Post # 1
Hi Everyone! I took a long, much needed hiatus from Weddingbee basically it was too painful even to participate in the waiting section. I also am my friend’s maid of honor and that was distracted by her wedding plans and tried not to think about my non-existant plans… that was until last night. So a little background on my situation: we’ve been dating for 3 years, he’s 31 and I am 26. About 6 months ago, my boyfriend informed me that he will not be proposing for another two years because he wants to fully start his own business. I’ve been super supportive to the point where I do research for him, help edit his business plan, and set up meetings. I was NOT happy with his timeline though. I am not exactly in a hurry to get married (and I do recognize we are still young- but not getting any younger 😉 ) but based on our plans and how many kids we want to have, he should really be planning to propose sooner rather than later. The last few months have been exceptionally bad because I haven’t been able to find a real job. I basically was following Mr. B’s plan and even got a part time job to get me out of the house and help with bills. Okay, so that’s my story.
Last night is when I think it hit me how unhappy I am with his timeline. I had to go to David’s bridal to order my bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding and I even went right before the store closed so I wouldn’t get myself in trouble with the abundant temptation of wedding porn. Alas, Trouble found me. My friend has been having dress regrets and I wanted to take a couple of minutes to see if I could find her an inexpensive replacement dress or a second dress and I knew DB was having their $99 sale. And. there. it. was. My dream dress!!!!!!! I have very specific tastes and my boyfriend an I have even talked about a specific theme for a wedding where this dress would be perfect. I looked at the price tag- originally $800-on sale for $199 (and the lady said she thinks it is actually discounted to $99!!!!!!!). I didn’t try it on but headed for my car just overwhelmed. The dress just reminded me how unhappy I am with waiting and how I feel like my relationship is just frozen until his timeline is up. I feel like I am at my wits end and can’t take waiting anymore. I also stuck around my area mostly because of him instead of looking for a job outside of the area where I’m sure I would have found a great one for good pay by now- so yes, I must admit I am a little resentful for him making me wait for him. My friend told me I should just by the dress and I could even store it at her place and sell it later if it doesn’t work out. I feel crazy for even considering her offer…. but totally want to!
Ladies, I would really appreciate any advice or comments you may have on this matter. Thanks!
Post # 3
Okay…so here is what I’m NOT going to say…….
You are too young, you should be fine with waiting longer!
Why don’t you just propose?!
Those are the two answers that most annoy me on this site. I’m all for ladies that take the initiative, however if you were going to do that you would’ve done it already. And as far as 26, people get married at 18 and such so you are NOT too young.
So why does he blame the business for the wait? Does he know you are unhappy with his timeline?
Post # 4
I’m sorry that you are going through this. I think my best advice is to talk to him and tell him your feelings. I am 26 too–and got engaged this year (we’ve been together for 8.5 years) so I’ve had the SAME feelings that you are having. My fi used to say he didn’t want to get married until we were in our 30’s –but I had strong opinions against that so I made sure my now FI knew how I felt. I think my feelings helped to push things along.
Post # 5
Oh and I wanted to add that I know you said it’s been painful to partcipate on the Bee’s waiting section. I didn’t discover the bee until after I got engaged, and if I could go back in time I think the bee would’ve helped me cope with some of the feelings I had. Most of my friends and family were SICK and TIRED of me complaining about not being engaged, and they all made me feel worse =(. Just remember that the Bees are here to help you =)
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! I would sit down with him and let him know how unhappy you are with his timeline (if you haven’t done so already). Especially since you’re limiting your job search to certian areas due to him. Perhaps it’s time to widen your job search and think of yourself first. It sounds to me like you’re giving up an awful lot and are starting to feel resentful and stressed about it (which is normal). Honestly, in this economy, it could take AWHILE to set up your own business and be financially stable. I’m just throwing out there, but do you know what his plan is if his business ISN’T where he wants it to be in two years? What happens then? Will you be waiting indefinatly? Just something to think about and perhaps talk with him about. In my mind, the problem with setting specific monetary goals for where you want to be at a certain point, is what happens if those goals aren’t reached? I agree with VikingPrincess that you’re NOT too young by any means!
Post # 7
I think its a cop out and he’s being selfish no offense. You do research for him and help him, but when it comes to something you would like and have been waiting for ..for 3 years he’s thinking anout his business and not the two of you
Post # 8
I think it makes sense that he wants to be financially stable before entering marriage.
But…if your dress is only $99…I would take your friend up on her offer to store it at her place.
Post # 9
Sorry, I know it can be soooo frustrating. I think you should tell him how you’re feeling though and maybe the two of you can come to a compromise where you don’t have to wait two whole years for a proposal. Just do not bring it up in a confrontational way. The book “His Cold Feet” has some good tips on how to have a conversation like this.
You should most definitely buy the dress! Especially if it is your dream dress, you can’t beat a deal like that! Store it at your friend’s house and it will be there for you when your boyfriend finally comes around.
Post # 10
I say sit down and talk to him. Tell him about the dress if you really want to get it. I say go ahead and get it. If the relationship doesn’t work out, sell it or just save it until you do get married. No need to miss out on $700 off! But that’s just the saver in me.
You are too young, you should be fine with waiting longer!
Why don’t you just propose?!
Those are the two answers that most annoy me on this site.
ME too! I bet out of every woman who says just propose did NOT propose.
Post # 11
I would start to question why you should believe that he would propose after 5 years instead of 3? What is really going to change in the next two years.
Make sure he knows that you are sticking around for him. Maybe you should open up your job search. Just because you look elsewhere doesn’t mean you would have to take a position. Maybe thats just enough to get him to realize you can’t wait around forever.
Try to spend some time focusing on you and what you are doing with your life. I don’t think buying a wedding dress helps you do that.
I would say that if you are unemployed I would not spend $100 on a dress. If you had a good job and had that money laying around sure maybe spend it. Also, two years is a long time. Styles change, your opinion may change. Chances are if you really love this dress, you would still be able to find a used one online in two years if you still really loved it.
Post # 12
What’s weird is why he “informed” you that he wasn’t proposing. It sounds like he just straight told you what was going to happen for the next 2 years. He didn’t even ask how you might feel about it or maybe if you had any feelings on the matter?
I would definitely have a discussion with him themed “and what about me?”. Let him know that you stuck around the area for him and that you had hoped to be married a little sooner than that. Doesn’t he want to enjoy childless married life for a little bit first? (Men always forget that part) So maybe he needs to get moving a little bit sooner than 2 years otherwise your eggs will start going bad. I’ll find a nih.gov article for you to show him about fertility and egg DNA decay after age 30. No trisomy 21 if you can help it, right? 🙂
And if the dress is $99, just go for it! Just cut down on trips to starbucks for the next 3 months, it’ll be fine.
Post # 13
I’d be tempted by the dress too. Get the dress unless you think it will be too painful if things don’t go according to plan…$99 for your perfect dress is a steal!
Post # 14
$99 isn’t that much, you could always sell it if it doesn’t work out.
But you can’t just be miserable for 2 years. You two need to have a serious talk. Why this arbitrary line of him needing to get his business off the ground. I’m really unclear as to why a marriage would prevent him from doing that or why that would need to be done first.
Post # 15
I agree with asking him why the arbitrary timeline. What happens if he isn’t where he wants to be at the end of the 2 yrs? Would he keep pushing it off indefinitely? Things you need to know I think.
Post # 16
I don’t think you should buy the dress. I do think you should look for that great job outside the area.
Limiting your prospects for someone who is not sure about you IMO makes no sense.
Money has nothing to do with marriage – what does his business have to do with a trip to the courthouse? How is marriage going to hinder his business? I would suspect it’s an excuse. Or if not he sees marriage as checkmark on his life list “get a business” “get a wife” and who you are matters less to him then if it’s the time in his life to check the “wife” mark. You deserve someone who’ll care about you as the person.