Post # 1
So QUICK background on my mom. She started doing drugs when I was about 5, went to jail when I was in 5th grade, and then went to prison for 7 1/2 years when I was 13 (maybe 14). She missed my high school graduation, she doesn’t keep in touch now that she is home. She hasn’t help raise my sister or I AT ALL.
This is the biggest year of my life. I’m graduating (finally!) from university this Saturday with my Bachelor’s in History and Studio Art! It’s been a really rought road for me to get through school and I’m so excited to be finishing. Also my FI is graduating this Saturday as well in the same ceremony, so we are really excited to share this day together!
We made plans for after graduation to have our families all go out to lunch after. My Dad and his parents have met, but he hasn’t met his grandmother, and my mom and grandmother haven’t met any of his family. My mom lives less than 45 minutes from his mom’s house, and was invited to Easter 2 years in a row with his family, but she kept turning us down, so this year I didn’t tell her she was invited because I was sick of being disappointed in her lack of attempts to be part of my life. Anyways, so we recently had a fight that I won’t go into, but I told her I needed some time to calm down and she should wait on making plans to come to graduation, but that if she wanted to come she could actually try being a mom and calling me every once in a while (she would go the rest of my life without talking to me if I didn’t call her, and I’m not even kididng, yet she talks about how much she wishes she had a better relationship with me and my sister). She didn’t call and didn’t call, and then finally called yesterday (because my grandmother told her to) and said “so do you want me at graduation or not?” so I said she could come but if we were going to have a relationship she needed to put in some effort.
Then she tells me she can’t come to lunch after because she can’t afford it. It’s going to cost her $15 at the MOST for her food, and honestly I know my grandmother will probably pay for her anyways. I call her out on it saying it’s really important to me she come and meet FI’s family, and she says she can do it some other time, but that truth is she just doesn’t want to be around my dad. I reminded her my father would be at my wedding and that I’d prefer they test run their abilities to be adults now versus then, and again that this is important to me that she meet his family. She then says “Fine I’ll come just so you won’t throw this in my face later.” I told her that wasn’t the attitude I was hoping for and if that was her only reason for coming to not bother. She then started bringing up the fight we had had previously and moved on from and I told her I had to go.
I know a lot of people are probably going to tell me to either cut her off or stop complaining, and that is good advice. I guess maybe I just need to hear it more, or see if anyone else has a different take on it. At this point I don’t even want her at graduation, but I still have this sense of obligation and feeling of guilt when it comes to cuting her out of my life.
Post # 2
Pleasr re-read what you just posted… of course you feel guilty! That’s how she wants you to feel. I would look up adult children of alcoholics, they have lots of support groups and you will see they feel similiar to you. Addicts try to make everyone else the problem so they don’t have to take responsibility for their choices. Being partially raised by an addict it’s no wonder you feel so responsible and guilty.
My “dad” has been on meth/crack since I was two. My mom has been an alcoholic and random drug addict since who knows when. They combined assured a horrible childhood for me but I always felt obligated to keep them in my lives and take care of them. But did they feel obligated to care for me the way they should have when they chose to have me? Nope.
For my dad it took until three years ago for me to see I owed him nothing. His first time meeting my three year old and he haf us drive him to his dealers house going crazy eith my kid right next to him. It took him risking my child too see I owed him nothing more than he gave me, which was nothing. .
Mom on the other hand it took until six months ago for me to let yhe guilt and obligation go. When my daughter looked in the mirror at five saying she hated the way she looked poking at her belly. My mom liked to get drunk and poke my daughters belly saying my girl had a big belly even though my kid is totally healthy. Of course mom tried turning the blame on me saying any other parent would have given up on me long ago… even though I am a great person with my ish together.
Hopefully it won’t take so much for you before you throw in the towel. You have already given more chances than she deserved. You have gone above and beyond. Keeping her in your life will only provide pain to anyone close. It is a sad truth and hard to let go of the mom you always wanted but never had. I’m the only of my siblings to be able to do this to either, let alone both, parents.
Somehow after cutting her out my life fell into perfect harmony. I became a new person, felt empowered and a heavy weight lifted.it was hard especially when she was trying to make me feel like I was the one in the wrong but ultimately her guilt trips reassured me that I was doing the right thing.
Post # 3
Mrslovebug: I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “hard to let go of the mom you always wanted byt never had.” When she went to prison there was this promise of being able to start over. She wrote to us and called (however infrequently) and said how she couldn’t wait to have her girls back in her life, and I think we both believed things would be different. Then she got home and has since made no effort.
I think one of the biggest problems I have is that my grandmother and aunt both enable her to be this way, and I have very good relationships with both of them, but I am concerned if I cut my mom out my relationships with them will be hurt. While she was gone they were the family that was there for me (besides my Dad) and they still believe we are all this big happy family again now that she is home, but they werent’ hurt by her (and don’t continue to be hurt by her) in the same way my sister and I have been because they just do and do and do for her and don’t see that it’s only making things worse. She puts in effort with them because she gets something in return (my grandmother gives her all of her leftovers, and helps her out a lot, and my aunt does a bit as well).