(Closed) I’m baaack… and need some advice.

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ok….here is my question:

Why did you guys not discuss your baby timeline and reasoning behind that timeline prior to getting married?

You shouldn’t be getting around to that question almost a year after the wedding. I think you should ask him what he thinks is a good timeline without projecting your own onto him. What things does he want to have in place financially, life-goal-wise, etc before you guys have a kid? How long will those things take?

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

What is his timeline?

Edit:

I see there was never a time line. I think the best thing to do is ask him when he’s going to be ready. My husband and I were married almost three years ago and we have these conversations quite a bit. At first, he was just “talking.” A few months ago he looked at me and said “I’m really ready.” I’m not, but I gave him a time line. I don’t want to have children after age 32/33 for my own reasons (I also don’t want to have them before 28). I think getting on the same page and explaining why you feel a certain way is important. If I were to look at my husband and say, “I don’t want to have kids now..” he wouldn’t get it. But when I say, “I’ll be in school for 24 more months, I have student debt, and would like to get myself situated before taking on children..” gets it.

Post # 6
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I totally get the no-timeline thing (sounds like my DH).  That said – everything you’ve said about his behavior screams that he doesn’t want kids (or doesn’t feel ready for them).  What if you broach it like:  “I need to talk about something.  Aside from everything we’ve talked about in the past, I need to understand how you are feeling about being a father right now.”

That way – at least you can understand WHAT he’s thinking.  Don’t approach it from a: When are we going to start having babies standpoint… but, more from a: I really want to understand what’s going on in your head.

If he was being honest about eventually wanting kids (which I hope he was), sometime is definitely scaring him.  He could have thought his mind would change down the road and is maybe too scared to admit it (hence the fighting) or maybe he’s seen other relationships where the wife neglects the husband to take care of the kids.

I totally understand not wanting to get into a fight before the trip.  Timing is everything.  If you can wait til after the trip, I’d say go the safe route and do that.  But, if you are anything like me, I can’t hold my tongue for very long when there’s a topic on my mind.

This kind of reminds me of waiting for the proposal – not being sure when to push the conversation.

Another random idea:  if he’s the type that needs to process it – what about just saying:  I don’t want to talk about this right now, but can we schedule some time next week to talk about babies and how you are feeling about things.  If you think he’d respond to something like that – it may give him time to process/think about things without feeling like you are getting on his case and/or disappointed in him.  And, it comes from a very non-confrontational stance.

 

Post # 7
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

What about letting him know what timeline you would like and then asking how he feels about that.  

What turns it into a fight?  Because he just doesn’t want to talk about it?  Does he have milestones he wants to hit?  

Post # 9
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would maybe try and find out what would make him feel  more ready. Like is he waiting to accomplish certain things in his job, take a certain trip,, reach a certain age, etc?

Post # 10
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This sounds a lot like the “when are we getting engaged talk” that I had with Mr.R. What “worked” for me was approaching it differently- instead of trying to find out what he thinks (when do you want to…) try telling him what you think (I’m happy with our marriage, think we’ll make good parents, want to be x age so that we can do x together, etc.). Then after you’ve given all these good points you can ask if he agrees. If he does, which I would presume he would, then you can slowly shift to talking about a timeline. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

How old is your husband? My husband is 27 and I know that even if I was 28 right now he would not be ready to have a baby. I want to start trying around 28/29 as well but am lucky because DH is 3 years older so he will be 31 or 32. In his mind after 30 is the appropriate time for him to have a baby. Do you think his age plays any factor in it? Im sorry the discussion is so difficult for you two ๐Ÿ™

Post # 12
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

A lot of guys have milestones they mentally want to hit before something – pay off car, buy house, get promotion, turn 30 whatever.  It could be something like this.

Post # 14
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

it’s a huge step, remember your whole life changes once you have kids, it’ll be completely different, first there’s only two of you nothing to worry about, with kids thats a huge responsibility, even in the early stages you have to watch everything you eat and do to make sure nothing harms the baby; your life completely changes and the way you conduct yourself, every single plan now includes a kid thats a completely different stage in life and you have to be ready

like proposing you have to be emotionally ready for it, both have to be ready, he’s only 27; but everyone has their own schedule, you’re both married, enjoy it, he’ll be ready, everything happens in its own time; enjoy your time together

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