(Closed) I’m at a loss

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
47 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

wow…honestly, i dont kno what to say… *hugs* sounds like maybe a marriage councelor may be in order…. :-/  sorry ur going thru this…

Post # 4
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think that there’s ever a time when you shouldn’t be allowed to express your feelings, or when you should have to put on a happy face to try to cheer him up.  And it sounds passive aggressive to me for him to tell you not to do the laundry or cook now so you’ll be less snippy.  That doesn’t sound like it will really ‘fix’ anything.

Maybe counseling is a good idea… but I’ve heard a few people say that it’s not unusual for couples to have a few fights like this (that seem to boil down to nothing but are big and concerning at the time) before and after a wedding – just the stress and adjustment from planning to being married, the stress, any millions of things.

I hope things work out… and IMO, it doesn’t sound to me like you’re being a bitch at all.  From what you’ve said I’d be much more likely to assume that he’s being selfish and pretty immature (and seems like there’s something more to what he’s saying is wrong maybe??)… anyway, it’s hard to comment on someone else’s relationship when you really don’t know it at all, but I’m just trying to give you my first reaction in case it helps to hear it.  You two are the only people who know what’s best for you (regardless of what anyone here says!).  Good luck!!

Post # 5
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am so sorry…. this must be really stressful on you. I think that you guys should talk to someone. From reading this, it sounds like your husband may be a bit depressed. I had a good friend who suffered from depression (we aren’t so close anymore), but when she’d get down, she’d attack those she loved much like he did to you. Telling people hurtful things and trying to distance herself. 

Perhaps all of the stress and chaos of the change in his life triggered something. If you guys could talk to someone maybe they could do something to help…

I doubt that you are boring, or that he truly thinks that you are. If he did, he wouldn’t have married you. Or fallen in love. I think that he is just down and is saying things to bring you down too. The fact that these things worry you and that you do so much to help him shows that you are a caring and supportive wife. 

ps. my Fiance doesn’t do much around the house either, which is totally frustrating. I have him taking out the trash now, which is good. 

Post # 7
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Good for you for approaching him on the counseling.

How about trying again, suggesting that since the doc has diagnosed a depression, counselling would help him to deal with it, and would help you to understand more and deal with him during this trying time? (“this is not about “us”, but about how, as a couple, we could learn together to deal with this illness” – something along those lines)

Post # 8
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It sounds like you’re trying to have an open honest discussion and he’s being selfish. Whether it’s due to depression, or whatever else, it’s still not okay. Hopefully counseling will help the two of you gain an independent perspective. And maybe anti-depression medication and counseling for him will help him get out of the despression perspective – it’s a tough hole for him to be in if that’s the case.

Post # 9
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It often takes people a LONG time to come around to counseling if they are initially opposed, so just keep that in mind. Some people are brought up in families or environments where counseling is seen as a sign of “weakness.” Maybe it would be a good first step to suggest he go to individual counseling if he’s been diagnosed with depression, and you can seek out an individual therapist to deal with all of this. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Virtual hugs and all the support in the world!

Post # 10
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am so sorry you’re going through this. And it is really mean of him to say those things to you– regardless of if its true or not, he should find a more constructive way to say things.

It seems like you have done a lot to help the situation and he keeps shutting you down. Maybe you could tell him that you’d like to have an open and honest conversation without having it turn into a fight/ name calling/ blame game/ etc, and explain to him what you would like to address: his feelings that you’re being snippy, the chores, what exactly his definition of nagging is so you can understand why he is saying that, etc. And then maybe ask him if he would like to have that talk at some point in the future, say, by the end of the weekend or something. I think giving him a heads up that you want to have an important conversation may give him some time to think about things and gather his thoughts, so he can speak to you without feeling ambushed. (Not saying that you did ambush him, but guys think weird things sometimes.)

I’m not sure if any PP’s have mentioned this but it may be that the reality of marriage has just sunken in for him and he’s getting scared. Not that he doesn’t love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you, but maybe he just needs to get used to how things are different in his own head. Like in reality, things aren’t really that different, but in his head, it’s like every little thing is a huge deal because “marriage is forever.” I think maybe he needs time to get used to the idea that you two are married.  

Has he acted like this (mean) in the past?

Post # 11
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I’m going to put a plug in for three awesome books:

The Divorce Remedy – excellent excellent book!  Talks about how to work on a marriage when your partner isn’t ready to fight for the marriage.  A friend said it saved his marriage.

Love Languages – Maybe you guys have different love languages.  My wife is wonderful with acts of service (laundry, cooking) but it isn’t something that speaks to me.  I feel bad about it, but it’s hard to change your love language!  A lot of men feel loved when their SO is physically touching them – maybe that’s why he felt upset when you left?  Especially if he was sick – men can be babies when they’re sick and demand more love.  I definitely do that.

What Shamu taught me about Life, Love and Marriage – A decent book but basically a blown up version of a great article:


I never realized how many things can be interpreted as nagging.  That book taught me how to ask my partner for things without being seen as nagging them.  An invaluable skill.

Good luck!!!

Post # 12
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@mrbee: Def recommend the Love Languages book also, its a GREAT GREAT book.



@Bee5678: I am sorry that he said those hurtful things, I agree he probably really doesn’t think you are boring. I wish I had more advice for you but I just wanted to tell you I hope things turn around for you two!

Post # 13
21 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mr. bee- I third the Love Languages book- it is amazing. It has made a huge difference in our relationship. Well worth $10!

@Bee5678- So sorry you are going through this! I have been in a situation similar to yours, only reversed so I understand how stressful and confusing it must be. It was very tough on Fiance and I and honestly what got us through it was patience (a lot on his part) and communication.

I also highly reccomend the book “The Realationship Cure” by John Gottman. It is a great read and is applicable to every relationship in your life.

I hope things start to get better soon!

Post # 14
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

These kind of posts are always hard, because we only see one side of things (and for all we know, you’ve painted yourself in a better light than you should’ve; I know I would!). The thing with conflict and with relationships, and you know this from the years you’ve been together, is that BOTH parties have to try, have to give, have to communicate. And from the way it sounds like you’re describing, he wants you to do all the trying and all the giving, and isn’t willing to communicate. These are big red flags.

I think you should ask him about counseling again – not as a way to “save your marriage” but as a way to learn to communicate better with each other.

Post # 15
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you should go see a marriage counselor to help you communicate better.  I know we’re only hearing one side of the story here so keep that in mind but it sounds to me like your husband is extremely self-centered and selfish and its always supposed to be about him and what he needs and wants.  He feels free to critisize you and blame you for things but anytime you express a concern you’re “unsupportive” and “selfish” and “nagging.”  He sounds like he needs to grow up and he definitely needs to see that he’s not the only person with feelings.

Post # 16
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You mentioned you’ve lived together since 2007.  Did things change/worsen after the wedding or have you always been bothered by his sometimes being mean and not contributing to housework?

Do you think his expectations of you (like how you “comfort” him or how “entertaining” in conversation you are) changed once you were his wife?

I agree counseling would be good if he eventually comes around.  Not because you have a huge problem – I think you can probably move past these issues if you get help talking to each other about them in a more constructive way.

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