common now that hopefully children wouldn’t endure any stigma for “being adopted” but I know when I was a child there sure seemed to be a bit of bullying/cruelty about it between kids.
Post # 4
@Misswhowedding: Props to you for doing this! I’m also adopted, but I think the majority of people considering adoption now are probably not looking at private adoptions, so. Very interesting, though 🙂
Post # 5
@Ms_Purple: If I found her, I think I would want a relationship with my birth mom if that is what she wants. I think I would likely also keep things seperate from my parents, and they would get the first respect in all plans (ie for birthday parties with future children, they would get first go) If I did reconnect, it would also be hard on my adopted brother, as the likleyhood of him ever finding his BM is slim to none.
Growing up for me being adopted was actually relatively easy. I had very curious friends. I remember in kindergarden talking with two of them about the road trip we would take to find my birth mom (when I thought it was that easy)
My brother had a bit of a harder time, as I grew up in a very white community and he is not white. He faced some racism as a kid, but is very well adjusted for all that he went through with that.
Post # 6
@MrsRevolutionize: I found a topic from a while ago from a girl who was asking about kids growing up adopted, as she had found some troubling stuff on line. Instead of dragging up a year old thread, I thought I could post a new one if anyone had similar questions.
Post # 7
@Misswhowedding: Im adopted too! Very similar story,
adopted as a newborn/private adoption.
Same too with my parents. I am super close with my (adoptive) parents, who have been very supportive in anything and everything I do.
I have one adopted sibling (through an agency, international adoption)
I also always knew I was adopted. It was just a fact growing up. When people dont understand I ask them “when did you learn you were a girl/boy?” For me it was the same as any other fact about myself, like having brown hair or what religion I was… just a normal fact.
I was reunited with my biological family through facebook. It has been a heart healing experience. I ALWAYS had the desire to reconnect. I can remember talking about it as early as preschool.
Post # 8
@Misswhowedding: do you have any advice to parents who adopt? Like what to talk about, how to approach the topic, things to never say?’
My husband and I are going to adopt (I have two children from my previous marriage, he has none, I’ve had a hysterectomy). I am kind of nervous because it is all new territory to me and I don’t know how to best approach it with our child when the time comes.
Post # 9
@MrsA1123: I know you asked Misswhowedding, but I figured I’d add my two sense, also being an adoptee.
All I can say is love your child and know they they are yours. My parents bought children’s books that explained adoption (be careful of which ones you buy, some are VERY odd). The one I remember when I was a kid, was a sesame street one. My parents spoke about adoption as a typical normal fact. My mom would say “you didnt grow in my belly like _______ but you grew in my heart. You were always meant to be ours”
I would say knowing a lot of adopted people, a sore spot can be when family discusses genetic likeness. Theres no quicker way to make an adopted kid feel like an outsider, than to talk about how cousin sally, got her deep green eyes from grandma Lily. And how so-and-so looks so much like _____. I wouldnt say never talk about it, but I would say its definitely not something to talk about in great depth, in front of an adopted person.
And my parents always said: if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know (even though they tried hard to follow this, they did not always stick to it- which did hurt my feelings when I found out they were with holding information for me). I think if you stick to that philosophy you will be golden. Answer what you can, celebrate the differences (if there are any), and just love. Good luck on your adoption journey!
Post # 10
@Misswhowedding: I’ve always wondered about this. Did growing up knowing that you were adopted make you feel at all out of your place in your family compared to other kids? How about for your brother? If yes, why/what would you have changed? If no, why/what helped you not feel out of place?
Thank you so much!
Post # 11
@MrsA1123: I don’t think my parents did anything really all that different than they would have done if they had bio children. Being honest about it up front is definatly the way to go. Let them ask questions about the process. I have never heard personally of people hiding that their child was adopted, but I think that would be very painful. Someone is going to tell them eventually, the best place for them to find out is a safe environment where they can ask questions.
At the same time, don’t make it a big deal. Yes, they are adopted, but that is not their whole idenity. They will have special interest, favorite books, toys, songs, ect. Being adopted will only be one part of their idenity. Just like a bio child’s whole idenity is not made up of being related to his or her parents.
Also best of luck! A lot of really great kids need people like you!
@MissMarple: In my family I didn’t feel out of place. At least not more than a some of the bio children that I knew. A lot of kids get that at some point in time where they feel like they don’t want to do what their parents are doing, or when they are a teenager and think they know everything 🙂 In our family, my mom, dad, cousin and aunts and uncles, my brother and I where both loved and welcomed with open arms. The wider community was a bit tougher on my brother due to racism being too alive and well. Inside our family, though, even my most normally crazy racist uncle treats my brother like any of the other nieces and nephews.
My parents being open with us about our origins and everyone treating us exactly the same really is what it came down to never feeling that out of place. There are a lot of DNA factors to people, but really, people are people. I don’t think my parents would have treated us much different if we were bio kids. I know my cousins still had the same talk to my FI that they had to everyone else that has came into our family.
Post # 12
My husband are on a waiting list to go through the adoption process right now, but it takes a long time, so we are looking at another 1-2 years.
I don’t know of many private adoptions nowadays, and that’s not the kind we’re looking at. We are hoping to adopt a child around 2-5. I’d actually prefer a closed adoption, but like I said that rarely happens around here.
Anyway, I have a few questions.
Do you think growing up knowing your birth family would have changed your relationship with your family? I know that one might be hard to answer.
Even tho you aren’t blood related, do you have any similarities (personality, likes/dislikes/, sense of humour, ect) to your family?
Would you consider adoption?
I think that’s it, unfortunately most of my questions would be geared towards someone who was adopted as a child rather then a baby.
Post # 12
Just got linked to this thread and thought I’d add my story in case anyone is interested.
I was adopted at 4 months old. My birthmother was a very young teenager and decided to try and keep me until she realized it was too much. Children’s Aid was called and I was moved to a foster home to await adoption.
My parents (who, I guess technically, are my adoptive parents) had been TTC for many years after they were married. My mom was a nurse and my dad owned his own business, so everyone just thought that they were too career-driven for children. They were put on an adoption waiting list through the Children’s Aid Society when they were 34 and waited 5 YEARS to get me!
They received a call on a Friday night that I was available and were told they had the weekend to think about it before they moved on to the next family. Monday morning my parents called back to say they wanted me and found out that I would be coming home that Thursday. Crazy right?? My mom never gets tired of telling that story. She always says that she had the shortest pregnancy ever. Imagine prepping for a new baby in just 3 days?!
At that time, you weren’t allowed to adopt past the age of 40, so my parents never ended up getting another child. I have a ton of information from Children’s Aid about generic details of my birth parents. I’ve honestly been SO interested in who they are, but never actually wanted to meet them. More of a “I wish I could be a fly on the wall” kinda situation. Just recently, I had to apply for a “long form” birth certificate and accidentally found out the name of my birth mother, but I still have no interest in contacting her. So many people think that this is weird, but although I think that she is an amazing person for going through with the pregnancy and making such a tough decision, she’s not my real mamma 🙂
My parents are my absolute everything! I am the luckiest person on earth to have been matched up with them and if we can’t conceive, there has never been any question in my mind that I would adopt. It was the best thing to ever happen to me 🙂
PS This is a picture of the day i became OFFICIALLY theirs! We had to go to court to have everything finalized a few months after they got me 🙂 I should mention that this happened in Ontario (Canada) and in the 1980’s, so I’m sure things are probably pretty different now!
Post # 13
2catsandaman: I love that picture. Your parents look 100% elated. Such a beautiful story.