Post # 1
Ladies! Long time no post! LOL Married life has kept me crazy busy, not to mention all of the friends I have getting engaged/married/having babies! 🙂
But I come back to the hive for some of that solid, sweet advice only you Bees can give. A bit of back story…
DH and I have been married almost 2 years (in August). About 8 months after the wedding, I brought up the topic of starting a family. I knew he wasn’t ready then, but I wanted to get the conversation going. He told me at our 1 year anniversary, after we got back from Jamaica, we would seriously talk about it. Well, the 1 year anniversary rolled around, and nothing from him. Not that I really expected him to bring it up on his own, but I was a little sad he didn’t. I let it go for the rest of the year, because from August til Christmas, work is CRAZY busy for the both of us, plus there’s always the added stress of the holidays. So I let it be.
I turned 28 in February… and my baby fever came back with a vengence. I tried bringing up the topic again, and was met with a cold hostile wall for a husband. We ended up getting into a HUGE fight about it… and it ended with him pretty much telling me that I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be married to him. Wha?? I already married you, didn’t I??? He told me that every time I bring up the topic of having a baby it makes him think that I don’t care about him anymore, and all I want from him is his sperm. (His words, not mine).
We’re set to go to Vegas this weekend, as I am a BM in who was my MOH’s (the nice one! LOL) wedding. I am reeeally looking forward to this weekend, as we both took off extra days to make it into a mini-vacay. I want to bring up the topic again when I get back, but I’m terrified it will just turn into another fight.
Any suggestions on how to bring it up? I think maybe I just need a different tactic…
Post # 3
Ok….here is my question:
Why did you guys not discuss your baby timeline and reasoning behind that timeline prior to getting married?
You shouldn’t be getting around to that question almost a year after the wedding. I think you should ask him what he thinks is a good timeline without projecting your own onto him. What things does he want to have in place financially, life-goal-wise, etc before you guys have a kid? How long will those things take?
Post # 4
We did talk about this before getting married. We both agreed it wasn’t something we should set a strict timeline on, which is something I still agree with. Neither of us are big “planners”. I would LOVE to get any sort of timeline out of him, but it’s not gonna happen. It’s just how he is, and I know that and knew that well before marrying him. He just refuses to talk logically about it with me. It always turns into him turning the conversation around and making me feel guilty for even wanting to talk about it.
Post # 5
What is his timeline?
I see there was never a time line. I think the best thing to do is ask him when he’s going to be ready. My husband and I were married almost three years ago and we have these conversations quite a bit. At first, he was just “talking.” A few months ago he looked at me and said “I’m really ready.” I’m not, but I gave him a time line. I don’t want to have children after age 32/33 for my own reasons (I also don’t want to have them before 28). I think getting on the same page and explaining why you feel a certain way is important. If I were to look at my husband and say, “I don’t want to have kids now..” he wouldn’t get it. But when I say, “I’ll be in school for 24 more months, I have student debt, and would like to get myself situated before taking on children..” gets it.
Post # 6
I totally get the no-timeline thing (sounds like my DH). That said – everything you’ve said about his behavior screams that he doesn’t want kids (or doesn’t feel ready for them). What if you broach it like: “I need to talk about something. Aside from everything we’ve talked about in the past, I need to understand how you are feeling about being a father right now.”
That way – at least you can understand WHAT he’s thinking. Don’t approach it from a: When are we going to start having babies standpoint… but, more from a: I really want to understand what’s going on in your head.
If he was being honest about eventually wanting kids (which I hope he was), sometime is definitely scaring him. He could have thought his mind would change down the road and is maybe too scared to admit it (hence the fighting) or maybe he’s seen other relationships where the wife neglects the husband to take care of the kids.
I totally understand not wanting to get into a fight before the trip. Timing is everything. If you can wait til after the trip, I’d say go the safe route and do that. But, if you are anything like me, I can’t hold my tongue for very long when there’s a topic on my mind.
This kind of reminds me of waiting for the proposal – not being sure when to push the conversation.
Another random idea: if he’s the type that needs to process it – what about just saying: I don’t want to talk about this right now, but can we schedule some time next week to talk about babies and how you are feeling about things. If you think he’d respond to something like that – it may give him time to process/think about things without feeling like you are getting on his case and/or disappointed in him. And, it comes from a very non-confrontational stance.
Post # 7
What about letting him know what timeline you would like and then asking how he feels about that.
What turns it into a fight? Because he just doesn’t want to talk about it? Does he have milestones he wants to hit?
Post # 8
Thanks, girls. I’ve just been obsessing about “the talk”, and how it’s never gone well before. I don’t plan on bringing it up until well after we’re back from our trip – ain’t nothin’ gonna spoil this trip for us, least of all me!! LOL
@oracle: I think I just might try your “I want to talk about this at a later time” approach. Make him think about the conversation before it even happens! And it’s not that he doesn’t want kids – I know he does, we’ve talked about how many we want and what kind of parents we want to be, etc – it’s just that he keeps hiding behind “Someday” or “Not right now”.
I wish I could blame his hesitation on our friends – we’re the only couple in our circle without one! But there’s nothing but love in those relationships, each one of them is a great example of how a marriage moves forward with kids.
@Talishazwi: It’s hard to let him know your timeline when he won’t even talk about it, ya know? 😉 I’m having issues just getting this conversation started and keeping it on the right track – it derails every time. 🙁 And yes, we fight simply because he re.fu.ses to talk about this particular subject. He feels like when he tells me “someday” that that should be good enough for me. Well, it’s not!
Post # 9
I would maybe try and find out what would make him feel more ready. Like is he waiting to accomplish certain things in his job, take a certain trip,, reach a certain age, etc?
Post # 10
This sounds a lot like the “when are we getting engaged talk” that I had with Mr.R. What “worked” for me was approaching it differently- instead of trying to find out what he thinks (when do you want to…) try telling him what you think (I’m happy with our marriage, think we’ll make good parents, want to be x age so that we can do x together, etc.). Then after you’ve given all these good points you can ask if he agrees. If he does, which I would presume he would, then you can slowly shift to talking about a timeline. Good luck!
Post # 11
How old is your husband? My husband is 27 and I know that even if I was 28 right now he would not be ready to have a baby. I want to start trying around 28/29 as well but am lucky because DH is 3 years older so he will be 31 or 32. In his mind after 30 is the appropriate time for him to have a baby. Do you think his age plays any factor in it? Im sorry the discussion is so difficult for you two 🙁
Post # 12
A lot of guys have milestones they mentally want to hit before something – pay off car, buy house, get promotion, turn 30 whatever. It could be something like this.
Post # 13
You’re all right, girls… It could be any of those things! It could be he doesn’t feel old enough, (he’s 27, I’m 28), he could want to make sure we buy a home or any other ‘milestone’ he feels he needs to hit. And I’m perfectly okay with whatever those are – I’d just like to know WHAT they are so we can discuss how to achieve them together!!
Post # 14
it’s a huge step, remember your whole life changes once you have kids, it’ll be completely different, first there’s only two of you nothing to worry about, with kids thats a huge responsibility, even in the early stages you have to watch everything you eat and do to make sure nothing harms the baby; your life completely changes and the way you conduct yourself, every single plan now includes a kid thats a completely different stage in life and you have to be ready
like proposing you have to be emotionally ready for it, both have to be ready, he’s only 27; but everyone has their own schedule, you’re both married, enjoy it, he’ll be ready, everything happens in its own time; enjoy your time together